Thinking about death.... all the time...

[Guest_1643]

Hi all

I've been struggling for 3 weeks with suicidal thoughts

My new GP is amazing

He tells me to think of suicidal thoughts as a symptom maybe a solution

Could he be right?

Today he assigned someone to give me a call to check in on my safety. I don't think that will happen. I've not received the call.
Small things like this lead to rage, hurt and fear for me.

And so I am left to deal with the thoughts alone.

[Guest_1643]

hey Shelll...

thank u, ur reply perked me up, and made me glad for writing and venting....

i did just what you said and went for a walk.

my neighbour who always complains about my door being loud when i close it, is having an illegal party today, in her apartment, dozens coming in and out.... i was very triggered, wanted to go out, but nowhere much to go.

i've been taking sleeping meds but they've stopped working, and i dont know what to do....

i went for a long walk, got a smoothie and sat on the bench. i noticed how gorgeous these red little blooms are against th sky.... it was gorgeous.

i wanted to take a photo of it.... there are lots of blossoms now....

i went to get a cofee and the guy gave it to me for free

he always says i'm his friend and he likes me....

i dont know why....

he's not creepy, just has a family friendly vibe. but now i feel so funny like i have to get coffee there lol!!

it does feel better to vent, do you feel ur walk helped? no prssure to write back.... xx

[Guest_1643]

hi all

ive been doing some stuff along what Shelll has beautifully suggested...

listening to sounds, and also i learnt somthing in my support group, about pressing your fingertips together, or putting the soles of your feet against the ground

to get into ur body

it works pretty quickly....today was a bit of a rough day

on friday i had tonnes of little disasters, my laptop broke, i had a friend com and visit me just as I was leaving, and my neighbour again....

my psych and i realisd today some new triggers that i have

i didnt quite understand them

they are around trust, like if someon appears disinterested in me....like when h thought that i had gastro?! and confused m with a patient.

how upset i felt. how unseen. how i often feel. and that i just put up with being not even appreciated or recognisd as a human.

i'm learning to understand that more in myself

i hate ppl who make me feel invisible and also like i'm being dramatic if i have a feeling or concern.

behind the littlest concerns or flare ups are often a huge trigger.

my medication doesn't really work anymor, i spoke to a pharmacist today about sleep and he was so trauma sensitive

he said its more that the body overrides the medication. for whtaver reason, the body wants to be awake

he also recommendeda book - i think its called why we sleep??? i'm hunting for it now! it looks great... and that is a good question. why do (or don't) we sleep?? sending hugs x

[ecomama]

Hey Sleepy

It makes sense why you can't sleep. The vigilance you have atm (neighbour not helping), feelings of being socially isolated and in confinement.

Seems like those triggers of feeling like no one's noticing you etc could be Schemas being triggered from childhood?

So if we think about it, when we're feeling traumatised and or angry, sleep doesn't come naturally.
We become hypervigilant, anxiety rises.
It's difficult to "settle", to relax, concentrate, sleep.

It's hard to process ANY THING when we're in this state.

A Psych a long time ago told me to use the phrase "Where are the gargoyles?" when I was having a panic attack but I didn't know when I was in that state or even when I was being triggered (triggered wasn't even a term used back then).
Meaning, I worked out later, than in these moments our amygdala has flared - the fright / flight / freeze.

So when you are able to, any grounding exercises may help. The 5 things you can see, hear, smell etc things like Shelll suggested. Walking. Feet on the earth, sand, grass.

Coffee seems to be very grounding; strong smell, strong taste etc.

Feeling SAFE is a biggie. (Feelings of being UNsafe is a trigger).
So I'm glad you're getting a weighted blanket. These help my sons who live downstairs but I never knew why until this week.

I like Shelll's suggestion of doing your hair too. Washing my hair and using hair products is very grounding. Also using any facial products in the mirror. Playing with make up while listening to a funny comedy show helps me alot.

