Thinking about death.... all the time...

[Guest_1643]

Hi all

I've been struggling for 3 weeks with suicidal thoughts

My new GP is amazing

He tells me to think of suicidal thoughts as a symptom maybe a solution

Could he be right?

Today he assigned someone to give me a call to check in on my safety. I don't think that will happen. I've not received the call.
Small things like this lead to rage, hurt and fear for me.

And so I am left to deal with the thoughts alone.

[Guest_1643]

hey Em

thank you for sharing how transformative self-care was for u. I see it, and I believe it!!

I'm learning it daily too, and it is a practise for me, and often filled with self doubt. Do I need to do more productive stuff? WIll someone come and finger-point (great word!!) at me - saying - why are u not doing more??

But self-care works so well like Kristen Neff said at bringing us to more of ourselves.

It's hard for me, awkward. I feel awkward. Lately I try and sit in any uncomfortable moment for just one minute longer... to show that I won't expire and end if I don't run away when it gets hard.

Ur self-care thread has helped so many here and helped us all love ourselves as we are.
I don't know how I could have a relationship with my family at all, knowing what I know. That will be hard. I don'tknow any way back to it... I just stay away now.

I really hope I can be a Mum myself one day and get through all this muck of healing.

I'm so glad to read you feel the triggers don't come in the same way these days. You are smashing it - so strong!!!

Self-care, especially in the hard moments, is so so radical !

[Guest_1643]

hi J,

i thought of u - i've been wearing this cheapo acrylic jumper i got from myer in a weird burnt orange... i imgined it wouldn't be warm but somehow it works ok. Don't get it. Would be good maybe to get a woolen layer for underneatH??? i'm on it lol

family is a mess for so many ppl.

my psych was helpful this week, he is sending me for an assessment, and has an idea of a diagnosis as well and explained to me a lot

he's been looking for a second consellor for me and he said he wantss to check for sure he's on the right track. i've had tonnes of assessmets in the past year so initially i was like - what - don't YOU do assessments...

but now that i think of it how helpful to be seeking second opinions etc and also how practical. It felt good also because things are moving along slowly along 🙂

[Jstar49]

Hi Sleepy,

I'm glad you're warm! Anything that traps the heat works, so please don't feel like you have to follow all my rules lol!!!- I'm a bit of a nazi about fabric and fibres, cos I can't wear synthetics. I end up feeling prickly, and too hot, can't 'breathe'.....I am constantly taking off layers and putting them on, opening windows and needing to be outside. So I just stick to natural now. Wool, cotton, silk, hemp, linen. It's amazing what you can find at the op shop! Tho its also my reason for sewing, as so much clothing is synthetic now.

As long as you are warm and cosy it's all good!

A long sleeved cotton tee would help in trapping the heat and also provide a breathable layer next to your skin which may help you be comfortable too.

I like the sound of the burnt orange- do you feel good wearing it?

I was trying on a dress in a nice recycled clothing shop recently, and a lady said, does it make you feel joy? - I was undecided about it. Straight away I knew that- no, it didn't make me feel joy, so I didn't buy it. Even tho it was bright and funky. Instead I bought the navy one, because as soon as I put it on I DID feel joy! So weirdly strong and helpful for my indecisive personality! My H was a bit disgusted, as he's sick of me wearing dark colours lol! I figure I'll accessorize in bright colours tho- a nice scarf or necklace. The dress I did buy was just lovely- beautiful fabric, flattering cut. Just right to wear over tights and with boots.

Orange is such a funky colour! Looks great with navy too actually....

Families are messy. I guess mine is so good at suppressing that I wasn't prepared for it. But, I'm no good at suppression lol! Carving out a different path! With parts of my family reluctantly trailing in my wake, it feels like. Or maybe thats just my wishful thinking! I still think things will change! I guess I'm keeping my distance until I can see the change tho.

Have sidestepped family mothersday lunch this year. Convinced my H that unless we went for a long drive we would have to go to family lunch! LOL! Fish n chips by a different beach sounds good to me!

Sounds like your in good hands there Sleepy, with your psych. I like that he's not so egotistical that he wants to know what another MH professional thinks. Is that a bit full on tho, the thought of having to tell your story AGAIN?

You'll be a wonderful mum Sleepy, full of love, strength and compassion.

Thankyou for sharing your journey

Love

J*

[Guest_1643]

Hey J!

I feel great in the orange top and get tonnes of compliments... love it!

navy would be lovely too 🙂 i used to love wearing pink top, navy skirt and brown boots, running around town.
It was a little staple for me 🙂

Today was bit dreary and cold, I didn't get out much and felt a bit over everything.
I nearly started crying after I lost one sleeve of the antibiotics I was taking.... I have a toothache from an infection. The sleeve of antibiotics fell somewhere in my car. It just felt so ridiculous at the time and I was like I'm so over managing everything and am tired.
But I just spoke to the pharmacist and he said it's fine. I've got enough left to clear it up wthout the missing ones, so it should be okay either way.

I'm just so tired. don't have the energy for anything and frustrated and managing life. There's so much stuff i have no energy for.

Op shops are amazing, have you been going lately?

I find them so much fun 🙂

[Guest_1643]

hey again J

sounds great you sidestepped family lunch

i don't have headspace to even consider such a thing - a family lunch? No thaanks!!!!

A drive sounds much better 🙂
I like that you have hope. Hope helps.

i think telling my story again will be a lot... but i dont know exactly what kind of assessment it is.

it means i might access more progams. It's at a place specifically for complex trauma and complex personality stuff. I have a complex personality. Psych says he might have one too lol.

[Guest_1643]

Happy mothers day to all the mums and to also all the dad's here who love and work for their kids safety and health and to all the children as well 🙂 being an adult child is also work, even if it means keeping boundaries and finding a way to individuate from damaging family systems. I'm no expert at this and seem to fail regularly but I'm still valuing myself today as someone without a family who can still celebrate mothers days. x

[Guest_1643]

Hey J i thought of you today as I really did a nice layering clothes to stay warm and will probably be more comfortable as a result.
I really identify as one of those melbourne ppl who has no idea how to dress for winter and yet complains of cold. Like wear a thin top and a light coat and feel upset that i'm still cold.

I'm wearing a vintage harley davidson tee today under a green sweater and i think the two together are good brethable fabrics and will help me.

My coat has been sent to be fixed. It was a puffer coat, and it got a puncture, and all the "puff" kept falling out. I was surrounded by feathers and had no clue what was happening until someone pointed out the puncture.

How was mother's day, but if u'd rather not describe it as such then I'll just ask, ,how was ur day? sending love to all

[Guest_1055]

It just made me smile Sleepy, maybe it was the way you said it. Or my imagination. It was "the "puff" kept falling out and I found myself surrounded by feathers ".

And you didn't know where the feathers were coming from. I actually didn't know those puffer jackets had feathers in them.

I mean no offense or anything dear Sleepy. I couldn't help but smile is all.

Forgot why I popped in here

xx

[Guest_1643]

Shelll I think I have a way with words at times... little puffs!@! I did not know either what the feathers look like.... i was scared I'd have no jacket left! 🙂

I have my jacket back now which is good. Also ordered a hot pink jumper which is coming soon. It may be too big as they say it is very oversized, hopefully I'll like it 🙂
Hope ur warm Shelly!

[Guest_1055]

🙂