Thinking about death.... all the time...

[Guest_1643]

Hi all

I've been struggling for 3 weeks with suicidal thoughts

My new GP is amazing

He tells me to think of suicidal thoughts as a symptom maybe a solution

Could he be right?

Today he assigned someone to give me a call to check in on my safety. I don't think that will happen. I've not received the call.
Small things like this lead to rage, hurt and fear for me.

And so I am left to deal with the thoughts alone.

[ecomama]

So this all happened at work just while you weren't there?

Seems to be none of his beeswax.

I hope it gets sorted.

Mould is yuck Sleepy.
Is it on your ceiling?

Gosh talk about "reporting", are you able to report that to the Property Manager?
(I can almost hear you say you don't want strangers in your house.... am I right?).

Hugs hugs and MORE hugs!

You're doing so WELL!

Nice to hear you set up a cosy nook in your room. Sounds perfect lol!

I've been drinking alot of hot Milo, it's so yummy.

Love EM

[Jstar49]

Hey Sleepy,

Thats a really sucky turn of events. Glad you're focusing on staying strong, looks like you're gona need it.

Is it an option to officially report this guy? Sounds like he's trying to quash any notion of you telling your truth and being believed, before it even gets to that. I don't know enough of the situation tho to say, but I trust what your Dr has said, and if he's supporting you to sort this out then thats awesome. Anyone who has a vested interest in looking good will lie, even before there is a need for it. Also, if he's abused you, then he's abused others, and would be well practiced in covering his tracks.

Super salty situation all round!

I wonder if anyone else that you know has a story about this guy? Power in numbers....

I'm thinking of you wrapped in a blanket and drinking milo......hope you get those winter woolies soon Sleepy 🧡

Big hugs,

J*

Ps milo sounds good Em! Maybe I'll make one! Currently have my feet up after first week back at work. Well, three days, but thats enough for my first week. Sore everywhere! But have money in the bank....woohoo!

[Guest_1643]

hi all

thanks for thnking of me with the woolens guys!!

mold is not my friend

i've been just relaxing in to home after hospital and taking it easy. How are u all???

struggling a little bit with self-care, which is something I go through a bit. Little wins. The rain is making me nervous here. It is so dreary. Not only is it bad for me with mould and leaks but it's just so overpowering with mood.

Anyone else feel down when it's rainy ?

I see no magic in it whatsoever.

I'm still doing mindfulness classes and looking to add art therapy which is exciting.
Exciting to have a few choices.
There are pathways to get these things, after 1.5 years of not being able to afford much and dreaming of doing classes and getting help. That does make me feel like a survivor.

[Delectable]

Hi Sleepy, I recall Hanna saying she applied for a bursary for her music lessons so that maybe something you could enquire about or ask her for more information about. I know it’s frustrating when people ignore what you write but maybe it will work this time.

All the best for NDIS, it’s very time consuming and drawn out by people who have to document and then you only get 28 days before you have to reapply. I can only hope the letter writers will submit the reports for you, in the time frame provided.

Alternatively you could apply for dsp as you’ll have the letters for NDIS you can use...therefore giving you a little more money to do an alternative therapy.

[Guest_1643]

Hi Delectable,

I'm funded already for art classes and mindfulness so that's all good,

Fully covered and I can go to both as well as see a doctor. It just took me about a year to get to this point and had a lot of hitches because i asked to go on the NDIS and was discouraged to even try, and was so confused about the differences between case manger, NDIS DSP etc, I just gave up.

Finally I found a competent professional who explained it and assisted me to get in so it appears to be better now, but it's just exhausting how long it has taken.

There were many things i wanted to do over the past year - various therapies and classes etc and I couldn't afford it, so that was discouraging and limiting as I had much anxiety over how I could afford treatment etc.
I want to get well and it's so hard.

[Guest_1643]

Went to my support group today...I wasn't even sure to go, as I'm really pretty focussed on seeing the psychiatrist now and don't feel as much that I needed it

But I went anyway

My fave social worker was there

I've seen/interacted with him for nearly a year ata this support group, seen him almost every single week, we've spoken on many many issues together and had an aweome rapport

He's particularly good with DV and gave me great resources and tips... great person and very skilled

He was soooo weird to me today. The group wasn't very well attended but he didn't greet me when i came in, and pretty much ignored me. He didn't check in with me how I was going (as we do in the group) and asked me no questions - not even how was hospital, Sleepy?

Last time I saw him we talked extensively about the prospect of a hospital stay and he gave some advice about it and his experienec working with ppl in hospitals

I talked with others in the group and that was it.
It was super weird. Also kind of a betrayal, I don't know, I find it so hard to like and trust workers and he was my fave.
For a year!

People confuse me in this way. I can't think too much about it, or I'll start to think I did something wrong or offended him... and I can't see how I possibly could of. he actually completely excluded me in a way. I don't know why. He was a support and caring person to me recently.... so what has changed?