Grounding that helped me today. Being in the garden as per. Then I reorganised my wardrobes (again), not the whole lot, just some annoying parts. I just had some show playing while I got lost in my wardrobes lol.
In the process I found a French Knitting loom and thought that might be a repetitive activity to do to help ground myself, IDK.

Hope you feel better soon dear girl
Love EMxxxx

[Guest_1643]

Hi EM,

It's been a little tricky to process the gargoyles, it is interesting I wrote in the vent thread that I don't like my sedated, medications induced sleep, and the pharm told me today that the studies confirm that. He had a lot to say that was pertinent to how I experience it.

Thank u for understanding it. It is rough stuff made easier by having ppl here that understand

Thank u

[Guest_1643]

Updates....

Hello friends, EM, Shelll, J, Mark and all here in any way

Missed everyone. Thinking of u all, J, thanks for shouting out to me on Ur thread.

LD is hard today

I don't particularly enjoy being home, but there's not much to do....outside seems like a whole other world.

I will see CM Cheryl next week, the ipad has internet built in, good thinking EM otherwise a dongle would be great.

The ipad is pretty fun I took it to see psych and was busy doing emails while waiting

I'm definitely way too excited about it!

I'll probably bring it next week too....

Psych said he's going to call Cheryl and also my brother ....to chat or get more understanding. I'm into it

Sounds good.

I feel like things are moving faster, which is good. Keeping change tangible and real....and now that Cheryl's onto the ndis stuff, I hope to actually see results and get support. Real life human support.

I have thought about what advocacy stuff I do, I like it but also hate it . I am tired of dealing with ppl who frankly don't want to help me or anyone. I hope with funding it won't be such a struggle anymore.

I want to ask psych how he is with body image. It's hit me hard lately with so much time qat home , this ugliness feeling . When I leave the house I feel it hit me .

Sometimes worse than others.

I think Cheryl maybe can link me I to some specialst stuff on this . It might take someone who really knows .

Feeling ugly is tiring too. I think safety in my body would be so good. I feel now like there's threat everywhere

[ecomama]

Dearest Sleepy and waves to everyone,

Sorry about the cryptic gargoyles thing. Will explain another time.

I'm really glad you opened up and talked to your Pharmacist about the sleep meds issues.
You gained some professional validation about how you feel whilst taking those meds. And if you feel yuck then you feel yuck. He sounds like a sensible ally 🙂

You mentioned taking herbal things for sleep alot earlier but the overall issue with sleep and how you're feeling is in your last statement "I feel now like there's threat everywhere". You know I'm not a psych at all but from a person whose been formally diagnosed with C-PTSD Sleepy, this is exactly how I felt when I was deep in the throes of having C-PTSD experiences.

I know it's difficult to open up to ppl around you. And there's no need to go into details here (or maybe even with a psych until you're ready) but to let them know you've felt traumatised by your ex and family could bring them to giving you the assessments for PTSD.

It's not so much all the diagnoses etc that will help IMHO but the SUPPORT to untangle these reactions within your mind.

Right now, you ARE safe. You are as physically safe as you could be.
You don't FEEL safe atm and it's your mind doing this (from your past experiences IMO).

I think a huge trigger for you right now is your neighbour. We can talk about that if you wanted to. I can see her behaviours affecting you.

You could try Journalling these things if you wanted to something like this:

Situation / person Feelings Remedies
EG
Neighbour- Anger? Anonymous reporting.
Unwanted notes Frustration Talking with Cheryl.
and parties. Rudeness (since
she breaks the rules
& complains about
your door)

That's one example.

Body Image: it'd be great if Cheryl knew of a specialist in this field that could help you.

To me you are a beautiful woman; kind, caring, compassionate with a cute sense of humour.
Praying you can learn to love yourself and navigate out of these feelings that are bringing you down.

