Thinking about death.... all the time...

[Guest_1643]

Hi all

I've been struggling for 3 weeks with suicidal thoughts

My new GP is amazing

He tells me to think of suicidal thoughts as a symptom maybe a solution

Could he be right?

Today he assigned someone to give me a call to check in on my safety. I don't think that will happen. I've not received the call.
Small things like this lead to rage, hurt and fear for me.

And so I am left to deal with the thoughts alone.

[Guest_1643]

hi all

what a wild week, kinda glad it's nearing its end but have been, i guess, trying my best. the forums have felt pretty quiet, hope everyone is feeling okay? These times are a lot, with lockdowns, sending love to those who are in it again. so unpredictable and frustrating.
i saw my gp today, he was pretty rushed and it was a light style check in. its difficult here managing the little things, piling one upon the other. when little things go wrong these days i get really sensitive and upset.

even today at the post office the service person gave me attitude and i just wanted to cry. my bubble is so small. then i mentally think i wont go back there, because i dontwant to deal with difficult ppl. So mostly by little bubble is friendly ppl i've chosen, but its getting tinier and tinier.

i really want to move soon and hope i can put that in action soon, but its been a lot lately managing my CASA support and dealing with all the traumas of the last few years. THey are hitting me HARD and a lot of this stuff happened around this time in 2019, so the winter really takes me back. Thats okay. The triggers come, and its okay. I just keep up my self care and try and take one day at a time (CASA tip).

They are quite caring, i have to say. They also have a crises line if anyone needs at any point, I'm not sure if its Victoria online, but it is 24 hours crises for issues related to sexual assault. Sending love to all.

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

Hi Sleepy

I’m having a bit of a blergh week too. Haven’t spent much time out of bed, same as last week. You’re right, the forums do seem quiet lately.

I find when I’m not in a good mental space that things are a lot more challenging- is it the same with you? Like, I’ve gotten a lot better at going places that I had trouble managing before, but yesterday I almost had a meltdown just sitting in the GP waiting room. I wished they had a “really can’t deal with people right now” private room to retreat to.

It sounds like you’re putting some good work in with your new group, even though it sounds pretty challenging too. You inspire me a lot with how proactive you are. I read something today that said when we’re putting the work in it can feel like we’re going backwards. It makes sense. So I’m glad you’re practicing self care, and maybe it’s ok if you keep your bubble small for now while you work through the hard stuff? Just not too small that it’s just you and four walls.

Well back to Netflix I go. What’s that old saying? You’ll get square eyes? lol

Hugs, Katy

[Matchy69]

Hi sleepy just popped in to say hi and see how you were doing.I didn't have a real good night last night with not much sleep and my cat wasn't happy for some reason which was worrying me.She is fast asleep on my bed now snoring.It is a nice wet day here with the beautiful soothing sound of rain on the roof.

Take care,

Mark.

[Guest_1643]

hi Katy,

sorry to read on ur thread ur having a hard time, hang in there.

so ive been going to a support group for about a year, its really good, and i also get free counselling from an org called CASA house which is Victoria based. The counselling from CASA got off to a rocky start but overall it's been very beneficial and cool to spea to ppl who are truma informed. I'm starting to see how different therapy is with someone who is trauma informed.

We're locked down again, ho-hum, again the same as last time... we can't leave our homes without a reason etc etc etc. that will likely effect my support group 😞 What a bummer.

[Guest_1643]

hey mark , how re u doing? i'm glad ur cats feeling better, hope s/he is curled up by the fire

Hi Katy happy to read ur uni stuff got some answer before the weekend. good on u 🙂

I loved what u wrote about it feeling like its going backwards, that's so so true, i like whoever said that 🙂

hope u enjoy ur book over the weekend.

my support group is indeed cancelled but we may have an online option, though i'm yet to hear back. it's something though. I realised I dont love online/telehealth appts unless its with someone i already know and trust, which in this case it is, so should be okay.

I saw my psychiatrist yesterday, he is so nice to me and i am so suspicious because he is male, a dr,, and well, just in a postion of power and authoirty. He explained to me about the diagnosis he believes i have and also how in diff countries in the world they understand diagnoses differently, but there is this move to make an international standard of diagnoses, and there's somewhere online where u cn find this and see it. I wanted to write it down t the time, but didnt. I only understand half of whta he says, that I come back home confused.

i feel i was too emotional in the session and am beating myself up, i like to write down notes before and refer to it but today i had no energy and i left feeling like i missed some things. i sometimes don't know how to use therapy.

He also started the session and said "You had gastro last week, didn't you?" - (because I missed last session, due to being so down and unable to come).

And I said "um... no... who said that?" He said he was confusing me with another patient or somtehing which I don't know, what is that? I didn't have gastro, now or ever really and does he remember which patient he's seeing?

I got offended, then he got offended as I said it a few times, why did you think that?

then we moved on, had a session, and he said he will contact me likely during the week to update me on some stuff he's organising for my inpatient stay. So that was nice and means I don't necessarily have to wait til next week coz he'll follow up.

He was also wearing colorful socks which seems to be a trend with doctors. I think they even have a crazy sock day. What is it with medical professionals and socks.

