Thinking about death.... all the time...

[Guest_1643]

Hi all

I've been struggling for 3 weeks with suicidal thoughts

My new GP is amazing

He tells me to think of suicidal thoughts as a symptom maybe a solution

Could he be right?

Today he assigned someone to give me a call to check in on my safety. I don't think that will happen. I've not received the call.
Small things like this lead to rage, hurt and fear for me.

And so I am left to deal with the thoughts alone.

[Jstar49]

Hi Sleepy,

Oh you're so sweet! Big cuddles!

I guess I have learnt heaps, and you are too, I can read that in your posts.

I struggle with that whole idea of, we learn stuff so that we can help others. But for me, it's been true. And the pain of going thru difficult times HAS given me an ability, I think, to sit with others in their pain, and lots of random bits and pieces floating around in my brain which might be useful or helpful to someone else. It's hard sometimes, being the one who struggles, when we can see others apparently sailing thru in life. But I don't think anyone gets away with it scot free. There is too much in our movies and literature which tells stories of struggle times. Even our history books back it up.

Life is pain! ( I think thats a line from a movie...?)

It doesn't mean we have to live in pain constantly, becos life is also beautiful and surprising and delicious! Making love, eating something divinely delicious, a moment in nature that takes our breath away and connects us with the divine, A hug from my child as she uses my body to absorb her pain and confusion.

It's the yin yang. Can't have light without the dark. Cannot know joy without the dark places which give it meaning. Can't have a mountain with a valley.

Love to you, Sleepy,

J*

[Guest_1055]

Yes I do remember the puffer jacket with the let loose feathers Sleepy. If I could get you another, I would.

[Guest_1055]

And sometimes I use 100% lavender essential oil to help me sleep and calm me down. Diffuse it or mix with sweet almond oil and peppermint oil and rub a little on yourself on your neck

Just maybe it would work for you Sleepy

[Guest_1643]

hi shelll i was thinkign of burning some oils today, funny you should write that. i have heard others say they use a lavendar spray but i like that idea of the 100 percent oil. It might be helpful... thank u

[Guest_1643]

hi all

hi mark thank you for posting on my thread and being lovely always

i've been sleeping at weird hours, and not much, today i jut collapsed, slept as soon as I got home at 5pm.... don't know what happened, had my coat on and just fell asleep on the couch. i thnk it's all this stress. Stress from day to day, a lot of legal stuff and triggers.
My family are stressing me out as well, it's like a total mess situation and i can't win, they are impossible and difficult and staying away from them now has been all i can do. I know that now.
Still it does get lonely. my psych is still in the picture and gets a 4/5 uber rating from me.... not bad, not excellent, maybe, good? And excellent as far as psychs go, because the bar is so low. Most and all high-up medical ppl i've seen have been patronising and narcissistic. This guy is a few years older than me, fresh, keen and open, maybe the system hasn't hardened him yet or maybe it's just a personality thing. I don't know how some ppl stay humble and others don't, it's part of our issue as a society

We worship degrees and professors and doctors and assume they are geniuses and give them awards and OAMs. I'd love to see more POC, women, gender nonconforming ppl get awards and recognition and for delicate work helping vulnerable ppl. I'd love to see a society that valued care

A peer worker told me there's a difference between care and treatment. Some docs give good care, terrible treatment. Some docs give good treatment, terrible care. the intersection of the two is rare and elusive for so many ppl

[Matchy69]

Hi sleepy I have been a bit down lately my self.I have been struggling with sleep as my son hasn't been sleeping real well.He woke up in the middle of the night and then he talks non stop to him self so I have been awake since then.

I here a lot about family's stressing people out.I know my ex's mother,father and sister stress her out and after she's spoken to them she feels like crap and then I get in the firing line of it.I only have a brother that I never hardly here from and am still waiting for some information from him for a cousin who is doing a family tree for her daughter.

My son suppose to have the specialist Monday but not sure if that will go ahead with current covid situation even though we are not in a lock down area at the moment though that could change and then she didn't see patients when that happens.

My son will be asking me to make him pancakes in a moment for breakfast.

Take care,

Mark.

[Guest_1643]

Hi Mark

hope ur son is allowed to go see the specialist on Monday, it is hard with all the unpredictability at the moment

you must be tired i hope ur son will be able to sleep through the night now, are u feeling okay today?

it's harder for me to sleep in the winter i find cold unbearable and difficult at night and can't afford to heat everything so easily. i've got my electric blanket out and will put it on my bed tonight to see if it helps.

[Matchy69]

Hi sleepy my son is so tired he probably will sleep well tonight.

I hope you can stay warm.I find putting socks on my feet at night really helps me stay warm.It does get to below zero here and I throw some logs on the fire before I go to bed.

Its been raining here tonight with more rain for tomorrow and Saturday.

The appointment hopefully goes ahead.No change for us here.Hopefully my son dosnt get a cough or runny nose or it will have to be cancelled.

I have just been having phychotic msgs from my ex tonight.I wish I could help her but she refuses to admit she has a problem.I will talk to her parents tomorrow as they are copping it to.

I hope your electric blanket helps you sleep.I love the warmth of an electric blanket.I use to have one and I never wanted to get out of my bed in winter.

Take care,

Mark.

[Guest_1643]

hi m ark that sounds really cold, how do u stay warm at night in such cold??

the electric blanket worked well i'll put it on soon to start it up, and i like that it turns itself off, a few ppl here mentioned they have it, the kmart one. It's nice.
I get a lot of phobias at night and struggle to sleep, anxiety over sleep and just being alone, it's impossible i have struggled for so long with shattered sleep patterns.

i saw my doctor today and he was nice, he told me he works at a hospital but i dont know what he does. I'm always trying to find out his age.
I asked him how long he's worked at the hospital. I said like 10 years? he didn't say yes or no.
But I guess if it was just one year he would've said no.

[Matchy69]

Hi sleepy I use to have an electric blanket a few years ago.I use to hate the cold but now for some reason have got use to the cold.My fire warms the whole house at night and stays warm to the early hours of the morning and then I get the fire going again.It was a wet day here today but suprisingly not that cold.Spent most of the day watching tv.

I am terrible at working at people's ages.My doctor would be 20 years younger then me and she is one of the senior doctors at the practice,makes me feel old.

Take care,

Mark.