unsure what to do

[Wednesday]

Hello,

When do you know a relationship is over?

[Guest_5218]

Hi Wednesday,

Firstly I encourage you to do whats best for you. That needs to take into account your reliance on proper medical care, your emotional needs, your physical needs and what makes you happy.

I thought it was quite telling when you said the other day "My partner has been away for a week, and sadly it has been a relief."

I expect you would have already read up on how to identify a narcissist. Can you tell me which are the most tell-tale signs which indicate to you that P may well be one? Keeping in mind that in a very simplistic sense a 'narcissist' means egotistical, self-focused and vain.

Nobody can tell you what is best for you Wednesday. But if this relationship is harmful, then you are better off out of it. And it is up to you to determine whether it is harmful enough to give up some of the pluses that the relationship might otherwise provide.

I dont envy your predicament, as you have a number of difficult and unique issues to consider in your decision making process.

Ultimately is all about - Whats best for you? Hugs to you.

Sherie xx

[Wednesday]

Hello Sherie,

I may well be very wrong about P, I was just picking ups on something Star said.

• P is quite self involved, his anxieties are always about himself and how he will cope. At some level he does know this.
• He doesn't see other things that are before him, for example, when we were walking one day, I was pushed and fell over, he saw it happen but it didn't occur to him to stop and help me up.
• Any ache or pain is serious. He expects to be waited on what ever the problem, regardless of how I am.
• Most of our conversations (over and over again) are about how he is coping with his job etc.
• While I was in the middle of the chemo cycle he went on holiday for a week immediately after a treatment.
• I drive myself to and from the hospital for my current round of treatments. He would help but he is always busy.
• I always have to wait for any help.
• He shouts at me to come to him when something is going wrong e.g. computer issue.
• He is very clear on his family requirements but is more of a friend than a parent to his adult children.
• He pretends but has little time for my family.
• I don't think he has thought anything about how much money he has spent on this trip and if the cost came up he was very defensive.
• Everything is my fault, e.g. he nearly hit car because I jumped. "look what you made me do" is a favourite saying.
• Sometimes he will surprise me by doing something nice, like buying a bunch of flowers.
• I've had the panic overseas calls to fix things while he was away and the I love you's, can't wait to cuddle up when I get home. He is not an easy man to cuddle and will often refuse a hug.
• He comes home tomorrow after being away two weeks and his thought is to go to the football with his son, in the afternoon, not about catching up with me.
• His ex wife seems to me to be very controlling and manipulative, maybe its all a reaction to that relationship. She still influences his life.

Oh I don't know maybe I am just being extremely negative. Being on the forum I've realised that I too suffer from some anxiety, though it's about other things. Making sure that the house is locked up for example is important to me.

xx

[Wednesday]

PS. P has social anxiety and finds dealing with people very hard and avoids were possible

[Guest_5218]

Thanks Wednesday, thats a fairly comprehensive list. And all of these things are of obvious concern to you. Many of them are typical of a narcissist, but in an isolated instance are not necessarily conclusive.

For example: is P extremely jealous and possessive of you? Does he constantly keep tabs on you? Does he like to keep you locked up at home while he is out having fun (with his mates, other women, etc)? Is he in need of admiration and have an exaggerated sense of self importance? Is he lacking in empathy for others around him? Is he arrogant and callous in his dealings with others? Is he vain, and have a need to be seen as being the most important, powerful or knowledgable person in the room? Is it important for him to know that he is very well respected amongst his peers? Can he be a totally different person at home with you, than amongst his peers? Ie, the public persona does not fit the private person.

Certainly with a narcissist nothing is ever their fault, anything that goes wrong will always be attributed to someone else. And yes, a part of the narcissists power is their ability to be totally charming. Most people who know my husband see him as charming, witty, intelligent, important, a lovely person and a caring husband. And he can be all of those things. But that is only the public persona, the one he wants everyone else to see. But there is another side to a narcissist, the side most people rarely get to see. At home there are the jealous tantrums, the constant putdowns, the threats.