I feel like things are changing for me in the moment, like I'm poised on a delicate rock ready to jump... this moment in time is such a small dot, that second before you jump. I'm here now, but I'm certain in the near future it will all change... and i'm just watching it.
It's quite a rush!

[Jstar49]

Hi Sleepy,

It was so good to read your post, and see that, even tho you had a less than positive experience with someone you have trusted to support you, you are doing good self talk and being positive. You said "I can't think too much about it, or I'll start to think I did something wrong or offended him... and I can't see how I possibly could of" and thats soooo GOOD! Everyone has bad days, days when they forget to check in on someone they care about, he might have been preoccupied and will be kicking himself about it later/now.

The important thing is that you don't let it rock your boat. Maybe there's a shiver rippling the water, but you sound sturdy, and able to ride this one out.

I guess thats why we need a network, and not rely on just one person, even if they are a professional and here to help us. So it's awesome that you went to the group, even if you no longer have the same need for it that you once had. Its really good when more stable and experienced members of a group hang around and can help support newer members. Maybe you're becoming one of those Sleepy?

You say that you feel like poised 'on a delicate rock, ready to jump'.....beautiful description btw! So full of potential, and hanging in the balance......How does that feel for you? Do you feel safe, essentially? Apart from the thrill of the unknown, which always involves some danger.....

Here's hoping that you can feel your safety net beneath you, so that even if the jump doesn't go so well, you've still got a safe landing. Sounds like knowing you can count on your support team can really help with that.

I'm excited for you Sleepy!

Hugs,

J*

[ecomama]

Hey Sleepy

That support worker was probably having a really bad day. I know they're not supposed to let things infuse into their support time, but they're only human too and it does happen.

My Counsellor was so distracted in some sessions, it has been over 5y, so I asked her if she was okay?
THAT was a surprise!
Like clients are not supposed to ask if their support workers are okay lol.
She wasn't. Her mum in America was ill and she was trying to organise flights to see her.

I know this is an ongoing stressor for her.
As we may all have ongoing stresses and ofcourse it's kind of NOT okay to let these bleed into sessions but on the human side, it's completely understandable.

Just think that.

It's not you at all. It's literally impossible lol. You're AWESOME.

Have you seen the beautiful Waldorf Art lessons on YouTube?
OMG SO BEAUTIFUL!
I can just imagine you with all sorts of watercolour paintings around you.
My cousin who was a Waldorf Steiner teacher actually wallpapered her rental home in them! LOL! So pretty and LIGHT.

Indeed the miserable weather can bring a dullness to our day.
Being a gardener, I see rain as LIFE.
Without water we wouldn't survive.
Just my POV.

The whole NDIS thing is a mire to navigate.
I hope you can get LOTS of support ongoing with whatever you need for your healing.

Remember that even though we need others to guide us in our mental wellness journey, the majority of work is on US making all those changes, most esp to the way we think.

Regardless of anything Sleepy, it's absolutely 100% CLEAR that you are a survivor.
If you're breathing today, you survived and I thank you for doing whatever it took to do that.

You are SUNSHINE to me and warmth to everyone here.
It can rain all it wants!

YOU warm every place you're in.

Lots of love always EM

[ecomama]

Hey Sleepy

Alexa just showed me a YouTube clip and I thought that you'd probably be interested in watching it too.

Not sure if you've heard about SBSK?
It's a really beautiful movement I think you could call it... anyway the one Clip that was very interesting was the one called "SBSK Alyssa"... the couple who run it interview each other.
Alyssa has multiple diagnoses and talks as openly as she's able to about the impacts and her experiences.

It's really beautiful to watch. A humbling experience for me tbh.

Hope it's okay that I mentioned it?

Love EM

[Guest_1643]

hi EM

how are u???

beautiful watercolours around me... wow.... i did my first watercolour painting recently. And i said that at the time (it was in an art class) - i'm new to this. Old hang ups about stuff I should've done now as an adult in my 30s but have never done....

I've got a few! There are a lot of places i've never been as well... chunks of life missing...
But water colour painting is fun! And looking at them sounds like a nice peaceful place...lol to the wallpaper - love it!!

ur right sometimes it's just a bad day. i have a special place in my heart for this man because he really was the first one to help me situate myself as someone who blamed myself for others' actions. It was a loop in my brain. I shared it with him and he said to me
"That'd be like blaming urself if u walk accross the road and a car goes through a red light, coming near u (gd forbid....) I would blame myself for that. I blame myself for not keeping others calm and happy. It was a way to understand life.
Today a very scary person swore at me on the street and it took a while for me to understand he was just in a bad place. He calmed down in the end but it wasn't my fault what he said I'd done at all, he was jut having a bad day.
I guess it's the same as the social worker. I was looking forward to talking to him about my hospital stay so it was a bit annoying. I always like his perspective on things. I like how social workers have all these resources, professional resource-holders. They can tell u who to call for anything. I've got some great tips from him.

I haven't met so many professionals previously who got DV and trauma. I wish it wasn't so misunderstood. He was the first one. So I'm grateful for that. Soon starting art therapy - hoping to do more painting!!