Thinking about death.... all the time...

[Guest_1643]

Hi all

I've been struggling for 3 weeks with suicidal thoughts

My new GP is amazing

He tells me to think of suicidal thoughts as a symptom maybe a solution

Could he be right?

Today he assigned someone to give me a call to check in on my safety. I don't think that will happen. I've not received the call.
Small things like this lead to rage, hurt and fear for me.

And so I am left to deal with the thoughts alone.

[Guest_1643]

Hi Em

I've seen you write to others as well about how much work is needed on our own, and i'm always like... YES!! so true!!! I feel it took me many many many years to understand it. I never really researched topics about MH, I had like a block there, I didn't want to know. I still have blocks when it comes to some topics, I don't know exactly the difference between some MH professions, how much they study, etc, but in other areas of MH i am very open and curious now. I ask a million questions. I love researching!!

Next time I see my psych I want to ask him many questions, to situate him in terms of his role for me. But I don't rely on him. I rely on me!!

I am in the process of applying for funding and hope to keep writing about it!! i'm not very far down the track at all...and its such a daunting process. I love that idea about getting funding to help wth devices, even the thought of it echoes sighs of relief and calm for me. Thank you so much I loved and felt so supported by your intuition on that!!

Now i gotta watch some Mr Bean lol. After j put it here i feel like I need to see him... and maybe even that movie revolving around the Art Piece?! the Bean Movie...

[Guest_1643]

Hey all!
its defiitely eerily quiet here. I don't like it too much lol... I think it's a diffeent quiet than living in a peaceful town, its more like everythng is on "pause." we are really locked down here, i worry about some vulnerable ppl...i wander if ppl are ok... it's different preferring to be indoors or being a homebody, then being told you have to be indoors... it feels a bit claustrophobic.

I haven't seen the one with the tea in his mouth - it sounds like a hilarious one! did you watch it growing up? I know he has other shows... but never sw them...

My friend told me that my ex is having a baby soon... i didn't know but I didnt get too upset about it. I'm just interested in how ppl's lives move forward I guess, mind you, he is 42, however I guess also during the pandemic, ppl celebrating and hvaing these beautiful milestone... that itself makes me sad but i'm not sad about his child.

I think I have to stop talking to that person... she and her partner are very close to him, and I can't hear about my ex anymore. Not in a harsh way, we rarely speak anyway and aren't close, but every so often get in contact, and all i hear about is my ex. I think that is why we stopped speaking... I think I just drifted off away due to needing space to move on....

my case manager is so cute and although the tablet goes back soon, it has been fun, they are cute and fanceee EM....amazing how something like that can change everything...

although this lockdown has been gross (I think it's no 6 officially, but its very confusing bcause its been exended 3 times so is it still 6?) ive sort of made a few decisions durig it....
I've decided i'll stick with the psych

and another choice i made, which is a bit of TW one so i'll pause on that one... for a bit...

thank you for supporting me here

[Guest_1643]

hi everyone!

hope ur getting some nurturing in, whatever stage of lockdown you are at? Books and movies? I know Katy had a good one about habits....

I baked bread yesterday... that was so exciting of for me! it was really yum. It's kinda more like a cake and I used spelt flour. It has just one tablespoon of honey, but maybe I'd add more... it was lovely to make something!

My case manager and I hung out today and went for a walk - vry cold and maybe a bad idea. I felt a bit self-conscious being outdoors, and I think my pants were even dirty from my baking .... 😞 Felt unkempt and unsuited to the outdoors. So used to just the four walls.

I am having all this PTSD stuff come up for sure, and berating myself for being untrusting. I find it hard. I try but trauma is always breathing down my neck.

The case manager is very relaxed and relaxing to be around. It is also nice to have a female support person. I have gravitated towards males. The males are sweet though and not gross.

I like what EM said about ppl taking advantage of the empathy or care that we may show to others. I know that has happend to me before in my past.
I remember a partner being shocked at how caring I was, shockd that i'd just give and listen. Shocked, I think, because he was unfortunatey severely narcissistic and maybe hadnt seen much of that, and also he kinda wanted to destroy me for it.

I'm terrified of that happening again.

