Thinking about death.... all the time...

[Guest_1643]

Hi all

I've been struggling for 3 weeks with suicidal thoughts

My new GP is amazing

He tells me to think of suicidal thoughts as a symptom maybe a solution

Could he be right?

Today he assigned someone to give me a call to check in on my safety. I don't think that will happen. I've not received the call.
Small things like this lead to rage, hurt and fear for me.

And so I am left to deal with the thoughts alone.

[ecomama]

Dear me Sleepy, that's yucky having a pinnerkety person leaving notes under people's doors!
How invasive.

What is she?
The noise police?

At least she's not singling you out, she's a nuisance to the general population lol.

It can do your head in a bit.
My next door neighbour was awful to me after we got demon out. He did some bad things, for a LONG time. I'm sure his wife would be horrified.
It was doing my head in.
Eventually I saw him in his front garden one day when I was home.
I got my cuppa & phone.
I sat in a chair near the fence and pretended to phone the Council hahaha!
I had an entire make believe conversation with a Council person telling me ALL the fines he could be charged with for breaking laws.

Hmmmm not a peep since. Funny that!

Maybe the LOUD convo you could have involves the need for that neighbour to invest in noise cancelling headphones OR move to the country lol.

Some people....

So you have a pretty "nebulous" diagnosis?
I have NO idea what to do with those but seek out alternative therapies, difficult.

Perhaps no one's mentioned PTSD or C-PTSD because they don't know alot more of what's occurred?
What do you think?

I didn't believe the Head Psych at my Counsellor's office for years about C-PTSD diagnosis for me. I was in total denial thinking whatever it was would just go away once the Court stuff was done & we were all safe.
But it didn't.
In fact it got "worse".
Alexa said "That's why it's called POST , because it can appear months AFTER the event", when you're physically safe but don't feel it at all.
Then last year every Phone Helpline Psych I called said things like "How could you NOT have PTSD?" argh! I kept phoning another one in hopes I'd get a different response but no, I didn't.

So it was time to "face the music" for me.

My friend down South, L seemed to want to argue the point with me last night about my OWN MH lol... I wouldn't bite.
C-PTSD might be a lifelong affliction BUT the effects of it hindering or negatively impacting my life don't have to be. She disagreed entirely, saying I'd be sick with it forever.
Ok! But I'm ok actually, working full time, parenting all the kids, marrying my leaf blower lol.

She said she was ok then within 10 mins was crying her eyes out to me. It helped I could talk to my Psych friend after that convo. She could make more sense of Ls emotions about stuff for me.

Wow so what are you up to now?

I like the idea of a coffee in the park, sounds relaxing.
Love EMxxxx

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

Hi Sleepy

Will you have an opportunity to discuss your diagnosis with your psych again soon? Maybe you can ask the questions you’ve put in your post? I think they’re quite valid questions.

How are you today anyway? Have you been able to get out to the park you like? Or perhaps try the new one you mentioned? It’s freezing here but at least not raining today, so Stormy got a short walk. My pets are all begging for dinner now and it’s only early still, so I think it’s the cold weather.

I agree with you and EM about your neighbour! I wouldn’t like notes under the door. It’s terribly invasive. I hope you don’t let it put you off feeling like you belong there - it’s your space too. Pinnerkety made me laugh. Maybe if you see her you can think “pinnerkety woman” and just giggle to yourself. You don’t need her drama.

Sending hugs, Katy

[Guest_1643]

hi Em lol what an idea!!!!!!!!!

i saw her in the communal courtyard and she said hello and i walked away, i'm upset at her!!!

The note also said "Hi neighbour" (as did all her previous notes)..... I mean, I do have a name. And then it said, from XYZ, apt AB. I Know where she lives lol i have seen her a million times as we have been locked down together here for a long time!!!!!

I dont know that amazing word but need to look it up. Anxieties trough the roof atm.....ive been doing facemasks with manuka honey.... It is freezing here tonight but we got some sun today at least xx

[Guest_1643]

Hi Katy, how was Grow Group?? Hope everything is going well with uni and that ur cats are snuggling and having a good winter lol

I think I am quite bothered by feeling baffled by my diagnosis, like unsure what it means, it has triggered a lot of thoughts about how I got it (the life experiences that led to it), why, and when i really manifested some of the traits. Also a bit bamboozled because the doctor doesn't know that much about me, and all my hidden traumas are sort of coming up. Some are easier to talk about then others. sorry for rambling on but thank u for encouraging me and taking the time to validate where i'm at. I would like to shre with him.

