Surviving: Being in a better place

demonblaster · ‎01-06-2017

Hi all 🙂
Thought this thread might be of use to talk about your stories if you like and where you're at now.
In a better place.

I have Bipolar, (BP) pretty sure all my life. Wasn't diagnosed, I approached them thinking I have this at age 46.
The ups (mania) are magic, ying and yang (opposites) evident with BP & in many other ways.
The downs, crippling. Still ..but I'm DETERMINED to beat them with time & effort and professional help.One of the psychiatrists said it can't be beaten, I say cause it maybe hasn't been done, doesn't mean it can't be.
Have come an incredibly long way so far.
Long way to go probs but HAS to be sooner rather than later, else this mother of a demon will get me, I live in fear of going under the line again which majority of the time the head goes South but looking back at those times knowing I got through & that it's not always like that helps.
SO many good times, happy times between.

The cycles have gone from Rapid cycling (4 or more a yr) to 8/10 a yr since the loss of my beloved partner of 28yrs to leukaemia.

My teens starting at 14yrs I attempted suicide 4 times.
You're in hell considering, contemplating & ultimately attempting suicide, we're going against our strongest basic instinct. Survival.

Wanted OUT, couldn't see anything but Black in my head, no light, no way out, no other choice, the depression beast had me engulfed as it does most of the time in cycles now too.
Rock bottom. The pits.

I've learnt a lot one thing is it doesn't stay this way.
Sleep's vital. We don't get a lot or quality when down, it affects how we feel usually in a negative way.
Life's so much harder when we're tired and exhausted, we see feel & react to things differently
That part of our brain that works at pulling us down, I think with everyone, not only mental illness or disorders

Self esteem rock bottom, still working at it, it's true we have to like/love ourselves works as a shield.
Great loving good parents lucky

If I'd known in suicide yrs I'd meet a beautiful loving partner and have so much love from family, friends and happiness between the downs, I wouldn't have attempted.

BP downs equate to heavy grieving alone without it on top.It slammed but now I'm looking back and Yes still hurts, always will but we owe it to ourselves to keep going. We don't know whats ahead and nothing stays the same.

I know that now.

demonblaster · ‎26-09-2017

Yeah other people too are lovely if they're being supportive and caring for others as well as their personality in posts as yours.
Self confidence is massive to build yeah depression buries our goods but it's an absolute must, one of our biggest strengths we can have to fight the good fight.
We need to push through the black, take a torch, find. Our goods are there, find em, grab em, hold em every day keep reminding yourself. It'll come, you start to feel better within yourself. truth

My self esteem was rock bottom as a teen, had lot of happies too but it was always beneath. Taken yrs to build this far & I'm going all the way. I don't act as some people do, I have a chunk of confidence, several people say I'm so confident, but still lot underlying. Getting there.
You will too, & so far that's how I've learnt, also what was a huge boost having partner that unconditionally loved me, friends/family lot of that like/love that made me realise must have goods. I think most of us do.

Thx asking yeah good, always great to see him ticks every box lovely friend too not socially shame. Mainly sussing what I have to watch for not getting hooked to heavies for pain which good news back still not good but lot better, FINALLY with luck gunna keep improving and scripts, physio stuff to do for neck/Back stengthening

Lot of social activity saw several friends/acqaintances. Missed bus Doc running late, no probs some need longer & couple emergencies so went club played bit of keno was talking to a beautiful 93 yo man, walk without a stick all facalties, a lady he knows & I were pretend fighting over him, then he was talking about other ladies so we arched up lol. Also a 91 yo man on bus I like a lot, great knowledge & convo. Even better condition, amazing. Nursed a 104 yo lady, walked talked, what an honor, left so dunno how long she lived. (Sydney) Reversed Psychology on her once, she'd kick up for a bath & at that age whatever I reckon so I gave a shot at righto, spoke a little like she did at those times with tone & said that's alright I've gone to the trouble of running it now it's gunna be wasted or something, few mins later, "where's the bath then" 😄 (Y)

V.tired but ok atm

Sleep well or as best you can. Been in your thread read all posts from my last. You're doing fine darl, keep it up, you're on the right track, can only improve from here & time has a knack of pulling us out into different scenes. It won't all be bad (( ))

Ditto hugs

Poppy_Clitheroe · ‎26-09-2017

I have Complex PTSD and probable BPD #2. I have been treated for my mental health conditions since adolescence but not with the right diagnosis until 10-odd years ago... I am nearly 44. I found your story very inspiring. I believe in these areas individual narratives are very significant - my psych and mental-health visitor always talk first about treating me, not a dignosis. I have felt for the last few years that it is like learning to ride waves - up and down - I find roller-coaster metaphors a bit too extreme...and dis-empowering. I believe with not just my heart but with all the rational power at my disposal that this learning and adapting is possible - it might not solve, but you can manage. I lost my mother (my greatest support) to cancer last year and I do understand the profound impact of grief. Thankyou for your sharing and insight. I apologize I have not read the rest of this thread - am brand-new to this kind of connection. Regards PC

startingnew · ‎27-09-2017

Good morning DB

how were you able to build up your self esteem? You said that you have it and you go all the way but still have things hidden esp due to depression etc but how were you able to hmmm.... bring it out from beneath it all. Kinda like dusting it off and using it again...
it seems to have been and still is a really good assett to have in recovery and being able to move forward. Is it really just about being happy?