[Jstar49]

Hey Sleepy,

Good on you for going for a walk with your case manager- can we call her Sheryl??LOL. Even if you felt a bit grotty- I call that authentic! (seriously tho I know the feeling...I used to cover up with a longish coat when I lived near Melbourne, probably had pjs underneath some days!)

Fresh baked bread! One of the best smells ever- along with frying onions! Hey would you like some of my homemade marmalade with it? I just made a batch last week 🙂

I can imagine the eerie quality of Melbourne in LD. Esp as there's none of the natural noises- birds and crickets and frogs etc. Can you hear sounds of music at all? I'm reminded of all those beautiful vids of ppl singing in LD, either hotel quarantine, or flats in Italy etc. So inspiring and uplifting!

Sleepy it's not surprising you're getting pTSD symptoms and feeling untrusting, maybe anxious about relating. I'm sure the stress of LD is excacerbating other stuff and making it worse. Kinda sux to be still hearing about your ex too. I know I can think I'm going ok, until someone asks me about my d. Then it all kinda bursts it's banks, so to speak. I must have compartmentalised it, and it only takes a little opening for my fragile sense of wellbeing to change. BUT, as long as it's not too much at once, it seems to work out ok, almost as tho I can deal with the emotions in small, bite size pieces. I think I've locked it away so I can get on with life, but thats never a permanant fix. I wrote about this a bit on my thread.

Have you been drawing anymore?

I went for a walk with T and dog this arvy and we brought our sketch pads. I drew some trees I saw, blackened by a recent fire. She drew a willow tree.Which ended up looking like a fairy tree. which was ok. She refused to draw anything she could see, unfortunately. I love it when she draws something we're both looking at. It gives me a different perspective on it. I'm hoping we'll get a chance to play with paints while she's homeschooling as she's very reluctant with paint, and I want her to experience how much fun it is. ( I think she likes the control of pencils)

Sleepy you said you're used to the four walls- are you going for a walk each day? Please do, dear woman. It's very important. Even if you don't go far. Altho a good brisk 20 min walk is the best, in terms of MH. Are you able to drive somewhere nice (and close) and then go for a walk? Could be liberating??

Thinking of you,

J*

[ecomama]

Hello Sleepy

I'm glad your case worker is relaxed and relaxing to hang out with, that's pretty super lol.

I'm also glad to hear you're sticking with your psych, but I'd be equally supportive of you not lol - it's totally up to you. I'm trying to reinforce your own instincts, hopefully strengthen them.

Hope this doesn't need a ***TW** - trusting others, but there it is just in case.

Trust.
Sleepy WHY are you berating yourself about not trusting anyone?

I'd be FAR more concerned about you if you were trusting everyone!

Years ago when the crack appeared, shining LIGHT and lifting the gaslighting fog I'd been in for YEARS, I read and read and read.
I read a LOT about "trust".

I used to be an extremely trusting person. USED TO BE. Not any more!
I don't like using the v word ie "victim" but it's easier to explain if I do..

So I was a victim of childhood abuse (and neglect).
I was a victim of ADULThood abuse also.

I know for SURE it was because I trusted way too easily.
In fact Covey coins it by teaching: "We judge other people's actions by our OWN intentions" and wow does this make DV / FV occur more easily for victims.

We also denied our own instincts.
We thought we saw "something" (or felt that gut instinct pang) but were usually gaslighted / lied to, believed in our hearts that this person / ppl we loved would never do x y z but only because WE wouldn't.

They did.
We wouldn't ever.

So our instincts were pushed way down to zero by abusers / by our trust in them.

We only trusted OTHERS bec we could trust ourselves.

Sleepy I am GLAD you don't trust ppl easily!
WHY SHOULD YOU.
No reason.

Ppl need to PROVE they're worthy of your precious gift of trust in them.
And IMHO No one should invest 100% of their trust in another human being.
If we do, we'll spend a lot of time feeling bitterly disappointed.

A 50% - 70% is great! lol.
But they have to EARN it.

In this quiet time, or any time, learning to trust our own intuition is very very important.
More than that - it's EMPOWERING.

That Breaking Free Course I went to, said outright, wait TWO YEARS before you make any commitment to anyone. 2y of observation. NOT moving in or any such.

