Thinking about death.... all the time...

[Guest_1643]

Hi all

I've been struggling for 3 weeks with suicidal thoughts

My new GP is amazing

He tells me to think of suicidal thoughts as a symptom maybe a solution

Could he be right?

Today he assigned someone to give me a call to check in on my safety. I don't think that will happen. I've not received the call.
Small things like this lead to rage, hurt and fear for me.

And so I am left to deal with the thoughts alone.

[Guest_1643]

Hi Mark,

thanks i so very much appreciate you checking in and writing your post.

[Guest_1643]

hey all 🙂 you guys are so empathetic and amazing.
Thank u

My days have been a little rough, i'm struggling to just keep myself above water, taking care of my health and money and work... I feel very sensitive.
I've called thru trauma counselling a few times this week but yesterday I hung up because they were pressuring me to report stuff to police

I said -it can be a very hard process and she stopped me mid sentence and said "No but for many ppl it's very empowering to put the blame on others etc etc etc"

It's my choice and it's not a simple one.

I had a work colleague harrass me but it was not physical, just words and inappropriate gifts etc.
Anyway I don't want to go to teh police over that, I have no interest. He's a much much older man and well loved by many and i just feel like it's not my journey to fight.

[Boudica]

Hello sleepy,

Sorry that you have some creepy guy making your work life harder. I understand not wanting to report things, as it really just is another layer of stress, which no one wants when already overwhelmed.

I've been feeling a bit overwhelmed by life at the moment too. I have had a lot of stress on me for a long time coming from many different directions, and sometimes I cope but then there are times I just fall in a heap and become paralysed by negativity.

Like you I try to focus on the small things that I can take pleasure in, especially nature, to hold me up. Somehow it just helps to narrow my focus, as the big scary life things that are bearing down on me vanish for a bit when looking at the flowers or a caterpillar or the warmth of a cup of tea.

I even made a folder in my pinterest where I have curated a collection of funny animal videos and pictures that would usually get a smile from me. I use them sparingly, but somehow a black cat dressed as darth vader can always lift my mood by 1%. 1% may not seem much but if I find enough things that give me 1% I can keep moving. Eg. Darth vader cat + ginger tea + a pretty flower in a bottle on my table = winning combination of distraction from life's bigger problems, that are out of my control.

I hope you can find small things in your day today that can help get you through.

[Guest_1643]

Hey Boudaica - i''m really at the same place as you there. The darth vader cat sounds lovely!!!

very sunshiney and healing to just laugh at something very far removed from our lives!

i'm feeling like i have a cold today and it's throwing everything off when my MH is already not good. There's barely any sysmptoms, just a little bit off and tight throat, and i'm over that. 😞

I'm trying to take one thing at a time and do nice things for myself.

[Guest_1643]

hello Jen

how are u?

how's ur week, so far?

i'm okay, this week was horrible and tiring.. the new MH group wasnot bad but a little bit boring.
Takes a while to find one I like. Hard to know until u try. I am feeling a bit run down and tired, i need to get outdoors as often as I can - it really helps me stay sane.

Today I had some time outside inthe afternoon, the sky was beautiful and clear we are enjoying the last strands of warm weather before Winter.

Thanks for checking on me. I feel like everything is just one more hurdle these days.
Never ends.

[Guest_1055]

Hi there Sleepy

Have you pants arrived yet? Love receiving parcels in the post.

And I like all kinds of weather. I like the diversity of it.

Good to do one thing at a time I think. Can get overwhelming sometimes. Oh the outdoors, good on you for getting out there. Often makes me feel better too

[ecomama]

Dearest Sleepy

BIG congratulations for going back to work.
That's an INCREDIBLE achievement so kudos to YOU!
Well done.

I'm so proud of you. I honestly am.

I totally get how deeply you feel hurt by your parents.
You are a very sweet, kind, empathic and generous person.

Quite the opposite to your parents by the sounds of things! (They just sound nasty).
This happens so much and tbh I'm GLAD you are exactly the way you are.
Some times a child grows up to be VERY different to their parents.

This longing and grief you feel because of the lack of all sorts in your daughter / parent relationships is what needs soothing.

I see you always face a crossroads in this situation.
You know where the road leads when you're full on IN with them.....
You know how you feel when you have slight contact....

But ofcourse the road of NC is NOT knowing (not completely) and this is SCARY!
I know because I had to do it, it's extremely painful 100%. It's not so much now.

So just as your last post pointed out... the occasional phone call is pretty mind effing.
But you KNOW.
I hate to say to "expect it" but you definitely KNOW the feelings you're going to have during and after the call.

So your choices seem to be of THREE paths.
Which one is the better of these three?

Sometimes we DO have only yuck options. For now you seem to be choosing the middle path and if you can find ways to negotiate this path then GOOD!!
This one does seem "the least impact" of the 3.

Dear Sleepy, I convey this with the utmost care for you.... you cannot expect your parents to change.
Knowing YOURSELF is the Super Power you are developing.
Knowing the other parties we have conflict with promotes this Super Power.

A silly story... a while back I ran into an Aunty of mine I hadn't really seen for 15 years.
She didn't even recognise me!
I barely recognised her I'm telling you now lol.

