Thinking about death.... all the time...

[Guest_1643]

Hi all

I've been struggling for 3 weeks with suicidal thoughts

My new GP is amazing

He tells me to think of suicidal thoughts as a symptom maybe a solution

Could he be right?

Today he assigned someone to give me a call to check in on my safety. I don't think that will happen. I've not received the call.
Small things like this lead to rage, hurt and fear for me.

And so I am left to deal with the thoughts alone.

[Guest_4643]

Hey Sleepy.

I'm glad your Doctor is good and I hope that and therapy is going well for you.

That lady sounded rude, I'm sorry to hear about that. At least you managed to get in though. And yes that definitely is progress, I would've cried about that too, you've come a long way, even if it's a small thing like that. Well done, I'm proud of you.

Glad to hear as you wrote above you've been doing lots of self care too.

Take care, I'll be around, and on & off the forums.

[Guest_1643]

Thank u 🙂

I'm not so good on public holidays, i hate things closing. But luckily my support group was open over the weekend which was helpful.
I have been getting into home decoration which is great . It hasn't stopped raining here.
Bit intimidated by this winter, remembering how expensive it is to heat my place and also to keep myself warm. Boots, tights, woolens.... all expensive.
I guess I need Blue's saving tips thread!!

[Matchy69]

Hi Sleepy i just looked outside and I could see all this smoke from everyone's chimneys yet I still havent got mine going here. I hope you can stay warm this winter.In the past I have just stayed in bed on really cold days which probably isn't really good for my mental health.

Stay warm,

Mark.

[ecomama]

Hey Sleepy and a wave to everyone,

It'd be a GREAT Idea to post on Blue's money saving tips thread to get ideas about staying warm all Winter.

Reviving that thread could be really helpful!

When things were super tough here, taking a long walk around the neighbourhood first thing in the morning, was a terrific warm up for the whole day.
Maybe not in the rain though, depends on how adventurous you are really.

A tip from Alexa is she used Yoga clips from YouTube to really warm up.

You may find a Community Garden nearby to go to. They often have lots of community involvement and work ALL the time lol. Usually they have soup and bread to share for lunch etc.
Some gardens even have gorgeous outdoor ovens and cook all sorts from the garden to share.

It's a really wonderful way to stay warm and share a really healthy meal together.

Have you got a Crock Pot?
Heating things in that overnight is a wonderful warm thing to wake up to too.

Love EM

[Jstar49]

Hi Sleepy, hi all,

They are some great tips Em! I like the walking one. I often walk in the afternoon, just as it's getting chilly, and have noticed that I am warm in the evening while my H is cold. A walk in the morning is a great variation.

I often remind myself to get some sunshine in winter, as my house doesn't have much natural light inside. It's a big mood booster.

Sleepy I found a wonderful woolen jumper about 3 sizes too big at the op shop recently, and thought of you. I would send it to you if I could! Your comment about warm clothing reminded me of all the things I learned living in cold climates- layering, long sleeves and close fitting layers. Especially warm backs! If I have a long, long sleeved top which can keep my lower back warm, my day is definitely better! A warm wrap does wonders as well- one of those versatile things which can be put wherever you need it. I think I need to knit one of them next- would be easier than jumpers and cardigans! The one I have from my hippy meditating days needs replacing, and I do miss wearing it. I made it from some offcuts of light wool I found, possibly at an oppy. Handstitched and bits of random embroidery. I still love it!

I have no tips on boots. Do they still sell ex army boots at those awesome stores with everything in them? I forget what they're called. I LOVED my army boots! They made great pot plants when I was finished with them...Boots make me feel invincible- cue Nancy Sinatra!

Good on you for persisting in your request to enjoy a warm space at your convenience. How rude was that lady! I'm so sorry you were made to feel unwelcome. Local cafes here are like that after 2:30pm. So weird. Just because its the country no one drinks coffee in the afternoon?! Likewise, you have to know to get your take-away before 8pm, or you might miss out. Sometimes I miss the city life!

