Thinking about death.... all the time...

[Guest_1643]

Hi all

I've been struggling for 3 weeks with suicidal thoughts

My new GP is amazing

He tells me to think of suicidal thoughts as a symptom maybe a solution

Could he be right?

Today he assigned someone to give me a call to check in on my safety. I don't think that will happen. I've not received the call.
Small things like this lead to rage, hurt and fear for me.

And so I am left to deal with the thoughts alone.

[Matchy69]

Hi sleepy my son's medication seems to be working already.I will see how he goes over the weekend and didn't get worst.My daughter is doing ok.Shes not going to school today as its cross country.She didn't do any of the sports activities.

I use mow and do gardening for a block of units run by a body corporate and everything had to be approved by them first.I never had any problem with them,just more of a nuisance sometimes.I hope the heater gets approved for you.All you can smell in the air here is smoke from people's fire places.This morning seems slightly warmer then it's been.Yesterday I got straight in with my appointment when I usually have to wait ages there.

Take care,

Mark.

[Jstar49]

Hey Sleepy,

Thats good news about the heater. With any luck that will all go smoothly! Adequate heating in winter is a basic human right when you live in cold areas!

That therapist sounds a bit out of touch. It's slack if she doesn't even check her recommendations/referrals to see if they are still providing the services she's referring for.

I don't hink enough time/money is spent on keeping ppl well, more on crisis management. There is a quote by Desmond Tutu which I think is quite apt:

“There comes a point where we need to stop just pulling people out of the river.

We need to go upstream and find out why they’re falling in.”

I have been working, which is very exciting and also very ......draining. It's exciting having some money of my own again, and I love the work, helping people. It's a big change tho, and I am very sensitive to ppl and their pain. My friend says I will harden up.....that doesn't sound good, but perhaps it's necessary. Atm I feel like I could cry a lot of the time. In time I'm hoping my work might be more in the realm of finding out why ppl are falling in, and being able to do something about that!

Treading water....? I think thats the term you were looking for. I liked Marks term of staying afloat......it's a basic survival strategy, not to be underestimated.

Sending hugs, and hope the journey continues to move in a generally positive direction!

J*

[Guest_4643]

Hi Sleepy, just wanted to pop in since having a bit of a break, and say I'm thinking of you.

I'm sorry about that "therapist" who they had no idea who they were, that's ridiculous, I hope it was reported. I'm sorry you dealt with that.

I hope you can find a good therapist if you're still looking for one. I haven't read much else yet since I'm just quickly popping on and off the forums. Take care.

[Guest_1643]

Hi Mark, thanks for that info about the body corporate. Hoping they approve it and it doesn't take ages. It was a pleasant surprise so far that the landlord is keen to do this anyway. I'm really happy about that and grateful.

Fair enough ur daughter takes a break at the cross country - good she can get a break and hang out a bit. Hope she's doing okay. Glad ur son's medications are working so far. Are u okay with everything that's going on for him? Hopefully the doctors have found something that works well for him!!

Saw my doctor who is really nice. He is quite young, which I think is better for me. I feel they learn more progressive things at med school these days. The ones who are quite old sometimes have not learnt much about new approaches. We talked a bit about crystals, which I like. I don't have any but I like them.

[Matchy69]

Hi sleepy yes I do have some concerns that's worrying me about my son.This is a long term thing so is a big concern.I just hope it didn't come to the worst scenario.All is good at the moment but just want to be prepared for the worst case scenario.Its probably how I been most of my life.Maby my way of coping.He has worn me out today and I had to take an extra pain relief tonight as I have been in a lot of pain today.

Today I just had a discussion with my daughter about what she wants to do next year.She says she wants to work as an animal attendant so we found all the places in the phone book for her to apply and send her resume to.Places like pet store,kennels,zoos etc.So trying to get her mindset on the next phase of her life and preparing for it.

Take care,

Mark.

[Guest_1643]

Hi Mark

that's so cool. Good luck for her in finding something! Great that she has identified her interest in working with animals. It's a great industry/ interest and lots of volunteer stuff that can be done as well.

Hope she finds something she likes.
Hope u feel a bit better and sorry for all the stress u are under at the moment. I'm sorry you are going through all this.

[Matchy69]

Thanks sleepy it helps just to be able to talk about it on here. it's the only safe place I have to talk.Talking to my ex about it makes me more stressed and makes me feel like I should be in a mental hospital.I hope as ll goes well and you can get that heater installed.Little things like staying warm can make a big difference to your mental health.

Take care,

Mark.

[Guest_1643]

hey Mark

some ppl really do make us feel worse... i know that feeling. Sorry she makes you feel that way.
Glad u can talk here.
Hope ur son is okay over the weekend.

[Guest_1643]

just wanted to say hi to you j, i've missed you!

i'm excited to hear about ur new role! is it draining? what do u think about the "hardening up?" element? Is that how ppl cope with jobs helping others? Sounds like it's a way ppl protect themselves from feeling all the feelings.
I think that's a beautiful saying regarding pulling ppl out of the water. A lot of MH in the past was almost avoidant of asking that very question - why are they in the water in the first place? no one wanted to listen.

I'm really hoping the heater comes soon... it is so important. I negotiated a decent size one to come. It is needed.

Have been doing tonnes of self-care.... treading that water so I need it!!

[Guest_1643]

HI all

Still strugglig a lot with sleep and calmness. Hypervigilance. Etc

Was proud I successfully napped for about 50 minutes. I don't nap a lot but I think I need it every so often.

My doctor still very kind. Everyone seems to be worried i'll flee and stop therapy. I hope I don't. It's still early days. I guess long-term is hard to think about. At the beginning it's easy to be committed, i'm interested and intrigued in his approach and open to trying new things. Then after a while ppl disappoint... food for thought, anyway.

I was so anxious last night I went to a coffee shop that opens late at night, about 1.5 hours before they close, and asked to sit outside and have a drink. First she said she had just closed the machine. I said fine, I'll have a slice of some sort (i just wanted to sit in their cosy heated outdoor area) and she said "Can it be take-away, I want to start packing up."

There were tonnes of customers, she didn't pack up for ages, and I convinced her I'd just be quick. But it made me feel like a nuisance.
Anyway I stood my ground and she let me sit, but she had tonnes of customers and I only sat there for ten minutes. I guess she had a hard day, or whatever. And I'm not a regular customer and don't buy a lot.

I ate my weird little lemon slice thingy and read the paper for a few minutes and hopefully no one was inconvenienced, she was serving other customers.

Ppl! Years ago I just would have ran away and cried in my car. So, progress?
Love to all.