It sounds like youve got a good gp who really has your best interest at heart. Have you already got a physio to help with your strengthening?

It sounds like youve been having a good time, as life should be. I thnk its great that your being activly social and gettng out there. Good on you

hope you were able to get some good sleep in last night

xoxoxoxox

demonblaster · ‎27-09-2017

Poppy or do you prefer PC, Hi & welcome to this amazing site, and thankyou so much for your appreciation and great post.

Very sorry about losing your dear Mum, what I learnt from so much support from friends/family/ &here initially is a constant that helped no end is allow yourself as long as you need for grieving. I found distraction worked & needed it but it was exactly that, the mind still had to go through it which is ok cause we have to get to the other side which I THINK I have. Always hurts but severity decreases in time and the great memories are replaced.

Yes I'm more type 2 these days but from research & type 1 & 2 diagnosis from 2 separate Psychs which just realised when I approached them I was in type 1 at that time WOW though lol, wow now too for type 2 as well (mania anyway) luckily no hallucinations, Grand deur. Poor buggas.
Type 2 we have more & deeper depression I've read on different articles, Joy 🙂 kinda ying & yang also the whole BP deal aye.

Glad to hear you're of the same thinking too.

Understand how you feel being new and massive site, so much to learn, bounce around & wow I'm learning stuff galore that I'm stoked about cause it's helping.
No probs not reading whole thread,takes time I wanna read back on a lot but have to work out how not to spend hrs here which I'm really enjoying tho, cause also for learning more but helping hopefully others too.
Starwolf here my absolute ROCK has continually supported me and she does as these amazing Community Champions also help so many others, IF you have time & honestly not hassling you may like to read her posts here, cause I've learnt untold from her esp the distraction recent post to avoid those nagging constant plagueing neg thoughts in the downs could help you too. No pressure tho 🙂
She's come through major beyong stuff. Blows me away, soooo strong, such a survivor.

Re the roller coaster I don't mind that metaphor cause it's so accurate, but fair enough if you look at it in a waves form which is a good view too. Seems more gentle aye. I get your point.

Feel free anytime to talk about how you're doing here & also don't know if you've seen it but there's a section for loss up to you if you want to do a thread, if so give us a yell & I'll jump in.

Thanks again.

Take good care, hope to see you around 🙂

demonblaster · ‎27-09-2017

Hey darl thx dropping in and for your support darl 🙂

This won't work for everyone jeez I feel for people that don't have friends or like/love in their lives, I have a lot BUT at times some very lonelies.

SURVIVAL: So from loss of my darling actually was a huge learn on many platforms sooo much support and love from many which we knew we had a lot of good friends but I didn't realise just how much so I told that to a few & one said "that's cause of what you put out" Kaboomb. So I thought if people like me and are saying good things, same as here for you is it true? So we're swamped with the BLACK DOG's masterful putting us down in EVERY way including hugely our self esteem. So when someone says something think if it's true, or maybe it's true but you haven't realised it. Unless someone's bad & trying to con us, good people that tell us our goods are probs saying cause it's true. Yeah some may say to lift but lot of people don't throw the goods out for the hell of it.
Also by I guess maybe I"m subconciously using mindfulness to go through the dark parts & think what are my goods. Most have em in abundance

It has which can be daunting taken yrs but because I didn't know I had BP until 46, same as Poppy above at 44yrs so when I knew was the time I said RIGHT, time to fight the beast & GOD there's a LOT to work on but also same over the yrs people mostly like me so that helped.

Long way to go darl but every little win gives us more strength to build our rod to stand again.

Not physio, walking hills building core strength so this back out was less severe but still lot of pain and grief & have same from Doc some more strengthening excercises for neck, doing some already. The immense out of this world pain from neck recently (first time) & bad back outs I'll pretty much do anything to avoid again.

Thx darl yeah slept like baby SOOoo tired, needing days/wks more. Starting to hit exhaustion but feel I should go table tennis tonight, not to play, but I organise it so best to make a show every now and then. Been a while.

((( )))

startingnew · ‎27-09-2017

Hi DB
I thought id responded here, musnt have

I dont have friends, they all turned on me and my family well you know about those.

It sounds like your really self aware, its pretty amazing. Of course theres a long way to go but recovery is never easy or short. Theres always sosme sort of obstacle in the way isnt there but the more we overcome the better we get. The more resilient we become.

At leas you dont have the added expense of physio, but if things dont work properly through gp id recommend getting one as they specialise in these things too. I think once we expericne those sorts of pain we try the best we can to get better and to never have to experince it again.