I saw her looking at the Subway menu... I offered to buy her lunch and did this. (Family had told me she was in "rough times" financially).
We sat and ate lunch together.

I patiently listened to her exaggerated stories of how "well" her kids were doing.
I said nothing about my family. Just listened.

BEFORE she got to say the ridiculous parting words that I find really annoying with most people... stuff like... "we should catch up more often" and dumb stuff like that lol.... I said "we might run into each other again one day" and swiftly left.

I know myself.
I knew her.

Doneskis.

Love EM

[Jstar49]

Hey sleeps,

Gee yeah, your mum sounds super challenging also.

Have you any other relatives from your childhood who were positive role models? That has helped me in ways, to reflect on some more positive experiences and ppl who helped shape me. But some stuff only fell into place when I met 'long lost relatives' who shared my values about the environment. It still hurts heaps that I don't seem to fit into my foo family, or get much positive reinforcement there, but I have received it from so many other sources during my life so far that I have to trust......in something other than my parents.

I'm tired today- had work and then a work training session. Just more info and some time for feedback. Reflecting on my early weeks tho touched some raw emotions which I think has made me tired. I have so little time for processing emotions these days! But went for a walk with my dog so that has become a necessity most days. It seems to really help put a better end to my days, even tho I just want to sit down with a cuppa....

Work is great. It is draining, but I don't notice that until I get home, then I flake. Or get grumpy about cooking!!

I'm glad you're making things easy on yourself as much as possible. Love the 2 idea....would stop the dishes piling up!

Trying to figure out work dynamics would be tricky. I'm not much good at that, so this work suits me as it's lots of working alone, with clients. I hold very high expectations, so if you say you will do something, and then don't, I don't know exactly how to respond. I get po'd, but am usually too nice to say anything.

I'm not sure how I would handle your mum! No doubt it would build up until I didn't act nice anymore....hmmm.... How do you handle it? Pretty difficult when someone denies something like that.

My mum denies having told me about a pots and pans argument (as in, throwing) in her honeymoon days. I think shes embarrassed. But to me it's a story which shows what a passionate fiery woman she actually is, before she laced it up.

Maybe the indirect approach mite work with your mum. MH is still such a taboo subject, but you're changing it for your family, by being open and honest. It's difficult being a trailblazer. Thats why flocks of birds take it in turns at the center position. They share the load. I guess it's a good thing to remember, to drop back and let others take the front position for a while.

Dropping back for a bit...

Hugs,

J*

[Guest_1643]

Hi Em -

my mum is not the nicest. She also makes fun of my brother. she thinks his wife is a bit stupid and she desribes them as "the blind leading the blind" (Ie: both stupid).
Anyway to speak about ur son??
She thinks the wife is stupid because she has anxiety.

The wife is not stupid.
She has anxiety.
Oddly enough, my mum ALSO HAS ANXIETY. But won't admit it. So to those who sit so deep in denial about these things, they think that the ones who are open about it - are like horrible.

Blind leading the blind?

NC is working okay for the moment but I wander how long I can pull it off! It's been a while. I do have contact with her from tme to time so i guess i'm in the middle. It was the same old games each time i broke the NC

[ecomama]

Hi Sleepy and waves to everyone else!

The enmeshment we have in our families, esp the more dysfunctional ones, is damaging to us.
Being aware of our own entanglement and doing something about it helps alot.

Sleeps, there seems to be a LOT of finger pointing at other ppl happening in your family, esp the nastiness from mother to her own son and daughter in law. No, not nice and ofcourse NOT how we expect the picture book idea of "how parents are supposed to be".

In reality, NO parents are.
No parents are perfect or even close lol... they're just ppl who produced children.
Usually with no clues of HOW to raise them.
I see in alot of families just the repeated patterns of how THEY were raised.

But we could talk about this all day and get nowhere in progressing our own mental health.

When I was drowning in concern over Yvette's MH last year - Yvette seems to have similar tendencies to my mother.... inherited traits perhaps?
Well the MH advice I got was for ME to practice "radical self-care".

I thought that was ridiculous advice but I had no other stuff I COULD do.
So instead of staying in the vortex of extreme stress, worry etc etc, I decided to just DO IT ie attempt to practice radical self-care.

It's made the WORLD of difference to my life.
Since Yvette is my child and lives with me, it's helped her too!

Who would've thought?
Lol not me!

Self-care is mental HEALTH in action.
I feel for myself that when I am practicing mentally HEALTHY actions and thinking mentally healthy thoughts also, there's not as much room for mental unwellness to exist.

Sure for a long while there I was still feeling "wobbly" between the 2 worlds.
But choosing to keep doing those things that are healthy on repeat, on repeat, on repeat lol... is what got me through to the other side.

Now most things happen naturally or as a matter of habit.
Good habits.

It's not so easy to get to the other side when we are pre-occupied with the ruminating thoughts that our enmeshment produces.
And being triggered by people who keep the same ole stuff going.
In this situation I think the C-PTSD is mixed in with repeated traumatic experiences.

Now I'm more well, I can't say I feel "triggered" at all. Even with nuttiness going on. My baseline of "triggered" is in the C-PTSD realm and that ain't pretty!

Now PTSD is calmed, I feel really good.

You've got this!

Love EM