unsure what to do

[Wednesday]

Hello,

When do you know a relationship is over?

[Guest_5218]

Hi there Ava. I am sorry to hear that it looks like the latest infusion treatment has been unsuccessful. Have you told your specialist yet? What is the next step for you to take? I do hope that the inflamation doesnt get any worse and that it reduces again soon.

Sounds like little Happy found himself some special smelly stuff in the garden especially for your benefit no doubt. Does he like his baths? If Holly hears me running the laundry tub she runs and hides under the kitchen table, poor little girl. But she does that if she sees me with the nail clippers, the worm medicine, the tick treatment. But once I go and pick her up she's always very good and puts up with all of those procedures, knowing she will get a little treat once its all done. Bribes work very well I find.

I'm sorry you are being made to feel unwelcome or unwanted in your own home Ava, thats horrible. I also read up a bit on the passive abusive relationships info. Interesting, and somewhat familiar. Although 'grumpy' is not quite so passive as what I read. How do I manage/cope with him? With difficulty actually, as youd' know. Mostly when I am able to, I ignore it or escape to another room to allow him to settle down a bit. Anything to avoid inflaming him. When a large amount of alcohol is involved as well though, thats really hard to do.

Anyway, just a brief visit today. Maybe see more of you over the weekend.

Thanks for the love and hugs you sent on Wednesday - as well as the extras you left for me. I have been drawing on them as I've needed them over the past couple of days. Just about all used up. (-:

Emmy - have I missed a picture of you? Certainly the one I am seeing now, is not you. Although its a nice one regardless. I guess you've changed photos a few times in my absence then.

Love back to you.

Sherie xx

[Lost_Girl]

Hi lovely,

I understand that there are two sides to every story. You have seemed very unbiased with your accounts of what has happened.

This is an excerpt from that website compared with what you said.

You; "P tells me that I don't have a lot of insight into myself and that I act like a victim around his family. So I just need to think it through and be sure in my head. I don't want to be a fraud."

Excerpt; "Blaming the victim for causing their own victimization. Deformation of the truth."

You; "When he left this morning he was nice it is so confusing. No kiss goodbye tho and he will be away overnight."

Excerpt; "Mixed messages to keep recipient off balance."

Food for thought.

I hope you get a good sleep.

Carol xx

[Wednesday]

Hi Carol,

Thank you, you're right. He'll be back soon and I just can't face another fight. One step at a time.

I hope you're having a good day.

Hugs, xx

[Wednesday]

Hello dear one,

There will always be a hug for you, never feel alone my sweet. I'm so sorry that you're are having a tough time or should I say tougher time.

I Haven't spoken to my specialist, I just can't face it. I'll try write it down and call on Monday. The inflammation is continually and quickly increasing. Two lots of antibiotics later and I have still not managed to throw a silly bug, no immune system to help fight it. My hands are developing small cracks, which get infected and so on. I am so tired. Sorry for the pity party.

Carol is a gem doing all the research for me. I can't see an easy way out and it's hard to care at the moment.

Yes Happy found something particularly yucky, smelly and black. He raced into the house smelling disgusting and black with white spots. He then rubbed himself all over the couch. He copes with a bath I've found if it is warmer he minds less. He's not delighted with having his face trimmed so he can see tho. After his bath and treat he ran straight out to try to find the nice smelly spot again, but I was right on his tail, literally!

Love and heaps of hugs, Ava, xx

[Lost_Girl]

Hi there,

I am sorry, I thought looking up how to deal with passive agressive behaviour would give tips for living with it but I see now most are for how to get help with making changes and I know you are not in a position to do that. Your health is much more important right now. Here are the few tips I found that may help but you probably already know:

• Do not try to win or apply reason. Neither are what this is about.Do not join in the hostility, because that simply keeps the fires burning.
• Examine what might be your fault, and own it. Reject what is not, and say so. Maybe not say so but know in your heart instead of blaming yourself xx
• Do not engage in blame. This only exacerbates arguments.Remember that passive-aggressive behavior coming towards you is not about you. That can help you to reduce any negative reaction.
• Get help. This is bigger than both of you and you cannot see it or solve it when you are in it. You really need a professional to help you both. Maybe later you could consider counselling.

Gentle hugs for you xx

[james1]

Hey Ava,

Passive aggressive is my mum's speciality so I've had a great teacher and do it myself a lot too.

Here are some thoughts from someone who's a practioner of passive aggressive behaviour.

• Carol is spot on. So all of the above 🙂
• We are being passive aggressive because we feel hurt, rightly or wrongly. So take time out and later, when you feel comfortable, come and ask if something you said made us feel hurt. (Note: this doesn't mean you did anything wrong, just that we think you did) From here, we might be willing to have a discussion. And if not, that's our fault, not yours. You tried.
• We may hate our own behaviour but pride/sense of hurt keeps us from changing. So the key thing is we still love you.

Aand that's all I can think of for now. Carol stole my thunder and was pin-point accurate on her four points.

Hugs

James​

[Wednesday]

Hello Carol,

You are very thoughtful, thank you for your helpful work. I'll learn these and work on them. Interestingly I try to understand his side and be reasonable.

Hugs, xx

[Guest_5218]

Hi Ava,

How are you today? I notice you've not been around at all today. You are such a beautiful caring person - why cant P appreciate you for what you are? Sigh ........ some things in life remain a mystery.

So sorry to hear about all that you are contending with right now - the joint inflamation, inability to shake off the bug, the skin cracking and subsequent infections and of course the ongoing pain that is your constant companion. Life is so hard for some, where as others seem to breeze through life without even a hiccup. I often wonder why that is. Certainly it isnt a matter of deserving or otherwise. Is it that only the strongest are tested?

Yes you are right - Carol is wonderful with all that she does for so many. Myself included there. I hope some of these tips help to make life a little easier for you as you continue to reside with P. It wont be easy, but anything that makes things even a little easier is worth the effort. Some interesting and helpful insight there from James too.

I hope the call to your specialist tomorrow goes okay. Perhaps they have something else they can try for you that will be more successful.

Much love to you Ava, and a big gentle hug. Pat also for smelly little Happy. (-:

Sherie xx

[Wednesday]

Hi James,

Thanks for your support. I'll take on board your advice and see how I go!

Hugs, xx

[Wednesday]

Hello Sherie,

Thanks for your post and your very kind words.

P and I had a chat. The outcome was that we will try harder and re-evaluate in July 2017. That is make a decision to stay or go. I was as clear as I could be, but that doesn't always work and he was feeling defensive. I din't try to win or apply reason and was not hostile (thank you Carol and James). So I have a deadline to work towards. He is trying but still managed to throw a little tizzy fit over a remote control earlier. I left him alone.

I haven't been around because I've been too ill and typing is painful. I can't even dictate because I have no voice, and I do a shocking job of it anyway!

I called my specialist who thinks that all the bugs I've had have caused the inflammation to increase and overrode the medications. The inflammation includes tendons and ligaments as well as joints, e.g. my chest is painful because of the soft tissue that holds my ribs together. I have other meds I can take but they have a bad effect on my brain, I have taken some tho. I'm to contact her after the next infusion in a couple of weeks.

Happy, is delighted with his pat and no longer smelly so you should be okay!

Love and hugs, Ava, xx