Thinking about death.... all the time...

[Guest_1643]

Hi all

I've been struggling for 3 weeks with suicidal thoughts

My new GP is amazing

He tells me to think of suicidal thoughts as a symptom maybe a solution

Could he be right?

Today he assigned someone to give me a call to check in on my safety. I don't think that will happen. I've not received the call.
Small things like this lead to rage, hurt and fear for me.

And so I am left to deal with the thoughts alone.

[ecomama]

Hey Sleepy

Lol I think I'll keep the glitter constrained to my nailpolish! hahaha.

Yes. Illusions is the book I choose. I miss it.
Also I really love those beetroot crisps yum!

Our tests were negative. So we can actually go buy our OWN food now lol. Nothing more. Work yes but I'm not rostered on onsite this week or next.

I had no intentions of getting the vax at all. Work is putting pressure on us but hey I'll wait until they say we'll no longer be employed if we don't. Vaccines don't work with my system. It's a rare "condition" / physiology but there it is. Any vaxes would be wasted on me. I haven't had vaxes for anything in over 30y since we discovered that.

I'm glad you can get a taxi to your appt. That's nice. hugs!

I watched a Netflix show which included the guy who wrote 'The body keeps score' and it was very interesting.

I wouldn't get that book in my self-care package tho.
More in my hard work pack! lol.

So after watching all that I can't settle down to go to bed. But I must as I have work tomorrow.

How are you doing my friend?

Love EMxxxx

[Guest_1643]

No judgements from me, I didn't want to get it and tbh it's been annoying as it hurts and throws my body around. I got the Vax and hope I'll be alright. Taxi was a big help as I did feel bit sick afterwards. Today my arm hurts still which frustrates.

Love Ur self care Box and so happy u can get out and about again and buy what u need and get out to the communities u support . I am half vaccinated and half in pain and half hungry. It is risky in a way to get vaccinated as it brought me down in mood a lot but people don't understand what that means to me, that I'm scared of that for my own safety. Hope to feel better tomorrow. Much love, many pomegranates x

[Guest_1643]

Hey Em, truly hear u in all u new wrote. How are u all doing so th all restrictions and d now u got Ur tests back? Yvette closed group sounds so fun, what a sweet kid you have!!

Had a yukky trauma trigger today, but doing okay , arm less sore and we have had some sunshine !

I might think to add skincare to mybox, a cleanser and maybe a skin oil

Ive been wanting so,etching pink, a pure or of pink sweat pants even, to make lounging as we do so much off, feel nice

[ecomama]

Hey Sleepy

That's a lovely addition to your self-care box. Comfy clothes are my go to the whole time I'm at home. Try to have comfy clothes for work too, but they expect us to wear "corporate" dress, bit outdated IMHO mmm.

How's your arm and yourself feeling tonight?
I hope you feel better soon.

I feel pretty ill today but I'm pretty sure it's because I watched that Netflix show.
I think the triggers were on a deep level and made me feel physically ill.
By lunch time today I began passing out, so went to bed. Now I have a headache. IDK.
This hard breathing thing began which I used to get as a little child.

I had a dream that I needed to go outside and walk around. I think grounding is one of the most important things for my MH.

In that Doco the guy said why do we call it Mental Illness when it's really Mental Injury. That struck a chord.

Haven't gone anywhere since our Negative results. Might get some food tomorrow.

DEFINITELY some skin care is a must have in our Self-Care box of goodies! :-))
I'd ordered some Body Shop stuff online for the first time and it arrived this week.
I absolutely love their Vitamin C pump bottle ... brb I need to find out exactly what it's called.... Skin Boost Instant Smoother... it's divine lol. Smells amazing. Even the next day my skin feels so smooth and soft, I love it.
It comes in a tiny bottle but it spreads so well, goes a long way.

Don't much like the Booster gel one, too sticky.

I really like face spritzers. I can't live without Micellar water on a flat make up removing pad. It's like a magnet for dirt. Even after a long bath and facial scrubs, I can use it and still find some dirt and I'm like WHAT??
Love that stuff lol.

What skin care do you like to use?

Love always
EMxxxx

[Guest_1643]

Hi all!

Hi EM - good tip about the miceller water on makeup pad - do you use other mists and sprays? thats lovely self care

ive been looking into oils and maybe gentle cleansers.... i use witchhazel on my skin and like scrubs but a lot of them are made up of crushed walnuts which i think can cause micro-tears on the skin.... so maybe gentle cleansers is a good go to, with oils i love, safflower, rosehip, etc. And i love doing masks with honey 🙂

I like stuff that feels like nothing in a way, i dont want a burn - i want smooth, non irritating, that is just like coating ones face with calm. I like face masks too,but I haven't found much good from the chemist, i'll have to resarch it. Maybe a FANCEE face mask for SC box?!

thank you so much, finally the injection-site has calmed down, and i think they are spacing out dose 2/the booster, which means 6 weeks til my next shot.

i felt so sleepy afterwards, i spent most of the day resting. i think it was good for me, in the end. the stress of LDs has taken a toll, and it was nice to have permission to do nothing.

