UPDATED: Dealing with my partner's anxiety. Just want to talk

[Belthizor]

Hi all, I'm new here, my name is Sheldon and basically I just want to talk to others about how to deal with my partner's anxiety. For the past couple of months, she has been having anxiety-related issues, but only very recently have these issues intensified. In the past two days we have been to the ED twice, Seen the Doctor twice and been to see her psychologist. The attacks are getting worse, and I am really worried for her. She has even been having suicidal thoughts. This of course worries me even more, but I feel that I have to stay strong for her sake. I love her very dearly and it just breaks my heart to see her so upset. She's crying, has involuntary hand movements, feeling nauseous and has even physically thrown up. She has recently been prescribed a benzodiazaprene and tomorrow we will be going to the doctors to review her current anti-depressant medication. I love her with all my heart and I don't ever want to lose her. While we are doing everything we can to address these issues, it's still hard - especially for me, and I would love someone to talk to who has been through this, or even just someone willing to bend an ear but not judge. This girl is my whole world and without her... I don't know what I'd do.

 Thanks for listening, I know I rambled on a bit, but I do that.

[Belthizor]

Hi Matt,

Usually when she experiences a panic attack, she is laying down. I tried calmly talking to her, reassuring her and it's usually had no effect.

She slept most (if not all) the night last night and has taken a precautionary benzo just in case.

I'm hoping we can get her through this, but it's difficult as she often won't talk about it afterwards for fear of provoking another attack.

This is all very stressful for everyone involved.

Sheldon

[1113]

Hi Sheldon,

Try the cooling therapy.

Also, whatnis her pattern during the day. Eg. Sitting around etc etc.?

Peace

[Croix]

Dear Belthizor~

Please do not think I'm being heartless in saying at times you have to retreat to something completely different. The constant guilt, frustration and as was in my case anger and resentment too, is corrosive if left unchecked.

You mentioned games, I mentioned books. It does not matter what, just that it take you away from the normal confines of the world for a time.

I mentioned one occasion - dealing with my son's grief. There were others. Too many, but I came though.

Time-out was in no way a reflection of lack of my caring.

I found the ideal situation was for the object of my care to say "Croix, go and have a breather in the other room, read your book or look at a dvd".

It was a very good thing, my wife - for it was she in her illness - felt she was helping me, contributing, not just being the passive recipient of my care and feeling a burden and totally selfish as a result.

May I suggest, if this does not happen already, that you discuss this with your GF, love will help her be brave.

I understand and share your feelings

Croix

[Belthizor]

Hey all,

Today was a reasonably quiet day (discounting the moment my gf blasted music in the car, of course. She said it helped her a little, and I did not argue). She took a benzo this morning and has been quite calm most of the day. She said she was a little nervous about the encroaching night time as that seems to be when the anxiety flares the most.

1113 - her pattern during the day varies, but most often she sleeps till moderately late and then just does whatever (usually watch YouTube videos). She's unemployed, and we (including herself) feel that she is not in a position to be able to work because of the anxiety. At this stage it would be just too much for her.

Croix - I understand where you're coming from, but there are times where I feel I cannot leave her side because of the anxiety. I retreat into gaming and reading, etc where I can, but often the times surrounding her anxiety attacks I feel are the most distressing for us/me and the most difficult to get away, if you get my meaning.

One of the things we did talk about today was possibly doing some guided meditation. I have a friend who is particularly good at running guided meditation sessions, and I'm gonna talk to him about maybe running some of them to help my gf. She thinks it is also a good idea, I also want to try and get her into the habit of doing mindfulness exercises, even if it's just 10 minutes a day. The combination of benzos, psychology sessions, mindfulness exercises and guided meditation should hopefully help combat these anxiety issues.

Anyway, I don't have much else to say at this point in time, but I will report back later as needed, thank you all for your support, also, you have all been really supportive, and, no doubt, will continue to be so in the future.

Cheers,

Sheldon

[1113]

Hi Sheldon,

The pattern can be adjusted with a small amount of exercise. Ever so gently to start with. Nothing that will produce to much adrenaline. Then slowly increase it. The adrenal gland is connected to the fight and flight response in the brain. This is where the anxiety attack stems from. It also includes thoughts, feelings etc. After and during the attack the gland produces cortisol - a natural stress steroid. To much of this in the body is not good for anyone. Stress is a major killer.

The best way to reduce this is by meditation and exercise. For both of you.

Nice easy enjoyable walk is great, even get you both out of the house for a bit. If your gf can't go outside yet then walk around the house for a 10 mins or so. Slowly build it up.

The cycle of panic attacks can be disrupted with routine. Waking/walking/relaxing or meditating at the same time every day with a plan to fill the rest of the day in. Nothing to stressful, easy enjoyable things.

Chat soon

Matt.

[Belthizor]

Hey Matt,

We tried Mindfulness exercises but my gf was too sceptical for them to really work, so we've ditched them (for now).

As for exercise, there is a plan for us to return to the gym doing light exercise soon - as soon as she is well again. The poor dear has come down with a bad cold or something atm, so exercise is not really on the agenda at the moment.

We'll get there, though. We have an appointment with the doctor on Sunday and psychologist on Monday. I'll let you know how the latter goes.

Cheers,

Sheldon

[blondguy]

Hi Sheldon

Matt had a great post above re mindfulness. Anxiety can lower our immune system due to the huge amount of energy required to deal with this awful disorder. I was the same as your girlfriend......colds...the flu.....it never ended.

You are a kind and caring partner Sheldon...and good on you!

