Hello Mia
Your post made me smile about putting hot pink streaks in your hair. Why not? It's fun and you feel a bit different to the usual you, more confident. I shocked my hairdresser by asking for a purple colour. We compromised by adding a purple tint to my hair. I went to my granddaughter's birthday party a while ago. Her sister took one look at me and said, "Grandma, have you got purple in your hair ?" I think she was impressed.
Staying at home on your own for three days may not be the best idea. It's nice having the house to yourself for a short time knowing you can do whatever you like. Three days can be a bit overwhelming when you are already feeling down. I hope you went to the camp and thoroughly enjoyed yourself. How was the weather?
It's good you are going to a different doctor because it's important that you have a good relationship. Talking with someone who knows about situations such as yours will be very good. If the doctor has a good reputation, so much the better. Have you booked a long appointment.
It's one thing to talk about suicide but much more real to tell anyone about any plans. Verbalising your intentions can make you feel vulnerable as you say. I think you are giving yourself a message here. If it feels too hard to tell someone then I suspect it will even harder to carry out your plan. I believe that is a good thing. Having a Mia-shaped hole in the world would be very sad. Did your counsellor give you some help to chase these thoughts away?
I cannot remember if anyone has spoken about the BB app Beyond Now. You can get it easily and it's free. You need to fill in the blanks, so to speak, and describe your warning signs, who can help you, what steps you can take to help yourself etc. If you do this I suggest you show it to your counsellor when you have completed it and talk about any additional information you could put in. It can be very helpful getting you out of a tight spot and helping you move on. Look after yourself.
Mary
