What happened doesn't have to define me

[Mia001]

Hi everyone!

I'm new here. Not really sure what to do. Where do I start? Any suggestions?

Mia

[james1]

Hello Mia,

It sounds like a holiday will be very welcome indeed. It is great to hear you are going to finally have the time to do some things you've wanted to - it can often get really tiring just doing the day-to-day stuff that we don't get a chance to treat ourselves! I'm glad you had the holiday approved.

In terms of the situation with your mum, it sounds like talking to your counsellor first is a good thing. Even when everyone means well, they can inadvertently do things that we do not want and so making sure your existing support network is aware of what you are hoping to do is really important. But you seem to know all this so all I really am saying is good work and I hope the talk goes well.

James

[Mia001]

Hi everyone,

My GP appointment went well. He did suggest medication for sleep but I’ve tried sleep meds before and it didn’t seem to do much except make me tired.

He also gave me a MHCP and referral to a psych. I’m hoping to make an appointment with the psych after Easter. I’ll see what he/she says about meds. I’m still not keen on being on medication but I think it’s worth a try. If seeing the psych or taking meds doesn’t prove to be helpful, I can always stop.

I’m definitely going to have to talk to my counsellor about telling Mum. To be honest, it’s probably better if I don’t tell her. I don’t want to disturb my family or my life. But I do need to sort out my feelings around this and either tell her or learn to live with my secret.
I know my parents love me, but I’m scared. I’m afraid of not being understood, afraid of hearing someone else say that it’s my fault. I worry that like all the times before, the focus will be on what I did/didn’t do, and the blame will be mostly on me.

James - Nice to see you again. 😊 How have things been for you?

Thanks all,

Mia

[White_Rose]

Hello Mia

Good to hear you have talked with your GP. I am surprised she has referred you to a psychologist as I thought you were already seeing a psych. Do I have this wrong? Whoops. It's probably a good idea to run telling your mom scenario past the psych when you see her/him. I know you are protective about your family and have no wish to upset them in any way which is great.

Please remember this is your life and your well being you are talking about. You struggled for a long time with the fall out from your brother's abuse and felt you were to blame. I know you no longer feel this way which is a huge step forward. I cannot see your mom blaming you either. You have a great capacity to worry and unfortunately I know how that feels as I tend to overthink situations and often end up believing I am at fault. It's always hard to stand outside the event and take a measured look at what happened and it's harder when the event is so emotional. No matter who is at fault we have a tendency to blame ourselves because we were there.

If you do decide to tell mom then try to remember you are not at fault. I know this will be hard because you want to spare your mom pain. Please give her credit for knowing both her children and realising you were a child with little choice in the situation. Think about it very hard and also consider what you would like to happen as a result of this disclosure. This may help your decision.

Being scared is a normal response and has an effect on how you tell anyone. If you decide to go ahead how about writing your mom a letter and explaining what happened? Once she has read it you can sit down together to talk. I imagine it would be quite a shock to her so letting her read about it and having time to process the whole thing may well help her as well.

Sleeping pills are not all they are cracked up to be. I tried them many years ago and found, like you, they kept me very dopey during the day. I found I was taking them earlier and earlier during the evening as they took ages to kick in. Then I slept late in the morning.

What is it about about medication that you find upsetting? It's a common problem and everyone has different reasons. It took me ages to finally accept I needed something to help me so I do empathise with you. The decision is yours. All I suggest is you try to put away thoughts about what others will think and you will have bad side effects. These are the two most common reasons for no meds.

Mary

[Guest8901]

Morning Mia and thanks for the update.

Pleased to hear that the appointment with the new GP went well on Wednesday. And I'm happy that you now have a MHCP and a referral to a psych. Since you are talking about medication, I am making the assumption that by psych you mean psychiatrist? Since you are already seeing a counsellor, there is probably little to be gained by going through the exact same thing with a new psychologist. So I hope I'm right about it being a psychiatrist you have the referral to.

I think thats a good thing Mia, you have been struggling with this for a long time now and things do not seem to be turning around for you yet. It may just need a little extra help from medication to get you on the improve. I hope you're able to get in to see a psychiatrist soon, so things can start progressing.