Wednesday I would do more research if I were you. There are a number of good threads on this Site dealing with narcissists, and you may get some tips and information from them. I would never suggest to you that you should leave a relationship that provides comfort and companionship for both parties. But I do know that a relationship with a true narcissist is a very destructive one. It is not a happy relationship to be in. And from all that you have said throughout this thread (irrespective of whether P is a narcissist, or not) you dont appear to be happy. You are questioning your reasons for staying in an unhappy relationship which appears to be very much one sided.

Keep in mind that if you ever do decide to leave, you will need a safe place to retreat to. If P is a narcissist then you could find yourself in danger if you choose to leave him. That scenario just doesnt fit their view of themselves. So I advise caution.

Sherie xx

[Wednesday]

Hi Sherie,

The scenario you talked about actually fits my first husband down to a T. It took me forever for get him out of my/our life, he tracked me from house to house, state to state, he was able to get hold of my unlisted phone numbers, find out where I worked and cause whatever trouble he could from talking to my boss about me or sending them faxes, reporting me to anyone/agency that would listen and filling my cars petrol tank with water to buying a gun to shoot "something" and threatening suicide. He terrorised us for around twenty years. He was a constant unnerving presence, even after he had remarried. I rang the police after he tracked us down to the ACT and asked when this sort of thing stopped the officer said when one of you die. I haven't heard from him for a few years now. My children have had to put up with a lot.

Back to P he doesn't fit that profile, his social anxiety makes having people around very difficult, but he doesn't ring everyone I know to find out where I am.

The things I mentioned weren't just one offs he concentrates his efforts on himself, maybe he is just good at getting what he needs out of our relationship. He is often oblivious to the needs of others and closes down making it difficult to know what is going on. He does work on doing the right thing, like remembering to buy his children birthday presents.

I don't know how you are managing Sherie, I hope you are safe. Please take good care of you. xx

[Guest_5218]

I'm sorry Wednesday that you've had to go through all that. As you have not heard from him for a few years now though, hopefully that means he is now out of your life. And a damned good thing!

Its thought that narcissists tend to go for younger women - possibly because they are easier to control and manipulate as well as the fact they may be more naive or vulnerable. Does any of this ring a bell with your first husband? It does for me. I know now what I need to do to keep safe, so I'm okay. But thanks for your concern. (-:

I guess it all comes down to whether this current relationship with P is providing you with what you want and need right now. Sometimes what is important to us changes due to circumstances. But it shouldnt all be about him, it needs to be for you also. Perhaps he is just a self centred and selfish man? Anxiety is not an excuse for bad behavior. However nobody is all bad, and everyone has their good points, as I'm certain P does. I think you need to weigh up the pros and cons with an open mind as to what is important to you in your life at this point in time. I hope I am helpful here Wednesday. I am trying to go back to the original purpose of your thread - about you being unsure of what to do. Trying to help you think things through logically and with an open mind.

Love to you, and a grateful hug also for understanding.

Sherie xx

[Wednesday]

Thank you Sherie,

Oddly when I met my ex he was so much better than where I'd come from, said he loved me, wanted to get married almost immediately, I was 18 and very vulnerable. So it's not a surprise (to me at least) that I put up with anything he threw at me, because he loved me. When I had children I made a promise to them as babies that they would not have to live as I had growing up. This made me accountable and I had to save them, sadly I took to long. I'm very proud of both of them but they are scarred which I deeply regret.

However, it is good for me to get back on track. I think it's something like... can I, or how can I, live happily within the boundaries that he and his family have set for me.

I think I am clearer now (we'll see tomorrow). I think he is also going to have to make some decisions about what is acceptable behaviour towards me from his family (I think I know). It's more about me not rocking the boat. Currently, I am not allowed to discuss his children (or grandchildren who I would adore to be around) because it upsets him too much. I'll see how courageous I'm feeling when the time is right.

You're a treasure love and hugs, xx

[Guest_5218]

Hi Wednesday. I think when we are feeling vulnerable and with low self esteem (which a traumatic past definitely does to you) its almost like we are grateful for someone even taking an interest in us. And assurances of love tops it all off. Unfortunately a narcissist is only truly capable of self love, everyone else is secondary. I'm sure your first husband did love you, as much as he was capable of doing. As in his own way, I think my husband loves me. I know he needs me now, and that is one of the main reasons I am still here.

