Thinking about death.... all the time...

[Guest_1643]

Hi all

I've been struggling for 3 weeks with suicidal thoughts

My new GP is amazing

He tells me to think of suicidal thoughts as a symptom maybe a solution

Could he be right?

Today he assigned someone to give me a call to check in on my safety. I don't think that will happen. I've not received the call.
Small things like this lead to rage, hurt and fear for me.

And so I am left to deal with the thoughts alone.

[ecomama]

Hey Sleepy

It's a tricky thing working out a "balance" of our reaction when someone is abusive.
Absolutely 100% the abuse is all on them.

I'm sorry that person yelled at you the other day, happened to me the other day to... just a stranger but she was intoxicated, still NO excuse but not my "stuff". It upset me all the way home but I knew it was nothing to do with me. I just happened to be in her path at that time - could've happened to anyone.

Alot of abusive ppl have "stuff" backed up in them that is nothing to do with us.

But we have to remember that THAT stuff is also not our responsibility.

It's hard to find the fine line when in relationships with others imho.
Because there will be conflict in relationships at times... so when does an argument become abusive? Probably when name calling happens and the rest.

It was a shame you didn't get to share your hospital experience with that lovely support worker.
I agree, it's so rare when ppl get us, get DV, get FV, get the whole dynamic of it all and KNOW what to say and how to help you.
I really GET how important they become to us, like a jewel on a beach of sand. Hugs.

Hope you like the SBSK Clip I wrote about. It was wonderful listening to a person describe how her MHIs have affected her but also how she's coped.

I'm doing okay lol. Lots of family issues going on, trying to sort thing out with BF, collecting mother's pets today and the housing repairs looming atm. And back to work FT tomorrow just to add to the FUN! IDK I need a holiday after 2 weeks off work hahaha.

Love EM

[Guest_1643]

hi EM sorry I posted just before ur post came up!

How are u wonderwoman??? juggling so much!! i read that ur mother hasn't been too well. Sending love to u all. Must be busy with the house etc... and u said the lantana is going!! I always think of that movie... Lantana. ! I love the name 🙂 Maybe i'll call my firstborn Lantana lol, since I love that name so much.

Then i saw the clip... I have seen that man before and thought he was a true gem - did you know Alyssa is his partner of 6 years. I'm very interested in her. I've read a bit about her diagnoses and can relate to her. Thank u for sending...

i had a bit of a hard day as a family member came over..... not parents, another relative and i feel blah.
I got very bad with boundaries and let her in and showed her my place. There was literally no need to, but I did. I am not good with my boundaries with her as she breaks them a lot, so I've not been in contact with her for a long time.

Now we are tentatively in contact from time to time and she wanted to bring over some soup. I felt bad because I didn't want to be rude etc. But she has been so judgemental etc and closed. I guess she came into my house but not my heart. I have to remember that.
She isn't dangerous or gossipy. Just a bit controlling and judgemental. And likes to take charge. Tell me what's wrong with me. That kind of thing.
Guess what's wrong with me? Nothing lol.
It's her own stuff, I just realised, she is probably super anxious and unwell in her own way and has a lot of blocked pain.
I used to worship her.
Now I just worship no one and tune in more to myself, so our dynamic has to be very different. I used to say thank u to her a million times for the smallest scraps she would bring me.
Although she was quite generous and bought me a huge care pack.
And then we looked at succulents I have and she told me she had some growing at home and will bring me some.
Okay. Bring me succulents. I guess there's all that external stuff which helps and is lovely but the true support and care has been here and from my workers and true friends.
I see the difference these days.

[ecomama]

Hey Sleepy

It was kind of you to allow that relative to come in to your home.
I know what you mean tho, she was there to visit you and it feels rude not to let them in when they visit.

Having those "surface" niceties is what alot of our familial relationships can be.
She's extending some type of care, so that's nice of her lol even if it could be more about her! IDK.

I'm glad you've heard of SBSK. Yes I saw in that clip they've been together 6y. They're very sweet together. Both of them have so much patience!! And love. There's a lot of love there.

Alexa thinks she's been misdiagnosed and wants to contact them about it!

You could visibly see Alyssa disassociating right there as she was trying to talk to the camera!

It was very interesting.

So did this relative say there was nothing wrong with you?

I think there's nothing "wrong" with you but you're travelling life dealing with some MHIs.
That's not "wrong" - pretty much life for most of us here.

Sensible you're letting her into your home but guarding your heart.

We can have these seemingly "trivial" relationships and keep what we really want to share for those who have our backs.

Yes things are clunky atm with mother being extremely unwell. Tons of issues around mother.

Back to work today for me... that'll be fun! lol.

Love EM

[Guest_1643]

hey all 🙂

this relative was difficult with me related to MH

she didn't say there' snothing wrong me but was more like telling me what i did wrong when I was unwell and how i was not accepting help. She always encouraged me to be like a rag, polite and sweet to all. Then when I got unwell she told me not to ever tell ppl I was anxious or use the word anxiety because it has weird connotations. She also thought depression was a really bad diagnosis ... lots of weird things. I dont think she seemed to interested in my experienec in hospital either. Talking to her was like smothering away all the dark stuff. I still have anxiety discussing hospital at all because I'm so so used to it being this huge shameful secret.

