Thinking about death.... all the time...

[Guest_1643]

Hi all

I've been struggling for 3 weeks with suicidal thoughts

My new GP is amazing

He tells me to think of suicidal thoughts as a symptom maybe a solution

Could he be right?

Today he assigned someone to give me a call to check in on my safety. I don't think that will happen. I've not received the call.
Small things like this lead to rage, hurt and fear for me.

And so I am left to deal with the thoughts alone.

[Jstar49]

Hey Sleepy, and hi Golden 🙂

That's nice that the crayons idea resonates with you and that Golden enjoys it too.
Im feeling like today mite be a good day for me to find mine!
I like the oil crayons- they have a different, more rich and colourful texture on the page to many cheap wax crayons. Still cheap tho.

Sleepy that’s lovely that you mite have a connection with a nice neighbour! Perhaps she is feeling isolated too.
It def is hard when it feels like the majority of ppl around are busy with their own ppl. I can so relate. And thinking about it, my times of poor MH coincide with feeling lonely and isolated. What comes first, the chicken or the egg? My d says the chicken, cos god wouldn’t leave a little egg/ chick on it’s own with no one to look after it lol!!!
Perhaps we can get thru most things with good support. And perhaps tough times erodes our social networks even more.
My friend would say that it’s in the tough times that you find out who your friends really are.
I think that’s when I find out I really don’t have many true friends!
Sometimes, I find that social interactions bring out my anxiety and those low self esteem beliefs about myself, and that makes me not want to be around ppl, which makes the whole spiral go downwards!
Today is one of those struggle days, for me. Just reminding myself to be gentle and do nice things. It’s low tide around 3 so I’m planning a walk on the beach. That usually helps. And I’m going to get dressed now and find those crayons!
Hope today is a good day for you Sleepy,

Cheers,

J*

[Guest_1055]

Hi all,

Sleepy, I was thinking of you so thought I would pop in for a visit. If you will have me and if its a good time for you. I bought a new herbal tea for us to try if you would care for some and also ingredients to make hot chocolates. It's just a virtual hangout really.

[Guest_1643]

hi J!

Hi Golden, Boudica, Shelll, Matchy, Katy, EM and everyone who reads!

I found some pencils around the place but must get some crayons. How did you go with urs J? I'm sure you made some awesome art. I remember u describing ur perfect color combos for ur clothes, I saw someone today who reminded me of that. I did a double take, she was dressed so well, and how she managed to pull of such bright colors and materials... loved it. There was definitely some silver, and definitely some orange.

I've also noticed ppl are wearing open toed shoed again - brave! I'm freezing!

Im feeling a little overwhelmed, this week things seem to be lining up, possible exit from lockdown, and other things. But i'm really tired... I don't have any ppl around me within 5 k at all. I know a few ppl in the area and thought of asking them for help with a few things but i dont even know how. That's my own schemas of neglect and feeling like the answer will be no.

My neighbour was really nice to check in on me, she also lives alone. I guess it is risky sometimes to reach out to strangers, you dont know if they will be open to it or take it the wrong way. But maybe worth the risk?

My old high school friend has been a lot in touch and its really nice. We know each other well. I was going to a mindfulness group but have dropped out of that, and am now hoping to get some different kinds of support through funding from govt.

Some of the support will be given to me, some will require that I reach out to them. And good ol' psyhiatrist is still around, hopefully remembering which patient i am. hopefully.

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

Hi Sleepy

Great to hear you may be coming out of lockdown.

I guess there’s always risk in being vulnerable, but there’s potential for reward too. I think it’s harder when we’re sensitive to put ourselves out there though. I hope you can get whatever help it is you need. Your neighbour sounds lovely. Do you think you could be a source of support for each other?

I’m so excited about this crayon idea you’re all talking about lol. I want to buy some and some butchers paper - where can you buy that? (Please don’t say from the butcher! Lol). Lying on the floor drawing sounds like it would be so soothing…

hugs, Katy

[Guest_1643]

hey Shelll, I really would love a herbal tea and hot chocolate,

it would b so soothing and calming to enjoy that drink , which u so kindly brought into this little corner of the threads.

I have really good memories and associations with herbal teas, but hate drinking them alone, will you have one also?

[Guest_1643]

Hi Katy

I have not even a tiny idea where to buy butcher paper... but i am excited thinking about it!!!

Crayons seem better than pencils. Anyone here into gel pens? Glitter? Healing through glitter?!??

My neighbour and i are texting a little today as I asked how she's feeling with Vic entering lockdown. She was happy to text back, that was nice. Great idea Katy and its nice to pick up and source support..... it is risky but i hope it leads to feeling a little cozier around my apartment to have at least one nice neighbor

[Jstar49]

Hi all...wave!

So, I went looking for my crayons, and didn’t find them. Found instead a skirt I’d made which I suddenly saw needed improvements, while my coffee went cold and forgotten Lol!

I mite be popping off down to the newsagency to buy some more- as soon as I feel I can leave the house! Times like these I would LOVE an invisibility cloak- I don’t feel like dressing or seeing ppl. After so long of feeling quite ‘normal’ and in control, I’m suddenly needing to pull together all my resources and practice all my skills so I don’t fall any further into this black hole. It’s amazing how small things can trigger major not coping moments!

butchers paper....hmmm. Tbh I am too precious about any artwork I create, even if it’s therapeutic. So I like art books. There’s a lot of options around here. My newsagents is good, they have a great range of student supplies. There’s an art supply shop in the next town, which is always nice for a browse. Or a couple of ‘cheap’shops which sell affordable art supplies.
I like to keep my pics together, or sometimes put one up somewhere, even if it’s just for me. And the book helps to give a solid surface. I’m sure an art supply shop would sell butchers paper tho, or maybe offfice supplies.
But first I have to find crayons! I don’t think I’m up to any painting atm.
Loving this chat btw....😎

J*

[Guest_1643]

Hi J !

It sounds like you have fun sourcing cool art supplies!

i hope you get to find some crayons and enjoy ur creativity! it sounds so inspiring and healing.
I get that about books.... i love books too. I love buying them even more, journals particularly. I like choosing the colours and designs.

i think art therpay is powerful. Sometimes even more powerful than talk therapy. good luck on the art journies, lovely ppl!!!

[Guest_1055]

Hi all,

I too like the idea of sprawling out on the floor with butchers paper and some crayons. Or maybe even getting some of that thick chalk and drawing on the concrete driveway.

I believe office Works sells butchers paper.

Sleepy I don't know how friendships start or work, but your neighbour sounds like she may want to be yours.

And very happy to steep and sip on a herbal tea with you

[Guest_1643]

Hi Shelll

hot drinks tonight for all, hope they are soothing and wariming

i'm very flat tonight, but have been sipping hot chocolate

theres a stormy wind blowing outside very loudly, and i've been feeling a bit sick and tired. I cannot manage my house at the moment with lockdowns and winter, there are clothes everywhere

I bought some storage for them but haven't assembled yet.... too tired.

I hope I will remain friendly with the neighbour, she is very sweet. She's always offering kind thngs to help. Living alone during lockdowns hasn't been the most fun, but i'm owning it now, which is better. I know i'm not the only one who has found that prt of this all very tough.