You did well to protect your kids as best you could. It sounds as though they are both grown up now and although a little battlescarred, have survived the difficulties unfairly thrown at them. It has probably paved the way to a very realistic view of life - that nothing comes easily, including happiness and sometimes safety.

So you would have collected P from the airport this morning? A day later than originally expected. (-:

I hope you find the opportunity to sit down with him over the coming days and have a heart to heart about firstly what you both want out of this relationship. And secondly whether you are both achieving the things you want. If it turns out that you're not currently meeting either his or your expectations or needs, then I'd suggest you discuss changes needed to create a more harmonious and personally satisfying relationship for you both. Be courageous, because this is important. Its your life, and we are talking about things which can bring you ongoing happiness in the long term. You deserve to be happy Wednesday. You've had a really difficult life up to now, through no fault of your own. Fight for the happiness you so richly deserve.

Thanks for the comment on my thread about the latest profile pic. I tend to change photos depending on mood. When I am feeling vulnerable or down, I remove any identifying photo. Then when I am feeling more confident I will put up a new one of me. This particular photo was taken when I was mid to late 40's, so about 10 years ago. Its slightly disguised, so I'm hoping I wont be recognised by anyone I may know. My profile picture is probably a reasonably accurate guage of how I am feeling at any one time. Ie Vulnerable vs Confident.

Much love to you. And a big hug too.

Sherie xx

[Wednesday]

Hi Sherie,

Thanks for your posts and letting me in on the idea behind changing your decision. I am sorry if I have embarrassed you with my words.

I am concerned for you. I have faith that you know what you are doing, but these guys are street smart, take very good care of yourself.

It has been a tough life and there is still more to tell. I have said more on BB than I think I ever have. I saw a counsellor a year ago and still couldn't talk about my past, so I briefly wrote down my history on a page, she refused to read my note. It looks more like a movie script than a life, which is a bit embarrassing. Not helpful of her, I guess it was about maintaining her boundaries.

Anyway, I'll try another conversation with P. I think your right in that he is just self absorbed.

One step at a time heh! Next visit to the medi-hotel (i.e. hospital) on Wednesday.

I have to find somewhere for Happy to go because his separation anxiety would make him ill. Happy, is getting better and each month I see improvements, but it is still to early too leave him for an entire day. P who largely works from home is too busy and can't change his schedule.

Love and hugs, xx

[Guest_5218]

Hi Wednesday.

With regards to your therapist previously refusing to read your story, I cant believe they would be so rude and dismissive. These people are meant to be able to deal with those of us who are not comfortable in relating certain aspects of our lives. I know my psych has always encouraged me to write things down for her, because she knew (especially in the early days) that I just could not talk about a lot of things. And I know she has always taken the time to read them. She set me a task at one stage to write my story for her and it ended up being 6 typed pages. When I originally did my exposure therapy last year she had my write about my traumatic experience in as much detail as I was comfortable with. That was the only way she could get me to open up about what occurred. We did slowly progress from there thankfully. (-:

But I think what I am really getting at is that it would have been an exception to the rule that your counsellor would not bother to read your relatively short note. If you ever get the chance to try again with a different counsellor, I would go for it if I were you. I assure you that they are not all like that.

Good luck with your discussions with P. I realise it will not be easy for either of you.

When you say you have a hospital visit on Wednesday - is that just for the day, or do you need to stay overnight. I guess this is a regular thing to monitor your conditions.

Poor little Happy having to stay on his own. I so wish I was there as I would love to look after him. Does P get on well with Happy? I dont know where you live, but sometimes vets have doggie day care arrangements where you can drop them in for the day. I'm lucky with Holly, because she is really good to leave at home on her own. She just settles in for a sleep on the bed where she can watch out the window to see me when I get home.

Love to you too Wednesday. Yes ... very true - one step at a time is the way to go.

Sherie xx