Thinking about death.... all the time...

[Guest_1643]

Hi all

I've been struggling for 3 weeks with suicidal thoughts

My new GP is amazing

He tells me to think of suicidal thoughts as a symptom maybe a solution

Could he be right?

Today he assigned someone to give me a call to check in on my safety. I don't think that will happen. I've not received the call.
Small things like this lead to rage, hurt and fear for me.

And so I am left to deal with the thoughts alone.

[Guest_1643]

hi all -

feeling a bit hopeless atm here in lockdowns, called a helpline which was amazingly helpful today, the woman was very caring and had a great energy. I'm glad I called.

I got worked up today about something small and realisd ive just been on edge completely. She helped me find perspective.

I have felt under tremendous pressure during these lockdowns and it has kept me on edge completely.

I'm anxious tht I took my stress out on someone but hope it will be okay. Fine lne between being assertive and being unfair.

I'm trying to unwind and watch a movie ... The Big Lebowski.. Old classic... and it goes forever. Jeff Bridges is awesome.

I am thinking of everyone here on the forums, and hoping ur okay.

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

Hi sleepy

Just popping in while I wait for the iron to warm up. I’m not used to having to get up early and get organised and iron clothes! Ha! Prac is going well. Everyone is nice and have been supportive so far. I hope it stays that way. I’m on prac for thirteen weeks, so it’s a long time to be around people when I’m used to a lot of time on my own. It’s very tiring.

I totally get you about the discomfort of opening up to new people, and then for that relationship to not be ongoing. We’re onto the third prac co-ordinator at uni and I just don’t want to go through opening up to another one - two was difficult enough.

im glad you found someone supportive on the helplines. And yes, sometimes being able to shift out perspective is huge. I think that’s what I’m getting the most out of with GROW. A new way of looking at things.

Take care lovely. Im looking forward to hearing about your neighbour’s pet 🙂

[ecomama]

Sleepy, I'm really loving that you're opening so much here on your thread.

It's awesome for your supporters here to know stuff going on and can more appropriately write stuff in response, so thankyou!

Just a hint, I use my phone Diary to write dot points on the Appt Date whatever I want to ask, say, get feedback on.
Sometimes I can feel the session winding up and I say HOLD ON I need to check my notes lol.
Then check them off.

I am SO HAPPY to hear you finally got a Case worker, WOW! Yippee! lol.
Congratulations.

LONG TIME COMING hey Sleepy?

You showed perseverance there! Well done you. xxxx

It's funny you said you met someone who "doesn't believe in the virus" ok then!
When Alexa was a little girl she believed in reincarnation and her little friend said she didn't believe in it.
Alexa said "That's ok, it happens anyway" hahaha.

So that's ok he doesn't believe in the virus, it happens anyway.

Hey Miss 24 what are you doing with your "misspent youth"?
You get to live it ALL all over again now he said that truth!

Sleepy we could do all sorts of monetary calculations about how much you're SAVING our economy by having as many MH Professionals and support workers as you need, because it's true

BUT far more true from a humanities POV is knowing that every person is worthy of whatever support mechanisms they can get.
If you need it then you deserve it.

I really don't care what anyone says to the contrary. If there is an argument to be had lol.

Every moment you are well, or improving or "stable" is a true gift to be enjoyed by all.

You seem to be expressing that it's pretty hard work.
YES IT IS.

I think ppl are under the misconception that when we get help, then it's the help doing all the work.
It's the opposite from my own experience.
The help may spend an HOUR with us and we spend the rest of our week, month, year, lives learning how to put those words into practice.
Seeing how that fits, seeing that it doesn't fit lol, finding a deficit then realising it could be our STRENGTHS that need empowering.

Then doing that?
A growth mindset.

You've got this.

Love EMxxxx

[Guest_1643]

Hi Katy,

Does that mean you have finished week 1 of prac?? Well done for attending, starting and being there !!! I am really happy to hear youve been enjoying it!! Would love to hear more about it. Are the ppl nice to talk to? I think that sounds great that they are friendly so far... Bit annoying to have to change to a new coordinator aftr getting used to the old one. Hope u are getting some rest and headspace over the weekend.

