Thinking about death.... all the time...

[Guest_1643]

Hi all

I've been struggling for 3 weeks with suicidal thoughts

My new GP is amazing

He tells me to think of suicidal thoughts as a symptom maybe a solution

Could he be right?

Today he assigned someone to give me a call to check in on my safety. I don't think that will happen. I've not received the call.
Small things like this lead to rage, hurt and fear for me.

And so I am left to deal with the thoughts alone.

[Guest_1643]

lockdowns have been so blah , i find i get into a little routine for a little while then get bored of it,

or i get good at self-care, and then completely fall apart

its very day-by-day here in sleepy-world.

My Gp advised me to get started with some gardening or potplants and it is a bit fun

i have one beautiful plant, it was nearly dying but i have resuscitated it, which is a nice feeling. I also bought the plant from this sweet, positive person, who even said what good vibes i had, and how nice it was selling me the plant. I like that.

It's in a white kmart pot which was a few dollars.

My friends seem to be struggling a lot with lockdown too, in various ways. It seems like there are always new challenges. U just get usd to it and something worse happens.

I shared with a few ppl about my hatred of zooms and how i feel really frustrated that I can't quite do it because of body image issues. It was really embarrassing and confronting to share that. Really vulnerable. I know many ppl find zooms difficult, and i'm not th only one. For me I actually can't do it. It's painful and hurts.

But when i do it, it is worthwhile, because I do feel better, and more connected.

Off to watch a violent Netflix movie... not sure if I can get through the whole thing, but just wanted something totally random and unlike my normal shows to distract me completely.

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

Hi Sleepy

I have staaaaaaacks of pot plants, but I honestly can’t figure out how to make them happy, which frustrates me no end. So congrats on bringing yours back to life - that is quite an achievement!

Im sorry to read you’re still in lockdown. I honestly can’t imagine what that must be like. You know, I read that cosmetic surgery rates skyrocketed as a result of everyone getting on zoom. So you’re definitely not the only one uncomfortable with having to have their image reflected back at them. Also, zoom is really unflattering! What’s with that? Good on you for pushing through and connecting anyway.

Are you still able to get out to the park for your coffee? We’ve finally had a bit of sunshine here and just sitting and watching nature - the birds, bees, butterflies… has really been a highlight for me lately. I hope you’re able to do that too.

Im curious what you’ve found to watch on Netflix now. I’m too squirmy to watch violence. My eyes would be shut! I’ve just started watching a Danish series on SBS on Demand. Do you watch foreign stuff at all?

I adore that the plant lady recognised you had a good vibe. That’s the thing that draws me in. Not people’s “suitcases”. I’m all about the vibe 🙂

Hugs, Katy

[Guest_1643]

HI Katy, how are Ur pot plants going? It is frustrating when they die, watching them shrivel and lose their color!

what foreign films and series are u watching? Kate is the one I watched tonight. The story was oddly non triggering as it was kind of feminist with a female lead, but it was all about violence and gore. I think I just wanted a total u turn from my thoughts and feeling entangled with my own life. It was set in Tokyo.

That is helpful to know that the zoom anxiety is common...and I've read a bit about body dismorphia rising sadly. How do ppl cope? Any tips ... here for it,

I had a therapist gently pushing me to try overcome my zoom fears...I'm still embarrassed as I opened up in a group about it. That said, others opened up too but I really didn't play it safe and was quite open and honest in my experience .

Also in a bit of a Netflix rut, might try some other streaming platforms like sbs iview....

llockdwn is really gross....so mentally hard

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

Hi again

Yes, that’s exactly what happened to my syngoniums - they’ve shriveled up! They were lovely and pink, the leaves, and really delicate. So pretty! But not any more. Poor things!

Well I hope the movie helped. I’m not watching anything cheerful either lol. I’m addicted to dreary crime series, not sure why. Have you watched Rosehaven on iview? I don’t mind that for its light heartedness.

I imagine you being vulnerable allowed space for others to do the same. I think that’s really generous. It’s not an easy thing to do.

In regard to body dismorphia, I can say a few things. I actually did some research around it because I was going to do my thesis on it. If you’re interested, of course…

Firstly - there’s this bell curve related to age and body image. We’re ok with the way we look, then we experience this sharp decline in our 20’s and 30’s, then it’s a steep swing up again. So in our 40’s we start feeling pretty ok again. Generally speaking of course. That’s the trend.

second - social media is really rubbish for our self image cos we’re comparing ourselves to curated, filtered, snapshots of people’s “best selves”.

third - it’s been shown that people who read up on feminism have better body confidence. Anecdotally, it did wonders for me! But I’m also in my 40’s so there’s the bell curve at play.

So maybe there’s something helpful in there. Always happy to chat about it. I realise there are complexities around it for you, to do with your upbringing. But if any of it helps, I’m glad.

Right, cup of tea time 🙂 Hugs x

[Guest_1643]

Hi Katy -

thanks so much - fascinating stuff!! i love it

Do you feel that in ur 40s the body image improved??

Im in my 30s and it is not plesant at all!

Im wandering if those trends are different in diff parts of the world, or how they are affected by family, friends, privelege, etc? There seems to be crazy pressure on young women in western culture to look good, mostly in thir late 20s early 30s, when they are meant to be getting married...By "meant" i mean in the cruel pressure in our society! I think I still felt like a kid before 25, and less concerned with looks...More with being strong and fit, then lets say... looking good.

Femnism is an interesting tool to combat body dismorphia.. do u have any fave books or sources??

Social media is awful, and so is the whole concept of influencers, for body image. The standards are outrageous. It seems to me a bit much to insist that social media like instagram is all about the mesage, and promoting good ideas. It seems to me much more about the image itself than the small image below it or the caption.... it's mor about looking good. Funny also what body positivity has become on social media... a stick thin model acknowledging that she sometimes has stretch marks....

