UPDATED: Dealing with my partner's anxiety. Just want to talk

[Belthizor]

Hi all, I'm new here, my name is Sheldon and basically I just want to talk to others about how to deal with my partner's anxiety. For the past couple of months, she has been having anxiety-related issues, but only very recently have these issues intensified. In the past two days we have been to the ED twice, Seen the Doctor twice and been to see her psychologist. The attacks are getting worse, and I am really worried for her. She has even been having suicidal thoughts. This of course worries me even more, but I feel that I have to stay strong for her sake. I love her very dearly and it just breaks my heart to see her so upset. She's crying, has involuntary hand movements, feeling nauseous and has even physically thrown up. She has recently been prescribed a benzodiazaprene and tomorrow we will be going to the doctors to review her current anti-depressant medication. I love her with all my heart and I don't ever want to lose her. While we are doing everything we can to address these issues, it's still hard - especially for me, and I would love someone to talk to who has been through this, or even just someone willing to bend an ear but not judge. This girl is my whole world and without her... I don't know what I'd do.

 Thanks for listening, I know I rambled on a bit, but I do that.

[Belthizor]

Hey Guys,

So, we had a session with my gf's psychologist today, and she's gonna start to take my girlfriend out into the field, so to speak, to confront some of the issues that are plaguing my gf in terms of anxiety/panic attack. As you can imagine, my girlfriend is not exactly pleased with that notion (but understands it's for the best). I'm not sure if we're gonna go for the DSP anymore, as apparently, for mental illnesses, you need to have about five sessions with a clinical psychologist and they're not cheap! We're talking about $700!!

Tomorrow my gf has an appointment with her job network agent, and she is definitely not looking forward to that. Hopefully it won't be as bad as she is fearing, but who knows.

Sara: In regards to my Aspergers, it's not so much a matter of me seeing the problem as everything in the room, so much as me not having the required social skills and emotional range to properly deal with it. I'm hopeless at emotional things, and my approach to situations where someone is upset, amounts to little more than offering someone tea (just like in The Big Bang Theory).

Independence: I'm a very independent person​, my gf, not as much (she has become increasingly reliant on me), but I don't really see that as being an issue.

Today we tried another app: "Stop, Breathe & Think", and my gf admitted that it DID help a little. I'm happy with that, because even a little bit is better than not at all. So I think we'll continue on with them, though I did have to stop and put something into perspective for her - one part of the exercise had the listener drawing their energy from the earth. Not being a very spiritual person, my gf lapsed a bit at that, so I just put it into a scientific perspective for her - explaining that we as humans draw our life energy from the Earth in an almost literal way - we live off the earth, Earth has the right amounts of oxygen, temperatures, etc to support human habitation. Once I explained that, she was able to focus once again, so yay me! We're also gonna try and eat healthier, exercise more and do the mindfulness thing every day. Every little bit helps.

As for the final bit - yes I am a fan of "The Big Bang Theory", however, my name "Sheldon" IS actually my real name, so it's not derived from the show. Besides, I identify more with Leonard, than Sheldon.

Anyway, running out of characters. Will chat to you all later.

Ciao for now

Sheldon

[Just Sara]

Hey Sheldon;

I'm just seeing if this post gets through as the site has had some issues of late. If it does, I'll return to talk.

Sara

[Just Sara]

Hey again;

Thanks for the reply, it was really helpful in getting to know you better.

Independence - when I talked about this, I didn't mean independent ideas or activities. I was talking about independent 'of each other' cognitively; being separate in your mind. It's common for you to say 'we or us' when discussing her psych visits or anxiety/panic, and become fixated on her life as if it were your own.

You haven't told us of your employment or personal goals/aspirations, or if you have activities that give you challenges/pleasure outside the relationship. (as an independent entity) I read of how she reacts to your efforts to play games for instance, though this still isn't about you is it?

Could you ponder for a moment on how you rely on her to give you value and worth by being her support? (As opposed to how she rely's on you too much) The reason I ask, is that this concept is well known to me. Feeling valuable when others need me, (as with what I'm doing right at this moment) gives me purpose. What is your purpose in life?

I know this can be a very challenging question; it was for me. Defining who I am and where I fit into the world can be a frustrating and thought provoking exercise. Humans tend to see ourselves as part of the whole which isn't a bad thing; as with community spirit. But we're also separate like an atom and its nucleus. How we perform and behave, creates waves that affect our surroundings; including people.