I am not vry good at art either, I am very aware of this, and in the little things ppl have said at hospital (which they shouldnt have said!) and how no one ever made a fuss over my art work. I still do it, and put the art up in my space 🙂 I like the stuff with the words for the same reason, it just feels like im communicating, not drawing. and just communicating wth myself. Its okay if no one else likes it

hope ur still making some lovely pictures. I havent heard of the book yuo mentioned, Atomic Habits, is it a NF one? Ive purchased the new book by the actor Ethan Hawke because I likd the red cover, I hope it is good! xx

[Guest_1643]

hi EM

hugs

thank u for echoing so much of what i've learnt and found myself. I dont think therapsts do much.... i feel like we do so much.... a good therapist is just to help me find strength to do my own work. I think the exceptation that they heal us has been a blockage for me.
And then some ppl wander why they continue to see therapists and arent healed. And some therapists promote themselves as heroes and gurus, to have powers that are just not possible for them to have.

My case manager is a great addition... i recently fell between the cracks again re accessing a seervice and i was so so angry about it. i was upset i'd say for 2 days. I couldn't believe it. They led me on, told me to fill in form a, form b, do this, write this etc... I asked what the deadline was... they said there is none, take as long as I want. I sent in the forms. They told me they were a day late.

O.m.g.

I don't know where the anger came from, I couldn't believe it was happening to me again.... and I guess I felt powerless. Just like little me against this big system that honestly could care less.

And i missed out!! But okay... back to square one lol. Theres always missing out, always hiccups.

Sometimes I can improve it... sometimes I can't.

being well feels funny, being unwell has also felt funny. Hopefully this is a better kind of funny - idk!!!

How are u all??? How as the weekend with all these restrictions? Hope that there is some sense of break for u guys over LD

My support group has gone online, and I had a nice online session over the weekend. It is very sparse in a way, as many ppl don't go to these online sessions, and feels different, but I still get access to the ppl who are special to me throughout recovery.

I don't know if my psychiatrist has a clue about these extra things I do, but now that I am case managed we are nearing his territory. He knows about this. Has weird short-hand lingo for the things they do when u are case managed. Hes very interested in this and wants to know who I see there and what they do with me. I think we are both very happy that I am case managed. I'm so excited!!!!!! a very very long time coming.

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

Hi sleepy

I hear you on the expectation that someone else will fix us. I’m sure I was in that mental space for a good decade. I’m not sure at what point I realised it was all on me. Then I sort of thought I couldn’t work on myself with other stuff going on in my life, but that’s not true either. You always gotta be doing the work, because everything is interwoven. Obviously crisis days and time outs are another story, but mostly, just gotta keep on keeping on 🙂

Atomic Habits (book) is about creating micro changes to make a big difference to your life. It was recommended to me, so hope it helps. I have a good feeling about it! I googled your Ethan Hawke book. I presumed it was an autobiography but it’s not. That’s really cool. Let me know what you think.

Prac is going well, but my anxiety hasn’t been obvious so far I don’t think. Mainly because I didn’t go in when I was “unwell”. My anxiety level increased throughout Friday though and got pretty uncomfortable. We had a team meeting and it just felt a bit intense for whatever reason. Just gotta stick at it another eleven weeks eek. Doing my best but. That’s all we can do.

We’ve finally had some awesome weather here this weekend, but I haven’t even got out and enjoyed it. Way too much going on and trying to wrap my head around it all. How’s your weekend been? I hope it’s been calm and at least ok. And no, no one should be commenting negatively on your personal creativity, that’s kinda gross. I’ve still only done the one piece of art but it’s on my dressing table and I see it every day. It really has a lot of meaning for me, and that’s what counts.

oooh I’ve got enough word count left for a funny story! Met an older lady at yoga on the weekend with gorgeous dreadlocks. She told me when she goes to her daughters house she has to hide her hair, because the staffy thinks her dreadies are a tug toy and does a running leap at her head! Ha! Love it! Animals are great 😊

Take care of you, hugs, Katy

[Jstar49]

Hey Sleepy,

I just want to reinforce what you're already saying to yourself (GO YOU!)

Yes, you ARE worth it!

YES! You DO need to put your MH first, becos no-one else knows what you need.

YES! And YAY! I love that you are powering thru the disappointments, and being a real beacon of light for others, both here, and I'm sure, IRL. You just never know who you touch with your courageous example!!!

Sooo glad you have a case worker now! That's the kind of support that will be holistic, and hopefully connect the dots in your life. But I'm also glad that you recognise that no-one else is going to do that healing work. I guess it's the old adage- You can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink......

LOVE the artwork. I reckon just having that strong belief that, if it's important to you, then it's important.......It's worth holding on to. And a good analogy for Mental Health. So often I can get caught up in "What do others think about this..." (thats my Libran indecisiveness showing thru also) BUT so much healthier to know, I like this!!!

