Thinking about death.... all the time...

[Guest_1643]

Hi all

I've been struggling for 3 weeks with suicidal thoughts

My new GP is amazing

He tells me to think of suicidal thoughts as a symptom maybe a solution

Could he be right?

Today he assigned someone to give me a call to check in on my safety. I don't think that will happen. I've not received the call.
Small things like this lead to rage, hurt and fear for me.

And so I am left to deal with the thoughts alone.

[ecomama]

Dear Sleepy

This is YOUR thread and to be 150000% honest lol, I REALLY appreciate reading you expressing yourself here!

It's like a huge relief to me reading you express yourself, no triggers at all here (and that's saying alot lol).

You have ALWAYS been there for others in the forums.
ALWAYS.

You are SO kind, considerate and caring.

You are still posting on MINE and it's thick with triggers for sure. Leave that and we can talk here. Hugs.

Here on this thread is time for you!

We love you Sleepy and we WILL support you through this. No matter what you express and you can express whatever you want to. Go for it.

Please know that your Dr and whoever else is giving you all this advice to get vaccinated, do this and that, blah blah etc etc, is not you.
They could "mean well", sure, but I'm just about sick of hearing other's advice to ME not knowing the reality of life for me, not at all. But you do for YOU!

Saying "you should have" really?
Take a leap anyone who says that.

NO ONE could foresee anything.
No one has a crystal ball, so fluff it.

Tbh I expressed myself about stuff on another thread about LD and other related stuff and probably most got moderated out lol. My views maybe not appreciated.

But no one can take away my viewpoints and no one can take away yours either.
We may change them over time and maybe we won't.

I also look at what's happening and shriek.

Sleepy you are simply trying to look after yourself.
KNOWING what you need to improve your MH and wellbeing (you listed your most helpful supports above), hey no one can say otherwise.
Those are sound and healthy supports you mentioned if you needed backing at all.

When these are taken away then of course you'll feel the way you feel.

You can talk about whatever YOU want.

I am determined (lol) to USE my Visual Arts Diary tonight but AFTER my bath.
I have you and others as wonderful role models for this, so thank you!

JOY lol it's a big ask... I'm not even near there.

We all appreciate you.

Here for you.
Love EMxxxx

[Jstar49]

Hey Sleepy,

Hey mate, I'm here for you.....

Gona check back in after 9pm and see how you're doing.

Don't worry about responding 'correctly' or to everyone....We're her for YOU!!!

It must be soo hard and I'm soo sorry that things have gotten so restrictive again- that sounds really hard.

Got to cook dinner but I'll pop back in.

Take care Sleepy, big hugs

J*

[Guest_1643]

hi EM so lovely and kind of you to say, thank you!! I'm grateful to have support here and to be able to voice whtevers in my fluffball head.

I understand you have a lot going on with work atm, and have been navigating that and all that brings up. It is hard to trust some ppl sometimes, who just show their true colorss in rough times... i am sorry you are having a hard time at work! Hope the ppl u support are okay.

I had a crazy day today with wild wild drilling which involved dramas and ppl coming through my apartment to fix stuff and me feeling awful, and then trying to do a zoom group which was awful - and whaddaya you know, a person from my support group was in the group. Up close and personal on my camera!

But in the end I actually liked the zoom tbh. I think it helped me. At the time it was so confronting because i've avoided it completely for ages. I just say that i prefer in person and grab all the appointments I can jam in when lds arent happening. LDS lol. Imagine what we would have thought of that term 2 years ago? Ld - Long distance r/ship?! Long Drive? Low Density?! and now its lockdowns..>!

I'v been having fun with the tablet that my case manager gave me to borrow, learnt how to screenshot, and how to move between the tabs. I bought it with me today to "click and collect" which made me feel so fancy. I've never had one before and am a bit hopeless with it but I think I'll get into it. Hopefully not too much!!

Its nice that case manager can do all this stuff for us. I feel very loyal to her and grateful to her. I am leaning into gratitude. I hate the awkward feeling, and feel so empty so often, but there is a pure part of me that wants to thank those who sat with me and picked up the pieces when I was so damaged. Those ppl tried. Ppl get anxious about how to help vulnerable ppl or those with PTSD. Its hard. But I think for me the main thing is the trying. Just tryig to understand.

Case worker is lovely.

[Jstar49]

Hey Sleepy,

Wow that does sound cool, playing with the tablet, and even kinda enjoying zoom- Good on you!

