Thinking about death.... all the time...

[Guest_1643]

Hi all

I've been struggling for 3 weeks with suicidal thoughts

My new GP is amazing

He tells me to think of suicidal thoughts as a symptom maybe a solution

Could he be right?

Today he assigned someone to give me a call to check in on my safety. I don't think that will happen. I've not received the call.
Small things like this lead to rage, hurt and fear for me.

And so I am left to deal with the thoughts alone.

[Guest_1643]

Hi Monkey - the more I experience psych meds the more I hate them.

In my teenage years I was put on a fair few, and haven't taken much since then. The one I was taking now is considered "weak" and is a melatonin based one. So its kinda easier on the system but eve for me it was so disappointing.

Natural remedies sound good.

I think psych meds are enforced in such a horrile way and did absolute damage to my progress when I was growing up. i generally avoid them but since I have trouble sleeping I had this sense that I watned something to help. There is nothing really that helps without horrible side effects, so I'll have to try something else. GOod on u for changing ur life and standing up for urself.

[monkey_magic]

At the moment I'm trying every naturale remedy under the sun.

Ive been cooking bone broth for the last 24 hrs because thats a natural remedy for our bodies.

I just keep trying stuff to get well bcas I feel so unwell from coming off psych meds all these mnths...but I know this won't go away...well...I'm still hoping it will and I can miraculously heal.

They treated me horribly and ignored me standing up for myself. I didn't stop and it made no difference. They are immune to humanity in my opinion.

[ecomama]

Dearest Sleepy, darling girl, I'm sorry you've felt yuck recently. Huge hugs.

Just to stay warm, have you tried wearing TWO layers of pants at once?
I do this when I want to.
A set of leggings then a pair of trackies over the top.
Works wonders lol.

I also do this with socks and slippers. Double the socks, not the slippers lol.

You know me by now, I'll never give up encouraging others to get into their Community Gardens.
I even did this in Switzerland when the garden was almost undercover in snow in the Winter time lol. The walk there got me warm, for a few minutes lol.
If you take a shopping bag and some scissors, you can bring some yummies home to cook up.
Kale chips done in the oven are so yummy!

When we couldn't afford to run any heating, I tried to bake something for dinner in the oven each night. Then left the oven door open afterwards. It helps a bit to take the edge off the icyness inside.

Also running the Slow Cooker all day, cooking a nice Vege soup (with Barley - my fave!) at the same time as putting some heat into the home.

Stopping drafts is really important. Door runners etc help this. I've used old towels rolled up in a long roll to block the drafts.

I've been burning wood, scrappy dead branches and ANY paper and cardboard from the home I can glean in our chiminea. Just watching a fire all rugged up with a warm cuppa is enough to warm me up. Collecting all the branches and keeping the fire going takes quite a bit of exercise, so it's doubly warming.

Love a good beanie too 😉

Love to you Sleepy
EMxxxx

[Guest_1643]

Hi Monks,

Hugs. I am so sorry for what you went through. I haven't shared it all here but I have been there too. I've been coerced to take medications and also not had proper informed consent and am traumatised by it.

Have u heard of the term iatrogenic harm? The hashtag online is sometimes #perscribedharm. There are communities onlie which you mentioned who discuss this and some facebook groups, a lot of them around benzos.

I know it is scary and i'm so soryr they didn't listen when u stood up for yourself. The system is disgusting, I just told my doctor when I saw him just now how I feel like it's lose-lose. U don't stand up for yourself, you lose. But if you do stand up for yourself, they make fun of you or fight with u. It's not an easy road either way. I didn't mean to minimise it as I know how hard and often painful it is to stand up for yourself. I often do it these days, and I would say half of the time I get abused or mocked and it is very traumatic. It is a minefield.

[monkey_magic]

That's why I give these ppl a wide birth now. And discover and research more and more into it on the side- lines.

You have described it very well. I too feel traumatized by the system and by being locked up for a long time. I did nothing wrong except be #challenging.

It goes around and around in my mind...

I have however found a new, but different lease on life where my survival want is stronger.

I was robbed of so much by them and was very close to being a statistic like many.

Something tiny in my soul flipped and I have more resolve.

Sometimes these freak things just happen. I rested more and now I'm focused on controlling what's in my control.

Id recommend something for sleep but we aren't allowed on this platform but I wouldn't give up your search.

Because I'm ill from what they did I'm not confident in my health or longevity but I'm giving my body a fighting chance. I also fall through life, we all do.

[Guest_1643]

"Something tiny in my soul flipped"

so beautiful monks

u are amazing. tht flip is amazing. Thank u for being here. I don't want to minimise the harm and the system. I do that myself sometimes, because I don't want to think of all the horror they did to me. But it does suck.

