Thinking about death.... all the time...

[Guest_1643]

Hi all

I've been struggling for 3 weeks with suicidal thoughts

My new GP is amazing

He tells me to think of suicidal thoughts as a symptom maybe a solution

Could he be right?

Today he assigned someone to give me a call to check in on my safety. I don't think that will happen. I've not received the call.
Small things like this lead to rage, hurt and fear for me.

And so I am left to deal with the thoughts alone.

[Guest_1643]

hi mark, that's very young for her to be in charge of the whole practise and for a woman, being in her 30s! go her!

i can guess ppl's ages generally but i guess wth my doctr because a few years would make a difference ie if he's my age or older. If he's worked for 10 years he could still be my age if he started there young but who knows. I know what you mean about liking the cold, it can be refreshing, but past a certain point i feel like i'm living in a refridgerater.

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

Hi Sleepy, Mark, all

My GP is really young (well, she looks it). But she's also amazing and I really trust her and can talk to her easily. It's so important to find a good GP, I think. She just seems to "get" mental health and I saw her alot when I was really struggling, and I'm so glad I had her there. Some GP's are terrible when it comes to mental health.

We had such amazing weather here today. It always seems to be that way before really crap weather rolls in, as is the case with storms forecast for a week starting tomorrow. Drats! It also got super cold quickly and an electric blanket sounds heavenly! I love that it turns itself off - that's very cool 🙂

I hope you've had a nice or at least ok day today, with something that made you smile and feel a little bit good. Sending kind thoughts your way, Katy

[Guest_1643]

hi Katy,

how was ur day today, a little bit of sunshine for u and ur Storm? do u have other pets beyond storm and the cats? It would be nice during winter to have some fluffy friends around, they are so soothing.

Tbh i think it's lovely having a young GP - they can be so much more modern.

Here was ice cold today, the kinda that hits you straight as u enter it, really horrible

i would love to ask my dr his age and it has become a bit of an obsession for me...

[ecomama]

Hi Sleepy!

Did the electric blanket help?
IDK how I survived without one for all these years lol... oh yeah hot water bottles lol.

I think a cute little cat would do wonders for you. Drive you crazy at times too but their antics are humorous if they pee in the right place lol.
I love how kittens are so playful with a simple ball of wool or we made pompoms for our cat when he was a kitten, he loved them.

I got a cardboard Scratch Mat from the dollar shop for $3 (liars lol) but wow, it's awesome!
The cat stopped scratching our lounge then!
I put it exactly where he was scratching, then slowly moved it to his special window table.

He has to have high tables now bec our dog wants to eat him lol. He holds his own though when he's cornered.

It's funny about people's ages hahaha. Sometimes we're pleasantly surprised at what a younger physician is like.
Alexa wanted an older psych who may have "seen" alot.
She ended up with one just a tad older than her and was sceptical, and they really gelled!
She's flexible, has been able to settle Alexa's anxiety over so many things in 2 sessions!

I don't ask specifics ofcourse, just how she went in her session, that's all.
Last session, the psych cleared Alexa of the multitudes of self-diagnoses Alexa had put on herself which was funny actually!
I know I'm not qualified but with all the stuff Alexa's ex said to her, yah that thing again, she started to believe it.
I kept saying she was fine, but seriously what would I know and I mean that! LOL!

Eventually I just said things like, "well I see why you're saying that but darling it'd be better if someone ELSE diagnosed you..." kind of stuff.

Her psych also laid to rest Alexa's anxiety over doing Psychology and needing to SEE a Psych herself! Her psych laughed and said "Oh we ALL see psychs!" I wish that were true.
Maybe the "good" ones do?

I like their relationship. It's supportive but not authoritarian. Awesome.

You know my saying about families, Sleepy... some times they can be a different f word.
It's a difficult balance between knowing if and when they're harmful to us, what to do when they are... and our sadness of being "out" of the family.

Wish there was a middle ground!

I'm the 1st one to go NC with mine and I still ponder over it all.
It's completely fallen apart anyway, so there's not much to ponder now.

Love EMxxxx

[Guest_1643]

unfortunately have had a very triggering day, lsat night bumped into someone from my past ( they didn't see me) and today in ALDI lo and behold a very traumatic person who I was friends with for a few years and to be ohnest found to have some pretty not-nice traits

She dumped me as a friend for not attending her birthday party as I was mentally ill and at risk. Sh told me to pull my socks up blah blah blah but it had been more of a social friendship really related to parties and "going out" which suddenly I stoppd being able to do when I became suicidal. It wasn't about the birthday etc.... It was what it was. A few weeks later she was contacting me to go to an event with her. I went. Then a few weeks later again, same same. Then a few weeks later she told me she was still upset about the birthday and the friendship was over. She was always in different fights with ppl, I think she expected I'd grovel and we'd make up but I just moved on. Maybe the beginning of a certain kind of healing for me. Learning to say "no." i've spent so much time in my life apologising to abusive ppl for things i never did, and that's probably what I would've done in this case, grovelled, felt horrible for missing her birthday etc etc etc. To be fair it was an enomorus house party with two hundred ppl, so my prescence there wasn't abotu meaning.

There she was in ALDI.

The weekend was pretty rough but it's over, I'm hoping for a better week and good news for all.

[Guest_1643]

hey EM
cats are adorable and amusing! my fear is (my anxious brain talking) that i'll not "gel" with my cat.

A friends cat was so loving to me and cuddly, I never knew cats could be that way. The cat was needy and constantly wanting to be as close as possibel to me. I like that. I don't want a stand-offish cat, tht we'll just look at each other and think "nah."