Im doing pretty good today, i spent a lot of time outside, haven't gone to the new park yet but was walking around the block and bought some epsom salts which was a little treat for me. It was really sunny and calm.

I hvae to google that work but maybe it will add a touch of humour to my neighbour situation. Not sure if you're still watching Atypical Katy but I see some new episodes are out. There is a show called Sex Education that looks good that I might wtach at some point. Good to have some new stuff on netflix during lockdown. Trying to mix it up between reading, tv, movies and excercise. Its pretty repetitive but we're getting there

[Jstar49]

Hi sleepy,

I haven’t been around much but have just finished a little catch up with your thread ..... So much I can relate to! With my psych I got very put off when she couldn’t remember basic facts about my family stuff- I mean, don’t they have notes they read before appts??

On the other hand I try to be understanding becos I’m always mixing ppl up and getting facts wrong. Maybe I’d be a terrible counsellor!

I do think that the most valuable thing a counsellor/ shrink can do is to really listen and be present with how you’re feeling now about events, and a bit about how you felt then. My C would work mostly with emotions, which suited me, and I was able to let go of a lot of stuck emotion/energy with her.
For me, that is what gets me hung up. I suppose it’s the thoughts I have which cause the feelings, so eventually, tracking those thoughts is really good. But initially I usually just like to get into the feelings.
for me, feelings have been the area where I become confused, and often don’t allow myself to FEEL what I’m feeling. Which is crazy actually, hey, cos I mean, we feel stuff, it’s very basic. When ppl treat us nice, we can feel good, and when they treat us badly, we can feel crap.

Then we usually think thoughts, and that’s what I’ve learnt to watch for. The nasty little beliefs hiding under our feelings, which bring us down.

Anyway, I hope that today you’re able to listen to some really lovely thoughts, and can enjoy your cosy fire- is that new?! And of course, feel those feelings dear Sleepy. And know that we are here for you.
It must suck having lockdown again, so challenging atm.
Have you got any crayons Sleepy? Crayons are awesome for emotional release work. It can be like entering a child space, less thinking and more expressing, thru music and drawing and scribbling. Big pages are good.
But maybe it just really suits me. Different things work for different ppl. And it’s only really now, looking back, that I can see what worked well for me and what I return to in times of need. Dancing, drawing/ painting, creating, eating good food.
Life has been busy for me lately so music has been esp good.
talk soon,

J*

[golden82]

Hi J* - and obviously Hi Sleepy and all reading,

YES! Crayons are awesome. I used to only buy colour pencils for colouring books.. but bought myself some crayons at KMart a few weeks ago and they are so much better to use for where I am at mentally/emotionally at the moment I find. Maybe it is that inner child J*. I find I get easily agitated to sit still and colour in with pencils, and therefore sit for a few minutes and walk away. But with the crayons I just scribble anywhere and appreciate the flow of it all more. Definitely would recommend.

Also agree with others re psychs not remembering major stuff. That is a huge turn off for me. I have had that in the past too - and I might be harsh, but I have no tolerance for it. If I am invested in them - I expect the bare minimum back. I don't expect them to remember minute details etc but pivotal things - yes. And it fractures the relationship I have with them. I no longer see psychs. I believe community workers and cousellors can help too and have found them to be more down to earth and invested in my story and my healing. But that is my experience only.

Hope everyone is doing okay 🙂

[Guest_1643]

hi all 🙂

so nice and warm welcome golden, thank u

major turn off for sure. My psych has referred me ( in addition to seeing him ) to be case managed at the public hospital, where i'll hopefully get a worker, social worker or mental health nurse. I hope that goes well. It's been a relatively quick process so far (i'm alreayd booked in and he sent the referral a week ago) so that is good.

I'm too attached to the psych and don't want to end things with him because I need someone who has admitting rights to the hospital, and can fight for me to get in to other community services, which, without him, i feel like i just sit on waiting lists and get nowhere. i also find him sweet most of the time. But forgetting like which patient i am is off.

