Thinking about death.... all the time...

[Guest_1643]

Hi all

I've been struggling for 3 weeks with suicidal thoughts

My new GP is amazing

He tells me to think of suicidal thoughts as a symptom maybe a solution

Could he be right?

Today he assigned someone to give me a call to check in on my safety. I don't think that will happen. I've not received the call.
Small things like this lead to rage, hurt and fear for me.

And so I am left to deal with the thoughts alone.

[Guest_1643]

i have something similar.... i have body image issues which can seem very stupid. i am embarrassed to talk about them. today someone made a comment about appearance, a tiny one. It was an innocent comment. Not mean. Not specific about me. He assumed I think that I was a mom or something and I just felt really old. Enve though I am in my 30s and coudl very easily be a mom. And there's nothing wrong with that.
But it went back to all my body image stuff, I thought I looked bad, fat.. ect.. I thought that's what he meant.... anyway....
The smallest things can make me feel sad and self-conscious...

[ecomama]

Hey Sleepy,

How are you doing?

The way we feel about our bodies is a thing!
I went through massive body image stuff many years ago, some times it still pops up but not often.
At those times though, I remember to THANK my body for all the miraculous things it does.

Our bodies WORK even without us thinking!
How amazing is that?

The funny thing I noticed many years ago was HOW some people "carried themselves".
I saw women who were bigger than me shining out JOY and happiness, walking proudly, dressing so well, IDK just LOOKING differently to me - IDK what it was but it was really infectious! LOL!

I decided to aim to BE just like that.
People may make comments to us or about us but I'll be darned if I take any notice any more.

I just don't have room in my mind to harbour other people's opinions about ME.

You'll get there if you aim to get there Sleepy.

Sometimes it's just not worth going down any rabbit holes for the sake of working out other people's comments.
They've forgotten they even murmured it!

Why harbour it inside of ourselves?

Anyway we all know you're GORGEOUS.
Believing in the beauty inside of us, helps the beauty shine OUT of us.

Love you mountains,
EMxxxx

[Jstar49]

Hello lovely people!

oh wow, so much braveness and vulnerability- you chicks ( and roosters lol) are rocking it!

sleepy I think what you’re touching on is so so important! We all want connection, we’re hardwired for it!
part of the reason my relationship with H gets me down- I feel like we don’t ‘see’ or ‘get’ each other. I feel alone in my relationship! So sad!

realistically tho I think this is the case for so many relationships, so I’m trying to lower my expectations lol! And focus on being THANKFUL for the good stuff. And accepting the not so good. (thanks Em for your encouragement in this direction!)

For me, it’s a trap, focusing on the negatives. I find when I quit, and switch my focus onto something good, (and this is where mindfulness is really useful I’ve found) like the warmth of my sheets in bed in the morning - so good!

Sleepy you are beautiful! I know it! If you’re not a mum, maybe you related that persons comment to your mum ( cos that’s what we do- it all comes back to our mum!) Hard to imagine our mums being sexy and gorgeous hey! But they were, I guess!

Love that positive body image Em, so true!

thanks y’all for your support re H- it was good to have a safe place to vent. I’ll try and fill in more on my thread.
love you guys!

Be the change you wish to see in the world!

cheers

J*

[Guest_1643]

hey Boudaica - i hope you are sleeping better and doing really well getting ur earlier nights... good on u, sleep helps so much. however u can get it, its amazing to make it a priority!

Hey Mark - thinking of u.

Hey EM - i reckon this body stuff is another form of anxiety. PTSD, OCD, BDD, i go in and out of these ones.... i'm sorry you have felt that way too. Amazing that you see bodies that way - as strong, functional, giving, supporting, moving - breathing!!! I love the way we are all different, a beauty mark, cheek dimple, it's all so magical. My fave quirk on ppl is gap-tooth. Nothing more beautiful! And yet some ppl make fun of it - it's all in the confidence and love from inside us.... i think, thank u for embodying this. I want to connect to that beatiful way you see ppl.

Hey J-star - lol you nailed it! I think of my Mum. Mums. I don't wanna be like that. Meanwhile, its in its own way a compliment, and maybe meaningless. This guy kept talking about us in different generations... he was 28.... i felt like saying - i'm a millenial like you lol. I'm not just a mum. I'm not even a mum yet haha. It's funny to be taken off guard like that. I think this guy is an interesting one, the barista at a coffee shop where I go to. He's always got a lot to say lol.

J - are you holding up okay? Connection in relationships, do u reckon we need to lower our standards? Maaybe tht is an entry point there... a beginning. I'm a bit all or nothing. I stick alone, or have had very deep friendsihps. Is there an in-between space, maybe? Take care of urself J. Stay warm!!!

