Thoughts of suicide when not ‘suicidal’?

[Tams20]

I’ve been struggling with depression lately and have been experiencing some very dark moods. I haven’t missed a day of work or caring for my family, even though I barely hold it together some days and my weekends are usually spent recovering. I’ve been on SSRIs for a few months that I feel aren’t working that well and have also scheduled a review with my GP this week. Am also going to ask for counselling just so that I can talk to someone about my issues, as I am not one for burdening friends and family with my problems.

Just recently I have started fantasising about a particular method of suicide. Quite graphic thoughts and planning (I won’t go into detail) that has gotten me so concerned that I now take steps so that I physically couldn’t do it. I don’t actually believe that I could do it, I don’t actually think that I am suicidal, but on some days I feel quite reckless about it, almost as if I’m daring myself to do it. I almost enjoy the thought of it. After the urge has passed I think if my kids and I feel like the worst person in the world.

Is this a common thing for when you’re depressed? Is it perhaps related to the medication?

Thanks.

[White_Rose]

Dear Tams

Yes you tried but I would not count it a failure. Just trying makes you a winner. And of course you never know when trying leads to success and you experience a great feeling of joy. These are the events worth remembering. Keep your mind (as much as possible) on those things that have turned out well. A nod to the others because you did truly try.

If your comments about your friend not listening to you or not allowing you equal air-time are correct I doubt she will have much to say to anyone. It's very likely she forgot most of it because in the end it wasn't important to her. Sad but true. Keep chatting to her, as you say on a casual basis, and you will become more comfortable.

Getting close to someone is very nice but take your time. I have made friends with people since I left my husband and moved to my current home, 18 years ago. It's been interesting to recognise the various pathways that have led to friendship. Some come and go but there is a core group I count myself fortunate to know

Gosh, a member of a soccer team. I didn't have that amount of energy even when I was young, though come to think of it I did play squash.

Mary

[Tams20]

Hi Mary and Amanda,

Thanks for your replies. Mary, I think you are right about my issues not being important to my friend, I can’t remember the last time she even asked me how I am. Not interested in my wellbeing at all. So I doubt she even remembers what we discussed.

I’m away for work again and feeling terrible. Early flight, big day, dinner by myself in a strange city, bored in my hotel room, missing my kids. Sad. Am trying to stay off Facebook at the moment because I don’t want to see what anyone is doing. I don’t care. I’m not going to soccer training this week and I’ve dropped out of the game on Sunday. I don’t want to see my ‘friend’, I don’t want to see anyone but my family. Need to regroup, gather my thoughts and keep things simple.

I’m so tired, time for bed... hope you are both doing OK

Tams

[White_Rose]

Hello Tams

I do not do well away from home. It's usually OK during the day because I have a job to do, but evening can be very lonely. It sounds interesting until you actually do it. Do you plan much before you go away? I wonder if you can take something to do with you. For me it was usually a book though these days I find it hard to concentrate for long. Also those magazines that have lots of puzzles.

Good idea to stay away from FB. No matter what is going on in someone's life they always inform everyone on FB how happy they are and doing lots of good things. Does anyone ever talk about being sad or upset at times?

There are times when being with family is far more important than going to outside activities. Do your children go to soccer matches with you and cheer you on? It's always good when children see mom has other interest, skills and abilities in her life. Plus of course they get proud when your team wins.

Good you are staying at home to regroup with your family. I found it hard if I missed going to different activities because my children needed me or I was tired etc. And of course always had an attack of the guilts. I wonder why we put ourselves through this pain when everyone else simply accepts we are not available on occasions.

I hope you will be home soon.

Mary

[Tams20]

I’m back again. Have mostly been good, all things considered. A few struggles... still working away 3 days a week and working from home for the remainder, so I feel quite isolated from my work colleagues. And my on-again, off-again friend seems to have cut me off now, for no reason. I need to go with it this time, instead of crawling back to her again like I always do, at the expense of my own self-respect. Chasing this friendship makes me feel like I’m doing something wrong. Like I’ve upset her. Said something wrong. Am a bad friend. Am somehow flawed and incapable of sustaining a friendship. In reality the likelihood of her actually sparing a thought for me would be close to zero. The fact that I keep chasing her makes me feel desperate and stupid. Why would I spend so much time and energy on someone who makes me feel bad about myself? I don’t know.... She did help me get through a tough time, no idea how we could get through all of that and stay friends, then she cuts me off when I’m feeling quite well. Is the problem with me, or with her?

I just don’t understand.... I clearly don’t understand people at all. I thought I did, but she makes me doubt myself. Have been desperately trying to ignore my inner critic and keep my overthinking at bay, focus on the positives, not dwell on the negatives, and this keeps derailing me. Every single time.

Hope everyone else is well.

Tams

[Croix]

'Dear Tams~

It's nice to hear from you and I'm glad things have "mostly been good". You sound pretty busy with 3 days at work plus working at home too. I find having two activities works out well, the one tends to counteract hassles with the other. Do you find that?

I'm sorry that relationship is causing so may hassles for you. I've found friendship does have to be between equals, and chasing it either makes me feel taken advantage of or of little worth, either being an unhelpful sort of deal.

It is easy to assume if things don't work out it is some sort of personal failing. I'm sure there are people that have to 'be in command' or 'feel superior' and are only comfortable when giving help, not when being an equal. Does that make any sort of sense?

I expect you are wise in just letting things be. I'd think that if after this length of time an easy relationship with this person has not been established it might never be.