I've been to hospital a fair few times now and I distanced myself from this relative because I was tired of feeling embarrassed. I think hospital has been pretty good for me.
I learnt tonnes of stuff there and if u have a good doc, as I do, the potential negatives (such as getting dependent on that level of care, getting used to it, not being as independent...) can all be mitigated.

my doctor is looking for a trauma specialist for me which I hope will be good

I was seeing a therapist /social worker before I met the new doctor and i kinda have to let her go. I haven't really told her yet. Im still terrified the doctor will abandon me and I'll have nothing. The trauma comes up in the search for me. I find it hard to dump a psychologist because I feel their pain. Meanwhile, the real pain is in my bank balance as these ppl aren't free!!

I told the social worker I want to take a break for a bit but still felt terrible. I don't really need her anymore. she was on leave frequently and the therapy was always disrupted. I feel like the psychiatrist is more available and then u can build that rapport with a good momentum.

[ecomama]

Hey Sleepy

Hugs. I understand how dealing with all different medical and mh professionals can be triggering.
Even making a call for an appt can be.

I understand.

I was a bit confused by "feeling their pain" though.

I hope you can understand that people DO change therapists and Drs and NEED to at times.
In fact I don't think I know ANYONE who hasn't.

So changing is par for the course and far more normal than I think you believe.

It's really only YOUR business when you feel the need to change, stop, leave.... anything.
It's absolutely NOT about them.

It's about YOU.

As for your relative, yeah I get it. Everyone's an expert about how we need to handle EVERYTHING when they've never been through anything even similar, relatives are the worst or BEST at this lol.
Awful.

I find that unless we do have surface type relationships with them about succulents and what not... there isn't one.
We can't be "deep".

Yet possibly for people like you and I we really seek authentic connections, that can be REAL in nature - no hiding or covering up necessary... people we can be honest with, without harsh judgement. Just kind, compassionate people.

I think they're rare! But they do exist lol.

These are quality relationships in my idea of them.

The others we can still "have" and know etc but they just don't pass into the closest parts of us and that's okay!

Love EM

[Guest_1643]

Hugs to u EM
Hope u are doing amazing today 🙂

[Guest_1643]

Hi all!

Hurrah mold is gone, and possibly a new heater/air con may be installed. Don't want to get my hopes up but the landlord has sent a professional to quote how much that'd cost. I think that would make life a lot easier for me.

I have a heater but it is moody and doesn't always work. It is more decorative than anything.
Other than that I use my own portables which work well but my lounge room is oddly shaped and needs something stronger.

The therapist I saw prior to meeting the psychiatrist wasn't the right one for me, but she was very practically minded and gave me decent advice about things. It wasn't enough and didn't help and some her suggestions as well were a bit wishful - like she sent me to organisations and resources that no longer exist, or couldn't offer me help. She also told me she couldn't continue to see me unless I was case managed by the hospital - however, that isn't my choice. The hospital doesn't want to case manage me. I'm too "well" - which is what it is. But she didn't really understand that I do try and organise these supports, and am often rejected.

The psychiatrist explained a lot of this to me. He said if a person has a very specific and acute diagnosis than the hopsital helps, but there's a vast ocean of mental anguish that they just don't deal with.
It's just one of those things.

I may see this woman for a few more wrap up sessions or I may not. Depending on what she can offer. There is one particular issue related to reporting the medical practioner that I do need support with. It is scary and triggering for me.

I believe her support made it possible but now I'm kinda wading through on my own. Still, I'm getting there.

What do they call that, when u move ur arms in water to stay afloat???

Object permenance... i'm lookign for words!! Keep swimming everyone 🙂 love you all

[Matchy69]

Hi Sleepy that's good the mould is gone.Thst can cause health issues if left there.Fingers crossed that you do get a new heater,I suppose it will depend on how generous your landlord is.It has been cold enough here to have the fire going I can smell smoke in the air from others that are going but haven't started mine up yet.Havent been feeling up to it.

I was a sleep last night when I got some test results about 8pm for my son and it's very worrying for me and he is going to be off school for awhile.I will put more on my thread later.I have to go into town laterthis morning to have some more scans for myself.

You are doing a wonderful job staying afloat sleepy.

Take care,

Mark.

[Guest_1643]

hey EM... remembering when u wrote earlier how I didn't want ppl in my house lol

Today I had TWO tradesmen (and yesterday one!!)

What a day.

My MH is bit shaky today. i was doing very well and feel like i've ruined it or something i don't know

seeing psychiatrist over the weekend.

[Guest_1643]

Hi Mark i just read on ur thread about ur son

i'm so sorry it's been so hectic and sending you lots of support. Hoping for good news.

How was ur son today?
I was wandering how your daughter has been as well. Hope they're managing

Thanks for ur wishes...the heater has been approved by the landlord but now onto the body corporate. I'm a little nervous as I've heard from other tenants in the building that they are difficult and annoying. Let's see, I guess. I hope they don't make troubles for me.