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Thoughts of suicide when not ‘suicidal’?

Tams20
Community Member

I’ve been struggling with depression lately and have been experiencing some very dark moods. I haven’t missed a day of work or caring for my family, even though I barely hold it together some days and my weekends are usually spent recovering. I’ve been on SSRIs for a few months that I feel aren’t working that well and have also scheduled a review with my GP this week. Am also going to ask for counselling just so that I can talk to someone about my issues, as I am not one for burdening friends and family with my problems.

Just recently I have started fantasising about a particular method of suicide. Quite graphic thoughts and planning (I won’t go into detail) that has gotten me so concerned that I now take steps so that I physically couldn’t do it. I don’t actually believe that I could do it, I don’t actually think that I am suicidal, but on some days I feel quite reckless about it, almost as if I’m daring myself to do it. I almost enjoy the thought of it. After the urge has passed I think if my kids and I feel like the worst person in the world.

Is this a common thing for when you’re depressed? Is it perhaps related to the medication?

Thanks.

192 Replies 192

Tams20
Community Member

Hi Croix,

My Psychiatrist assessment is tomorrow - am both nervous (I have no idea what to expect, what I will say, how it will make me feel, what she will say etc etc) and also very much looking forward to getting her professional opinion. And getting off this bad fit of meds and onto something that makes me more stable. I just need to try to be as open and honest with her as I can - for someone who hates talking about this stuff, I’m sure it will be a huge struggle!

I’ve also been reunited with my ‘on again, off again’ friend - my recent efforts to push her away were nearly successful, I was brutal with her for no reason other than my own inability to cope with my feelings. But again she has been very understanding and patient with me. I need to stop trying to hurt her, I’m so much better off with her in my life than without. I just need to hold this line in my mind (which isn’t entirely rational at the moment).

Tams

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Tams20~

I used to play a 'game' - well not realy a game - and write down various facets of my mental state, suicidal thoughts, anger, resentment, feeling nothing will improve etc etc on papers and as the conversation went that way either hand one over or read it myself as a prompt (which is the way it went most of the time). It let me give a more measured and complete view to the psychiatrist. Eventually he got sick of it and asked for the lot:)

So what I'm saying is there are various ways of getting the facts over to another. Maybe writing will help, maybe rehearsal, something else. I guess the better the description the more appropriate the treatment.

It will work out OK, you will gain from this whatever happens.

I'm pleased your friend is still there for you, it may take you a fair while to reach a comfortable stage with the friendship, but it has to be better than lashing out.

Croix

Tams20
Community Member

Hi Croix,

I did take your original advice and wrote down what I was feeling and what had been happening for my last doctor’s visit. She found it useful, we discussed each item, and she also attached it to the letter of referral for the psychiatrist. Might save a bit of questioning - I need to make the best use of the time I’ve got 😊

Tams

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Tams~

What can I say? Very sensible 😏

-C

Hello Tams

So pleased you found it useful to write down what you want to say. How lovely your GP is to include it in your referral. I imagine the psychiatrist will find it helpful. I hope all goes well with the assessment.

Being open and honest is the ideal but don't get too upset if you find it more difficult than you anticipated. I am never good meeting with a different MH specialist. My GP had a hard time convincing me to go to a new psych and I was so uptight about it and scared I would show a side of me I did not like. It took a long while to relax and trust her. Learning to trust was hard because of past experiences.

So you have made up with your friend. This sounds like a friend to keep if she is not put off by some things you said. Perhaps you can open up a bit and explain why you needed to push her and others away. Mull it over and if it appears to be the right thing you can find an opportunity to discuss it.

Best wishes for tomorrow.

Mary

Hi Mary & Croix,

My visit to the psychiatrist yesterday went well, she has confirmed my doctor’s diagnosis of Bipolar II and adjusted my meds (to get me off the SSRIs and into mood stabilisers). I’ve got a few more visits with her until she’s happy that I’m stable, then it will be up to me to manage with my GP. All quite positive really. I’m glad I know what it is now, I’ve always known I was a bit ‘different’ but couldn’t work out why...

Croix, the psych was impressed with my written notes, it helped with the consultation as we worked through the list and she asked me questions. Apparently I’m a ‘model patient’ for giving such comprehensive notes. Teacher’s pet 😁.

Mary, my friend and I are good again, probably better than before now that we have some ‘water under the bridge’, so to speak. Her marriage counselling has been going well so we’re both in a better place than a few weeks ago! She actually has a good friend that has Bipolar so she knows what to expect, which is useful for me. I just have to keep my own feelings under control. Shouldn’t be a problem with the new meds 🤞🤞.

All positive at the moment, just have to keep it up.

Tams

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Teacher's Pet~

I'm delighted with your last post, it sounds as if everything is going exceptionally well. To get perceptive medical personnel is not always easy. Having a diagnosis that fits is a great thing and hopefully the more targeted meds will make a big difference. Plus you now know more about yourself, always a good thing

Friendship really is something that helps make life worth-while, I do hope it smooths out (for the both of you:) from now on.

Croix

Salem
Community Member
I have been through the same thought process there's times when I tell myself I don't want to go on anymore and I think of doing harm to myself or suicide but that's the panic and anxiety overwhelming my mind so I fantasize suicide as the solution to my depression but I still have enough common sense to realize that its not the thing to do because the impact it would have on my wife and children and family would be devastating you will be lumping them with distress sadness grief burden that doesnt seem fair there's always a solution another day things can change things can get better you have to find some inner strength you only have one life on earth try and do some good instead of harm that's all I can think of at the moment my little brain is starting to hurt

Hello Tams

Many congratulations on at last knowing your particular MI. May not be the best but you now know and that is priceless. While my diagnosis is MDD I have a couple of side bits, just to make life more complicated. It's OK now I know. Did the psych say if you are likely to have any side effects? I hope all is plain sailing. Once the meds settle down I think you will feel so much better.

Great to hear about your friend. We usually have only a couple of these friends in our lives but they are worth their weight in gold (assuming anyone carries that much gold around). When we have problems, even though they are different from our friends, it means we can empathise with their pain. Great stuff.

Mary

Dear Salem

Hello and welcome to Beyond Blue. Glad you decided to post here. If you want to talk about another topic I think it would be good to start your own thread. That way you will be more visible to everyone and will receive posts from those people who relate to you.

Suicide is a huge subject. I have been in your place and know how devastating it can be. Suicidal thoughts can be thought of as a safety valve, somewhere you can hide when everything gets too much. In my opinion it is not about caring for family and friends which stops you going ahead, although it is absolutely true that families of those who suicide are left with enormous pain. I found that when I was in my deepest dark and smelly pit I had no thought about anyone else. So while you can remember and think about your family you are less likely to go ahead.

My real breakthrough happened when I realised one day I had not had suicidal thoughts and had not thought in this way for some time. I was amazed and made myself think about it. No good, couldn't summon the thoughts. Yes it was a wonderful feeling. I have finally learned nothing in my life was impossible to manage. I do have the odd temper tantrum and down day, I do get despondent and wonder what is happening in my life. Just the realisation that nothing was going to take me there again was so exhilarating.

If you want to set up your own thread please let me know via this thread and I can find you.

Mary