Croix

[Tams20]

Hello Croix,

Great to hear from you again, always such good advice... this thread must be like Groundhog Day for you... I feel as if you (and the others) have been ever so gently and respectfully steering me down this path for quite some time, yet I’ve been stubbornly resisting your advice. Now you know how my parents feel - 42 years and I still ‘can’t be told’. I appreciate your patience.

But how could anyone not like me? How could anyone resist my charms? Why would anyone not want to be friends with me? Ah the ego... I’ve only ever been rejected like this once before, a long time ago, and with far better reasons than this, and it still hurts me to this day. I don’t recover well from these things. I suspect that she also realises that our friendship isn’t good for either of us, or our families... the potential is there, but we just can’t make it work.

So my coping strategy is to prioritise family time, work on my relationship with my husband (quite good at the moment) and my kids. And to nurture the healthy friendships that I have. Still feeling sad though.

Tams

[Croix]

Dear Tams~

Everybody has ups and downs. I'm really pleased your family relationships are better, and think your resolve to give them your attention can only be good.

Can I suggest that you try to feel sad for your ex-friend and the opportunity she has lost? Rather than having destructive regrets.

Croix

[White_Rose]

Hello Tams

Good to see you again. I replied to you last night but the system was playing up and my post got lost. Fingers crossed this time.

But how could anyone not like me? How could anyone resist my charms? Why would anyone not want to be friends with me? Ah the ego... Love this line. We want to be friends with you and we like you very much. Might give the charms a miss though. 😅

Cutting our losses at times can be painful. The desire to continue in a relationship of any kind where you have gained some relief in the past can be hard to walk away from. It seems strange but we can also feel the same about a relationship which has hurt or harmed us. Not at all sure why this is but probably not a clever thing to do. In my opinion your ex-friend comes into the category of people who like a friend they can 'help', to tell them what to do and generally criticise. Once you do not pay attention to this they walk away having made you feel bad.

Chasing this friendship makes me feel like I’m doing something wrong. Like I’ve upset her. Said something wrong. Am a bad friend. Am somehow flawed and incapable of sustaining a friendship. In reality the likelihood of her actually sparing a thought for me would be close to zero. The fact that I keep chasing her makes me feel desperate and stupid. Yes indeed and it's also likely she has no idea what she is doing. These people will argue that they are just being honest with you, helping you make decisions when you cannot decide etc. Let her go and take Croix advice, feel sorry for her.

It shows the extent of your dependency on her when you still want to go back to a toxic friendship. You can make other friends and you do have friends. Treat them as friends who like to be treated well and as you want to be treated.

May I suggest that instead of focussing on the positives or negatives which is very hard work, think about what you are doing in the present moment. Even the mundane things in life. When you prepare a meal concentrate on what you are doing. Not because you cannot prepare a meal but to give yourself a focus. When I am stitching etc I do this. Paying attention to what you are doing instead of part of your mind going elsewhere is a huge change which will become easier as you practice. A friend of mine told the story of washing up in this manner and how he felt afterwards.A minor incident but a result that left him feeling OK.

Yes a smaller issue but a process that works.

Mary

[Tams20]

Hello Mary,

Nice to chat with you again 😊. Thanks for your sage advice, I agree with what you are saying. But I also need to own up to the fact that I haven’t been perfectly behaved in the friendship - if my friend was reading this thread she would be outraged at the way that I am portraying myself. So I need to come clean. I could probably be accused of trying to ‘fix’ her, of giving advice that may not be wanted... She may also consider the friendship to be toxic, I have certainly upset her a couple of times and said some hurtful things. I do own that though, both with myself and to her - I’ve never made excuses for my behaviour. I thought we’d gotten through all of that, which is why I’m perplexed.

I will try to stay away but I can’t guarantee that I will have the strength... a mutual friend of ours said to me earlier today ‘I think if you could both gain control of your issues you could be great friends, but it’s my impression that xxxx’s issues are deep set and old wounds that arent necessarily being addressed’. She can see the connection that we have, but also knows enough about both of us to tell me that she’s not a good option as a friend for me. I’m still struggling with that last part. Because the connection is there. But not all the time. I don’t have that connection with many people, pity the other aspects aren’t working that well for us.

I agree about using the distraction of thinking about completing small tasks to keep my mind from wandering off. I do use this trick sometimes. I was very upset and alone in my hotel room the other night (am unfortunately still travelling for work) and I made myself busy tidying my things, ironed of couple of items (hate ironing) etc. It helped me to calm down.

Thanks again to you (and Croix) for your reply 🤗

Tams

[Croix]

Dear Tams~

When I was talking about unequal friendship I had at the back of my mind I might not have been talking just about your friend:)

As Mary says some friendships, even when going astray, seem to attract us, a bit like moths and light perhaps. Maybe it partly that it is very hard to admit that it is not working and likely won't, at least in the current circumstances.

Looking at my life I probably equate your "connection wiht people" with my idea of firm friendship. I have to say it is rare.

I could make a minor suggestion? If you do happen interact with this friend try to keep things light - I'm sure you know this already - so that after time together you can look back and see no heavy subjects at all. Restful for both of you. You each may find you like the other better in a more frivolous role.

Ironing is OK, you get to see progress and a finished product, plus it is a sort of mindless activity that can lull the brain into thinking just of smoothing wrinkles (and not scorching:) if you try.

Croix (the laundry walrus)