Argh.

Have you seen Jameela Jamil's movemnt - i-weigh? Interesting one!

Im sorry about your poor plant... it is hard to see them die. I get so invested in their "journey" lol

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

Hiya

Once I started reading about how women have been regarded throughout history, I started wanting to reclaim space. It changed my whole way of thinking about many things, including my physical appearance. Women have long been objectified by men, and now we have internalised that. We objectify ourselves and think we have to present a certain way to be acceptable. I reject that.

The first time I took back my power, I went to the beach unshaven. Strange that it felt like such a big thing, but we’re so conditioned right? To present a certain way. But the world didn’t implode. I had a nice time and even met a guy and had a nice convo with him.

Anyway, if it’s one thing I could go on about, this would be it! Lol

And yeah, you’re right about different societies, or influences, absolutely!

hmmm I’d love to recommend some reading but I read so much I don’t remember what I’ve read- mostly uni stuff. If I think of something I’ll share it.

You deserve to feel good about you. You, too, are a plant on a journey. You just need to be nourished right x

I haven’t heard of I-weigh. I’ll have to check it out!

[Guest_1643]

Hi Katy, I think that's a huge power move, going to the beach and being comfortable, I wander how much we as women miss out on by giving up our powers to beauty norms.

I do deserve to feel good and not unattractive or less than. The Image of the plant reminds me of our vulnerability, that we are also needy of love and care , and can't ignore that truth .

[ecomama]

Hi Sleepy, hey Katy, J* and everyone

This whole body image thing may take a long while to weed out of your sweet mind but it's well worth pursuing, the whole way you travel through your life being either happily or very unhappily will depend upon it.

I've walked that path in my own way and feel good about myself, even full of gratitude for my miraculous body.

I'm really comforted to hear that you're getting in to plants! lol you know I'd be happy about that.

Being a gardener teaches us resilience.
The longer we are gardeners, the more we learn this vital skill.

Yup we all lose plants and see them suffer, you're really showing some awesome instincts being able to REVIVE a plant lol! WOW, that's huge.
I try to do this with plants I collect from ppls curbside collection messes, gotta act FAST but so much fun and FREE lol.

Gardening has been my sanctuary and it's excellent for our mh by all accounts, I guess it can be a healthy addiction lol or obsession may be?

SO glad to hear you've finally got a good GP, it's difficult to find a good one!
I could see Yvette's GP giving me the "sly eye" even over her mask the other day and I was like erghhhh, whatevs.

Explaining having PTSD or being in a PTSD "episode" is almost impossible for another person to understand BUT if they really want to, and if we have our words about us after wards, then we stand half a chance at being able to communicate this.
It's up to the other person whether they're actually interested enough, I've found.

Then they can forget, so yeah.

In a way it's not really anyone else's problem, so I don't expect anyone to care 100% (lucky for that lol).

I hope the relationship with "Cheryl" can improve.
Have you felt comfortable enough to bring any stuff up with her? You don't need to of course.
I'm just hoping this support worker can meet you where you are, she won't know "where you are" if she doesn't know or realise.

We can pass off appearing "ok" so well some times!
More concerned about the other person.

But this person is working for YOU. Or supposed to be.

Hugs
Love EMxxxx

[Guest_1055]

Hi dear Sleepy, just want to let you know I hear you. I read what you wrote on the other thread... Hugs if you would accept one.

I don't know about this for sure, but sometimes I wonder the more we dwell on our own personal problems or bad,fearful and corrupt issues in the world . Or personal hangups or thinking bad about ourselves etc the more they can grow into enormous overwhelming "things" like they take up so much space in our brains and can overcrowd all that is good. Just thinking about this lately myself.

So if that is indeed true what I said. Is it just as easy to fill our thoughts and minds with the very opposite. Think on whatever is lovely, think upon whatever is pure. Focus on beauty all around ourselves and beauty we see within others. Focus on whatever it is that brings you "happy". Whatever it is that makes us smile. Just fill our thoughts and souls with these things.

I can think of one thing at the moment in regards to you that made me smile. And that was the feathers that came floating out of your puffer jacket

[Jstar49]

Hi Sleepy! And wave to Shell , Em and Katy,

such a lovely empowering thread to follow! Positive body image, caring for plants (well done you!) dealing with less than perfect gps and workers- oh yes, very real.
I had a little giggle with Katy going to the beach unshaven- I haven’t shaved for a few decades lol! My brother lives in America and he got a shock once when I lifted up my arms...!!!! Ha ha LOL 😂

I don’t get itchy armpits anymore, or prickly legs! And it’s something I notice when I see other women who likewise choose not to shave. It’s a very powerful feminist statement I guess.
we as women are so hard on ourselves. It’s lovely when we can step out from that. Choose to think and act differently.
Helen Garner is an Aussie feminist writer. I have her book ‘the first stone’ on my shelf but haven’t read it in a while. I’ll read it again and get back to you.
Getting into strong female writers generally is helpful, as you just get a different perspective from mainstream. Sally Morgan has written some great books from an indig perspective.

It’s probably like what Shell has said, focusing on the pure and lovely, or the antidote to the problem. Reducing our intake of the crap. We can choose who we follow on social media, which shops we go to, where we focus our attention.
There is others out there like us. We may have to look harder that’s all ❤️
How is everyone’s goodies box going? I top up my orange choc every week! And even bought myself yummy chewy sourdough bread treats from my fave bakery two weeks running 🙂 I figure if I’m not eating cake I can eat more bread and chocolate ....

Or even combine them!

Chocolate croissant anyone?