And i love that he assumed I had gastro an embarrassing and intense situation for me, which didn't even apply to me.... not a great slip-up on his part.

in the future perhaps i'll see him less frequently, and have someone else as a counsellor.
THe last person I saw before him did the same thing. She was a social worker.

second session she told me that I might benefit from going on an eating disorder Mental health care plan. I organised it with my GP, was approved and she from then on procesed my sessions using the ED MHCP, ( a different item number) and that entitled me to more subsidised sessions.

Then, again after seeing her on this plan for maybe 8 sessions, when I told her more about my eating disorder, she goes "You know, you may benefit from going on an eating disorder MHCP..."

I quit therapy after that. I found it all super super forgetful, but now I just feel like they are all like this.

It's offensive, really, their one job is to remember. Their one job. The other stuff is all secondary.

[Guest_1643]

hi all

i must admit i've never used crayons

i like the idea of getting back to very childhood modes... i do hat a bit through watching kids-ish movies (of feel-good, fluff ones, that would be suitable for kids). It's good for healing. Crayons sound so fun

The stuff about feelings is so basic and so often neglected. SOmetimes, the health practitioners i've seen have been so robotic and cold it sent chills down my body.

I feel quite abused by my practitioner i saw last year, who was like this.

I like when they can discuss feelings, because as j u said so well, it helps to be able to acknowledge just feeling good or bad. And it isn't always easy!

like many ppl here, my family are incompetent and abusive, and i haven't spoken to them for a year. I feel a bit upset that they have done so much damage and especailly durng lockdown it bites. I haven't met so many new friends in my area either. Making friends during lockdown has been very slow. I have reconnected with old friends which has been great. I wish ppl reached out more but it is a messy space there.... some just don't get it.

my neighbour yesterday (not the one with the notes lol) sent me a message to offer to exchange books and movies and to see if i'm okay. It was really nice. She is really nice.

[golden82]

hi Sleepy,

thanks for the warm welcome 🙂 Just wanted to pop in and say hi. I read somewhere you feel your posts get ignored or something like that (sorry not sure if/where I read that on the forums). I just wanted to say I am sorry you feel that way. I don't think it is probably the case, but I understand how you feel. Sometimes the forums go quiet and then other times so busy to keep up with following it all. It seems pretty quiet at the moment - I think Covid has everyone exhausted. I know it has for me. Your posts are always helpful and I'm sure heaps of others would agree.

I agree with you re weekends being especially hard - especially in lockdowns. It seems as though everyone bunkers down with family, or close bubble friend/s. And when you don't have this it is a really lonely and drawn out length of time. And not much support available (if any). You are not alone in that, so thanks for sharing your feelings - it helps.

Definitely would give crayons a try. And as J* says even better on some big paper and just sketch or scribble to your hearts content. Glad to hear you have some supports you are connecting with, I understand what you mean re access to hospital and the like. I go to an ED clinic even though my ED not really getting any better - but I feel comfort in knowing that if it flares up really bad again then at least I am still in the system. So I get what you mean and I think it is sensible of you.

I've had a pretty terrible week with lockdowns - but then today omg went to do a shop so went to my car and some a/hole has keyed my car. I think it happened in the last week due to lockdowns my car just sitting there and some scumbag has vandalized it! Ppl just keep getting worse and worse. I just cannot relate nor deal with most ppl.

I hope you have a better day tomorrow now that the weekend is over. A day with a warm drink and sitting out with the trees. Hugs Sleepy 🙂

[Guest_1643]

Hi Golden,

thanks for your post.. i agree sometimes its just the forums being quiet over the weekend. For me its kinda opposite, the weekends are long and more difficult. I find it easier to keep busy during the week.
I really hope you are okay after that horrible disgusting person did that to your car, vandalism is so low and disgusting. That sucks....
Thanks for understanding re keeping in the system. Its been much better since i have the psych because things move quicker and i feel like less of a number. If I am hospitalised he will visit me there, i was always a bit sad that I didnt have a case manager to come visit, like other patients. Lol i mean they're not friends or family, but hey, a visitor is a visitor. You get to interact with someone who is not from within the hospital itself and who comes as your advocate.

I'm sorry your ed isnt getting better. sometimes stuff is stangnat and its so hard. a lot of work goes into stayng well. i guess we take the little wins.