Good to see you too Sleepy. Work is keeping me busy, but it's nice to know I can still pop in here. I need to consider the issue of 'hardening up' a bit more. Not sure what its like for others, apart from one friend. I suspect I am more sensitive than many. but it's a difference I want to retain. I don't want to stop caring.

Love and hugs,

J*

[Guest_1643]

hey EM - i think i've seen communities gardens before but not known if i could go in - are they open at certain times to the public? Is it fresh produce for a cost?
I had a visit once when I had no money at all from two lovely volunteers from St Vincent De Paul. They came and gave me tips about all the places to go to get free/cheap fruit and veg in the area... completely slipped my mind til you mentioned it.

I love your idea of communal meals together. I think it's those thigs that have gone out the window for me, communal gatherings and doing chores together. I noticed a stark change in hospital sharing meals with ppl there. Even if someoe bought me a cup of tea or something it was almost too much for me, so kind and not used to. To be honest, I'm really drawn to manners. Must be a trauma thing and i've been around so many narc ppl who had none. If someone says please or thank you i'm so grateful. And then if they bring me a cup of tea? I'm so touched.

I'll look into it EM, thank u. Money is tight. When I was in hospital I saved a tonne. Then came home and all the bills are piling up. But I've been spending money here and there on my home (and receiving donations from friends, old furniture etc) and i feel like that's worth the cash...because it humanises me. I like all my books and trinkets. Before now they were literally in piles on the floor. Now I have my swish kmart shelfs (20 dollars!) and i'm ... human.

[Guest_1643]

Hi Tayla, great to have your contributions. Thanks for your comment!

[Guest_1643]

Hi Mark -

How's ur fire going?
I'm feeling a bit burnt out advocatig with the landlord etc to get the new heater. Tired. How was ur appointment yesterday? That's good u got in quickly. Waiting takes up so much energy.
My doctor also runs late at times, I like to journal while I wait. I always have a book and a pen in my bag. Otherwise I do get restless waiting. My previous therapist who I reported used to have this tiny awkward chair for one person to sit on while you wait. I also found it depressing sitting there.

[Guest_1643]

Hey J that sounds so cool with army boots, u must've looked great. I would like to get some blundstones which I wore as a kid so are very nostalgic for me. I'm really interested to know about ur tips of staying warm.
I have never been so good at it! Did u learn a lot of tips etc? there are whole blogs about this by ppl in cold/snowy parts of America about staying warm and layering...!

A walk in the morning was a great idea from EM. I struggle as well as my house isn't light.... it makes it hard for me to connect to the outdoors. It could be a beautiful day and i'd still not feel it in my place

I think that's really cool about retaining softness and not becoming too hard. It's a part of us that seems to suffer if we try and shove it down.

My doctor is quite sensitive and it's allowing me to admit parts of myself as well that are covered up.

I had a very negative experience with a GP he knows and I always joke about how terrible he is. I tell him that it wasn't helpful seeing him and that he was arrogant. But then when i go back and remember seeing that GP, it didn't quite go that way. Actually, I quite liked him initially. I even left him a good review online. I thought he seemed nice. But then after a while he disappointed me and didn't have time for me, so it's probably partially the wound of someone not being who they seemed. I deeply do want to be helped and to have good experiences and sometimes I'm quite sensitive to the bad ones. And having to see doctors and recently even to go to hospital, I've certainly met some ppl who should not be working in health or mental health or with people.
It takes a toll on me too. I can't harden up either.

[Matchy69]

Hi Sleepy I have a doctor's appointment this afternoon so I will see what they say then .Sometimes they are really hard to get into here and I could only get an afternoon appointment which I hate because I will be anxious and nervous all day about it.

The fire is wonderful keeps everyone warm and it does warm the whole house.My house isn't real big and works well at heating it.One good thing it doesn't cost me anything to run as I have an endless supply of free firewood.

The bills keep coming in and just got my water rates even though I don't use it and only try and use tank water I still have to pay for having it connected.

Taje care,

Mark.