Surviving: Being in a better place

[demonblaster]

Hi all 🙂
Thought this thread might be of use to talk about your stories if you like and where you're at now.
In a better place.

I have Bipolar, (BP) pretty sure all my life. Wasn't diagnosed, I approached them thinking I have this at age 46.
The ups (mania) are magic, ying and yang (opposites) evident with BP & in many other ways.
The downs, crippling. Still ..but I'm DETERMINED to beat them with time & effort and professional help.One of the psychiatrists said it can't be beaten, I say cause it maybe hasn't been done, doesn't mean it can't be.
Have come an incredibly long way so far.
Long way to go probs but HAS to be sooner rather than later, else this mother of a demon will get me, I live in fear of going under the line again which majority of the time the head goes South but looking back at those times knowing I got through & that it's not always like that helps.
SO many good times, happy times between.

The cycles have gone from Rapid cycling (4 or more a yr) to 8/10 a yr since the loss of my beloved partner of 28yrs to leukaemia.

My teens starting at 14yrs I attempted suicide 4 times.
You're in hell considering, contemplating & ultimately attempting suicide, we're going against our strongest basic instinct. Survival.

Wanted OUT, couldn't see anything but Black in my head, no light, no way out, no other choice, the depression beast had me engulfed as it does most of the time in cycles now too.
Rock bottom. The pits.

I've learnt a lot one thing is it doesn't stay this way.
Sleep's vital. We don't get a lot or quality when down, it affects how we feel usually in a negative way.
Life's so much harder when we're tired and exhausted, we see feel & react to things differently
That part of our brain that works at pulling us down, I think with everyone, not only mental illness or disorders

Self esteem rock bottom, still working at it, it's true we have to like/love ourselves works as a shield.
Great loving good parents lucky

If I'd known in suicide yrs I'd meet a beautiful loving partner and have so much love from family, friends and happiness between the downs, I wouldn't have attempted.

BP downs equate to heavy grieving alone without it on top.It slammed but now I'm looking back and Yes still hurts, always will but we owe it to ourselves to keep going. We don't know whats ahead and nothing stays the same.

I know that now.

[Hanna3]

Hi Deebi

I finally found your thread - just bookmarking it dear lady. I see you have suffered a profound loss recently and I am sorry. 💝

[Ggrand]

Hello Beautiful Deebi👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩 Waves Kitty, Hanna and all...🤗..

Hun, we all grieve differently and that’s okay, Your love for her is still so strong and always will be..no matter how your journey through this grief effects you...Also, our body does have its own way of protecting us in times of deep sorrow...

I agree bbff...you were both privileged and very honoured being in each other’s lives...

I am sorry I misread your last post...and I’m pleased that your lovely Mr. Deebi is doing okay...You have been through so much sadness together and it’s comforting to know that your both there for each other...I am so very grateful you have each other...

Its a powerful and beautiful poem, isn’t it Deebi..to honour the ones that we’ve loved and lost...

Please remember Deebi, that you are loved/liked and cared for by so many here...and we are here for you if you feel to talk..

I noticed another golden strand has joined our golden ribbon that joins our hearts and souls together....💚💚💫💫💫💚💚....Love you very much sweet Deebi....🕊🌱👼🦄...Lots of care in my thoughts 💭 24/7 ...

Hugs, care, love to everyone listening here..

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩Grandy...

[demonblaster]

Hi Grandy 👩‍❤️‍👩 Pawsy 🐾 Kitty 😹 Hannah 🐕 Croixy 🐧 Quirky ⚘Magic 🐒 & readers ☺

Many thanks lovelies I so appreciate your kind support it really means a lot. V.comforting 🤗

Grandy & Kitty thank you so much I needed that reminder about us grieving differently. I miss her very much & always will she was a huge part of my life. A truly beautiful lady. We developed over the yrs a great bbff friendship and deep love. She exuded love and received it. At peace now.

Today we went to another funeral. Beautiful heartfelt I don't like saying farewell, I believe/hope we meet again. This was/is a highly respected man mentioned above. I held up well with reminders of the recent one to my dear mils. Had to look away a few times seeing peoples pain and understanding how heartbreaking. Dear Mr 😍 is ok too. I respected this man and didn't know him on a personal basis

This Mh episode I thought was going ok it's hard to know when manias carrying you tho on saying that when I start to sleep better is the sign. A few more I'll be so called " normal " again.

