Thoughts of suicide when not ‘suicidal’?

[Tams20]

I’ve been struggling with depression lately and have been experiencing some very dark moods. I haven’t missed a day of work or caring for my family, even though I barely hold it together some days and my weekends are usually spent recovering. I’ve been on SSRIs for a few months that I feel aren’t working that well and have also scheduled a review with my GP this week. Am also going to ask for counselling just so that I can talk to someone about my issues, as I am not one for burdening friends and family with my problems.

Just recently I have started fantasising about a particular method of suicide. Quite graphic thoughts and planning (I won’t go into detail) that has gotten me so concerned that I now take steps so that I physically couldn’t do it. I don’t actually believe that I could do it, I don’t actually think that I am suicidal, but on some days I feel quite reckless about it, almost as if I’m daring myself to do it. I almost enjoy the thought of it. After the urge has passed I think if my kids and I feel like the worst person in the world.

Is this a common thing for when you’re depressed? Is it perhaps related to the medication?

Thanks.

[Tams20]

Hi Frosty,

Have you mentioned these thoughts to your GP? I’d recommend that you get a follow up appointment and explain what is happening and how you’re feeling. I wrote it all down (Croix’s suggestion) and handed it to my GP which helped me a lot. Easier than talking about it!

I am the same with work and weekends. It’s good to keep busy, takes your mind off how you are feeling.

Tams

[Tams20]

Hi Croix,

Feeling a bit better today, I think the call to the psych can wait for now.

I agree about cutting down on things, am trying to keep it simple at the moment. I’ve been spending a lot of time lately trying to get away from my family and hang around with my friends... I think I’m having a midlife crisis of sorts so it makes me feel like I’m young again. I need to pull back on that and refocus my attention on spending time with my husband and kids.

Cutting back on social media will also help - you only ever get to see the good bits of everyone’s lives and it is hard not to compare...

Tams

[Frosty_34]

Hi Tams,

Thanks for the reply.

Im booked in to see my GP and will discuss all these new feelings im having.

It definitely helps when ya keep busy, but i tend to run my self into the ground with work, so I now take some chill out time most weekends which then end up been a negative due to these suicidal thoughts.

my biggest problem i think is been negative. ive been told by people many a time ' why are you so negative" but i truly dont mean to be.

This leads a whole lot of feelings and experiences and suicidal thoughts has been the end result

frosty

[Tams20]

Hi Frosty,

I can be negative too. Not so much in what I say, but my thinking is often very negative. I’m pretty hard on myself, very critical of everything that I do. I’m feeling quite down at the moment, so my ‘Inner Critic’ is getting a good run. Unfortunately.

It’s good that you’re seeing the GP, the suicidal thoughts are horrible. Especially bad if they happen when you’re meant to be away from work and recharging! I’m still getting them on and off, pretty sure I’d never act on it but it’s still a worry.

Tams

[Tams20]

OK so I have been SSRI-free for 3 days, after tapering off them over only 8 days, and I have been struggling - dizzy, light-headed, difficulty concentrating, insane dreams, difficulty sleeping, headaches, not to mention the crippling depression.

My Psychiatrist wanted me off them quickly, but coming off then has probably only made things worse. I have had the worst few days of my life, I feel that nobody understands me, nobody cares, everything is hopeless. Everybody else is getting on with their lives and I’m seemingly incapable of coping. Hopeless idiot.

Today I feel slightly better but so fragile - like any setback at all could have me curling in a ball on the floor and sobbing. Something as simple as a late (or no) response to a text sent to a friend has me feeling paranoid and resentful. They hate me, they’re sick of my sh*t, they want me to go away. I would never have cared so much about this type of thing before.

I am so tempted just to call this whole thing off - I think I coped better before I started down the path of getting help. I like the old me better. And I think my family and friends do too. Am starting to think that all of this medication is just making me worse. I coped before, I was OK 80% of the time and the other 20% was manageable. I did better at work, I had better relationships with friends and family, I was healthier, I slept better, I did more exercise and, most importantly, I ENJOYED things. I had fun. I want my old life back - compared to this nonsense it was actually quite good!

I think I may have been misdiagnosed. I feel that I have steered my GP and Psych in a certain direction accidentally, because of other things going on in my life, and now I can’t seem to get back. I don’t want this - I want to wind back the clock and NOT book that appointment with my GP....

(A very frustrated and disillusioned) Tams

[Frosty_34]

Hi Tams,

Thinking of you.. i hope your managing ok.

everything that you are going through atm I am too. have been off my medication for a more than 3 days and I feel terrible.

why cant we just be happy people, this disease sucks . i wanna call it off too

i actually told me employer i was leaving in a couple months, i wanted to pack everything up , sell what i didnt need and go on a journey to find happiness again. camping , fishing, a fire under the stars. all the simple things.

after feeling ok for a weekend i went into work and said " ive changed my mind ill stay to christmas"

i regret everything ive said. i just wannna leave everything.

i feel like im in the same rocking boat as you Tams.

hold on tight, the storms here..

frosty

[Tams20]

Hi Frosty,

I love your analogy of being on a rocking boat as the storm comes in - that’s exactly how it feels. You’ve got to hang on tight and roll with it, hoping that you don’t capsize. Perfectly described.

Your idea of taking off and getting back to the simple things in life sounds great - are you in a position where you could do this? If you are, maybe you should give it a go? If you’re regretting saying you’ll stay until Christmas maybe you should quit sooner and take off. It’s worth a try if it makes you feel happy again!

Tams

[Croix]

Dear frustrated and disillusioned Tams (with a wave to Frosty)~

You feel horrible at the moment, actually horrible does not do it justice. And you are feeling that way because that old life was not that sunny no matter what you might think at the moment. Things get better. Like going to the dentist (something that gives me the horrors) one endures it to get to a better place. Mind you I've sometimes just about convinced myself I had no toothache as I've walked into the surgery:)

You are still the same competent and caring person you have always been, and more than capable of being in charge of your treatment. If after a reasonable trial something is not working it is time for a rethink, no one is going to take that ability away, you are still calling the shots.

Waiting on a return call, email, text or even a post here is a real mental trap. It is one reason if I think I'm going to stress over it I'll try for direct contact or else shelve the matter whenever I can. In your present state you are going to think the worst - it will most likely be nowhere near the truth.

Hang in there

Croix

[Tams20]

Hi Croix,

Thanks again for your reply 😊

Am feeling a bit better today. Still getting short lightheaded/dizzy spells but my thoughts seem to be a bit more under control. I think I can feel my resilience starting to return... not feeling so needy and clingy. Quite noticeable with one friend in particular, actually not feeling so dependent on her for the first time in a couple of months. She’s quit her job in the building next door to mine and I actually don’t mind that I won’t see her so much. This could be the old me coming back - hopefully Version 2.0 with some bug fixes!

I was also happier and calmer at home last night with husband and kids. Not worrying as much, no tears, no overthinking. Didn’t lose my temper and shout. First time in a long time.

Fingers crossed that this isn’t just the eye of the storm but that I’ve come out of it... I’m skeptical but hopeful.

Tams

[Croix]

Dear Tam~

You are not a weather event, and there is no 'eye in the storm', you are simply improving. Not always an even process, true, but you are getting there. I'm please you sound better.

Croix