How does it feel to be sitting inside knowing that the streets are completely silent outside? LOL I live in a small country town- it's like this every night! Ppl come and holiday here and get surprised about how you can't get any takeaway/dine in food after about 8pm- lol, I read it in a guest book in a holiday house I cleaned once. So funny to see it from that perspective! I guess I'm used to it becos I've lived in small towns most of my life. My brief existence in Sydney was the abberration, not the norm....

Anyhow!!!

How are you after your busy day? Drilling? Installing/fixing stuff? They being workmen I guess...or workwomen?? Can I be sexist and ask if any of them were cute?? Someone like Hugh Jackman would be quite nice....

Yikes!

I think LD is getting to me- starting to feel a bit twitchy today...

Cheers,

J*

[Guest_1643]

Hi J - do you think the quiet inspires more creativity, calm? Someone ( a stranger on a helpline!) once told me ppl with PTSD can love the country peacefulness!!

I had a freak out as I bought some stuff for my home today click and collect, and wantd to go get it from my car... and... well... I can't ! That's okay. It'll sit there! It's so funny yu mention that, I really feel it - the sense, the creepiness, that just knowing exatly where everyone in ur city is at 10pm. In their homes!! (Unless they are delivring food/doing essential work)... It's kinda depressing in some ways, because my neighbours ar too much for me, and I feel like they are my housemtes at times!!

The men were all extremely handsome but not super nice and also extremely awkward!

I didn't chat to them and they likely didn't enjoy how sensitive I was about letting them in to my apartment. I feel really grateful the day is over, and thanks for asking about my new tablet. What a blast! I don't know why I never treated myself to some normal and new devices, everything I have is ancient and I use it until it doesn't work anymore. This tablet goes back to the case worker soon, but it was fun for a while. They give you a number to call if you have any issues with it, and they have some tech person there as well.

Tbh the drilling and work was very traumatic, like a loud endless horrible sound, i really didn't like it. So instead of a meet-cute with Hugh Jackman I was feeling really upset in my apartment! I wish they were tradeswomen, lately I just wanna go to womens circles and be where women are and talk about women things, although oddly enough whenevr I do go out to socialise I only end up talking to men. Somehow there seems more men, (although this is a very stupid statement, thats just how I feel.... always men around with time to talk... hard to fnd female friends!!)

I cleaned my whole apartment this morning in a frenzy because of the workmen, the motivation was handy. Or I fake cleaned it, hiding whatever mess I could. My nerves can only take so much of this.

[Jstar49]

Hi Sleepy,

I can just imagine the quiet out there- kinda like war of the worlds or something...the one where the triffids take over...Day of the triffids??? IDK

I bet some ppl are blasting the music as loud as they can just to not feel so alone and creeped out!

I don't know- I love living in quiet places. Even when I lived in cities I sought out the quiet suburbs, and hated housemates unless I was good friends with them. I can relate to the neighbours thing- how's the neighbour you were chatting with?

So is curfew 10pm? I googled and it said 9...

Seriously? You can't even go to your car?? I'm sure you could! You could do a stealth attack, y'know, dress all in black and dart from tree to tree- or hide behind cars (I'm seeing mr Bean in my head lol)

Yeah I'm the same about workmen in my house. Wouldn't it be lovely to have workwomen? Someone could start a business, sending only female tradies and gardeners etc. A collective....I like womens collectives. I was watching a netflix show on Leonard Cohen- I love the poetry of his music- and he was really keen for a world where women had more power. Makes me love him more! he was a bit of a....slut? but maybe in a nice way. Just loved being with women. And apparently had no trouble pulling either! It was nice to half watch while I knitted.

Sleeps there is a lot of lonely men around. They come out of the woodwork in LD's too, I have noticed. Beware! The women are too busy actually doing stuff. The way to find women is to find places where stuff is happening- at least thats my experience.

My neck gets so stiff typing, must go and relax. Check you tomorrwo dear Sleepy.

J*

[Guest_1643]

hi J!!

ur comments about lonely ppl/men... were very caring and smart, thank u. Lonely ppl have flocked to me in hospital settings and it has been difficult at times. I used to be so open in a bad way. I accepted any one and also fell for their pity parties... which were always about beng so desperately alone, and how i saved them from it. A LOT of pressure there.
I told my psych this - its a red flag for me. When someone says i'm the only one they can talk to. I know full well I can't be all things for them, friend, partner, confidante, advocate etc... if they talk to no one else but me its scary. I can only do one thing - be a friend, not all the other things, which soon overtakee and i end up doing all of those

Loved Mr Bean stealth stalking image lol. There is also an episode of Real Housewives of BH where the girls stealth stalk an ex in those outfits. Great times.