Atoms don't 'merge' with other atoms. They can bounce off each other seemingly at random, but if you look closer, it isn't chaos, it's a pattern. There's a purpose to it.

I can't help your gf, because she's not the one on BB asking for help; you are. I'm interested in you Sheldon.

Who is Sheldon???

Respect...Sara

[Belthizor]

Hi Sara,

I'm the one who IS independent. Unfortunately, my gf tends to rely on me for a lot of things, to the point that she has become rather dependent on me.

I must admit, all this sciency talk of atoms and nuclei is rather confusing me - science never was my strong suit, I majored in the humanities. But I think I get where you're coming from, in that I should try to encourage some independence? Which is what I am trying to do.

As for who I am, my employment, etc... I am unemployed owing to health reasons (and am now on Disability Pension). Things I enjoy are certain Trading Card Games, and Tabletop Roleplays (as well as reading, playing video games, watching movies, series, etc). The former two, unfortunately, I cannot do as there are no local groups near me and certainly Tabletop Roleplaying can go to quite late at night.

As for helping me vs my gf as I'm the one posting - I'm more asking for ways to help me to help my gf through these difficult times. She finds it very difficult to talk about her anxiety (borne out of a fear of invoking an anxiety attack), hence why I am here seeking help.

Hope that answers your questions, and my apologies for the delay in my response, I have come down with a rather nasty bug (I HATE summer colds!)

Hope all is well with you guys,

Cheers,

Sheldon

[Belthizor]

Hi guys,

It's been a while since last I posted (due mostly to my health, which I am now finally starting to get better). I wish I could say things have been improved for my gf, but unfortunately that's not the case. For some time now, my gf has also been struggling with an addiction in addition to her anxiety/panic attacks. It's an addiction to a certain smell, and while I have removed that particular item, my gf keeps finding other things. She always feels guilty afterwards and those things don't tend to match up to the original article. Anyway, she finally told her psychologist about it. Her advice was use something like mindfulness not for the content but rather the time/distraction whenever she gets a craving (which is not often).

Her last counselling session also had us go to the local shops and challenged my gf to go in and ask about something. My gf reported to me today that it felt so 'fake' and she feels that it may have made things worse. I have been trying to encourage her to do the mindfulness exercises and physical exercise daily to help 're-train' the brain, but her stubbornness and lack of motivation are big hindrances to this, and so that's pretty much a bust.

She has also increased her dose of anti-depressants, now taking three a day instead of two. This is both good and bad as she is now on the same dosage of anti-depressants as her father with whom she has no relationship with (nor will there be one - his own mental illness issues are to blame and now he pretty much won't interact with anyone to a degree).

The biggest problem, I think, is that she has been doing counselling for over a year now and she feels like it isn't working as nothing seems to have changed (though her stubbornness is partly to blame for that as she won't do daily mindfulness and physical exercise and she won't do the ABCD of CBT).

I'm pretty much at wit's end here. I'm stressed, I'm tired, I'm worried all the time. Yes it is partly an independent thing as I feel I can't leave her for fear of her having an attack. I have tried self-hypnosis videos on YouTube, but her scepticism makes the effectiveness of them questionable.

I want nothing more than for her to get better, but at this stage this seems a monumental task that is nigh on impossible. I don't know what to do, to be honest.

[Wednesday]

Hi Sheldon,

I hope you don't mind me dropping into your thread?

It sounds like you're having a tough time with someone you love, I'm sorry that is a tough one.

I'm sure this has been said before but you really need to look after yourself before you can help your gf. You mentioned your own health issues that will also add to the complexity of your relationship. Are you able to take time out to be with others that are easy to be around, go for a walk or whatever it is that makes you feel grounded and good about the world?

Ava

[Just Sara]

Hi Sheldon;

I'm sorry for not replying to your post on 10th Feb, but I was admitted to hospital the following day and only out yesterday. I see by your post today, things are the same with an added complexity. (odour addiction) One thing about this; it may be her subconscious trying to alert her to specific triggering information. Just a thought...