Cant concentrate too well atm, borrowed some books to read but just a page or so is all i can get. i've been reading the same novel for weeks, one page at a time.

I read a really long jounral article on MH that was really interesting, and i got a bit excited that i could concentrate on one topic!!

my GP spoke to my psych which wa good, they had not interacted bfore formally, psych made a positive impression... and i'm starting to warm to my case manager, which is great. J named hr Cheryl, which is working so well. Cheryl is very efficient. she gets stuff done like no other. I apprecite that.

i told her i ddnt really like the pyschiatrist or find her hepful. there may b someone else i can see instead. i feel mean, but, i'm okay with that.

Sorry you had the trigger from the show.... it can feel gross!!!
No one likes that feeling... i can so understand the need to rest after...

I had a bad encounter today, unpleasant, bought up issues with men... made me upset.

i have done SC i can manage, but i feel a bit sad still with the 9pm curfew. it really pushes my limits.

I'm a bit disorganised and tended to shop and do stuff after 9, i think it's btter for me to wind down and not be so hectic in the evenings, but i still get this scary, sinking feeling as the curfew "descends" on our area.

Maybe it's fear? I don't know.... I don't love it. I feel stuck.

[ecomama]

Hey Sleepy

I've been thinking about that very thing ie WHAT is this feeling of dread about... I do think it's fear or a feeling of lack of "safety".
I'm sure it's a big thing for everyone the needing to feel safe.
But I'm pretty sure that for C-PTSD sufferers, it's almost like we never feel safe (it takes a really long period to GROW any feelings of safety), so having the weird impacts of the pandemic and LDs and curfews, like we're in a State of Emergency because we are by Govt reckonings... then of course it's an absence of feeling safe.

So much of the media is fear mongering.
So much political rhetoric is fear mongering.

Also so much CONTROL.
Being survivors of dv, being controlled is a trigger for sure.

If we HADN'T been told there was a pandemic, would we be feeling so bad?
It's the knowing there is one, snap. Not safe.

So I think we have triggers on so many levels that we can't ID them atm.

Cheryl sounds great!
I trigger from "men" all the time lol, what a palaver.
How are you feeling now about that?

Re: reading / taking things in.
I'm like that most of the time. I can't even read novels any more at all. But give me a Published Research Article on MH / MIs and I gobble it up lol. Go figure.

Not sure if Vic Libraries do this... I'm thinking of finding out HOW to access the online Subscription of Psychology Today which is a BRILLIANT publication. Has the most beautiful articles about mental HEALTH, a really positive focus which is so helpful! Apparently our Local Library has bought the ONLINE versions for us to read. Just don't know how to access them lol.

Might call them if I remember.

Re: Skin care. Wow I didn't know lots of scrubs use walnut shells lol oh dear!
The nicest facial "scrub" I have is a $3 one from Kmart, Vit C as per lol. Just smooth, creamy and fluffy and no bits in it. Smells yum and doesn't leave an oily film on my skin.

I bought a Seaweed facial scrub from the Body Shop. And a Himalayan something, it's black so that'll be fun.

P.son got a sample range of skin care and loved it. So bought the whole range and his skin has cleared up brilliantly, it's radiant now! My darlings got some of demons skin issues, so I'm no help.

I like Jojoba oil, almost any essential oils. Tea tree is too acidic anywhere near me except for cleaning lol.

LOVE the nivea thickest possible moisturiser and can use it 3x a day and my skin still wants more! Such dry skin.

Love always
EMxxxx

[Guest_1643]

Hi all!,,

Sitting here on my ipad...(tablet...it's not actually an ipad)

Today all this Ld stuff truly feels heavy. It's very triggering , and Em thank u for Ur insight, its the lack of control and the sense of doom, like we are stuck, and don't have choices...tbh I feel le ft out and forgotten, like some ppl are safer than me, like some ppl are not as worthwhile.

It's quite a strange time.

I bought some stuff online which was a nice rare treat and went for a walk in the park

[Guest_1643]

booked in for the second vaccination, this time at a different place entirely - its quite hard to get spots!

i thought it was wednesday for most of today.... still wandering how my week got so confused, probably due to sleeping all day after the vaccination!!

feeling shaky today, close to tears. tired. over it. confused. Probably from medication as well, that i've been using PRN.

