Thinking about death.... all the time...

[Guest_1643]

Hi all

I've been struggling for 3 weeks with suicidal thoughts

My new GP is amazing

He tells me to think of suicidal thoughts as a symptom maybe a solution

Could he be right?

Today he assigned someone to give me a call to check in on my safety. I don't think that will happen. I've not received the call.
Small things like this lead to rage, hurt and fear for me.

And so I am left to deal with the thoughts alone.

[Guest_1643]

Hi lovely ppl here 🙂

my saviours... really.

Remmebering EM ur earlier "read twice" saying - it's okay to be okay

i'm okay.

I've had a bad day and someone really pushed my buttons but i'm okay. I remember almost one year ago talking to a trauma psyhologist over the phone (friend of a friend, not so much counselling, as... pointing me in the right direction...)

he told me sort of how it could be- imagine things could be triggering or hard, but its not the end of thee world, imagine u could handle it... and u knew you could handle it (i hope i'm representing him correctly)>

everyone goes through awful things sadly, u can meet someone on the street and they can insult you - strangers could be rough or aggressive, things happen, and they suck, but what if that was it? they just sucked and i kept going?

i feel safe and okay in the moment.

Thats huge.

I've been drawing and my work is so ugly (i'm sorry) but i like it.

I told my therpist/psych the other day how i feel i've failed, failed to escape, failed to move on, failed to have a trauma-less life. He said - mayb the system lt you down. It didn't resonate much at the time, and I didn't really like it, becuse innately i feel responsible for everything. I wnder if i won't always blame myslf, and if i'll understand that its okay tht bad stuff has hapened and that i can still b a worthwhile human.

[ecomama]

Hey Sleepy

That's really amazing you could remember his words JUST at the point you needed them to self-regulate.

Are you gauging how much PROGRESS that is?

I know you might feel like shyte but it's not worse = progress.

Darling Sleepy ALL PEOPLE ARE WORTHWHILE human beings! YOU are too!

Brene talked about the issues with the "productivity equalling self worth" on a Clip the other night to ME lol.
Can't remember much else from that clip... hence I have to RE watch anything a cazillion times.

But I do remember her saying we need to SHIFT that thinking.

Sleeps, you're a good learner.... you learnt exactly what the abusive ppl in your life wanted you to learn.
I won't repeat them bec you outlined them in the post above.

UNlearning these as automatic thoughts is us healing from trauma.

Just as you wouldn't expect a person who'd had a major road accident to get up and walk and cart wheel fast.

Neither do we recover quickly.

Just to be clear, it's NOT okay that bad stuff happened to you!
It will never be okay that ppl abuse ppl.

NO. It's putting all that stuff BACK on the abuser.

But what does the word "recover" mean to you?

Love always
EMxxxx

[Guest_1643]

Hi Em,

it's amazing how the same words can annoy you at the time, and then seep into ur consciousness and mean something different/better much later.

I felt at the time like he was just being nice. When ppl say "it's not your fault," i always push it aside like, they dont know, they wouldn't say that if they knew. ouch. I want to believe those words.

I don't want to feel so GUILTY all the time. The guilt is very overwhelming and i feel like its just mine, my secret, something that separates me from others.

Today did some mindfulness with ACT, it was nice, weird, and good at the same time. Didn't do any art. Might follow up and try and get some watercolor pencils... ive been using textas and oils. AND POSITIVE WORDS

Im wearing pink today - a little oomf. I don't cre much wht i look like either, only once in a blue moon do i care. Its nice though when I make a tiny tiny effort, like painting nails or wearing heels and ppl notice. Is it that easy to be a human?
Just smack on sme lipstick and ur a fully functioning one? if so, sign me up.

[ecomama]

Hey Sleepy, you make me laugh sometimes lol...

Yep! Smack on some PINK lipstick and WEAR some positive words and everything in the entire world will be perfect... not gonna happen. I have a windcheater with OPTIMIST written on it, they didn't sell one with OPTIMISTIC PESSIMIST hahaha.

I think ppl might say something they KNOW to be true and we do too, so they know they don't have to explain it.
But it can feel really dismissive.....

Like what I REALLY think you were asking the psych was "How do I SHIFT this blame from ME to the abuser(s)?" Now that would put him on his tippy toes.
No easy fix for that thinking.

We learnt that thinking thru childhood and had it reinforced as adults too! Hey! Hard work!

When you find a way NOT to feel guilty all the time then write the book and become a TRILLIONAIRE.

I do and have to shirk that thinking all freaking day AND night. So intrusive.
So SNAP.

Working through my thick dark deep "shame forest" with any psych who'll listen or any training psych - anyone lol... has helped lessen the shame.
But everyone has SHAME.

See you over in my loungeroom lol.
I only popped in and went to yours first!
Dinner's in the oven!

