unsure what to do

[Wednesday]

Hello,

When do you know a relationship is over?

[Wednesday]

Hi Ravenq,

Thank you for your kind words, breathing back on track. I hope you are looking after yourself too. xx

[Lost_Girl]

Hi Wednesday,

I'm glad to have met you in the cafe. I'm sorry that things are tough for you right now.

You have some wonderful advice here from kind and caring people.

I suggest checking your list and perhaps writing more. Often when one part of our lives stops going so well we go back and reevaluate everything so it can be a really confusing time. There is some information about this if you search up Maslows basic needs.

What I find helps is a list of what you want in life, in your relationship, your goals both short and long term. Then look at what you can and can't control on that list to make it happen. Once you have this I find things get clearer on what you really need and how those things are or can be met.

An example might be: I need friends. What you can't control is that your partner is not comfortable with people at the house. What you can control is to arrange to meet them out or ask your partner to go out elsewhere when you want them over. Perhaps you can do this when he goes to his kids for dinner?

Sadly you can't control how the kids behave with not inviting you but you can choose how to spend that time. I have a friend who immensely dislikes her partner's daughter for absolutely no reason. The way she talks shows that she just doesn't want to share him. You never know, your partner's kids may be the same as irrational as it is, try not to take it personally.

It is nice to feel needed by someone and loved especially if you are unwell yourself and are needing that security and comfort. You both seem to fulfill some needs for each other but perhaps are questioning is it enough.

I'd have a go at writing it all. Perhaps that can then be something you can use to talk through with him. I think Lyn has an excellent point about men not always knowing how serious it can be and it coming as a shock when the partner leaves. I have been through that too in my past.

I also have a chronic tension headache that is constant so I empathise with your current pain and limitations on what you can do if you ever want to talk about it.

Kind thoughts,

Carol

[Wednesday]

Thanks Carol, you are all so kind that you made me cry, but in a good way. I don't feel I have control over anything. Every time I do I find I don't. I was really looking forward to having some space and time to think while he's away. But it's not happened.

My health is a long and boring story and frustrates me enormously then I just resign myself to it, thank goodness for a cosy doona. I just want to wake up well, no more doctors, hospitals, injections, blood tests, tablets, drug infusions and no more side effects. I want to be able to move around easily. I want to be able to weed the garden and walk my dog around my neighbourhood (I drive to an off leash dog park). Sorry pity party.

But I'm not alone am I. I am so sorry chronic headaches would be dreadful. Hugs.

[Wednesday]

PS I obviously have to take my portion of the blame for my relationship with the kids. But I give up now. Fairy tales aren't true after all. They have mum and dad and don't need an add on. After all they didn't choose me their dad did. It just makes me sad - that dam Brady Bunch show has a lot to answer for! x

[Lost_Girl]

Hi there,

All your wishes sound the same as mine xx I like a good pity party, they can be therapeutic in the right forum 🙂

Yes the Brady Bunch does indeed have a lot to answer for....Marcia, Marcia, Marcia haha

The older I get the more I wish tv was a bit more realistic. Some things in life come as a real shock when it is not like tv.

Have you got any hobbies or things you can do at home that make you happy? I had to take up crocheting again as it is one of the few things I can do without increasing the pain. I have taught myself how to make crocheted toys which has been fun.

Carol xx

[Wednesday]

Hi Carol,

I'm trying to find things to do that work for me. Painting dragon flies on the garage seems to be out of the question, ummm.

Still thinking....

Maybe some energy and motivation would help, working on that too.

xx

[Lost_Girl]

Hi Wednesday,

Yeah I get that. I could do with some energy. I have so much I want to do but just can't do it. Netflix has been a lifesaver.

Hope today is a better day for you.

Kind thoughts,

Carol

[Wednesday]

Thanks Carol. x

[Starwolf]

Hi Wednesday,

I'm sorry to say there's no such thing as a straight even path where emotional turmoil is concerned. Ups and downs are common and I agree that this roller coaster ride can be more exhausting than exhilarating.

Needy men have the knack of baiting their partner back whenever they feel she may want to slip through the net. That's what narcissistic men do. They know exactly what to say/do to push your buttons. There is a tendency in all of us to believe what we would want to be true, even if evidence to the contrary is loud and clear.

Growing up within a dysfunctional family makes us needy too. We end up feeling we are not worthy of love. We tend to believe everything is our fault when the reasons why we are neglected/abandoned rest on the other side. Having been left to our own device as helpless children, we're understandably scared the same will keep happening. We crave what was denied to us but often go looking for it in the wrong places because the mind follows and repeats learned patterns. But as adults, we will come to realize that we are far from helpless and able to make choices. As Carol pointed out there's a lot we can control but taking control and responsibility can be a steep learning curve. There again, small steps in the chosen direction will get you there.

Please keep in mind that you are doing the best you can to get this complex situation figured and sorted out. The more you keep venting your feelings, the clearer they will become, although they are contradictory now and you feel pulled in different directions. Being emotionally involved makes objectivity difficult. This is why you are clearer when on your own than when your partner is around or pulling the strings...then determination disappears and you're lured back under control.

Many women here at BB are unfortunately familiar with this process. Reading about these stories is helpful as it is always much easier to figure what is happening when not personally concerned. Then we begin to notice similarities with our own situation...

You're on the right track, Wednesday. Be kind to yourself.

Here for you.

[Wednesday]

Thanks Star,

I hate the way my past trips me up, it was I suspect similar to yours. I'm older and probably sound super wussy. I have done a lot in my life to make sure I didn't repeat patterns with my own children and acknowledge the choices I make that are not healthy. I made some mistakes over time, but I thought this man was different he is gentle and non-violent. I thought that his super anxiety was a good reason for some of his behaviour. Hey and who am I to complain about health issues. I am naturally nurturing, which is his attraction to me. Though I do have to remind him that I am not his mother. There was a big gap after I left my marriage, which took me ages. It was clear I was getting too hurt and my doctor pointed out that people only buy guns to shoot with.

I thought I had figured me out. Maybe I am just plain needy too.

People have/would describe me as calm, compassionate, strong and resilient, but what would they know.

I've had to resign my job because of ill health. Funnily in my role I was sent in to sort out problems. One of my bosses used to call me Wolf as in the character from the movie Pulp Fiction. Haha, lucky he can't see me now. It's strange not working.

I digress, you have mentioned narcissistic people, time to do some research me thinks.

Hugs.