What do I do?

Night · ‎24-08-2016

This is my first post, so excuse me if I make any mistakes.

I hardly know where to start when discussing my sotuation. For just over a year I've been extremely stressed with family issues. I can't cope but I don't feel comfortable telling anyone. I lack trust as it seems every time I trust someone, they lose my trust almost as quickly. From things I've read on beyondblue and the Internet in general, I believe I have social phobia and depression. I helped care for a friend who suffers depression and it's been great to see him recover from the suicidal slump he was in. The only problem is now I've found myself in the same hole he was in. I don't know anyone who wouldn't judge me or react in some negative way if I told them I was suicidal. I tried to tell some friends about my mental state. At the time I was still unsure if I wanted them to know or not, so I double encrypted a message. It was devastating to see how quickly it was shrugged off as 'just some random letters to get attention'. Tonight I took the 'K10' test and scored 39. Last week I had possibly the scariest moment in my life. I was researching different suicide methods when my parents came in. I'm still unsure if they saw or not, but ever since they've been acting strange. I also have two school assignments coming up with very large weightings. Both are speeches- something I'm not looking forward to in the slightest. I don't know what to do. I know I need help, but I'm unsure if I want it.

Sorry if I rambled a lot in different directions, but I'm just so confused.

Thanks,

Night

james1 · ‎28-11-2016

Bullying really is just not nice. I knew someone with curly hair and in high school they called her poodle. I mean...c'mon...

It sounds like you're really just looking for a bunch of friends who you can hang out with and have fun. I think you'll enjoy uni. They have lots of clubs and things for all sorts of interests from games to sports to music to politics haha.

Did you end up going to the beach? 🙂

Yeah I used to just have the one mate of mine who liked playing FPS's. We played heaps of Halo 1 on XBox prior to Xbox Live and I swear if there was online competitive, we would've been ranked really high. Proudest Halo moment of mine was a split-screen 2v2 snipers/pistols only (the halo 1 pistol was super powerful, it shot a bit slow, but 2 in the head dropped the shields and the third would be enough to take someone down), and my friend and I won 4 deaths to 50 against the other team haha. We used to just do legendary runs through different missions and we'd set challenges like not using vehicles, no grenades, no snipers, etc. Sadly we don't really talk anymore. Just went our separate ways after uni.

James

Night · ‎30-11-2016

Hi James,

Sorry for not posting for a few days.

Bullying is horrible and sadly is something I've known my whole life. I guess that's what I'm looking for, but uni is still a fair way off.

I did end up going to the beach and I'm glad I did. Even though the guy I was hoping wouldn't be there was there, I still had a really good time with my friends. Sadly it was much busier than we were expecting because they had a fireworks show on that none of us knew about. It was just good to spend time with people and not be harassed by my parents because it's on a computer.

While I have a few friends who play FPS's (mainly overwatch), I only have one friend who plays guitar hero. Speaking of which, I picked up a guitar the other day, only to find that the battery cover is jammed, so when the batteries die, I can't replace them. I'm going to return it soon.

I never played halo, but I know that in games like overwatch, small custom games can be pretty fun. When we're bored of public games, my friends and I will often play 2v2 or 3v3's with modified rules. The most common one we do is 'respawn as random hero'. Basically, this stops people just playing the same annoying hero and adds a bit more variety to the game. When we had odd numbers one time, we gave one team a support bot. This was a huge mistake and has since become a joke amongst us, because this hero's AI is essentially an aimbotting healer that does a lot of damage.

I am so scared about Thursday. We have to present our videos, and my group won't even show me what they've done. I am at the point where, I don't care what mark I get, so long as we either don't have to present it to the class (we do), or I don't have to be there for it. I'd do anything to not go to school that day. I don't want to tell my teacher because it would be met with a 'why didn't you tell me sooner' or 'well that's something you'll have to deal with when you're older'. I don't know what to do.

Thanks

-Night

james1 · ‎30-11-2016

Hey Night, no worries. Just post whenever you feel comfortable.

Oh that sounds like you had a nice time at the beach 🙂 I haven't been for so long. I don't really have many friends living in Sydney anymore. It's strange meeting new people and telling them I don't have many friends here even though I've lived here all my life. I'm still trying to get used to saying that! I used to be so very social, haha.

What? Is there any way to cut it out? That's strange that it's jammed. Usually there's a way to pry it open at least because it just locks in with plastic.

Hahaha they have really good bots eh? Sounds like my kind of game. I like playing against bots for some reason.