I understand your reluctance to discuss things with your Mum. It would be lovely if you felt you could as I think it would take a lot of pressure off you. It cannot be easy keeping this disturbing secret to yourself. But I also can see that the family dynamics is likely to change as a result. So there is a lot to weigh up before deciding to go ahead. If you make the decision to tell your Mum, perhaps she could see the counsellor with you and that way you will have the support of her to help you through. As well as having the benefit of your counsellor to help explain things.

Good on you for considering medication. I have always been totally against it, but recently I had to accept finally that it was needed for my own safety. So far the side effects have been minimal for me .. touch wood. I think you need to be open minded about all options. And keep in mind that it need not be long term, it could be a shorter term solution with a finite end.

Wishing you a good day Mia.

Amanda

[Mia001]

Hi Mary,

I did have a few sessions with a psychologist before I started seeing my counsellor, hence the confusion.

I think there a few reasons for why I’m not keen on meds.

1. Like most people, I’m worried about side effects. I need to be able to function at work and in everyday life.
2. Most meds aren’t good for you. (Or your liver) I’m 18, and I don’t know how long I will need to be on meds or if that will have any serious longterm consequence.
3. I don’t want to face the fact that nothing I’m doing is working and I can’t cope anymore. And for some reason, the thought of being diagnosed with depression scares me, even though I know it’s a possibility.

I know it’s my life but like you said I still have to weigh the consequences of speaking with staying silent. I think making the decision to distance myself from my brother is partly why I’m thinking of telling Mum. It’s made me more aware that there might be people in my life that are hurting me... and some that I should be closer to.

When I was upset at the party last week my friend said “Your Mum is really worried about you.” I felt so bad because I realised that she deserved to know what’s going on. I keep pushing everyone away, building walls to protect myself being hurt or from hurting them. And I’m doing it to everyone, even Mum.

I’m thinking about emailing my counsellor my thoughts on everything we’ve been talking about here. She’s going to be away next week for training so she won’t get my email immediately but that’s okay. There’s so much I need to tell her and I don’t want to be sidetracked with talking about one particular problem.

Mia

[Mia001]

Hi Amanda,

I’m not sure whether he’s referred me to a psychologist or a psychiatrist. To be honest, it was all a blur. He was running late, so when my turn came I was just anxious about having enough time to walk back to work for when Dad picks me up.

I’m so confused. Sometimes I feel like I’m barely functioning, just going through the motions of life. Work has been a struggle. It only seems to take a few things going wrong and I’m falling to pieces. I can’t focus, and I can’t stop crying all the time. It’s so embarrassing.
I know I can’t do this anymore. I need to get myself together. Next time I see my counsellor I’ll ask her about the MHCP. I think it’s to see a psychologist, but I’m not sure. The can prescribe meds though, right? Yeah, I’m not really interested in seeing a psych to talk since I already have a counsellor for that.

I have thought about taking Mum to an appointment with my counsellor. I think that would be a good way to tell her. I’m just not sure that telling her is the best thing to do. The problem is really with telling Dad. If he finds out me and my brother are in a lot of trouble. I’ll probably lose my freedom, and he definitely won’t let me see my counsellor. So I’m in a tricky situation. Keeping this secret is a burden, but telling Mum would just pass the burden to her because I don’t want Dad to know. I don’t want to make things difficult between them.

I applied at another aged care facility, which looks promising. I haven’t heard anything bad about them, and all the staff seemed nice when I went there yesterday. I filled out an application form and the receptionist said that they’re looking for more staff. She was optimistic that I would be contacted next week about an interview. I’m really hoping this one works out.

🤗 Mia

[Guest8901]

Hi Mia, yes I understand things being a bit of a blur. Its hard enough seeing a GP, without then being concerned about being late etc.

No, psychologists cannot prescribe medications. If you need medications it will need to be prescribed by either your GP or else a psychiatrist after being assessed by them.

I can see that its a big decision to make about telling your Mum, or not. I understand that you feel you are just passing on the burden to some extent. I'm sure your Mum would not see it that way however. But definitely discuss all options and consequences with your counsellor.

Wishing you luck with your most recent application at another aged care facility. Hope your weekend is a good one.

