What happened doesn't have to define me

[Mia001]

Hi everyone!

I'm new here. Not really sure what to do. Where do I start? Any suggestions?

Mia

[White_Rose]

Great decision Mia.

Coping with all these emotions is hard and very likely to cause the tiredness you are experiencing. Rest to some extent but also exercise. You can get tired lying down all day.

Good luck with the counsellor and GP.

Mary

[james1]

Hello Mia,

It is good to hear you are willing to look into medication. They're not a 'last resort' as people often make them out to be. As Mary said, they work in conjunction with other things and are a very legitimate way to help you with your life, so it's wonderful you're going to talk to your doctors about them.

You've done so much since you've been here and I know it can be exhausting. Sometimes it doesn't feel like we've made any progress because of the ups and downs, but you have made some really big strides forward. Some of those are visible like the job applications and working, while others are hidden for now - the subtle changes in your outlook on your past and future which are really important improvements.

Hope your day goes well. I am at work and man I wish we had three day weekends as a standard!

James

[Mia001]

Hi everyone,

I’m tired. So tired. I nearly didn’t go to work yesterday, because I’m not coping. I’m having thoughts of wanting to die more often and I’m so scared. I really don’t know what keeps me going. I guess I just know things will get better, I only have to hang in here until my counsellor gets back. Lifeline has been great, I’ve spoken to them a few times. I’m taking it one hour, one task at a time. 3 more shifts, 3 more days and I’m on holidays. I know I can do this.

Mia

[White_Rose]

Oh Mia I am so sorry you are feeling this bad. Yes you can hang in there because you have done it before, but it's easier with help.

Cannot remember if I have given you this phone number before. It's the Suicide Call Back Service. 1300 659 467. It's available 24/7 and all their people are qualified. You may find some help from their web site. www.suicidecallbackservice.org.au

I use this phone number when I am particularly down and find them fantastic. They usually have a bit more time than other helplines. Please give them a try because they are so good.

Looking at the next hour only is good. I remember doing that and it was all I could do, but I managed that way. I really think your tiredness is due to depression, which can be exhausting, and the pressures you are under at the moment. Leave all decisions until a later time. The world will continue turning no matter what we do, so postponing decisions will be OK.

If you have something you enjoy doing then do that. If it is enjoyable it will help. I find my sewing is good for that.

If you feel too tired to go to work then see your GP. Are you still taking the sleeping tablets? Please cherish yourself because you are worth so much to your family and to the BB community here.

Mary

[Mia001]

Hi Mary,

I’m not taking the sleeping tablets anymore since they didn’t seem to make a huge difference, except for making me drowsy during the day. I’m not sleeping too badly at the moment. Sometimes I have nightmares but otherwise I’ll sleep through. I’m just tired. Physically, but also (and probably more so) mentally.

Work was not too bad today, although my brother has been making things hard for me. Everyone actually. I’m not the only person who’s frustrated with him.

My brother seems hurt because I’m giving him some space, and I don’t know what to do. I hate seeing him hurt but what do I do? He tells me that drugs will fix my anxiety... while I’m standing by helplessly, watching them ruin his life. I want so badly to help my brother but I know there’s nothing I can do. The closer I try to be with him the more he hurts me. So I now pI’m pushing him away, but it’s destroying me. I can’t win.

I’m trying to find time to do things for myself. Went window shopping this afternoon. I’ll hopefully ring one of my friends tomorrow.

Hope you have a good night,

Mia

[Guest8901]

Dear Mia,

Sorry I've not been around in close to a week. I've not been in a good place since last Friday, but things are beginning to improve for me again now. Meaning that I can come back on here and catch up and post to you.

Gosh Mia, so sorry to hear that Monday was such a bad day for you. Its not like you to consider not going to work. Those thoughts you've been having, the ones which scare the hell out of us? Plainly your intelligent and logical self is telling you that those thoughts will not always be there, that you just need to hang in there, and things will get better. I know its hard sometimes. Yeah, been through all that. (: So well done to you for utilising Lifeline as you have done. Do you find them good? I have not personally used them. Although I have used both the on-line chat facility of BB, as well as the Suicide call back service. Both of which I have found helpful and without undue pressure to give them too much personal information.

Yes you can do it Mia. Each hour, each day, each work shift, each task you set yourself. Dont set yourself too hard a task for now, that can come later. Right now you need to set achievable tasks, so you can applaud each goal you achieve. Its important you feel good about yourself and what you're doing.

You said you only had 3 days of work before holidays. Not sure if that included Tuesday. So you will be on holidays after either today's work shift or else tomorrow's.

I don't know really what to say about your brother and his drug habit. Of course you know its wrong, and that it would do you no favours whatsoever. Nobody wants to see someone close to them go through a hard time, which plainly your brother is. In reality there is nothing you can do, he is an adult. I am going through a similar problem with one of my teenaged nephews. He has been in and out of detox and rehab, and its breaking my family's heart. Its a dreadful thing, drugs, and what they can do to families is heartbreaking. Nothing good ever comes of illegal drug taking. And when it comes to someone on drugs, no you cannot win. Its not you, and to some extent its not him, its the drugs themselves. Sad, very sad indeed.

Its important to keep doing something for yourself. Did you call your friend and catch up yesterday? I hope so.

When do you head off on your camp? From things you've said, I'm thinking that your area has had a lot of rain lately. Hope you're not flooded. When is your counsellor back?

Amanda

[Mia001]

Hi Amanda,

That’s ok. 😊

I’ve found Lifeline good, both the online chat and the helpline. It’s invaluable having the online chat, because when I’m at home I don’t usually have the opportunity to make a phone call in private.

