Thinking about death.... all the time...

[Guest_1643]

Hi all

I've been struggling for 3 weeks with suicidal thoughts

My new GP is amazing

He tells me to think of suicidal thoughts as a symptom maybe a solution

Could he be right?

Today he assigned someone to give me a call to check in on my safety. I don't think that will happen. I've not received the call.
Small things like this lead to rage, hurt and fear for me.

And so I am left to deal with the thoughts alone.

[Jstar49]

Hey Sleepy,

Gee I know that flat feeling. It's nice when you can acknowledge it and still do something nice, like make a hot choc. The energy to do more will come!

I found my crayons- oil pastels they're called, but not like the chalk pastels, altho I did think about using them when I couldn't find the others. haven't yet sat down to draw- always something else I have to do. My work has been cut back with covid restrictions in NSW but not many free days, unfortunately. I'm losing track a lot!

I do like to find my art supply places Sleepy. It's pretty good around here becos being an area of high unemployment, they're a lot of creative types/artists....funny how that works.

Better get off this chair and get off to work- I'm getting too comfortable!

Good luck with the neighbour.

Shell your comment about making friends (altho you seem to be so friendly I think you know how to make friends...) reminded me of a comment someone made once, when my eldest was small. Apparently, the way to make friends is to stand on the outside for a while watching and waiting for the signals to join and be included. I hadn't known this, hence I remembered it. Not sure that I do it very well, I still just jump in boots and all..... hmmm....

Cheers,

J*

[Guest_1643]

hi all

ive been busy getting some mental health support and processing my application for NDIS funding, and also trying to link in to case management

saw my psychiatrist who is nice but i left feeling flat

i've been drawing using oil pastels and it is my joy!! love it. I did enjoy water color too.

we learnt about journalling a word - like u descibe something from ur day using a word, and then paint round the word, seeing as it will be something u are going to look at daily, the art therapy person said i should maybe rethink my first word choice (trauma....) and i settled on something soothing. And put it somewhere on my page and painted it out in colors and shapes and fragments - fun!!!

Ppl keep telling me i'm doing well - guess what i'm doing that is so well - painted my nails, brushed my hair, put on heels?! This stuff makes me sad, because if someone has, for example, nice make up and a great outfit, they assume they're doing well. It says a lot, like how do we expect ppl to "manifest" depression or anxiety? Sometmes it looks from the outside like a happy, okay person.

[ecomama]

Hey sweet Sleepy!

omg as I read your last post, I was thinking "don't put a yucky word!" and then you said trauma and I giggled only because Thank God your Art therapist gently persuaded you to change it.
Omg Sleepy.... you're gorgeous 🙂 Hugs.

Art - pastels, water colours resonate on a soul level with you.
I'm so glad you're accessing those calm vibrations that this time doing Art is giving you.
Calm peace gentleness.

Your personality in a nutshell.

Then we FEEL we have to "wear the armour" to venture in to the outside world WHERE wearing a few things on our OUTER flesh suit seems to do the trick!
EVERYONE thinks we're all fine again.

I know, it's frustrating.
BUT there are ppl who have the PRIVILEGE to know the TRUTH of what's really going on inside you.
And the ppl outside that boundary don't.

If they want to think you're doing well, whatevs.

It's US and your therapists and whomever else YOU CHOOSE to share with, that really know - Only the people who have your back.
And that's OKAY!
In fact it's a healthy sign of your increasing wellbeing.

SO the opposite is someone we barely know, sharing all their trials with us first meeting.
Or US sharing everything in same sitch. I've done it when I was totally blindly reactive and PTSD triggering!
My shop had THE BEST counter therapists lol!
They even ask now how I'm doing lol.
Darling girls.

Beginning to heal can seem "wobbly".
I saw this as a Staircase with a slippery slope on the side - hmmm.
I tried to CEMENT each step, get really practiced at it. Forgave myself immediately and self soothed when I slipped. Mostly hahaha.

I want to do some art and if I can FIND water colours I WILL. Or it's a trip to Officeworks lol.

My words:

BEAUTY

GRACE

(I'll shirk Mercy lol ummm)

GRATITUDE

OPENNESS

JOY!

BLISS!

CREATIVITY

Happiness.

I got carried away lol.

Beautiful therapy.

Congratulations!

Love always EMxxxx

[Guest_1643]

hi Em, how ar you going, getting up to much gardening? still no walks? still beautiful layers and keeping warm. Stay tight. hugs.

I'm really happy with the art therapy and that session was amazing a while back, and I keep in my loungeroom my painting. I prefer the watr colors that u have, the pencils which you add water to, they are fun to use and flexible.