Thankyou for being a part of the forum family 🙂

take care of you too

My Best. Paul

[Just Sara]

Hello Sheldon;

My name's Sara and I've been reading your thread with interest. I hope you don't mind me calling in to join in the conversation. I may have a different perspective to add to an already great group of supporters.

As a woman who's suffered with chronic ptsd causing panic and anxiety, I may be able to help, at least I hope so.

I'm familiar with Asperger syndrome having worked in the disability/mental health/A&OD sector for 15 yrs. I've also educated myself re my disorder, which has finally helped to stop anxiety, panic and insomnia now for a couple of months. I had a massive break-down 2.5 yrs ago where I couldn't function properly and was subsequently medically retired from my career.

I've read these last two pages and feel I may have some ideas and info that could help. The first is for both you and your gf.

Although anxiety is classed as a MH disorder, it is both the cause of and caused by a breakdown of the nervous system, metabolism and immune system (and sometimes sex hormones). These 'physical' illnesses cause anxiety/panic to begin in the first place. The cause of this physical breakdown is long term stress 'responses'.

Basically what this is, can be compared to a cruising vehicle that's going flat strap on a dirt road for long periods of time without a service, then not attending to the signs of wear and tear while continuing to speed.

The car, that's not built for this type of use, will eventually breakdown in a dire way. The electrical system, motor, gearbox, shocks and so on won't ever be the same. A complete re-do or replacement of parts is necessary to get the vehicle going again.

This metaphor might seem a bit of over-kill, but for me it was a matter of dealing with each part one by one, just as you would for a car.

Your problems and the stress you're dealing with may well cause a very similar condition to your gf if you don't look after your 'vehicle'. By that I mean the nervous system, metabolism and eventually your immune system.

I won't go on now because I'm interested to see if you've any desire to hear more of what I know. I may come across as too 'thingy' if you know what I mean. I'm a more practical person re anxiety, that's why I use a car as my best source of comparison.

Take care...let me know if you want me to continue.

Sara

[Belthizor]

Hi Sara,

Welcome to the thread. Your post was most interesting. I can't say for sure it will be effective for my gf (given I am not her, and various other things we've tried haven't really gotten anywhere), but I'm not exactly dismissing it, either. I'll certainly give it a try. I just want this to start improving; for things to actually succeed, even if just slowly. The anxiety/panic attack issue is really wearing.

I don't know if it's the heat at the moment, but I'm finding it difficult to really relax and (at night) to sleep well (but that's something I've struggled with long before the anxiety was an issue). I find myself constantly at alert, constantly worrying 'is she fighting the anxiety now? What can I do to help? She doesn't want to talk about it - what do I do?' and so on and so forth. It all eventually builds up and makes me so tired all the time. But at the same time, I hold a strong facade. Like, I feel I have to be strong - for her. So, I go about doing my usual chores and cooking and whatnot like everything's ok, but inside I'm tense and ready to leap into action to try and calm things down if they start to escalate. It's all very tiring.

The scariest thing about the panic attacks (other than the complete helplessness) was when she sat bolt upright out of the blue, while I thought she was sleeping (partly under the effects of the benzo) and said she was having serious suicidal thoughts. That was so scary. I was able to calm her down, of course, but still!

Other than this cold, she's been relatively fine these past few days. She's not looking forward to her psychologist's appointment tomorrow, but she understands that it's important. We need it to help us to deal with the whole anxiety/panic attack issues.

Today's doctor's appointment went well and, in regards to the benzos, the doctor basically said taking them every day was not a good idea as they lose their effectiveness and stronger doses would be required, they're addictive and coming off them is very hard. However, he did say to keep taking them as she has been previously (which is when she feels she needs them). She's a very strong-willed and stubborn woman who is adamant about getting through this without having to rely on thing like benzos, BUT is not above accepting the help when needed.

Anyway, that's all from me for now.

Thanks for listening,

Cheers,

Sheldon

[Just Sara]

Hi Sheldon;

Thanks for the feedback, info and invite re your situation. I'm honoured to be a part of your recovery and well being.

There are two issues here that are a constant in your writing; your girlfriends mental health, and your own.

With Asperger as you know, the lack of certain 'filters' causes day to day concern. Therefore, not 'fixing' things or seeing them to the end for instance, may lead to frustration and obsessiveness.

When you see your gf as a whole, the big picture includes the whole room and so you become part of it, as does everything in your environment. If you make the picture smaller, the focus changes to just one small thing like your gf eyes.

I have no doubt that looking into her eyes can be an exercise in "What the...?" A common symptom of Asperger. You're constantly focusing on the bigger picture, the one that includes you.

Now when I turn this scenario around to look at you, how do you see yourself? As part of the bigger picture that includes your gf? Or as a single entity able to get thru an hr for instance, without seeing her as part of it?

Concentration skills, especially on small things is a necessary component of her healing and recovery as well as yours, so I'm not sure you can help her from that perspective until you learn to do it for yourself first.

Example: We can't understand the biology of a living thing until we look at an atom. It has a nucleus even smaller still, and then, how do they work to create the whole. It's impossible to understand biology just by looking at a flower. You need to break it down into segments and processes.

'Independence' sounds like an issue for both of you. It would be interesting to see what your thoughts and knowledge are on this topic. (Seeing an atom as being independent of other atoms)

I've given you something to think about and don't want to overwhelm you at this point. As I've said, progress has to be one part at a time.

To summarize; recovery requires concentration on one small thing at a time; the big picture is probably frustrating you. Your filters and focus is limited by Asperger's, so finding what works is reliant on understanding 'independence' and how to use it to benefit both of you. Why an atom alone is important.

I hope you've understood this post Sheldon. (btw, I gather this is a reference to the Big Bang? If it is, I do get it you know)

Have a great day..

Sara