It's also been th first sunny day for ages here, like truly sunny, not a cloud in the sky, blissful gorgeous perfect day. probably feeling a bit sad as ppl are out in droves, walking, getting coffees, doing fun stuff, and i'm not really able to bcause of my mood and many othr reasons. because of isolation, internal, external.

i saw a new shop opening up today, installing everything and it was a bit weird to remmber that ppl are starting new lives and ventures in this time. how to plan for anything?

but ppl are.

Cheryl has started my NDIS application and i'm hoping that's her strength and asset, the ability to fill out forms and push through red tape. She is nice too, seems she sees the best in ppl, and trusts and likes everyone. i note that in her, and it's nice, in a way, that chipper quality.

My psych is totally booked out forever so i have sporadic appointments

they all are, my GP says. it's just the way now.

my GP seems a little infatuated with the psych, after their phone check in meeting, i wont use th same adjectives he used, but he basically describd the psych as a wonderful one. okay.

i have terrible triggers with men too EM. because of my history. I'm always being told by them to move or do this or do that and it's too much. It was nice at times seeing female health professionals who held a pretty firm but feminine power... not to say i havent seen awful female heath practitioners, and they were most awful in that they deferred to and seemed to want to be accepted by male health practitioners, evn whn they were blatantly incorrect.

dismantling power needs to be done by men and womn, imo.

EM that mud-style black skincare sounds so good, i love to read ur nourishing skincare. its such a nice and powerful self care. so hard to do in rough times. i dont have a bth but that is also very relaxing.

Showers aren't as good!!! the best part of today was drinking a hot drink in hot weathr, a bit of a treat really. and finding out its thursday was nice 🙂 nearly end of the week. Hope all are safe and relaxed.

hi Shelll Hi J. Hi Mark welcome to anyone who wants to read along x

[ecomama]

Hey Sleepy, it's FUN DAY FRIDAY! Yeah wow hey, not so much fun but!

Yes I HAVE this loverly skin care now but barely used a drop of anything, like anything.

Oh I'm 100 - 1million % wary of men.
I'm probably wary of women too lol... since the community horrors of late in my area.

I'm not a good person to encourage you to get out there and put yourself out there and just risk things.
See how my language is NOT encouraging lol???

I do!

But Cheryl seems nice.
I hope she's all over the NDIS app!
YOU NEED AN IPAD or tablet or whatever... to increase your confidence with community engagement.

Increasing community engagement needs to be a goal.
Even if you don't actively ACHIEVE this goal, it's what you want (I think) and this device will help you.

If you need a "dongle" that carries data with it for use of your device away from wifi, then add that in for $$ too.

So much can come under increasing community engagement. Alexa took one client to indoor basketball, yoga classes but she shirked away from Alexa's suggestion of Meditation classes lol. There's usually a bit of Meditation in Yoga classes anyway.

Also Alexa is paid by NDIS to help her clients ORGANISE their homes!
She's redone Kitchen spaces, linen cupboards... and does cooking with them too.

These ones are in increasing LIFE SKILLS as a Goal.
I know you know how to cook but having a buddy cook WITH you can be fun!

I spoke with my friend today about some triggers and my father. She said I sense you have some anger about your father? lol I said no, it's not anger, it's a 4 letter F word being FURY.
And yes I'll sit with FURY a while... forgiveness may come later, let me get this out first lol!

So another F word could be FUN!
Perhaps you and I are missing FUN in our lives?
And logically so, LD doesn't promote a fun feeling, does it Sleepy?

Don't worry that you confused your days, SO MANY ppl are losing track of what day it is, believe me!
One day blurring into the next, wash rinse repeat.

HUGE HUGS!!
I'm off to cook dinner AND maybe use that black scrub lol.
I'll let you know how it goes.

Love you lots!
HUGS AGAIN
EMxxxx

[Guest_1055]

Hi Sleepy

Read somewhere else what you wrote... I hear you. You are going to be ok, even though it may not feel like it at the moment.

Can you go outside for a walk maybe in the park. And purposely notice the sky, the grass the trees. Listen out for anything that you hear.

Maybe you can do some of your art work, cook, do your hair in a different style, listen to music.

Hope it's ok to write up suggestions for you. I am not sure if it helps possibly the connection you desire from another human soul.

Just suggestions to help get your thoughts off from how you are feeling currently I guess. May help.

You asked me a few pages back... if it helps make things lighter when I vent. Yes mostly it does. But not always. Was it helpful to you your last vent?

You also asked about spelt.. Yes I made a pizza dough and I make banana bread with spelt flour.

Currently I am sitting in the car after walking on the beach. About to head on home now.