Thinking about death.... all the time...

[Guest_1643]

Hi all

I've been struggling for 3 weeks with suicidal thoughts

My new GP is amazing

He tells me to think of suicidal thoughts as a symptom maybe a solution

Could he be right?

Today he assigned someone to give me a call to check in on my safety. I don't think that will happen. I've not received the call.
Small things like this lead to rage, hurt and fear for me.

And so I am left to deal with the thoughts alone.

[Guest_1643]

Hi jacqui, I can relate to feeling hurt and judged by the notes. They leave u to push and seem suspicious by my interest to read them.

I've read them and they were silly

Ie I have a friend in her 60s, like a mentor. I'm a bit younger than that, and I must have said in the conversation I had a friend "more my mothers age".

So she wrote that I befriended a friend of my mothers. Madness.

She also put things in my own words that I never said.

I would be embarrassed to be that bad at my job.

[Guest_1643]

I have been feeling unsafe so I gave away something which was making me feel unsafe, I'm really proud.

[Guest_1055]

Hi Sleepy

Just interested is all. What is it your life that makes you feel unsafe?

[golden82]

That's a big deal Sleepy. Well done; you are right to feel proud. I'm also feeling less safe than my usual low safe anyway.. someone crossed some boundaries and has scared me. Really scared me; i was on helplines and not sleeping. Safety is huge for our peace so good for you 🙂

[Guest_1643]

Hi shelll,

Thinking about u and Ur mum, is she OK?

I have had thiuhhts like s ideation for a few days,

I think losing hospital support, like i feel like I want to use them for my recovery and get support, but they keep stuffing me around, makes things really hard. I don't feel cared about when they keep messing me around.

I feel lonely because I don't speak to my family, and I can't share easily with friends when I feel so down. I feel really triggered and have flashbacks from bad stuff that happened to me with a man, like 2 years ago, sometimes I think of him and feel unsafe again, and scared.

[Sophie_M]

Dear Sleepy21, 

We totally understand how losing hospital support must be so difficult for people who are feeling vulnerable and experiencing suicidal ideation. Unfortunately, parts of the health system are far from perfect. It all sounds really frustrating and upsetting.  Feeling lonely, down, scared, and unsafe all at the one time sounds overwhelming. Please know that you are cared for here. We know you don't feel comfortable talking to your in-person friends, but we're glad you're able to post here and share how you're feeling. We encourage you to continue to post in times of need. Please know that we, and our community, are around to listen to you and support you. 

[smallwolf]

Hi Sleepy21,

I echo the thoughts of Sophie_M.

One thing, if i might be able to ask.... You said that you are not able to able to talk to family and find it hard t talk to your friends. Is there anyone you feel safe talking to?

Do you think you might be able to write here? You probably do and miss it. Anyway ... listening if you want to chat about anything.

[Guest_1643]

Hi Golden, I had an instance yesterday where a man came up to my car and started screaming at me, and I had to drive to get away, I can relate and its very confronting when someone crosses boundaries. It has taken me a while to be Able to shake things off, and its really upsetting, I am sorry this person stepped over your boundaries and was so disgusting and awful.

Hope u are OK and safe.

I call helplines too, and I guess that's what they are there for....sending care.

[golden82]

Hi Sleepy, that sounds horrible for u. I'm sorry that he did that to u & if it made u feel unsafe. It was a male for me too. I don't know what is wrong with ppl getting up in our face and safe space like that. Our cars and homes and safe places. It creeps me out and makes me see that i think someone is safe when they are not. They are pretending all along. I am seeing a pattern of these types of ppl. It really is creepy. I hope u are okay now. Do u have ways to ground after that sort of thing? I have found the helplines are sick of me needing to call all the time. I know they are busy but i can tell i am burdensome. I hate feeling like that. So gotta find other ways to cope i guess. Ps thanks for your sensible posts always; i appreciate how rational and supportive u are across the forums even when things are tough for u 🙂

[Guest_1643]

Hi all

Update with the report, the psych told me she is inexperienced, never wrote a report before, made lots of mistakes and that she felt defensive when I bought them up, so she stigmatised me.

It was pretty gross, she said I was very detail oriented many times, like when I asked why she spelled my name wrong, called my brother the wrong name entirely and made up things I hadn't said,

Who isn't a little particular when a therapists distorts their history?