Thinking about death.... all the time...

[Guest_1643]

Hi all

I've been struggling for 3 weeks with suicidal thoughts

My new GP is amazing

He tells me to think of suicidal thoughts as a symptom maybe a solution

Could he be right?

Today he assigned someone to give me a call to check in on my safety. I don't think that will happen. I've not received the call.
Small things like this lead to rage, hurt and fear for me.

And so I am left to deal with the thoughts alone.

[Matchy69]

Hi Sleepy I hope you are staying warm.It hasn't been to cold here just wet with thunder storms.

[Jstar49]

Hi Sleepy and co.,

I too like that visual of you walking in a light cloud of feathers!

Puffer jackets are just the best in cold windy climates! I'd never appreciated them before living on the Mornington Peninsula!

Yep, cold is def something you have to adjust the wardrobe for. At least when you live sth of the border lol. I think the ten yrs I lived down south changed my brain- It's just such a reality of life!

I LOVE the sound of your vintage Harley tee! You can up the layering if it's a cold day by wearing a long sleeved tee under it. Make sure it's a close fitting one or will probs feel uncomfortable. Then if it gets warm you can ditch the long sleeves!

Your 'staple outfit' sounds cute! Very striking! I cannot wear pink so would probably switch it to a green jumper lol- like the cardi I am wearing now! I wear a lot of cardi's and a lot of green....

Speaking of which I am working on the completion of my hand knitted green cardi and am so excited to see if it fits nicely! I think I'm a bit afraid I will have to unravel and start again...:( I hope not!

My mothers day was BEAU-Ti-Ful! Thankyou! The drive was nice- we escaped rain, only encountering it as we returned back to our town. Our bugers by the beach were lovely, and i just felt freer for getting out of town for a while. I still felt sad when I talked to my bro that afternoon tho. He had been at breakfast with the rest of the family. I wasn't invited. I didn't want to go as it would have been too early, and spoilt my mothers day morning completely (which was very relaxed and indulgent) but I still felt sad not to be invited.

Other cultures don't celebrate mothers day. For eg the Thai's. Maybe it's another day created by the greeting card company Hallmark....just to make ppl buy cards! Far nicer if we genuinely honour mothers and women generally for all they are and do! Everyday!
It's so interesting your comment of valueing yourself, within the context of mothers/families. As that is my breakthru this past week. Realising the hurt in me as a result of not being valued as a woman/female .

This is a wound I picked up from my dad, and until a conversation I shared with a friend (I actually had to apologise for my words) I had not been clear about. MD morning found me crying and letting go of that damaging belief, replacing it with "I am valuable BECAUSE I'm a woman". It's a new belief for me to have, and feels amazing!

Also, Sleepy failing just means that you're trying something new. Keep at it!

❤J*

[golden82]

Hey Sleepy,

Hope all goes ahead smoothly with getting your blinds finally 🙂 i am sure u will feel a bit more comfort, i know i feel it when i just want to hide away.

[Guest_1643]

hi Mark, how are u doing?

thunderstorms sound nice if ur inside and can look at them ... but not so nice if you don't have that option!! there havebeen a few storms here too but not for too long. Today was very cold.
It was a bit weird, I came to work and found my boss crying. i don'tknow why they were crying. It was awkward timing. I just said I hope you're okay.

I also had new blinds installed today. Best day ever lol! The blinds give me privacy. They let sun in but you can't see through them. I am obsessed with them. I have just checked that you can't see through them at night, with the lights on, and walked past the window from the outdoors. You can't see through! Before my blinds were broken and I felt anxious because neighbours could completely see in to the apartment. I know some ppl might not care. But I felt vulnerable.

[Guest_1643]

hey golden, the blinds have changed so much for me

really seeing how different things re for me with PTSD

how i do get triggered without my own space and how i feel calmer now that i have space.
I hated having my neighbours being able to see into my apartment. I kept trying to pretend i could manage it but now thankfully i can see it was totally not possible for me. Hope ur horrible and unkind neighbour has calmed down. I hope he moves away!

[Boudica]

Hi Sleepy (& everyone),

So glad about your blinds, they sound revolutionary, privacy from random people seeing in is everything! What a difference small things can make to our lives sometimes.

It is weird being faced with people crying at work unexpectedly. You feel like you should do something to comfort them as a fellow human, but on the other hand you have a professional relationship and don't want to cross a line or invade their privacy. It is really kind of awkward. In my last job I had an admin assistant who would cry all the time. She was just really sensitive and would get very upset if a client was critical or grumpy on the phone, or if she made a mistake and was asked to fix it. Although I had some empathy for her, it made work hard for others as we had to tiptoe around her delicate feelings, so ended up doing the work ourselves. All my bosses have always been men, and I cannot imagine any of them crying (despite divorce, cancer, wives with drug addiction, bankruptcy, child in jail etc). When things went wrong for them, they would show it by being angry and terse, not sad.

In terms of bad neighbours, I think that is actually us. I am just lucky that I own the house so I can't be evicted! My neighbours are lovely. I have a child with autism who is sometimes unbelievably loud. If he has a period of unrest it is not unusual for him to be screaming his head off at 2am (he covers his ears and just screams continuously if distressed). My poor neighbours know the situation, and they pretend that they hear nothing and everything is fine. However, I know that they are being nice, not truthful. I feel sorry for them.

[Matchy69]

Sleepy that's great you got your blinds and have full privacy now.That will help you feel more comfortable at home.

The thunder storms were nice.Not damaging ones.Some places got a lot of rain and some hail.Its sunny here today a bit cold inside and windy outside if I sit in the sun.Should be getting the fire going.

Take care,

Mark.

[Guest_1643]

Hi Jstar 🙂

i saw another great colour combo today - light denim jeans, burnt orange sweater, olive green puffer. White sneakers.
Mental note to try pull that off 🙂 i'm sorry that i get a little upset when talking about my mum. i try but get stuck there.

So cold today! so tired. My body is tired. I'm watching this show on Stan called "Made for Love" - everything looks good, but makes no sense. It's a force-myself-to-continue kinda show.

I asked my psych if he has had therapy himself - it's a good question to ask!

And I have been sort of diagnosed which I find interesting and need to ask him more about.

Hope all are good!!

[Guest_1643]

hi Jstar, that doesn't sound so good for u or others at the workplace to have to encounter an office administrator regularly in tears, then resulting in her being not asked to do her job. that's so hard for everyone. Work places are so tricky socially, some ppl become very close at work but it depends on the workplace and the vibe.
I feel a bit over everything lately as there's a lot of ppl pushing me at the moment and not making me feel comfortable. My relatives including sibling - I make a lot of the contact and am expected to be lovely all the time. I'm a little over it. I feel I am always excusing bad behaviour.

In other good news, my friend made me a cake and dropped it off to me today. She has such a good attitude. Always trying to help others. I love the idea of making things for ppl but get shy about giving gifts, never knowing if the person wants it or will like it.

I think I'd like to thank a few ppl who truly havebeen there for me during hard times, but wander about how. I guess it's not about money but about the thought 🙂 trying to think good thoughts and give back good thoughts that others send me. Generosity is one of my values... i don't wanna let that one lapse.

[Guest_1643]

previous message was also for Boudaica...!

hi all , it was super cold today. I'm really upset about the landlords atm and my heater but c'est la vie!! today was upsetting a bit with some difficult exchanges from someone who was just moody and unkind to me... not personal, but not really what i need now for my recovery.

was up all night last night, now so tired... just no sleep at all. One of those nights.