There's been a handful of absolute omg moods but have been getting out of them with activity. Yesterday I said to Mr Deebi the gorgeous I'm fed up with this which is how we all feel in the deeps

Was quite stressed yesterday did some serious deep breathing-you'd think I was giving birth 😅 tried to explore why I was so churned up. It settled. You feel the angst in your chest

Been flat out this episode doing internet jobbies for both the sweetheart and I. Organising calls etc. Also we've had a lot of good socials

Was a bit ancious driving on the highway but no choice the other day and only did one complete roundabout then we sussed where to go mind you driving like a snail trying to not miss turnoffs. Pretty sure drivers were grateful of passing lanes. No beeps was a bonus.

The car as we reached our destination quite scary revved like a vroom 💨 head- needed my bbff mechanic 🛠 fortunately we had it booked for rego, waited near 3 wks for it back. Ok we dont use it much. Good now not high cost & have an account phew.

Struggling with good friends impending passing the poor fella's holding well. Hopefully a few mths left. Think I'm going to have to word his brother to ease off things he says in front of him. Sigh

Croixy I'm giving a great deal of thought on a convo between you & kitty bbl ☺ & you my Grandy too

Grandy 👩‍❤️‍👩💜 beautiful you're da bomb my bbff. Love you so deeply

Hannah lovely seeing you ☺ ty

⚘

[Ggrand]

Hello Beautiful Deebi👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩🤗..and everyone.....🤗..

You’re going through so many heartbreaking losses honey..I really am deeply sorry...not just words bbff...truth...I wish so much I could be their with you...to just sit by your side quietly and well...just be with you...I am pleased that your beautiful love is their for you and helping you through what your going and will again go through....

Awe Deebi..it’s hard isn’t it saying goodbye...Believe that you will all meet again...in another place..a more beautiful and peaceful place then in this part of our journey....

I’m pleased that you are their for your gorgeous man...he needs your live, care, patience and compassion as you’ve needed his....true deep love is what life is all about..,you have each other in r/l....that’s so precious...Even though we only know and love each other, through these forums...it’s a real and beautiful friendship that I treasure so very much....so if ever you feel to talk about absolutely anything at all....I’ll do my very best to help you in anyway I can.....

I am so happy your car is fixed now...it doesn’t matter you don’t use it that much....It’s comforting to know it’s their and working in case of any emergency...praying never will be though.....I use my car only twice a week for work..other then that it just sits around for the spiders 🕷🕷 to make their home in...They love the side windows 😂😂...I’ve called them...Henry and Henrietta and let them live in the mirrors..

I am proud of you, keeping busy....internet jobbies, organising things and lots of socials....outings?...makes a difference talking, meeting different people at times...I know how much you like to be with people....You have done so great..through all you’re going through....

I really do hope so much bbff that you really are okay....Only relying on words to know is hard...isn’t it?....💙👭..

Sending you my love, my care, my respect 💚💜🕊👼🤗🧸...Oh and a couple of Henry and Henrietta ‘s babies for your side revision windows..🕷🕷🕷🕷..

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩Grandy😁

[mmMekitty]

Hi DB,

I have been thinking of you, with so much you are going through, it's no wonder moods are out of kilter, with strong emotions, because these losses happening so close together. It's such an (to put it mildly) uncomfortable time, coming to terms with the facts of the losses, intellectually knowing these people are not in your life, then experiencing their absence...

I'm sure keeping busy, with doing things you usually do, & adding some other things, too, is great for making each day full of variety & distraction, so the whole day is not filled with grief & loss. I think that's fine. From my perspective, I think you have been coping very well. Some 'OMG moods' are to be expected, I would have thought.

Remember, it's okay to feel a whole range of emotions, all those related to grief as well as your usual range of feelings, so it's also okay to find yourself laughing, crying, angry, hurt, longing, or relieved, knowing these people are not suffering anymore. It's okay to find yourself appreciating if the sun comes out, or you hear some beautiful music, or when you laugh at a joke, or even when you may find yourself feeling nothing much at all.

I think you know, routines are helpful, so is rest & recreation, good food, fresh air.. try to remember the things you do to treat yourself with love & care. This includes being with people such as "Dear Mr" (I think you said above) who is indeed dear to you, & you to him, & spending some time, maybe reflecting together about these losses. I'm sure you have memories to share.