Love EMxxxx

[Jstar49]

Hey sleepy,

I think you mite be onto something there.
This is just my take on it tho, atm.
Sometimes, so much of life is going thru the motions. Sure we all want wonderful lives, but truth is, there’s a bit of shyte, and a lot of ordinary in everyone’s lives.
Ive noticed for me, that my melancholic tendencies can hijack a perfectly ordinary day, and start me thinking negative thoughts until my day goes from ordinary to horrible! Self fulfilling prophecy I think it’s called.
Yes, we need to recognise and name trauma, and give some of our time to recovering, whatever that looks like.
But maybe too, we have to start thinking in ways which shifts us out of that well worn groove of negativity and pessimism.
And maybe one small way of doing that is to put on some pink lipstick! It’s a self respect thing too- when we respect ourselves we look after ourselves. When we look after ourselves and be nice to ourselves, we respect ourselves more.
It’s the onwards and upwards spiral! ( thanks Em;)

Sleepy, I’m so proud of you. Even on a not very good day, you’re ok. And that’s awesome!

Cheers,

J*

[Guest_1643]

Hi all -

The guilt feelings, enormous and endless but okay - i like the okay part!!

i used tot hink i was keeping myself safe by blaming myself - "training" myself to be bettr so it wouldn't happen again. I always forget how responsible others are for their actions - good and bad.
Also even if I see a counsellor, and they'r bad, i'd blame myself. I want to just lean in a bit - and let them DO THEIR JOB lol that they are PAID for... its not my job to mak them a good counsellor.

I sometimes come in with whole lists of topics to discuss, still very useful and i still do it - but its also to make sure they dont MISS anything. and i want to trust that they will know wht to do without the nudge. it's hard.

[Guest_1643]

hi everyone!

another lockdown here for us, nervy nd anxious myself and have been unable to even choose a show to wtch, so much stress!

I've settled in to watch Succession for the time being...

this lockdown time is very hard mentally as this ws totally unexpected... so scary

i've been doing art lately, trying to focus on one thing at a time. i dont really have a person to be my bubble buddy which is frustrating as it means i'm so limited in where i can go. i just try and reach out as i can to who is available nd the MH services that still operate

i've called a local health service which offers free counselling appts (a few sessions) ... i called them weeks ago and they have now processed my application, i got a lovely feeling from the woman over the phone, which is reassuring. i wasn't sure i'd bother with it but think now it's good idea. I try everything once lol. I'll give any organistion a try once, nd if its awful, its awful, and i don't go back. But i'm open enough for one session. And the social worker's warmth on the phone was a good start! how is everyone??

sending warmth and a little actual physical warmth to u EM as ur heater hasn't been working!!! darnit!!

much love to everyone. hope ur art is going well J. have you been making anything?? xo

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

Hi Sleepy

Sorry I haven’t been around this week, sounds like it’s been a tough one for you. I’m so glad you’re terrifically resourceful, given you’re in lockdown again.

Ive been on prac and enjoying it. One of my jobs will be to update the directory with all the local services we can refer clients to. That will help me learn what’s out there, so that’s really cool.

Hope you’re keeping ok and managing to stay in touch with people and find nice things to do. I’m in bed super early and going to watch junk tv 😁

Hugs, Katy

[ecomama]

Hey Sleepy, I'm so happy you found a Counselling service that you felt good about. That's a really special thing!

Look at you Miss Perseverance lol!!

I'm REALLY proud of you Sleepy!!
I hope the exact same warm feeling follows you through.

I hear you about not being able to watch anything lately... I could ONLY rewatch pimple popping, like REwatch ones, no new ones. No shows. NOT anything new, no way.
It was like my brain couldn't cope or something. What IS that? Is it triggering? Then issues with synapse connection or something?
IDK but next time I see my Chiro I'm gonna ask him.
He's my buddy in love with Dr Joe too lol.

What's Succession about?

I need to tell you that Alexa said I had to watch Fantastic Fungi or something like that.
Apparently it has a potential for a paradigm shift in thinking.
Maybe next weekend for me.
I'm so sad when I disturb awesome looking fungi in my garden 😞
SAD.
Just something else to feel sad about I guess?

Are any Churches or other orgs delivering free Food Hampers now around you?

Thanks for your warmth for us lol yep ZERO heating and it's COLD.
Too expensive for a new one. To fix the old one is WOAH too expensive too and no fixed price either, so yeah.
SO the kids are taking more work shifts lol, I'm just double, triple and quadruple layering all over to do my Zoom meetings and broadcasts. I leave PJs on the bottom half most days lol.

Love that you feel good about the Counselling agency.
I Pray you're matched with one as good for you as mine is for me.

EMxxxx

[Guest_1643]

hi Em and Katy, thank u so much for ur check ins here,x