Motherly hug to you.

Amanda

[White_Rose]

Hello Mia

A GPMH plan is to see a psychologist. These visits have a benefit from Medicare but only for a limited number of consultations. Initially you can have six appointments and then another four if the psychologist thinks you need them. After that you be paying the full consultation fee which can be between $100-$200 per session. This is a good process if your difficulties are reasonably easy to fix and I have no idea about this. You can have theses ten appointments in one calendar year but must wait until the next year to have a further ten appointments.

Some psychologists offer monthly appointments to get you through the year, more or less, but I do not think this is the best idea for you. Psychologists cannot prescribe medication. They ask your GP to prescribe but it is the GP's responsibility and decision.

A referral to a psychiatrist mean you will always receive a Medicare benefit. Psychiatrists fees vary but the rebate is the same. You may find yourself paying a large gap fee. I suggest you contact Medicare and ask how much you will need to pay in in out of pocket expenses before getting to the Medicare safety net. I think because of your age and low income you will reach this safety net quite quickly by seeing a psychiatrist. I have already reached this limit because my out of pocket amount was reached quite quickly. I was paying almost $100 per visit and I have retired from paid work. The psychiatrist can prescribe medication and has a very good idea of which meds you will need, assuming he/she thinks you need something.

About ADs. Not all have horrendous side effects. I was taking the same AD as a work colleague. She had no problems, I did. The AD I take now has no side effect and helps me far better than than any of the first AD I tried.

How long you need to take them depends on how well you manage. Generally they will not affect your ability to work, but if one brand does have unacceptable side effects you can have a different AD.

I believe many medications are good for you. Antibiotics for a start. It is the length of time you take them that can be a problem. Meds for Bipolar are pretty well essential allowing the person to live a life without spirals of ups and downs which are extremely unpleasant. Do not be afraid to take AD. You can discuss them with the doctor and immediately report any unpleasant side effects.

Running out of allowance. Will finish in next post.

Mary

[White_Rose]

Part two

I know about feeling useless in trying to improve. I think you have already demonstrated a great change in your life since we have chatted here. There is no suggestion of failure. The symptoms you describe sound rather like depression and that is not something you can change by denying it has happened. Mood changes and crying are not good for you either and rarely respond to someone being determined to make it go away by themselves. Even without meds you are getting help and getting towards wellness. Maybe a short time on AD will help you forge ahead and leave these unpleasant feelings behind.

Any diagnosis of illness is scary. I have had breast cancer twice and survived. This second time I was prescribed meds which had difficult side effects so they were changed and I am now comfortable with the the new meds. I also have a new diagnosis of another form of cancer, a blood cancer, but while it is there it is inactive so I carry on with my life as normally as possible. I have great doctors monitoring my after breast cancer health to see that it does not return. It was 15 years between the first and second cancers. I have a great haematologist monitoring me for the other cancer and I am doing all I can to live a healthy life.

Trying to avoid a diagnosis does not make it go away. It doesn't matter if you do not have a formal diagnosis so long as your medical team is managing the symptoms and you are doing the best you can. And you are doing the best you can. You have been living with a difficult situation for many years. It's hardly surprising there are some cracks appearing. Take all the help you can get and do not be ashamed. I also know about shame and it is ugly but also unnecessary. You have been traumatised and now need help to get well. Go get it.

Please remember I do not intend to distress you any further than you are. I want you to know how much I admire your resilience and courage and to encourage you to get as much help as you can.

Mary

[Mia001]

Hi everyone,

Thanks so much for your replies.

Mary, I’m not upset by anything you’ve said. I actually like that you’re so honest and forthright. It’s one thing I’ve noticed while being on this forum: everyone seems genuine.

I think I’ll talk to my counsellor, and then go back to see my GP about meds. *sigh* I’m pretty sure I’ve managed to convince him that I’m crazy. I’m not sure whether it’s more funny or embarrassing.

I’m not working tomorrow (yet!). I’m planning to stay home and relax. I’ve been tired lately. I’m not sure whether I’m working too hard or just going to bed too late. I went to bed at 9pm last night and didn’t really wake up till 6:30am. I actually slept pretty well!!!

🤗 Mia