Gentleness & warmth, to you. Hugs & ❤️☮️❤️- & everyone.

mmMekitty

[Croix]

Dear DB (with a wave to Grandy and All)~

Considering all you have been faced with I think you have been coping marvelously, and it sounds as if keeping busy may have helped, I know when I've been faced with loss it certainly has.

If I understand (go crook at me if I do not:) then you have been basically using mania as a tool to help, and this is a pretty positive way of looking at things.

I hope you (and your car) now have a smooth ride for a bit.

As for thinking abut anything I wrote with mmMekitty, if my part it was deep it was simple a fluke🤔

BTW I pinched two of your 🐟's , one for the of the 🐧's and one for 😹

Croix

[mmMekitty]

Re whichever conversation between Croix & me, which you, DB, are thinking about, I'm sorry ... I am not sure what converstation you are refering to, what was said, or anything... I know, need brain food, but what good is it when I feel some errant 🐧🐧🐧took my🧠out for a swim, left it all full of sea water, my poor, soggy, waterlogged 🧠& thought they could shove it all back in, more wrinkled than ever, & think no differences would be noticed! Looks like you did, but I don't know what conversation you are thinking about.

Wasn't something that worried or upset you, DB, was it? Please, tell me if/when that happens.

❤️☮️❤️

mmMekitty

[demonblaster]

Hey Kitty😸 Croixy 🐧 Grandy 👩‍❤️‍👩 & all

Thanks for reply and communcation Kitty no darlin youse haven't done anything wrong or upsetting at all. It's something that you feel that I can relate to. Been giving it a lot of thought and plan to post sometime between now and Christmas.

Yip hear ya about the brain being soggy and inside out. Too much fun eh.

All good hun hope you all are too ☺ apart from the soggy part 😅

Bbl few things to do today 🏃🏼‍♀️

Love Mrs Grandy beautiful bbff always 👩‍❤️‍👩 💓🗯

[mmMekitty]

Thanks DB. 😹That'll be something 🎁to look forward to🎄! I love the occasional well-thought-out gifts..😻

❤️❤️❤️

mmMekitty

[demonblaster]

Hi Grandy 👩‍❤️‍👩 & other dear friends ☺
Again thank you so much for your comforting support


Some physicals making life pretty hard atm. Some at come good at least for a bit


Bad headaches are usual still. Bummer they cant do anything not that I want neck surgery. Bliss when I dont have them for a few days. Still up to 3 days. Drag you down don't they


? bursitis in my arm ? from the shoulder. Xrays soon. Very strong pain on certain movements. A recent rolling over in bed felt like I'd dislocated somewhere 😢 I suspect a tear. When I managed to move it came better somewhat leaving wicked pain with certain movement. Been intermittent over the yrs never this bad


Hips daily OMG cruel pain often. The odd day its easier. SO hard not leaning forward in a day & you forget. Straightening ups the terrible part at least its good after that.
Finally plucked up the courage to see if they'll bulk bill. They at least work out something. Been many yrs severe pain with this. Hoping they'll do the hip replacement.


Yesterday was another hard mentally this episode. Some days opposed to constant have been coping ok. Huge improves still SO damned hard. Later ? a tiny dose of mania gave me a sense of calm rather than pulling my hair out with frustration trying to get some more things done. Grotty mood passed


At the recent funeral a lady talking in general
said she feels its important to move on after a passing. Like after a couple of mths or so. I said some reasons why thats not easy for many. She's right but many factors contribute to ability/length of grieving. I didnt like or agree but no agro. 2ish mths is a hard call. Pfftt

We have an out with besty 2day/2moz with v.sick friend.
In the face of extreme hard times the courage and stamina some people have is truly remarkable. He's not giving up which makes it easier to support him tho heart breaking hearing how its all going & knowing whats ahead. It's a mongrel part of life isnt it!

Not heard a peep from a replacement mhw tho theres been delays I've heard which I sympathise but communication would be decent. Will contact them soon & probs say something respectfully. Struck Gold with the recent one. Took 2 and half yrs to get their help. Think I got lost in the system.

Will reply properly sometime to you loves you've all helped immensely. Im eternally grateful
Thank you 💗

Grandy 👩‍❤️‍👩💗🗯 deepest of love always dear friend 🤗

Youre all amazing beautiful people dont ever doubt that ⚘