Thoughts of suicide when not ‘suicidal’?

[Tams20]

I’ve been struggling with depression lately and have been experiencing some very dark moods. I haven’t missed a day of work or caring for my family, even though I barely hold it together some days and my weekends are usually spent recovering. I’ve been on SSRIs for a few months that I feel aren’t working that well and have also scheduled a review with my GP this week. Am also going to ask for counselling just so that I can talk to someone about my issues, as I am not one for burdening friends and family with my problems.

Just recently I have started fantasising about a particular method of suicide. Quite graphic thoughts and planning (I won’t go into detail) that has gotten me so concerned that I now take steps so that I physically couldn’t do it. I don’t actually believe that I could do it, I don’t actually think that I am suicidal, but on some days I feel quite reckless about it, almost as if I’m daring myself to do it. I almost enjoy the thought of it. After the urge has passed I think if my kids and I feel like the worst person in the world.

Is this a common thing for when you’re depressed? Is it perhaps related to the medication?

Thanks.

[Guest8901]

Dear Tams,

Really good to hear that things are just ticking along quite nicely for you right now. Very much appreciate your update. Actually I had just finished responding to you on my thread, when I noticed your post here come up.

No drama's ... always a good thing. Here's hoping that continues for you. Getting the medication at the right level, and having now adjusted to it, has no doubt improved everything else as well. I'm sorry the chatter in your head continues, along with the overthinking and second guessing, but at least you are now able to deal with it.

Very happy for you.

Amanda 🌹

[Tams20]

Hi Amanda,

Thanks for your response, you are very kind, particularly when I know you have so much going on in your life (I’ve been following your thread and am glad you had a good visit with your family - and that you got through your stopover in Sydney without incident)

I’ve been meaning to respond on this thread but every time I come to the BB site I struggle to find anything to say. So I just read through other people’s threads. I’m on a bit of a down swing at the moment, keep hoping that each new day will be better than the last, but it’s just that little bit worse. Nothing I can put my finger on, just not wanting to engage with my life. Of course I’m still functioning, trying to push through it, trying to enjoy things, trying not to cancel plans, over-analyse, overthink. I’d really like to curl up in a ball on my bed and stay there. I was off work for 4 days last week with a bad cold/flu which hasn’t helped with my mood. My mood also didn’t help with my illness either. If that makes sense...

Anyway, that’s me at the moment. Not quite as good as my last post! But I’m still around.

Tams

[White_Rose]

Dear Tams

Lovely to hear from you even though you are feeling a bit down. It's in fashion on BB at the moment as both Croix and me are going through a down patch as well. We are still writing but not as prolifically as we were once doing.

I was very pleased with your earlier reply and sad to hear your current mood was causing you to struggle a little. It's the way of the beast to do this to us for any reason or none. A pleasant outcome to your interactions with your friend. You sound content with the way things are going.

Have you visited your GP lately? Shame on me but I cannot remember if you were seeing a psychologist. If so does it help? Perhaps a chat with your GP would be helpful and maybe she/he will suggest a slight increase in meds. I know you are not keen and I quite agree with you in general. Sadly I find I needed to just take the antidepressant and stop fighting it. Since the end of July I have stopped taking four other medications (not to do with depression) and that has made me feel heaps better. It no longer feels like I am spending every morning swallowing tablets. This has come about because I have lost a lot of weight which also makes me feel better.

Amanda I have never come across your thread and I wonder if you would give me its location. I would like to respond to you if possible.

Feeling you do not have anything to talk about is OK. Sometimes we simply feel down without knowing why. It's a good idea to browse other threads because you never know when something will catch your eye and give you a lift.

Mary

[Guest8901]

Dear Tams,

So nice to hear from you .. its been a while since you last posted, and I had been wondering about how you were doing. Awww .. sorry things are not quite as good as your last report, but I guess we all have our ups and downs. And it does sound as though things are not too bad, just not quite as good as it was last time. And thats okay, because its still much better than it was some months back. So its a sign that good progress has indeed been made, and continues to be made. You're really doing very well, and all credit to you for persevering under difficult circumstances.

How lovely of you ... keeping an eye on my thread, and for your kind words. Thank you .... xx I do know what you mean about sometimes having no words. I do that too .. quite often in fact .. where I just read threads and have no words, despite caring deeply and with a great desire to offer hope or help. Sometimes it just isnt in me, and I get concerned about saying the wrong thing, or sounding silly compared to other great posts. I guess I just feel very inadequate at times. But I try to reassure myself that people do actually appreciate when we post, that it means something to know we all care and take the time to post.

Sorry to hear you've been troubled by a heavy cold or flu last week. I hope you are pretty much recovered by now? Please take good care of yourself and continue the great progress you've made to date.

Mary - I have a thread in the long term support section, the likely reason you've not seen it. Of course I would love to see you there, and would feel very privileged, but please do not feel obliged. Sorry to hear you have just come out the other side of a down patch. Hope things have greatly improved for you.

Amanda 💜🌹

[Tams20]

Hello everyone,

I hope you are all well? (Amanda, apologies I haven’t checked your thread yet to see how you are travelling)

I’m struggling. I had a weekend away with my soccer team (including the ‘on again/off again’ friend that I’ve been whinging about on this thread for so long) and it was great. We all drank too much, ate too much, laughed too much... I didn’t want to go on the trip because I’d been feeling bad in the lead up but I went anyway. And I was glad I did.