Its 9pm!! i as just writing at 10pm... and wanting to go outsidee... i thinnk at one point last year it was 8pm, lucky they are now sticking with 9. Lotsa cases today. Lotsa isolation. I'm still a bit scared I htink from the workers, I don't like them, and they are a bit rude, having them literally by my window for days has been upsetting me 😞
Thank you for thinking of me here and for being just wonderful overall.

[ecomama]

Dearest Sleepy,

I'm STILL Loving seeing you write so much about your world, your feelings, the shenanigans going.
Please keep expressing yourself, it's so wonderful to read, you have no idea how much. Hugs.

J* Mentioned a Work Women's business which I thought I needed VERY much and indeed it's a WONDERFUL idea. There are "She safe" Uber type drivers - female only. Like it!

Just something to think about as I saw you write about how much having the borrowed Tablet is freeing you up a little bit more, making you feel a bit fancee lol... they are fancy lol.
Did you realise that those feelings can be written in technical / psychological terms to be included in an NDIS application?
I don't work for NDIS lol BUT I do work WITH so many ppl who have NDIS funding.
I've helped WORD things in their applications and we've had huge success increasing the beautiful recipients' funding which has helped them so much!! yay!

My brother applied for around $6000 but ended up getting approved for almost $40k.
I edited the app as I KNOW him, know what helps him. I know what they want to read, what specific goals they want to see written down and the that's what the funding is for... to move ppl towards more independence AND empowering them to do so, step by step. Whatever it may be for them.

Over time please consider putting together an application with help from your support ppl around you and I would be very happy to help WORD things should you want me to help.

= you can apply for funding for a Tablet and all else that supports your independence and improved MH and Wellbeing.

No pressure! Just saying.

Btw my brother works FT (6 days per week), earns stacks and still got funding to support him.

I saw Katie pop in and talk about our previous misconceptions around the journey towards increasing our MH.
We might wrestle with this concept for X long but it's so true.
I truly believe if we KNOW that ie that we have to put in 99.9% of the effort, then we take that responsibility more cognizantly and CAN improve our MH.
Sure we're gonna need lots of support ppl but hey no woman is an island lol. ALL GOOD!

I'll update my thread soon. Things going better.

J* Mr Bean lol.

Yep LD is a thang! I'm trying to do what POWs and others have done in the past (I read some books in my youth). Block it out and focus on what's in front of me.

Love always
EMxxxx

[Jstar49]

Hey Sleepy,
it's nearly 10 pm here, how's it going there?
Mr Bean lol....du remember the episode where he's running late for work, and so he makes a cup of coffee in his mouth?? Like, spoonful of cooffee, add spoon of sugar, then add.....oops! HOT WATER! So dumb, and yet so funny to think of! I didn't like his movies as much as his early series. Too much pressure!
And yes, waaay too much pressure, being responsible for someone else's happiness. Isn't it funny how we as women so often get sucked into that one? For me it's the problem of 'being nice'. I actually do rather envy the girls that can be sassy, and not be all super apologetic afterwards. I wasn't raised that way.
Best I can manage is being appropriately honest- and that's a lot of work! Mostly the 'appropriately' part.
Have you ever done any work on boundaries Sleepy? Altho methinks you have just by your comment that you used to have more of a problem with being open. That shows that you've learnt to choose, more, when to be open and when to not be.
I def have an issue with boundaries. I hate saying no! My work loves it. Well, until it pushed me too far-shadow's of Em's story here, but with waaay less responsibility. Anyway I ended up in tears by the side of the road, and since then I haven't been hassled nearly as much with changes to my roster.
What are the streets like tonite? Would make such a good painting-if one knew how to draw a night scene well. Empty streets, lit by street lamps. titled, Melbourne lockdown, no 7 (?)
So much scope for memorable art! If only I could really paint! I'll stick to my sunflowers.....

Hey, how long will the workmen be there? Can you escape them? Sit outside somewhere? (Are you allowed to sit outside, or du have to keep moving...)
Catch ya soon,
J*

[Jstar49]

Hey Em,

Good to know your thread is safe again, I'll see you there...

Mind blown about your bro btw- thats huge! What did he do with it?

Lol mr Bean- biggest dork ever!

Cheers,

J*