Thinking about death.... all the time...

[Guest_1643]

Hi all

I've been struggling for 3 weeks with suicidal thoughts

My new GP is amazing

He tells me to think of suicidal thoughts as a symptom maybe a solution

Could he be right?

Today he assigned someone to give me a call to check in on my safety. I don't think that will happen. I've not received the call.
Small things like this lead to rage, hurt and fear for me.

And so I am left to deal with the thoughts alone.

[Jstar49]

Hi Sleepy,

Yeah those days are tough hey, after a bad nights sleep.

Hope you can not let that persons smallness rock your boat today. You're better than that.

Also hoping that your day is not too stressful, and that tonite's sleep is better.

I'm really struggling today too. A problem with H has activated my 'fight/flight' response, and so I'm looking for rentals, and feeling sad about maybe having to say goodbye to our home. It's not just a little argument, this feels pretty fundamental and deep rooted.

Just feel sad and confused today.

Trying to stay with it, and get my chores done. Looking forward to the day being over!!

Hey, whats happening with the heater? Sounds like problems?

Cheers,

J*

[Boudica]

Hi Sleepy & J',

Sleepy, I can relate. Without sleep we become different people. I have had sleep troubles for 6 weeks, usually 2 good sleeps a week but remaining 5 days under 3-4 hrs a night, last night 2 hrs......the cracks are showing.....eyesight goes wobbly and I get weirdly emotional.....teared up meeting with my supervisor today about project, so now he probably thinks I am a total fruit loop. I am determined to sleep tonight: stodgy comfort food, hot bubble bath, relaxing podcast, bed. What helps you sleep?

You absolutely need that heater, it will really help your mental health I think. I used to live in a house that got absolutely freezing.....much colder than outside. When my mind wandered I used to think maybe it was built on a graveyard and all the spirits were floating up!

J I'm am so sorry there is conflict between you and your husband. It seems to have gone very quickly from cosy, to looking at rentals, there must be a lot of hurt there. I hope it can be resolved soon. My thoughts are with you tonight.

[Guest_1643]

hi lovely ppl

I'm sorry for ur painful day Jstar and for ur feelings and confusion in ur relationship at the moment. How can we help?? Please feel free to write here and know we are here foru

Hey Boudaica....

Relatable to me how the cold (and poor sleep) stuffs everything up.
I'm very tired.
I am really upset to have had two bad nights of sleep and to have been sort of "running on empty."

Sometimes I have to change things dratstically to sleep, mix it up a bit, even go stay with a friend for a day or two....

My doctor asked me if I'd like to continue thrapy with him and to check in

I said i feel better and want to continue.

I do feel better, but just a little bit. Then he said something about all the trauma coming up, I wa sa bit too tired to process it. He showed empathy about my upbrining and the fear i've internalised living with unstable and unpredictable family members.

I will keep that empathy and let it hold me for a bit, help me move forward. For so many years I felt gaslit.

I like that he can show empathy and react with emotion and compassion. Sometimes professionals i've attempted to get to know and work with have been so robotic.

He laughs a lot as well. I hope with me. I've got a way with words and get pretty passionate about my recovery and trying to move forward. I think we're on the same page and want that for me, whcih I am grateful for.

[Boudica]

Good Morning Sleepy,

I hope you slept well last night, I did, and I feel different.

Feeling a little bit better is a win, I am happy for you.

I know what you mean about the robotic professionals. I've noticed with my sons occupational therapists in particular, they start off great, but after a few years of work they go through the motions like on script. I don't think I could do it though, can you imagine trying to engage like this with one person after another all day for years? I used to see clients for work, but it was financial work and I would meet them to go over their financial documents that I would be working on, not to support them. Supporting people with their mental or physical stuff would be intense!!!

I am so glad you have found a therapist you feel you connect with. I've never been able to talk to anyone about my stuff, it must be cathartic.

[Guest_1643]

thank u Boudaica for writin and always amazing to have your input!!!

i've decided i'd like to study social work...may be draining but i'd like to try

[golden82]

wow Sleepy - I think you would be such an asset to social work. Great plan/goal 🙂

[Guest_1643]

Hi everyone,

how are u all doing?

the forums havebeen a little quiet ltely hope that means ppl are busy with good things. I'm not doing amazing, i feel very shaky and some stuff i'm dealing with has just escalated .. .its been isolating and hard as i don't have many ppl i can talk to openly about my mental health, but one friend has been trying to check in and offered to help me deal with verything that i have going on

i need more ppl like that, i always feel like i dont know how to ask for help, and when i do, ppl just disappear.

Society is so individualistic now. I feel so disconnected from everyone and so far away.

[Boudica]

Hello Sleepy,

Here to chat if you want 🙂

That's great that you have a goal of studying social work. I think it takes a special caring person to be a social worker. I think you'd be great.

I am sorry that some of your life stuff has escalated, it's good you have someone that checks in on you. I understand the isolation, the friends I have I am sure would help if I asked, but I don't, as I when I get really low I am completely unable to reach out to anyone as I turn totally inward. No one knows anything of my inner world anymore (aside from here perhaps).

At the moment I am really trying to work on my anxiety (always had it, but it has been v.bad lately). I just watched a youtube TEDex talk that was really interesting. How to cope with anxiety - Olivia Remes. I am going to try some of the strategies she suggested.

It is peculiar, having us all locked away in our separate little boxes, typing text in a rectangle to an idea of a person far away! However, I think too that when we can read people's inner dialogue without dealing with social awkwardness and judgement we can talk of things that are impossible in person (at least for me).

[Guest_1643]

hi Boudaica,

you have a beautiful way of words

i love what you wrote about the little boxes we inhabit, and the "idea of a person" we make contact with

we are so far from each other, today, everyone seems to have a protective bubble of individualistic self-interest, and no one can get out of it to help each other and care. so it's our protection and our prison, this bubble. We feel comfortable, but are lacking real connection.

The ability to connect is so hard for me these days, i fear i'll never be able to really get close to ppl and be i feel so upset that i can't have real relationships anymore.

I crave it but fear it.... it's so far....

Every so often loneliness really gets me down, it's definitely happening atm. I'm not sure if any of my friends or fmaily understand where i'm at.... they come into my life, offer to help, than vanish, and it is so so hurtful to me. It makes me close up and shut down even more.

My brother is very distant and I don't relaly speak to my parents. My friends are all very busy with their families and seem too busy for me.

I feel a bit invisible at times... it's hard. thank u for listening to me. I appreciate it.

[Guest_1055]

Hi Sleepy and all, not sure if this is the same as you. Or even if I am in the right track in regards to connection. But I often sense no real connection to other people. It seems to be coming from me. I often feel like there is a film around me....a bubble of some kind. I cannot get through it much at all. So then in turn I feel alone. Because there is no sense of connection to another human soul. I could physically be with others, but quite often the bubble is still there.