Tbh I don't find the electric blanket so helpful. It makes the bed warm but then it becomes too hot, while the air is frozen, and i can't get the temperature quite right. It's nice, but I'm not used to them as I never grew up with them. Ill try maybe that AND the hot water bottle (or two?!) and maybe some wool socks?? I'd not last a day in a mountain climate, I can't quite get it right.

Hats off to Alexa for seeking MH help, DEFINITELY think the bst ones do.

Tbh I asked mine if he'd had therapy and he said "no" and I was a bt disappointed. some say they'd only want to see a psych who had seen their own therapist!! It makes them more empathetic!

Also it shows you really believe in working on urself, which goes a long way - when ur telling patients to do just that! Although sadly there is stigma 😞

In victoria there is an org called the VDHP which specifically matches medical professionals with therapy..which is cool. It seems like Alexa is a smart yuong woman also, having found a therapist who she can have such an open dialogue with. That's rare, in my opinion.

Sending love and good food and freshly heated hot water bottles x

[ecomama]

OH YEAH SO RARE!

Such an air of arrogance felt at times.
Alexa's psych is really grounded and even openly admitted whilst A was talking about issues with me (mostly in the past thank God!) that she was needing to constantly check herself as some things A was saying actually triggered her about her OWN mum.

Alexa had a LOT of growing up to do.
In fact she finds it difficult to believe that the younger children don't share her issues with me, she once had.
When she's pressed them on it, they've said Nup.

So that's why she turned inwards to look at her own reactions and behaviours.
In saying this, we ALL went thru terrible traumas and A being older "saw" more.

But A is going with Schema Therapy with her psych beginning soon.
I think this is AWESOME therapy for any of us struggling with "life".

Sleepy about the pet... I think if you got a kitten, then they grow up getting to know you.
It's far more likely they'll gel with your ways.
Our cat was SO small when we got him but had feistiness in him that was mental lol.
He's now matured to a VERY protective border controller lol but LOVES sleeping on Mama's bed every night and loves mama cuddles the most.
All those years when I was terribly ill from what demon was doing to my system, cat would sleep with me. He was always just there, keeping my feet warm as I slept on the lounge. He was the most beautiful company.

If it's just YOU and the cat, then there's no one else for the cat to get attached to. They're smart creatures, they know who feeds them lol!

That's an insight into your psych I'd say. I've noticed the nicest psychs and counsellors DO have their own MH support. My Counsellor meets regularly with her Head Psych plus she's in a sharing circle with other Counsellors who also work with women who've left DV. My C just reapplied for funding to keep seeing me for no cost. She's an Angel really.

Have you been able to listen to any of Brene Brown's podcast episodes?
I found the one with Edith someone I think was AMAZING.
I would like to get her books. A concentration camp survivor as a young girl then studied and worked in the U.S. ever since, mostly in Women's Shelters. Talk about knowing trauma! She's seen it from so many sides.
She was so humble and graceful too. Much like you Sleepy.

Hope you can have a listen one day.
I'm into pimple popping vids atm lol!

Love EMxxxx

[Guest_1643]

hi EM!

schema therapy - i've done a bit of it! It was great! I did this written test, and it came up with some of the schema's i fell into (related to neglect/abuse...)!

Hope it works well for her - there are so many great things out there now. How is P.son organising everything for his move?

I can understand and appreciate what ur saying about Alexa being older and seein more. Hard. As a therapist herself (to be) I think it sounds like she can have a great therapeutic experience herself with the pscyh. Collaborate! It's really the only way therapy works. I can't believe there are still certain branches of mental health that are paternalistic, 'guru' like, where the therapist/psychiatrist tells the patient to basically ignore their gut, and follow the therapist blindly. It doesn't work, and it harms. Most psychitrists are still older men, and when u look at those that are recognised the most.... honestly.... bunch of oddballs at times. I wish the whole industry could a big "oomf" and got with the program. It's 2021.

i like my psychiatrist/therapist. He's a real whiz with the system and with medecine and seems suited to his role. Sensitive-type. I sometimes feel anxious (always feel anxious) that i'll stuff things up, somehow, I really want to get well, and it's so confusing how to go about it. Even choosing the therapist (and not choosing other ones) was hard.

I saw a psychologist for a few months last year nad I knew it wasn't helpful but he was nice enough, so I just continued. I think the clincher was when i went to hospital and I wanted him to support me going there or liase with the team, as my support person, and he didn't, that I realised he wasn't for me.

Then I saw a social worker and she was amazing at her job but we didn't click so well, and I started seeing psychiatrist. I thought I'd see both but psychiatrist did more counselling/therapy, so I ditched the social worker and went just with him. Maybe I did stuff it up, I'll never know. I'm alone in this one, don't have anyone around me who knows the slightest thing about Mental Health and just my trauma brain trying to judge as best as I can.

But I tell myself I can't stuff it up, I just do the best I can, listen to my heart, and jump. It's all I can do. I can't predict. I want to make sure everything is good forever, but I can't be sure. I can just listen to my heart. And jump.

[Guest_1643]

reread my comment, sorry, don't have anyone PHYSICALLY NEAR ME who knows about mental healtha dn am physically alone most of the time - but I have u all!

didn't mean to underrate that or sound cold.

u guys are very real to me as my supportive BB family.

[Matchy69]

Hi sleepy I am the same I have no friends or anyone near me apart from my two kids.It is lonely when you do want that company for a friend.This is only place I talk to people about anything from mental health issues I am having to every day parts of my life.I wouldn't want to see this site loose that personal aspect of it as lonelyness is one of the biggest on here.

Take care,

Mark.