Hmm. Can you just do your bit and if they've done nothing, you can just say you did your bit but they didn't do anything? I know it's confrontational which is your least favourite thing, but it's good practice and is a good way to show the teacher that you tried.

James

Night · ‎01-12-2016

Hi James.

In this post I'm not going to bother responding to your post as I'm not thinking straight. I will try to respond to it soon.

I wish I could cope with this stress. For the last few weeks I have been freaking out about this assignment. I have to present this video, with no idea what it is. My group know something that I hate being the centre of attention and get embarrassed a lot really easily. I would rather get 0% for it and not have to present it than get an average mark and present it. This morning I was going to try to convince my parents not to make me go to school, but I forgot. They leave for work so early because it is ten times more important than me. Last night I had a panic attack- one of the worst I've had. Shortness of breath and uncontrollable shaking.

Last night I was going to kill myself, but there's something that I just can't control that stops me. Every time without fail, I just can't do it. I was going to try again this morning, but I don't want to. Simply because my 12 year old sister would come in to get me to go to school, and she doesn't need to see that.

But hey- business as usual I guess. Go to school, come home repeat. My anxiety doesn't matter because no one else cares.

Sorry for the pessimism, but that's where I'm at.

-Night

Starwolf · ‎01-12-2016

Night, it breaks my heart to see you so distressed. I hope you will getting through the day OK.

And I am infinitely grateful for whatever always stops you from launching yourself into eternity. Whatever it is, something seems to be looking after you. You are unique, Night and this makes your life precious. Your combination of personal experiences and responses is something only YOU can express and use towards whatever lies close to your heart when you are in a position to do so. If you were to disappear, you could never be replaced.

I know you are suffering right now but that doesn't take away the huge potential which so obviously comes through your posts.

There's no need to apologize for the way you feel. Many of us here are familiar with the dark troughs of the mind. We can never get someone else totally but we can get it .

I came here today to let you know that I can't be there with you...but my thoughts are.

Fingers crossed tomorrow is a better day even if it's only because today will be over.

james1 · ‎05-12-2016

Hey Night,

I'm so sorry for not responding earlier!

I hope the weekend was better for you. Can I ask how your presentation went?

It's almost the end of school for this year. You don't have long to wait until the holidays which I think will be nice to get away from some of these people...

Don't forget you can also call the helpline 1300 22 4636 at any time.

It'd be wonderful to hear back from you when you feel ready. I do like talking to you and count you as a friend.

James

james1 · ‎08-12-2016

Hey Night, just popping in to say hi, I hope you are doing reasonably okay.

James

Night · ‎09-12-2016

Hi James,

Sorry for the delay. Been a pretty stressful week.

The presentation was horrible as I expected, but I feel more betrayed than anything. Before class, I found my teacher and told him. He sounded sympathetic and like he would do something about it. Nope. He just played it on the screen in front of everyone like everyone else.

Thankfully it's the holidays now. Not having to be up at the crack of dawn is amazing.

The other day I heard some big news. My sister had texted one of her friends about wanting to commit suicide. He spoke to his parents who spoke to the school. Today my sister had her first session of counselling and is very angry with my parents for making her go.

Tomorrow she is getting a pet cat, one of her lifelong dreams. I really don't want a pet though, but I know it should help her. I know I'm just a pessimist, but in my opinion, the negatives of growing close to something, just for it to die or runaway far outweigh the positives.

In other news, I have contacted Activision Support and they are able to replace my guitar hero guitar for free 🙂

Again, sorry for the delay

-Night

Night · ‎09-12-2016

Hi Starwolf,

Sorry for the delay, as I mentioned in my response to James, it's been a full on week.

I don't see being stopped as a positive. If I want to end the pain and suffering, why can't I have that choice? How is it a blessing to be forced to suffer for as long as I live? No I couldn't be replaced and to be honest, no one would care.

Sorry again for the delay

-Night

Starwolf · ‎09-12-2016

Hey Night,

Hindsight helps make sense of the many things we can't see when we are trapped in difficult present moments. I'm glad this possibility wasn't eliminated.

Not knowing someone in person doesn't stop us caring. I see a lot of potential in you and feel sad at the thought it wouldn't be realized. Such a waste of insight and talent...

All of us here have a few things in common. We've been through hell but are still here. Many of us have had very similar thoughts to those haunting you right now but hindsight makes us grateful and relieved we're still here... after all.

Unconditional love does exist. You will bump into it some time, some place in your world, probably when you expect it least. It would be a shame to miss this encounter...