I’m flooded in at the moment. Last time I checked we had 170mm of rain! When we drove to the bridge, the water was way above the bridge. There was no way I was going to work! It was my last shift before holidays anyway so I’m not too disappointed. 😊 It was nice to have the day off. So quiet and relaxed in comparison to my days at work.

The camp is next weekend, so the rain should have stopped by then. 💦🌦🌈

I didn’t call my friend on Wednesday. I feel bad about that actually. He sent me a message asking how I was... he’s probably worried since he hasn’t heard from me in a while. I’ll think I’ll try to call him today.

My counsellor will be back next week, and I’m scheduled to see her on Wednesday. So not long to go. 😊

Hugs,

Mia

[White_Rose]

Hello Mia

Glad to hear you are flooded in but safe. Yes it's a good time to relax as you cannot really do anything else. How are the self harm thoughts going? Are you still having those feelings? I am hoping that with a bit less pressure you are managing how you feel. I know how hard it it can be when these thoughts pop in without notice or permission. Rude little characters.

I think this is the weekend you are going to camp which may mean you cannot post in here. We will still be here when you return. Do not let your brother make you feel bad because you do not have much to do with him. This is his choice to take drugs and it has lost him any right to expect you to sympathise or talk to him other than general greetings.

You have spent a large portion of your life shielding him from the consequences of his actions. It's your time to take care of yourself.Continue to love him as your brother but walk away if he wants to talk about his life. It's no longer your problem.

Glad your counsellor will return soon. I think you will have a great deal to talk about.

We have had lots of rain recently but then where has there been no rain. No need to water the garden. Unfortunately hot or warm days plus rain makes everything so sticky and humid. Despite my best intentions I find I need to put the air con on during the afternoon. I look forward to Autumn.

I have been sewing a great deal lately. It helps me to feel calm and rested. I sew cross stitch pictures and I have decided to ask the various people I have given them to , to send me a photo of them for my collection. I usually take a photo but some have fallen through the net.

Enjoy your holiday and return refreshed.

Mary

[Mia001]

Hi Mary,

The creek is still high, but the rain seems to have stopped. 🌦Being flooded in does have it’s advantages although it means I’m very isolated if I need help. Heavy rain affects the wifi and I can’t really call a helpline when everyone’s at home.

I’m still having thoughts of wanting to die. It seems to hit me when I have time to think. I start feeling like everything is hopeless and just want to end this pain. I know it’s not a solution to my problems but it’s tempting sometimes. I don’t think I’ve made it this far just to give up.

I’m trying to distract myself by keeping busy, trying to do things I enjoy. At least with all this rain, I don’t have to worry about wasting water! ☔️ I love long hot showers, they’re so soothing.

My family has 4 cats, and one is mine although she usually doesn’t sleep on my bed. Billy has been sleeping on my bed at the moment. He always knows when something’s wrong, and he will come and curl up against me beside. When I’m upset I cuddle him. I feel like he understands, even though he’s just a cat. 🐱 Holding him is the only time I ever feel safe.

The camp is next weekend. I don’t think I’ll have internet access although I will have my phone if I need to make a call. To be honest, I’m considering not going to the camp. I know I shouldn’t think like that, but I’m worried I won’t be able to cope, like the party I went to a few weeks ago. I think I’ll wait and until I talk to my counsellor. I’m seeing her on Wednesday, so not too far away.

I’m anxious about telling my counsellor about my thoughts. I find it awkward to talk about at the best of times. I guess it scares me because I’ve never thought things would get this bad.

I noticed your new picture. I’m guessing it’s one of your crossstitches? Mum did one similar for my brother since he likes wolves. 🐺

Mia

[White_Rose]

Hello Mia

Yes, my picture is part of one of my stitching projects. I made it for my grandson about ten years ago. Had to crop it a lot to post here.

We always had cats and dogs in my home when I was growing up and moving to Australia is no different. Lots of cats and dogs. I remember when I was a child that I would sit on the floor with the first dog I remember and tell him all my troubles. He would give me an occasional lick and always listened to me.

I think this is what you need now, someone to listen to you. I had thoughts of suicide for a long time. For me it seemed like a safety net because if life became unbearable this was a way to stop the pain. And yes it's true. The problem is of course that you cannot change your mind. You have been so traumatised in the past and still living with the effects. It is so hard for you. It would be hard for someone older than you to experience such a dreadful event and I am not surprised you thoughts are turning to self harm.

Did you decide to try the AD? I know how it makes you feel you are hopeless at coping, but this really is not true. It's true that looking for alternative kinds of help means you are serious about getting well again. There is more to life than struggling with a mental illness and trying to make up your mind whether or not to suicide.

I do know all about the pain. No one else can feel it for you and that makes us very lonely. I think you need more than a counsellor these days. How do you feel about going to a psychiatrist? The word alone is enough to send shivers down the spine because we are so scared of "what others will think". So don't tell anyone or at least not until you feel more secure.

I made two suicide attempts in my life. Not the finest hour and the effect on my family and friends was horrendous. I used to get annoyed when people would say, "Think about your family", as though that was all that mattered. So I am not saying it. Instead I am saying "think about yourself and what you are and will be". There is only one Mia in the world.

So back to my attempts. I woke up in hospital and found I was considered a joke in the first (general) hospital. The nurses thought it was funny. I know because I heard them talking. The second time I was taken to a psychiatric hospital where the nurses were so angry with me. I never found out why. On both occasions I was so ashamed of myself. Once it's done you cannot go back whether or not you die. Hold on tight and post here. I am here.

Mary