The problem is that over the weekend another friend of mine was seeking support from me about a problem she is having with a crush she has developed on another woman that she’s recently become friends with (my friend is married with 2 young children, the other woman is a lesbian). She leaned pretty heavily on me over the weekend, I talked it through with her (having been in a similar situation myself) and there were some very long conversations that extended into messaging yesterday and today.

It has triggered me. Because I can relate to her feelings. And I shared some info about myself, including similar feeling in the past for my ‘on again/off again’ friend (who is also a friend of hers - bit awkward). It brought it all flooding back. Opened the old wound and rubber some salt into it. I also got some bad news about the project I’ve been working on and now feel really sad and hopeless about my life. I’d worked so hard to get myself to a good place, to get over my fixation with my friend, and now I feel like I’ve been set back 3 months. I had to tell her that I couldn’t talk about it for a bit because it was upsetting me. Now I feel bad for not continuing to support her.

I’m so annoyed with this setback, I don’t want to go through all of that again and I can feel it coming. I’m tempted to call my psychiatrist tomorrow to speak to her, think my meds might need an increase. I’m still getting unhelpful ups and downs (I’m BP2) and I’m so confused about what is happening with myself - what is due to the BP2 and what is due to my own shortcomings.

Anyway... off to bed to try to get some sleep... hopefully tomorrow will be a better day...

Tams

[Croix]

Dear Tams~

You are learning, it is as simple as that.

You have a generous spirit and helping your friend is great. I'm sure she would have been comforted you were there to talk to her, had similar experience, and wanted to help. She would have benfited from your presence and advice.

If any sort of friend she would easily understand when those conversations brought things back. It happens and is upsetting and unpleasant -this time. Next time I'd expect it will be less.

Like many when answering people here on the Forum I've had to learn from experience what is too close to my past. I've made mistakes and been triggered as a result. Not often nowadays as I've leaned my limits - or I hope I have anyway. We all have limits, you included.

It is not going to be so bad this time, and you will be more capable as a result. Frankly I don't think you have 'shortcomings', a horrible judgmental attitude. You simply, like most of us here, have a condition that needs monitoring and treatment.

It might well be the right thing to do, talking matters over with your psych, meds do need adjusting depending on circumstances.

Despite all that I'm glad to hear from you and how you are going

Croix

[Tams20]

Hi Croix,

Good to hear from you again. I’m still struggling, as you say I need to learn my limits and learn to avoid being triggered. I’ve got a bad habit of seeking out the main thing that triggers me and it needs to stop.

Called my psychiatrist today and she’s upped my meds. She also said we’d discuss getting me a psychologist at my next visit. So I can learn some coping strategies. Because I don’t have any, all I have is medication.

I hope you are well 😊

Tams

[Croix]

Dear Tams

Your psychiatrist sounds sensible and someone who specializes in coping strategies sounds very useful. I find sometimes it is more a problem of not realizing I'm already gone too far that is the problem, I guess that comes with experience. You have only been properly diagnosed quite recently and dealing with the illness like anything else takes practice.

You did not kick straight (or dribbled) when first you ventured on the soccer field.

In the same way I might not recognize a tricky situation until I'm up to my neck in (metaphorical) alligators it can be hard to realize when one has avoided similar- in other words a victory. These are imortant, patting oneself on the back is very beneficial so I try to look for these occasions too -a balance. Helps confidence and self-esteem

Croix

[Tams20]

Hi Croix,

Yes I'm looking forward to talking with a psychologist, hopefully regular visits to I can discuss some specific problems that I have that are affecting my wellbeing. Perhaps they will be able to talk some sense into me, because I'm not having much luck myself.

Tams

[Tams20]

Was just rereading this thread and it was like a smack in the face, the turmoil, the ups and downs, the anguish... I’ve had a lot happen in the last few months...

I have been quite stable with my BP2 for a while now, my meds seem to be at a good level.. I still feel ups and downs but not as severe as before and the meds haven’t slowed me down.

I had something happen with the friend that I had all of the issues with. I’m not sure whether I ever really admitted (although it was certainly implied) but over the past couple of years I have developed strong feelings for her. I had suspected that she felt the same way but she was so inconsistent with her behaviour I could never tell for sure...anyway a few months ago we went out for drinks. It had been a while since we’d had caught up just the two of us (I call them ‘date nights’, covert catch-ups that we used to have quite often). It was a good night overall but we argued a bit too. It had become apparent that we were getting jealous of our other friendships and the arguing was around this. Jealousy.

As we were leaving the bar we had a nasty exchange and she said she’d had enough, that she couldn’t be friends with me any more. I got upset and apologised, said that I didn’t want to lose her as a friend. She immediately softened and said she didn’t want to lose me either. Then asked me what was going on, whether I had anything I wanted to say. I said no. Then she said ‘I think we need to talk about the elephant in the room’. I said ‘for me?’ She said ‘for both of us’... I couldn’t believe it to be honest!

I asked her what she thought about us and she said ‘I cant’. I said ‘could be fun?’ And she said ‘no, I really can’t’. There was a bit more conversation like that and then we hugged and she said ‘ummm I think I need to leave right now!’ pulled away and ran off. I said ‘oh wow!’ and she laughed.

What then happened was a disaster. Messaging that would have confused (and probably hurt) her. She didn’t deny her feelings but she confused me. She wouldn’t talk about it. She shut me out and I didn’t take it well.

In the past month I’ve steadied the ship. I’ve backed away and our friendship is recovering well. I’ve struggled and still do sometimes. It’s been so hard to navigate, she’s been so closed off. I can see why, she’s not in a position financially to do anything. She needs to stay with her husband. She can’t get hung up on thoughts of us being together. I can understand. But it is so hard to accept. And sad.