Some days i'm aware i'm very bad at art. i can't do mindful coloring and stay in the lines. but i like drawing freely, particularly people.

Particularly girls. Always have. How ar eu doing over the lockdown? Are u all okay with it - is thre an end in sight? these times ar hard. Today was the first day I really was able to go into shops and places for a while and it was enjoyable.

Hi J i hope u've been loving art ... ur suggstion rings true to me about friendship. It's interesting also to observe how little kids make friends. Th skill to ask to join in.

It's hard as an adult sometimes to ask to join in.

Hi Shelll, i'd love to share a tea wth u today as well. i'm going decaf, u?

[ecomama]

Hi Sleepy!

I'm not doing so well. Deep triggers this week, triggered more by my thread tbh.... self soothing right now by pimple popping clips on my phone ABOVE your thread lol.

Work sucks. Am I allowed to say that? Lol it does.
None of my clients though!! They're beautiful.
Colleagues etc. Grrrr.
Some ppl....

You can use the phrase "playing with art" if you want to. I didn't copyright that lol. We don't have to do anything perfectly when it comes to art OR anything else.
Just the doing of it can be all we need, IDK what do you think?

I'm sure your girls are beautiful and I'm impressed that you can create art of PEOPLE.
That's really clever Sleepy.

The worst things about LD (for us) are my work going nuts and p.son's Year 12 being all wobbly and unpredictable. Some ppl around us are getting extremely emotionally charged - that bothers me.

BEYOND all that... ie when I'm / we're all back to work at MY work and after the HSC, I hope things will be better.

Yvette loves LD to bits. Although I think we've hit the awful teen stuff with her... thought we'd avoided it, ugh!

I used to love doing watercolour paintings for my Dream Folder.
Since I've changed rooms, I haven't looked for my Dream Folder lol.
I know where the wc pencils are and have you seen these really cool artline textas that leave a SILVER border?
Next level awesome Sleeps lol.

I LOVE to look at those Mindfulness colouring in sheets but I can't keep inside the lines either, they are just too fine. Pretty annoying.
I saw a Winter one at Coles that seemed pretty BIG in the spaces to colour.

I'm pretty much a person who NEEDS a purpose to do an activity.
So I might have to write a Quote I love in the centre or something, IDK.

I AM going for a walk tomorrow with my very shawn poodle lol AND my friend who now lives alone.
Earlier than last Sunday. I hope my wobbles can be walked OUT.
Thankyou for asking lol.

I'm glad you got to visit the shops and enjoyed it!
What did you buy huh huh??? I'm like a dog that needs a retail therapy TREAT hahaha.
Even our KMart, Spotlight and pretty much LOTS is shut down atm.

I need to take up p.son's school pants with "invisible stitching" now... I don't have the GREY coloured cotton that matches them, yikes.

Always lovely to connect with you Sleepy
Love EMxxxx

[Guest_1643]

hi EM

hope ur okay and getting some rest and calm in this difficult and stressfl time... LDs have challenges that are so intense i have mentally blockd out how bad it can get. i hear u . I'm so chuffed that Yvette enjoys them, though! thats beautiful she can get some space. How did she go bowling with her new friend (did i remember the activity right?)

I've been thinking a lot about new friends, thanks to everyone for their input on that. I'm so good at superficial chat but dont know how to let ppl in more than that. Or who to pick for it. I hope that's changing. I get so upset at myself wen I stuff it up, open up to the wrong person...

My friend told me she doesn't trust a certain person, and it affected me, made me not trust them, (the words she used was she doesn't feel safe around them)... I don't feel that way, but I don't know wether to trust my brain or her words.

writing on the walls excites me a little tbh but writing on paper with words appeals to me for the same reason - a goal. Working without a goal to me, even drawing without a goal, feels untethered and scary.

Hope u are getting some rest and doing okay. xx

[Jstar49]

Hi Sleepy, and hi Em, and all,

I LOVED reading about your art experiences Sleepy. EMs right- pls don’t allow yourself to get judgemental about art. Having a playful approach seems much healthier. I’m reminded of kids, before they get perfectionist. They don’t care, they just do it. They don’t say, I can’t draw flowers. They say, look at my pretty flower!

and then they explain the whole picture to you so you can see it too.
I did get some drawing in! I was so pleased! Watching Lord of the Rings and drawing with my new oil pastels.

I love those watercolour pencils too.

And watercolours are so lovely to play with. The way they bleed into each other and the paper.
Talking about art in this way inspires me to do more, and not for the outcome, but for the process .