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

Hi Sleepy

Sorry to hear you’re in lockdown again, that must be hard. I really feel for you. Fingers crossed your support group can move online. Fingers also crossed that lockdown is short lived. I’ve stopped watching the news so I’m not up with what’s going on. Seemed a mess and I gave up on it.

Sounds like you have mixed feelings about the session with your psychiatrist, which sounds reasonable. Is this someone you’ll be seeing regularly? I’ve only ever seen a psychiatrist once and I was trialing a new medication and high as a kite. Was a weird experience. I do love my psychologist though, and I’ve always appreciated the fact she remembers details about me and the names of the people in my life. I wouldn’t pleased if I was mistaken for another patient. Not at all. Good on you for questioning it.

Well it’s freezing here today. I walked Stormy but couldn’t wait to come home and climb back in bed. How is it where you are? I presume you’re allowed out to exercise, yeah?

Sending kind thoughts. Go easy on yourself x

[Guest_1643]

hi katy - how are u?? lovely to read that u had a long chat with ur son this weekend, although i know what u mean sometimes the loneliness is there regardless. but sounded nice to have those lovely check ins.

Lol those psychiatrists.... i know what u mean and hvae been prescribed meds by them as well. I do have mixed feelings and my, and any psychiatrist. The whole movement seems to be about telling ppl there's somethign wrong with them. I like him because he's cute, nice , warm, and i find him easy to talk to, whatever, not the usual i guess.

But there's always somethign unempowering, like that is a bit traumatic if he didn't realise and its not the first time he's confused me with another patient. It just reminds me how busy and overwhelmed nad worked they are and then i forget that i matter too, and am paying him.

i am so scared how much i put my life in the hands of these ppl. Sometimes i completely freak out that they have absolutely no idea what they're talking about, and that, without being grphic, it wont end super well for me. I feel like i'm at risk. So its like, i need him to be good, and is he?

he's given me a diagnosis.

[Guest_1643]

Hi all

Yup its my regular psychiatrist, who i see often, for psychotherapy. I may ditch him, or just see him every so often for check ins, and get another therapist, who isn't him, and the psych can manage all the crises stuff like hospital admissions etc. I like having a psychiatrist because they can get stuff doen, like help me get into hospitla if i am scared or at risk.
Ur right it is touching and helpful when they remember names and take that sensitive approach. Their only job in my eyes is to "bare witness" - to our truama - to be a pair of eyes and ears who help us see how things really are. And if they're only barely paying attention, like, what's the point, even?

I think it's got me a bit sad. I'm sitting by my fireplae and finding it enough to keep me okay for tody. I have a little carpet in front of it and its so nice to sit on the floor and be by the fire, up close. It's special.

I thought this lockdown would be okay, but the nerves are through the roof now. I have some relaly traumtic stuff going on atm and i want lockdown over. I want to breathe and move. I'm scared and it's all too much.

The lockdown combined with all that stress.

Thank u for validating my experiences, I appreciate that. My head is all mush.

[ecomama]

Dearest Sleepy

I read that you've been feeling some overwhelm with stuff going on outside your home and inside your mind.
I hope you can find some relief and peace very soon. Hugs!

How are you feeling about the diagnosis you've been given?
Is it helpful for you?

It's absolutely freezing here tonight.
On Friday I swear we had 6 seasons in one day. Waking up I could "smell Summer", it was so warm! Sunny calm... then it got grey and dark, then huge droplets of rain my Aunty said was melted hail (lol she's a Scientist)... then omg so freezing!

With this weather, I'm grateful we're all mostly at home.
You know how I love to put on MANY layers of clothing lol. I can wear as many as I want to at home! Nice and warm.
Yvette and the boys gave me some hand-me-up beanies and woollen caps to wear around.
I look like Ma Kettle hahaha.

Are you able to go out for walks atm?
I haven't, just gardening.

Will pop in again soon to check in with you,
Love always EMxxxx

[Guest_1643]

hi Em,

I find my diagnosis confusing and nonsensical and there's nothing I can reallydo with it. Doesn't benefit me and also I don't really undestand it, and dont' know how to. They tell us we have things, then what do we do with it?

Read books? understand ourselves? there are no books its a very general diagnosis. He said I've had repeated traumas but i wander which ones he thinks they are. He doesn't know half of it. Frustrting Thanks for ur warm wishes.
i go to the park a lot, get a chai and sit outside. The cofee shop I like is closed but you bet i'll be back there on monday in the park with my chai. I don't hvae a garden sadly, but a small communal courtyard.

My neihgbour has taken to writing notes under my door that I close my front door loud, and can i stop this, prior to this she sent notes to us all int he block to stop closing the gate too loud, to make sure to put all rubbish in our bins and other little things that "bug her"

My ptsd went a little nuts with this (notes under the door?!) and that really upset me, I just saw her in the communal space so now i'll just go to the park I think. Also i believe I probably did close the door loud because it is very very heavy and closes that way unless I physcally tap it with all my energy, its very hard, i try my best but she's given me now anxiety about it if it even makes a peep i'll get the letters again. I dont like receiving little letters from ppl