I've never found much medical or non-medical that helps with sleep.
I really don't like melatonin, which is annoying because it'd be great if it did something. I would like to try a weighted blanket, altough i found it does'nt work so much for sleep but is good for calming the CNS.

When i was in hospital recently in the Ed they gav me three of thos dodgy waffle blankets they have there (seriously guys, u ever heard of a doona?)

My brother joked I should steal a blanket. I wanted to explain to him it's not the actual blanket I liked - they are terrible lol - its the kindness of the nurse who gave me so many and it made me feel cared for. There were some really nice nurses there and doctors. The doctr was a woman in her 20s. It was nice to be treated by ppl who are yung and don't talk down. But it also reminded me of how often I've been talked down to by medical professionals, and how I have gotten used to it. The system is broken.

[Guest_1643]

Hey Katy,

i am feeling a bit better atm, and love the descriptions of the beautiful skies your getting.

There are a few op shops around me, before the lockdown I went and bought 3 jumpers and maybe 10 books. I would love some knee high boots, thermal tops, leggings, jeans, all the layers. But from the op shops I mostly just try and get woolens because they seem to hold up shape second hand. Other than that (and books) ur right its often more expensive in certain op shops. I like to buy oil burners and knick-knacks there too, cushions, pictures that kind of thing. I enjoy it when I go but don't go that often as I can get overwhelmed. Some of the op shops are a bit trendy and it is a bit of a trauma button for me. My Mom used to bully me a lot when she took me shopping as a kid (size, shape, style, u name it).

Hope u had a beautiful day

[Guest_1643]

i have no idea why i've been feeling so low.... i find myself doing so much waiting

if i have a gp appointment i get anxious and wait til the gp appointment, and find it hard to even last the few days before the appointment

my Gp is pretty nice and it's just a phone appointment where we shoot the breeze and he gives me some wholistic tips and general ideas... but i sit there and wait for the day and time of the appointment, and i have not felt this way before. I try and do a lot to stay well, and sample and try many things, so i'm not really dependent on one thing. I try read, walk, mindfulness, trauma work, allt his stuff i've learnt, distract, plan whatever... and it all adds up to keep me well. But these days nothing calms me and i just wait to speak to the "professionals"

and then when I do speak to them - what can they even offer? Then i just wait til the next appointment.

The lockdowns frazzled me so much and since then i haven't got a lot of oomph.

[Jstar49]

Hey Sleepy,

Well it's lovely writing to you!

Hey have you read the Dr Zeuss book 'The places you'll go' ?

Your words re waiting reminded me of it. The waiting place.

I just googled it actually. You can watch a utube vid of the book being read! How awesome is that? Please search it up- it's such a lovely book. Someone gave me that book once, before my first child was born. I've read it to both of them, many times. Each time I read it it feels so true, so wise and helpful.

You're doing so much good stuff mate. Hang in there. I know, it feels like such a long time. And you want to be feeling better. And maybe you are, but it's slow going. Maybe the bad difficult days still outnumber the good days. And maybe you're just so damned tired of feeling alone with it. Alone, and cold and tired and no energy. Thats the struggle, and it's real.

Oh I wish we could be a real support group! In Real Life!

When I had PND I really wanted a support group. There was no such thing as the BB forums- I remember handing my first assignment in typed on a typewriter! They accepted it, but the next one had to be done on a computer. That was weird, having to get a computer, deal with the issues of it. But returning to study was the best thing I couldve done. I got so interested in my subjects, and the conversations I was having, inside and outside the classroom. And it started me thinking that maybe there was something wrong with the world, and that things like racism, sexism, structural inequality could and should be challenged. Maybe, thinking about it, it wasn't so much that my problems went away, but that they got smaller, in proportion to other issues.

It's great that you've got a team of professionals supporting you, and to me it sounds like you are feeling safer and more secure in your life, with more options and choices, and definitely more knowledge about what you're facing, and even how to get thru it. You are the expert of your life! It's something they drummed into us last year in my studies, for working with people. So can I encourage you to really grab hold of that? Take your power, and hold it, know it, work with other people for sure, but ultimately, you're in the drivers seat. It's your life.

Heaps of love and warm woolly hugs-

J*

[Guest_1643]

hi J - ur so smart, sounds like u've learnt so much on ur journey and have this knack of getting what ppl need and where they're at!!

i am so ready to just trust things going forward

i reread a letter when i was seekig help earlier this year and went to a psych for an item 291

he was all about trust, trust for urself, trust for others, being trusting. healing the truama. trust and inner trust, i'm sure too.

How re u doing? how have things been after seeing ur d? i'm sending hugs