Love EMxxxx

[Guest_1643]

Hi Em,

We can talk about gargoyles another time, no problems.... I appreciated and am so treasuring Ur advice ... I recalled it today as had an appt with gp

He asked me if noise disrupts my sleep

I told him about the parties and how it affects me

All of it

About the note under the door

To be honest, felt great to share and just take it out or my own head

He's good... great really

My friend who is a medical professional has seen him for years and he aided her a lot with her mh

She and I were face timing and she told me she's has horrid gp experiences besides him, same...tbh.

Never really understood what a good gp was ! They were all bad.

He is great. Ptsd as u said can be hard to explain

The noise from the parties doesn't just annoy, it hurts. It's painful.

I'm not thrilled with CM, and, annoyingly, part of her role is to accompany me to appointments.....

Today I travelled a lot around my area, just to get out went for an long walk, sat in a park, moved, just chased away the bad feelings . I felt I couldn't be at home, and needed to remember there is life outside the apartment.

[Guest_1055]

Hi dear Sleepy ( hey wondered if you changed your name to the opposite say "Restful" would help you. Like speaking to your physical self that indeed you are rested so in turn you actually feel it) don't know may help???

And I am glad it perked you up when you read what I said. Or was it that you felt acknowledged and noticed that perked you up? Just interested in that about you, because I was not acknowledged much when I was growing up. And I know you were not either.

You asked about whether walking helps me. Yes it does quite a bit especially if it is out in fresh air.

Think the "ugly" can feel tiring because our minds and emotions sometimes will not be quite about it. And for me it can stop me being around other people (like want to hide away).

That's a good choicebof yours just to get on out of your apartment and move around, and even going on a long walk. And yeah just sitting outside. Change of scenery can feel a bit refreshing. Definitely much life outside to be found

[Guest_1643]

hi everyone!! J i wanted to say thanks for sharing baout ur box....that u would have that ice cream in it. My brother was always an ice cream eater, i bet he'd also want ice cream for his.... it was his ultimate snack....

i like PANA chocolate, Shelll told me about them as well also having icecream

i bought a little one of their chocolates for SC, they would for sure fit in nicey in the box!!

They have some cute little ice creams the style that you mentioned.

I like the idea of a nail polish, skincare, or makeup thing - maybe i'd like something glittery, an eye shadow or something.... or a highlighter, as they call them..... i think they are fun!!

I know Em u had some hair oils u were into also.... maybe a hair oil?!?

maybe a crystal

maybe a candle, like a special one for by m y bed.... or a sensory item.

(Cheryl, as an OT, i assume would be good at this- finding cute sensory items).

How is everyone? much love

[Guest_1643]

hi Shelll, i like what you are saying, about being restful

It's a nice word, and a nice image. I am mostly worried about sleep, but on a deeper level, its all about feeling rested. If I could briefly nap, mediate, or relax, and i didn't fall asleep, but felt rested, i'd be happy. My main problem is really about not being able to rest or let go. I am very anxious and uptight at times, like my whole body is waiting for the next awful thing. It is tiring.

Ur post made me feel touched as u were refrencing my venting, and showing support in such a natural, kind way, without judgement. I did feel so judged gowing up.

I always was told off for expressing any emotion, and if I was fearful of something i'd be laughed at. I have since always tried to conceal my fears and be brave. I do love the vent thread becausee its soooooo the opposite.

I'm sorry you didnt get that validation either. Validation and space rae so helpful. I am trying to test the boundaries with this. Try and open up a little.... peek head out.... see if it is safe. 

I did geet out and about today in the sun, i have been thinking more about routine latlely. i did not want to go, but I did go, and am trying to do a similar walk daily.

The sun was nice and I had a great chat in the cafe with a nice man I am fond of. he is the barista. He knows I go to the park after I drink the coffee, and he asked "Going to the park today?"

Nice. I walk around the park and sometimes pat dogs/cats, chat to ppl. A ladybird sat beside me today, and I noticed that.

I noticed not so many ppl out and about, was quiet.