Do you know, I read the other day that Vincent Van Gogh (I love his sunflowers!!) never sold a painting in his life! How WOW is that!?! Imagine if he stopped painting becos he thought others didn't like it so it wasn't worth doing??? Blows my mind!

I responded to this on my thread, but correct info re paper- my drawing books that I like to buy are called Visual Art Diaries, and they contain acid free cartridge paper. They work ok for water colours too, as long as it's not too wet. Heaps of sizes, which I like. And not really that expensive, but thats all relative....Depends if one needs food or rent that week I guess.....

Imagine being Van Gogh and spending all that money on paint and canvas, and getting nothing back....

Wow.

Love

J*

[Jstar49]

Hi Sleepy,

I woke up thinking about you, and how you're so sympathetic to the NSW lockdown when Vic has had it so much worse, and particularly for you, being a single person and very reliant on face to face services. I too would find it difficult to do MH therapy via telephone or video link. I found the whole process of going online for studies very offputting and stressful last year, it required a lot of recovery time just to participate in that online environment. I felt much more alienated from my classmates, and many ppl dropped out. So it doesn't surprise me that you're finding it difficult, anyone would.

It's such a difficult thing, this delta variant and how it's affecting us here in Oz. being so accustomed to low case numbers has almost conditioned us to expect that, and to expect zero cases in the community before we open back up again. But the effect upon vulnerable groups- namely elderly and MH, new mothers etc- of the continual isolation would seem to suggest that it may not be the way forward. Our premier has copped a lot of criticism for staying open as long as she has, which allowed it to spread to regional nsw, but I wonder if it's unrealistic expectations on the part of the public.

I feel for you Sleepy! Hang in there!

Your comment re the drama was spot on too- I hadn't considered it, then when we went into lockdown I really noticed it. Haha! I laughed at that picture of ppl flooding out their gates, to go party and hang out with others, and then the next week locked up in iso again. Such a weird way to live, and that in itself must be challenging ppl's sense of stability and continuity. We are creatures of habit, us humans!

Hey if you're interested i watched an interesting netflix doco on Mushrooms- more interesting than it sounds! Check it out, the pics are really cool. My T loved the mushroom with the 'skirt'.

Take care Sleepy,

Love

J*

[Guest_1643]

HI J - thank u so much for that

its amazing to hear ur perspective, somehow ppl tend to get in their own bubble and think about their own state. we're all in survivial mode, its really hard to see further.. thank u for thinking of my situation when u have ur own load to carry and challenges where u guys are... changes are so hard for everyone

today has been WILD on social media and i've been feeling so so broken and frazzled

another 2 weeks of lockdown, I think it is unrealistic, confusing, and harsh, and i'm sorry to say this, I know its in theory a good idea, but i HATE curfews.
It is very triggering for me, this feeling of beig trapped. I dont like that and it took ages to recover after they did that last year. I wander if it's worth it, and if there's another way. I'm sorry in advance if I'm offending those who disgagree. It's okay to disgree, Im just so traumatised and lonely in my apartment. I am scard my mental health cant withstand this again.

J i didnt know ppl dropped out of courses but that makes so much sense, being in person is super cathartic. My psychiatrist isn't big on telehealth, but as a psych I guess he can still see ppl as he's a doctor. He operates throughout this stuff, which I appreciate. Still, it's the psychosocial supports that help me more than any psychiatrist.

The groups, the case management, the hospital stays, the catch ups with ppl, thats where the healing sits for me. I feel really weak and nothing with all this bad news....victoria, how are u surviving this?

my friend told me a (bleak) joke about Vic lockdowns,

whats the hardest part of a snap 3 day Vic lockdown?
The first 2 months.

No one's laughing, though 😞

[Guest_1643]

hi all. big hugs. hi katy, j, em, shell, mm, boudica, mark,all reading... big hugs....

sorry if i missed anyone who has written here ... please know you're in my heart

i've had such a rocky night

my gp is enoucraging me to get on vaccination, which is fine, and ive had a lot of self-blaming thoughts bout stuff i didnt manage to take care of before the lockdowns.

i feel like ive cornered myself a bit with stuff i delayed that i now cant handle

literally i am blaming myself for stuff that no one could've predicted or planned for... typical.

i cant oncentrate much and am so sorry i havent yet go to reply to the messages here, apologies

my mind is like a fuzzball.

alll the lockdwon truamas coming back as i really really hate the curfew. my real nightmare.