Thinking about death.... all the time...

[Guest_1643]

Hi all

I've been struggling for 3 weeks with suicidal thoughts

My new GP is amazing

He tells me to think of suicidal thoughts as a symptom maybe a solution

Could he be right?

Today he assigned someone to give me a call to check in on my safety. I don't think that will happen. I've not received the call.
Small things like this lead to rage, hurt and fear for me.

And so I am left to deal with the thoughts alone.

[Guest_1643]

Hi Shelll

it's very painful and i know that feeling, that bubble. You describe it very well! i'm sorry you feel that way at times, it's hard, isn't it?

I would love to go for tea, go shopping, walks stuff like that with others. And i feel like ppl are always too busy for that day-to-day stuff, when we catch up it's always formal. Rushed. I always feel they don't want to be there and are just with me before they find something better to do. I want to feel equal with them and connected. I don't feel i have any real friends.

I want that to change though.... but iv'e wanted that for ages. I've had a lot of "fun" friends, through work, school etc but no one that i've kept up with on a regular basis. I feel liek no one sees me really.

[Guest_1055]

Are you hidden in this bubble then Sleepy, perhaps one you made yourself or does it seem other people are walking around in their bubbles in their own world. And all you want to do is either have them enter into your world or yourself break out of your own bubble and somehow go into theirs.?

Still not sure if I am understanding you or not, but want to.

I think I have gone into other people's world at times. But it feels like no one has come into mine. And this makes me feel I am not worth knowing. And no one understands me at all.

I hear you about just hanging out with others. I would like that too. Far too self conscious and awkward a lot though. Never know what to say or how to be. But really would like to hang out.

I am married. But he has never been in my world. Not much sense of connection.

It was nice you had some fun friends. Could you be yourself with them?

I definitely would love to visit with you and sip on hot chocolate.

[Guest_1643]

feeling very moved and touched by this show i'm watching

so weird, i watched it a year ago and felt nothing.
I have changed a lot.

[monkey_magic]

Hi everyone,

Ive just read back and I want to say that I hope you feel safe to open up as much as you want and need.

I've been following journeys as much as I can and have gaged things from the parts you write on the forums.

I can say that I'm in the world's you chose to open up about and think about those world's.

You aren't entirely alone!

💖

[Boudica]

Hey Sleepy,

Sorry I didn't reply last night. I have a new rule that I must put my laptop away at 10:30pm (as I have been struggling with sleep difficulties which I am trying to fix).

Thanks as always for your kind words 🙂

I understand what you mean about it being both protection and prison. I tend to deflect people from me, as I need my space, but I also get lonely. I think it's not really that people don't care it is hard to know what is going on with each other as we are so disconnected from others and most people put on a kind of front, or public face, which doesn't necessarily represent their inner world. It would be nice to have those friends around that are really like family (or how it should be), where you can be yourself with no front.

I don't really have friends I do day to day things with. It gets harder when you have children. Not only do you have to find people that you click with, you need to find those that can tolerate or already have compatible children! I have coffee with other students I know from uni, but we just talk about study things mostly.

I think geography matters too. I don't really know anyone close to where I live now, as I grew up elsewhere and work and study elsewhere. There is a local community centre and community garden, but I have not made the effort to go to either. I have neighbours that I chat to about the weather or the garden, or what the crazy guy in the next street is up to.

Sleepy I wish I could drink tea with you, and perhaps some light op shopping, but it is a little far (Adl to Mel)!

Happy day Sleepy

[Guest_1643]

Hi Shelll,

Tht day-to-day stuff i'm so used to doing on my own

i used to love just sitting with a friend watching tv and talking (this was growing up). There's a certain intimacy of doing nothing with others, feeling so comfortable and also safe like they won't hurt u. So u can be urself and say whatevers on ur mind.

I really need that to survive. I think life feels so formal to me, like ppl greet u and ask how u are, then go back to their bubble, that there's never any sharing of space or heart.
It's like they're a visitor in ur life and not really a part of it. In my true pain I feel so alone

[Matchy69]

Hi Sleepy I was going to post something I am going through mentally for many years but don't know if it will make me seem stupid.

[Guest_1643]

hi mark you can post here anything and i will not judge i may even have the same issue....

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

"There's a certain intimacy of doing nothing with others, feeling so comfortable and also safe like they won't hurt u. "

Until they tell you you're too much trouble, and leave. Then it hurts. That's the pain of MH, I think. Trying to find a person who can sit with you in that space...

I can't stand the aloneness. Sending virtual hugs. I'd like to know you

[Guest_1643]

hi Katy

i had smeone who used to try and force me to socialise and trust others, a therapist.

It didn't work for me... now i've become totally isolated and far . It's scary being alone, and then you reac out and it doesn't help . I have no idea how to reach out and get help anymore socially. I've learnt to do everything alone. I hate feeliing so alone too, so seperate, without a counter-person.

Thanks for opening up my conversation and thoughts.