Have you heard of the term 'enabling'? The Yin and Yang of this is that one person becomes reliant on another, and that person feels needed and valued thru this association. It's a codependent relationship based on an illness being the dependent factor and, not wanting to recover for fear of losing the attention the illness gives.

As your gf's carer, each time you engage in being attentive to the 'illness' and not yourself, it empowers your gf. You've stated she doesn't want to do mindfulness or CBT etc, avoiding all recovery techniques. Why is she afraid of getting better?

Who has the power in your relationship if you don't mind me asking? For instance, when she's having panic, do you feel empowered by helping her? And when she's well and on your case, who has it then? If you become distant or upset, does she become attentive to you?

If she was experiencing some anxiety and you gave her space instead of hovering over her, would she become angry? Have you tried this technique? I'm not saying leave the house, I'm suggesting you go to another room or outside for a breather.

It seems to me you're doing everything you can to help her, and it's taking its toll on you. You once said she was going to become her mothers carer; how could she cope with this as well as her own anxiety? There must be some ability there for her to rely on.

If you're doing what you can and it's not working, why continue to do it? There has to be a time for Respite for you and, allow her space to deal with her issues as an independent woman; she has people in her life able to assist. Wednesday (above) says this well; '...you really need to look after yourself before you can help your gf'

Mindfulness techniques are an amazing way to settle anxiety during the build up. But it has to be done with 'intent' or a 'will' to recover. I don't see this in your writing.

Anyway, I've given food for thought Sheldon. Take it easy and maybe try using distance instead of closeness and see what happens. If the anxiety increases or she becomes angry, I'd tell her psych about it.

Btw...do you have your own psych? Sounds like you need one.

Sara

[Belthizor]

Hi guys,

Just a short message as it's late and I wanted to get these thoughts out now, otherwise I'd forget 'em, lol.

Tonight hasn't been too bad. My gf spent the first part of it with her mum, and then when her mum went to bed she came back to our bedroom and we watched the last of the cricket. She's now watching YouTube videos.

Wednesday, welcome to the thread. Unfortunately, I have a rather small friend base (or rather, those friends I can physically spend time with, is a small group) and none of them are particularly close. My gf does tend to feel a fair bit of anxiety when I'm not around (as in out and about on my own, not in a different room), so that's a bit of an issue

Sara, The honest answer to most if not all of your questions is, "I don't know". I try not to crowd my gf too much, but when she is having an anxiety attack, whether large or small, I feel... distracted, and can't do much more than sit in the same room as her and play a handheld game with headphones on, or read a book. I'd like to think I don't overcrowd her.

When she starts to feel an anxiety attack coming on, I usually suggest she do mindfulness/meditation exercises and do deep breaths. I'd like to think I'm NOT enabling her.

Do I have my own psych? Short answer: No. I DID have one back before I met my gf, when I was suffering from Depression. I sought the services of a counsellor and she was great, but she is no longer operating out of the business where I had sessions with her, and I'd rather not have to explain everything to everyone again. Don't worry about me, I'm strong and will pull through this, I think I'm just worn down from this cold. (I love that my gf shares things, but did she really have to share her cold? lol).

Anyway, that's all from me tonight.

Until later,

Sheldon

[Just Sara]

Hi again Sheldon;

It's been a little frustrating for me to find ways to help as you've requested and talked about frequently. The conclusion I've come to, is that you actually are getting the help you need. Not from us though; you're helping yourself instead, by venting and telling your story.

When I visit my psych I talk a lot, and eventually 'say' the things I want to hear from her. Having the opportunity to purge ourselves of frustration and fear can be healing in itself. So I applaud your consistent ability to post even though you may not be getting the answers you sorely want.

I'll continue to reply knowing I'm someone who'll listen and support you anyway I can ok? I wish you and your girlfriend my best and hope life gets better as time passes.

I do urge you to take up counseling sessions again though, as this practice has benefits for you as an individual.

Take care Sheldon...

Sara

[Wednesday]

Hello Sheldon,

It sounds as though your joint issues have left you both isolated and fragile. Like Sara I think a counsellor to call your own would be useful to you. You have way to much to deal with at the moment and a qualified outsider will help you break through the web. It isn't easy but you can do it.

Please do something for yourself, even if it is at the expense of your gf, you have a right to an enjoyable life. We really can not live an others life for them, no matter how very much we love them. What are you doing to manage your health issues?

W