I'm not saying danger danger!
I'm saying think about your feelings safety.
Give, or let in, as much as is safe for you to feel giving or feel like letting someone in.

Not all ppl deserve it.
We need this boundary.

Thoughts?

Love always
EMxxxx

[Guest_1643]

Hi EM,

the case manager is nice but tbh i dont like her to bits. This week I will have to see the hospital registar psychiatrist, as part of being accepted for case management. So the case manager sits in on all these things. I had a case manager previously for 3 months and I liked him, so it was soothing having him with me in appointments. Sometimes he'd ask stuff forgt to mention etc... great service.

But I dont feel totally on the same page as her. She is very very new to working as a case manager, and it doesnt feel right. That said she's fine and friendly otherwise, but the real test will be when I ahve to include her in my team... i feel weird.

Ur so spot-on with everything u said. As I grew up in an unsafe environment I had a weird trust thing where i was open always.

I would trust easily and felt uncomfortable attributing alterior motives to someone who seemed helpful. I didn't like to think of ppl doing that to each other..
Now I am wary always, and feel sometmes i miss opportunities because of it. But my trust has been broken.

I trust no one and expect the worst, and I realise, even when i do trust professionals, there are sacred spaces I keep far frm them still, and to discuss and heal those, are only those I trust heart and soul. A few a lifetime, really. But i guess i need to accept this and it's useful to be wary. Not sure I'd want to go back to how I was before, tbh. Hurt me tonnes also. much love to u and urs x

[Guest_1643]

love that Covey summation - very true!!!

ive been told tat i need to trust more or i'll be alone

better to be alone maybe, then being harmed? i actually believe that

so, who do we trust?

Some ppl only trust their family, and keep everyone else at a distance. They don't realise their fmailies aren't the best either... sadly. And some ppl trust no one and some trust everyone.

I trusted my team when I was an inpatient.
I trust my friend who is helping me with legal stuff, and my legal-aid staff.
I trust me more than both those ppl, but I trust they know a lot, too.
I trusted my therapist I saw a few years back, she helped me heal.
I'm trying to trust myself

I trusted an expert in traumaa, he sent me to a therapist, and I didn't lke her, so then, who do i trust, him or me?

I trust the system at the hospital, even thogh I don't like the case manager.
I trust no one in my family.

[Guest_1643]

Hi J,

thank you , so sweet, the lovely offer of marmalade for my bread. So nice making condiments!! The bread was nice....and an apple crumble...i want to try make some healthy desserts, and keep googling new stuff, just bought a smoothie maker (lol, is the word I need blender?!) but haven't started making stuff just yet.

Cheryl!!!!! Lol wht a great name!! Sure. Cheryl, although sounds more of an older woman, but this is a younger Cheryl, so maybe Cheri? I'm sure i'll be hearing from Cheri/Cheryl this week due to presenting the ED, as they said they would tell her.

i haven't been drawing t all, but sometimes I do stop on a bench and do some art.... I have a visual diary, similar to urs I think, but I don't paint. Have you and T been doing some more art together in LD?

It's really stressing me out, this LD. I feel vry trapped. I don't like being home so much, and feel kinda persecuted by it. It is un-fun. It is aggressive.

I go for walks but very short, in the prk. I usually also write or drwa in the park, and sometimes talk to dogs lol. (socially distanced).

It's pretty sparse on the social interaction front for me. My friend offered to bring me dinner tomorrow as I have been struggling. She asked if I wnted anything else, a snack or something, I don't know...
I said olives. It was all I could think of and i add them to my salads. EM I remember you gave me a recipe with olives. I didn't specify, but probably black is the winning kind?

I like the idea of cooking to help ppl in lockdown. I guess ppl did that initially when lds started but i'd like to get bck into it. Or bring someone a bag of apples of something, idk, shring around. Just getting out of my own head and doing stuff for ppl. Kept me sane in the beginning but now i'm so tired.

The church does give foods and I go sometmes to get stuff. sometimes it's really useful, they give a lot of sanitry products and cosmetic stuf (shampoo, conditioner).... which saves me time and money.