Em your words, and that beautiful drawing idea of Sleepys, inspires me too. In my mood today, it seems a good thing to meditate upon a lovely word like Grace. Or maybe- balance. Equilibrium!

True.
Learning.
Amazing.

Sleepy it is hard as an adult to find a good way to be included. And maybe we all develop different ways. I tend to be a helper. I make myself useful. I find it challenging and vulnerable to be friends and not be needed. Huh! Have a guess what sort of friends I make?! Yep, ones that need my help!

Having a common interest is also a nice way to start to get to know someone. My kids soccer games have been great for that. We’re all there for our kids, and some natural connections are made. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t.

I guess it’s like that here at BB too. We’re all here for a common reason, an interest in our MH- or someone else’s. And within that, connections emerge. We find our ppl. 😊

cheers,

J*

[Guest_1643]

hi all

art is so helpful and healing

and so is nature and so are tv shows and movies that are in diff worlds.. for me 🙂

ive had a lot of anxiety today and been fixated on things, so stressed and overwhelm.

i think feeling a little untrusting with the ppl raoudn me. it makes my life harder. i second guess attempts to connect and need conditions to be met. i took some time out today for myself, (here, and just hanging in the sunshine) befor dealing with ppl as i dont know if i can do it today.

things have been okay overalll, but this weekend has been blah. i've been hard on myself and have had tonnes of flashbacks.

sending love and healing and oil pastels and wateer color pencils to all. i'd love to hear what u have drawn?!

thanks J u are right its honestly about scribbles on paper (Look, a tree!!)

i'm just a little aware tht im not as "good" as others but some parts of it im okay at, and it heals me which is more imporant for me now. I think art is for everyone.

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

Hi Sleepy

Well done on taking time for self care. Totally ok if you can’t “do people” today.

I just popped in to your thread to express my appreciation for the suggestion of art therapy. I bought some crayons yesterday and I ve just done my first piece of awful amazing art. Awful because I’m not artistic. Amazing because so what lol. I liked the idea of drawing around a word, so i chose opportunity. Now that I think about it, the symbols I drew around it all have meaning too. I didn’t really think about it as I was drawing. Interesting.

Thankyou for sharing the idea ♥️

[ecomama]

Hi Sleepy, J* Katy and beautiful others

No art, I ate (which is good!), went to sleep. Woke at 4am, called 2 helplines. Went for a walk with my friend and my poodle who got an injury - he's a POODLE right?
Then came home, went to bed.

I have lots of furniture to move around this afternoon.
The camera will be filming me every day this week ON THE BALCONY.

Yes! Bowling you remembered well! That suggestion was 4 weeks ago DURING lock down, we're still in LD so it can't happen. Everything's closed. Hope it stays in the pipeline for Yvette lol.

"Friendships": lots I've learned as I'm SURE others here have too!!! Oh yeah!
I take on what J* says... back to that later lol.

I wrote a lot then deleted it lol.

Basically "like attracts like".
We have to "check" our energy emanating out from us.

I think different people EXPECT different things from the ppl around them. It's important to be as understanding with others as WE would others to be of us.
But there isn't always that "balance".

"The Celestine Prophecies" speak of this energy between 2 people.
When it's AWESOME then it's a synergy between 2 or more people and THAT is enlightening!

Yes J*, I was like that a while back.
Copied and pasted from the role in my family; the helper, the rescuer etc.

Not any more lol. I WANT and expect friendships that have synergy. Some come and go quickly. Some have lasted 10 or 20y then ended!

I met some friends at 9yo, that intermittently had re-contact throughout my life in subtle gentle important ways... now BOOM a synergy is there!

Quality over quantity every time.

"Never ever ever give up" Winston Churchill.

Sleepy, Alexa said to me 4 weeks ago "Mum I'm SO worried that I'm never ever going to meet any different people!" I said "Like NEVER? ok! Why, because the sectors of your life are so insular? what is it?" and she said YES and went into detail.

I said THINK ABOUT THE TYPE of friend(s) you would really like right now....
she listed some qualities she wanted....
Now PUT THAT ENERGY OUT...because THOSE ppl are waiting for you too!

She did.
1 week later she all of a sudden SAW the NDIS worker who's picked up stuff from her for a year! Spoken with etc.
She asked me if she should ask him for a coffee in a Cafe?
GO FOR IT.

B4 she had the chance, HE ASKED to go for a Litter collecting walk in the bush like she does every week!

That was their "first date" as it went. He seems pretty great so far lol. She's taking it slow.

Love EMxxxx