Hey Shelll xx if ur reading i was so happy to see you on my thread. hope ur doing okay x

[Guest_1055]

Hi all, yeah Sleepy I am indeed reading on your thread.

I think you are aware, that I have some body issues as well. It seems to be based on fear, fear of what others think of me. Rejection issues.

I believe...too about the connection thing. We us humans need it. Even from when we were babies.

I think once the fear of what others think is gone or less maybe. Then we are more free. More relaxed, easier to connect to others. Just my thoughts. I have no idea if they are right. But it is just what I think about. So anyway maybe the relaxed thing is like the one who places no expectations on others. They are free to love you or not.

[Guest_4643]

hi Sleepy. i hope you don't mind me quickly popping in here. i just wanted to come here and say that i relate to a lot of what you're saying - the anxiety, body and self esteem issues, loneliness, etc etc (sorry if i missed something).

i just wanted to remind you that you're not alone, i know you probably know that but sometimes it can be a little reassuring to hear that. i don't know if it will help though.

you're stronger than you think, in my opinion. you seem to have come a long way from what i've read, so well done.

take care. i hope you don't mind me commenting here, i just wanted to try and give you some kind words.

[Guest_1643]

hi tayla, you are lucky to have supportive parents, hope that gives you comfort. it's good that they give you the support and patience, and allow you to bounce things off them.

all good. don't feel like this is my thread in any way - just a thread here for whoever who relates and connects, of course inlcuding you and everyone here.Take care

[Guest_1643]

hey Shelll

i can't believe sometimes how smart and wise you are - to pick up the truth beneath everything that we were writing. good one. It's totally about rejection. I don't know exactly how to describe it, but so much of what we go through is fear of rejection. A very primal thing, I think. From childhood.
I see certain things in myself I don't like, and my greatest fear is that they're true. And that someone else will see them. And point them out to me. I fear if that were to happen i'd just turn into a block of clay. Freeze and not cope.

[Jstar49]

OMG! Yes!

Fear of rejection, fear of others seeing the VERY things that we see and criticise about ourselves (see it and not be supportive and loving but instead be rejecting and full of condemnation)

AND YET! That is exactly what attracts that negative energy!

Hmmm...re lowering expectations- good question Sleepy! I think what I'm learning to do is accept ppl where they're at in my life a little bit more. Like I have this mum friend, and i used to try and connect more, but it was actually her partner I connected with (not in a sleazy way, just we were similar types of ppl) so anyway, now I'm a bit more chilled about that friendship, we're both mums, our kids are friends, and it's almost...businesslike...? And yet sometimes we have these amazing supportive talks becos we're in similar fields of work. So, IDK, I guess....one of the things I really like about ppl is when they're ACCEPTING of me, interested, curious, and non judgemental. Honest! And I find that the relationships which share these values are the ones which deepen. Not that I have many going on atm LOL! But as they say, you don't need lots of friends, just a few good ones. I'm beginning to live this more and more. Still being kind and honest with everyone, but....not throwing my pearls out for the swine to trample! Not evryone is gona be my friend, and thats a good thing. I would find it very tiring!

I have been thru some very lonely, very isolating times in my life where I was DESPERATE for friends. And the harder I tried, the less it happened. It was like a downward spiral. Everyone- counsellors etc- would have all these helpful suggestions. But it wasn't until I began to be in a better place that I appreciated the friends i did have, and of course, I wasn't so needy. For me, that really happened when I moved, and started going to church again.

But I think it could be anything. Anywhere that its a supportive environment, and ppl just naturally support each other.

A community garden! A book club! Volunteering somewhere that feels right and useful.

My art group was fantastic. Full of eclectic individuals, well used to be the odd one out in a group. I love groups like that, full of interesting odd bods. Where ppl almost compete to be different. Super cool!

Like this forum. Full of super cool odd bods!

Cheers,

J*

[Guest_1643]

content warning : depression/isolation

hey everyone

i've been working hard here and navigating some stressful times, some stressful family stuff

feeling quite alone

my psych whenever he sees me constantly looks at his watch and its a bt.... argh

he's polite and caring but that is annoying. he has some time management stuff. He's not hugely punctual. Lately i've just been wanting someone to talk to, to cry to, feeling pent up

I feel sorry now for my family.... not my immeidate family exclusively but my family as a whole who struggle with MH and shame and just can't be open. They are very superifical ppl.

Lately i've had this thought "i don't know how to be sad"

not as in i don't know how to feel that or that i can't feel it

i can feel it but more i don't know how to express it

to be seen

i feel like crying, but hold it in

sorry anyone for the depressing post.