They haven't been doing fresh food during lockdown, so its staples like rice and pasta. Once I got a very expired Oat Milk. I looked up how long oat milk can keep unopened (quite a lot!) but it was still pst that time... i think i'll push myself to go this week and see if they can help a bit. sending warm hugs to all x

[ecomama]

Hey Sleepy, need more TEA brb lol!

Sleeps, not sure if you remember me talking about the weird feeling of becoming "well"?
I quadruple questioned myself all the time because it felt WEIRD.

I was stepping UP major steps and I felt freer but didn't know what it was?
I could feel the slippery slope of mental unwellness to the side of me, almost beckoning me to step on and 'feel more comfortable'.

I think you're here.
I think you're quadruply questioning yourself, all these things you THINK you have difficulty with but I think you're treading this new ground of mental wellness and it feels weird. You are merely EXPLORING certain elements of yourself to increase your mental health and wellbeing.
It's not a problem, it's GREAT!

I don't even KNOW what "trusting someone" means to all ppl lol.
It's DIFFERENT to all ppl and each of our relationships also!

It's one of those "grey areas" where we can't really MEASURE trust.
We can't measure when we're not trusting enough AND we can't measure when we're trusting too much.
UNTIL afterwards.

Hindsight being the wonderful thing it is lol.

Spectrum time!
NOT trusting anyone EVER is one extreme > > leading to loneliness and isolation.
Trusting everyone all the time is at the other end of the spectrum > > leading to high risk situations and perhaps abuse? OPEN to all stuff.

Having a BALANCED approach (moderation) somewhere in between based upon the OTHER PERSON and if their actions earn our trust.
Then look at eg their role.. is it a professional relationship? Same. Trust is earnt.
Are they a potential new friend? Same. Trust is earnt.

DO WE INVEST trust blindly? No.
Can we TEST whether we can trust them, SURE!
It's over time ie longitudinal, not instant and nor should it be.

As Brene says, we ONLY share things with others we KNOW who "have our backs".
how do we know this? TIME, observation, safe feedback. (my words I'm sure Brene would have conniptions over lol!)

SO the more we know ourselves.. ie the type of friends we like - what are their values perhaps or morals or respect level or anything; like do they play basketball or love surfing IDK.. we're all different.

Then we can look at the person, if they are open to knowing us more, and do I feel happy / better / more relaxed after I've been with them?
If you feel confused then this is a red flag.
I'd say that's step 1.

You do this, there's nothing "wrong" with you.
You're just being SENSIBLE.

Love EMxxxx

[Jstar49]

Hi beautiful women,

Absolutely Em, very well put on the trust issue, and putting it on a spectrum.

Also,I think I'm learning to trust professionals within the context of their job description, if that makes sense. As in, my Dr, I assess based on whether she handles my specific medical question competently. Sure, I may not feel safe and warm with her, but if I go for MH, and she does the test, and sends me to a psych/counsellor, with all the support the medical system has to offer, then it's ok. (I have a new Dr so I'm still learning about her...)

My counsellor, whom I only visited once lol (cos I could see that I was almost counselling myself..) was ok within the bounds of her job description. She listened, and did all the right communication/active listening techniques. She was ok. I trust her to keep privacy and confidentiality and all that. Thats about it, I guess.

My family, I don't trust at all. This has led to a separation, and lack of closeness, but at least I'm not in crisis all the time becos of them now.

It's hard when you're in crisis, I think, becos you want/need someone else to solve this, fix it, work it so you don't have to be going thru this anymore. And as you say Sleepy, that kind of relationship, the kind of trust that has to develop before someone can do that, even a little bit, is a rare event. Only a few ppl in our lifetimes probably, I agree. For me, a rare older friend, and some experiences earlier in my life which I can't revisit.

That hidden stuff you refer to Sleepy, that takes a very special environment indeed, to be able to have it all out on the table, and for your body to trust the person youre working with SO much that you can release it, from your mind, from your body, and from your spirit.

Perhaps a good place to start is to begin to trust yourself. Trust your instincts. Learn about yourself so you can know the signals your body is giving out when you're uncomfortable, and then learn to act on that. This is really valuable, and I think it will help with the other.

PS by the sounds of it you are already doing this, learning to trust yourself. So I'm only saying what you know!

Are you home now Sleepy?

Love,

J*