Hope you have a good time at table tennis if youve been. I played abit of that through school, not competively but just for abit of fun.

How did you go today? How are you feeling tonight?

hugs and hugs

xoxoxo

Peppermintbach · ‎27-09-2017

Hi DB,

I thought that I would pop in to say hi and see how you're doing.

Admittedly, I've only read a few of your more recent posts so I'm not very familiar with your story and experiences.

But from the snippets that I've read, you strike me as someone who has been through a lot. Seen a lot. Heard a lot. And no doubt, hurt a lot too. Maybe it's my imagination but there's a sense of peace in your posts. A lot of pain too but peace as well.

Butterfly- I left a message on your thread. I don't think it's up yet...hopefully soon...

Aw, it saddened me to read about your friends desserting you. It must have stung. I know we can't replace offline friends but please know that that you're a friend to so many here (as we are also your friend). Love you loads.

Kind thoughts to all,

Pepper xoxo

demonblaster · ‎27-09-2017

Hi Peps lovely to see you, thanks for popping in and the warm supportive comments you dear biatch lol I reckon well hoping you take that as the warped humor I have 😄 Yeah smiled when I saw as you said somewhere recently the playing with words

Thx really is a lovely post and yes there definately are the great times in my life too, yeah lot of hurt but walk in the park to what some of yous here have/do go through, blows my mind the cruelty of people that sadly doesn't surprise me, I talk to so many in Rl (real life) too that their stories are abominable like last night with spontaneous drink and chat with lovely neighbours. Unbelievable what some people think is ok how to treat their kids and adults.

My general way is happy it's the BP (bipolar) that's done it's job and continues to slam moreso than many with it as I'm more than a rapid cycler that has 4 or more episodes, cycles a year. I have 8-10, exhausting but positive is I'm slowly and gunna get there getting stronger. BUt howw lonnnnng does it have to take aye.

Yes thanks for that observation, love which luckily I have a lot of gives some peace although there are lonely times I realized recently it was the loss of my beloved & thought I was through the worst but of course the mind had to give another big dose but that's to be expected and we have to go through the hards to get out the other side, so now I"m hoping at least the worst's over. Would have been so much easier without BP but still wickedly hard, BP took me back to considering suicide but I may this last cycle before this one now be not considering that anymore as I realised it's in the downs that is the times you want out badly.

Believe me when I say you're very appreciated. Thankyou Peps as I've said before very happy to have met you. Hope I can support you too

Hope your day's been as good as can be, if you ever wanna chat you're very welcome here.

Take good care darl xx

demonblaster · ‎27-09-2017

Hey sweet

Thanks for coming in always lovely to have visitors, jeez and I didn't even offer a choccy, that'd be cause I've eaten them all but can offer water lol

Yes I remember you saying friends & family don't have care for you. From what I know of you seriously their loss. As Peps said it's sad but absolutely look at how many you have here & as you said to someone at least you know they're real people on the other end.

Thx gunna start tt (table tennis) at another venue close by, didn't play, can't with this crap going on with back/neck but both better back not quite, did BA today but happy it's on the improve, just a couple of OMG's. Standing up straighter today. Bonus. Same as you at school this is social, I don't want comp but a couple do so later I'll work at it, gets too serious. I'm a pretty good player, long way to go &if they don't throw spin at me I can slam a few beauties, but as with everything learning.
Pretty hacked off, one of the special needs darlings, some come to this night play with a support worker apparently sat on the table where the robot is which sent it to the floor, I wasn't there but what sh's me is the workers should've been there watching. ARgghhh but looks ok & he certainly meant no harm. Poor darling would have copped a verbal, not from me but he DOESN'T MEAN TO grrrr.
I go separate days volunteer with them, love them. Got a little hug from one tonight that doesn't usually so that was touching.
Any sports you like? Do you get to do much of your art? Definately therapeutic isn't it.
From my list probs work on it more when fully recover from this episode & maybe afk (away from keyboard) soon stayin with MIL & see family on late partners side but mine as well through defacto, beautiful bunch might not go for 3 nights, so badly need to catch up on sleep & big 3 wks coming up too, away at brother & sil for house/dog sitting soon

Thx hun for caring & asking, yeah apart from wrecked doing well so far, have lovely chooky coming tomoz for hr, off shoot of mental health, they do whatever you want I usually just wanna talk.

I'll jump over to you before I go into sleep coma soonish.

Warm beautiful hugs to you too sweet, hope you're feeling a bit better I had to choof earlier but saw you poor thing you were stressed

Peppermintbach · ‎28-09-2017

Morning DB,

Good on you for volunteering. Your affection for the people you volunteer with shows. They must know you're a caring person (especially as even the non-huggers are flocking to you for hugs).

All the best with getting back into tt. It sounds like something that you enjoy. I even picked up a lift in your writing tone when you mentioned tt 🙂

Kind thoughts,

Pepper xoxo