Surviving: Being in a better place

[demonblaster]

Hi all 🙂
Thought this thread might be of use to talk about your stories if you like and where you're at now.
In a better place.

I have Bipolar, (BP) pretty sure all my life. Wasn't diagnosed, I approached them thinking I have this at age 46.
The ups (mania) are magic, ying and yang (opposites) evident with BP & in many other ways.
The downs, crippling. Still ..but I'm DETERMINED to beat them with time & effort and professional help.One of the psychiatrists said it can't be beaten, I say cause it maybe hasn't been done, doesn't mean it can't be.
Have come an incredibly long way so far.
Long way to go probs but HAS to be sooner rather than later, else this mother of a demon will get me, I live in fear of going under the line again which majority of the time the head goes South but looking back at those times knowing I got through & that it's not always like that helps.
SO many good times, happy times between.

The cycles have gone from Rapid cycling (4 or more a yr) to 8/10 a yr since the loss of my beloved partner of 28yrs to leukaemia.

My teens starting at 14yrs I attempted suicide 4 times.
You're in hell considering, contemplating & ultimately attempting suicide, we're going against our strongest basic instinct. Survival.

Wanted OUT, couldn't see anything but Black in my head, no light, no way out, no other choice, the depression beast had me engulfed as it does most of the time in cycles now too.
Rock bottom. The pits.

I've learnt a lot one thing is it doesn't stay this way.
Sleep's vital. We don't get a lot or quality when down, it affects how we feel usually in a negative way.
Life's so much harder when we're tired and exhausted, we see feel & react to things differently
That part of our brain that works at pulling us down, I think with everyone, not only mental illness or disorders

Self esteem rock bottom, still working at it, it's true we have to like/love ourselves works as a shield.
Great loving good parents lucky

If I'd known in suicide yrs I'd meet a beautiful loving partner and have so much love from family, friends and happiness between the downs, I wouldn't have attempted.

BP downs equate to heavy grieving alone without it on top.It slammed but now I'm looking back and Yes still hurts, always will but we owe it to ourselves to keep going. We don't know whats ahead and nothing stays the same.

I know that now.

[Ggrand]

Hello Beautiful Deebi👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩...

I hope your okay....are you?

No pressure to reply...

Just wanted to let you know...

You will always be the sister of my soul, and the friend of my heart....

If you need to talk Deebi....I have my 👂 glued to the screen... my 👀 held open by tooth picks watching you...and my 🖐 is holding your hand 🤚....🤝..24/7....

again precious friend no pressure...

Love and hugs bbff..💚🧸..with peace 🕊.

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩Grandy..

[demonblaster]

Hey darlin 👩‍❤️‍👩
Love your caring beautiful posts & humour. Miss our mucking around

😁 got pretty bamboozled on that BIG walk. Was wrecked but found steam to push on. Phew I had a sign to stopl thank goods. I heard the small voicel, We can build on that by hearing it not only the pain

I WAS going so well this one. it was a silent mania with a couple of supremes.
The rest was near unnoticeable you're so in the moment

Had some 😭 hards. At least it clears a few beasty 💩 deposits

Not depression. Huge call. if I could change just one thing it'd be not being so friggen sensitive yet many things are no probs. Head 👿for sale goin cheap
This evil depressions getting me stronger. BP's a gift with a devils pricetag! Many may not believe in the devil which is their choice tho clearly there's evil
I've faced IT several times & got thru- somehow.

Still SO damned hard. At least yes thanks hun there's progress.

I'd rather just not deal with anyone in these times not to say I dont have fun jokes convos happies

True there's no words to explain the depths of pain. I'm starting to hear & learn from mania. Forgetting's a prob. It's teaching me how to get through. Exhaustion makes it so hard to apply/remember. it's had me long enough!! I'm starting to stand back up- slowly

People hurt! They're hard work tool,. I'm not always an extrovert but usually comfy with people- till they start being arses or just thoughtless comments.

Yikes near positive I had an hallucination a few days ago in mania. Make a good horror story. I realised it couldn't have been real.The anxiety rose fast to about my neck but stopped it & was calm. Type 2 can but 1's more likely

Oh rage bloke a few mths ago on messenger contacted me. Doubt he'll change his thoughts about that but I too won't. Not the same but he seems willing to visit some time. I asked Mr 😍 if he's ok with that. Told him we started a bit of affection. He's ok 😍

Soo pfftt recent so called besty I rang today about mil, I know he loves her. He's firm on no friendship. What slacks me is I didn't get a chance to say my bit. The other pftt one wronged me severely!

No wonder I don't have a lot of faith in yeah right close friendships or people either Grandy I know how u feel. I'm ok but do miss them both. Real friends get past rot.

Mr D😍 had ? another petty (sp) mal or ? onset of dementia or both. Positive no hallucination. Goin to look into.

Beautiful words ty hun ditto. You move me 👩‍❤️‍👩💜

Deep love (DL) 🦋✨🤝🌈

[demonblaster]

Hi 👩‍❤️‍👩 and readers ☺

Yesterday I woke after a glorious sleep. A lot more's needed on the way to recovery

Hoped the thigh bizzo had gone. Hard walking but short stops help & If it's severe a few times. Mainly settles on the way or back

Only had the shorter walk in about a wk and a half. Want to. but a mild painful back out.
Could just walk after getting up a few days. Settled within a couple of hrs mainly.

Tho movement creates energy it for me can bring mania back which we knows even better than chocolate 🍫 ...😲 but takes longer to recover esp when in or close to exhaustion.
Yes Grandy the higher is harder to handle & with extra manias in an episode.

In mania I got past several hard food/smoke craves. Again was aware of allowing myself to talk myself into smokes. Only 3 pkts this time. Way better than other times.
I'm confident next one I'll not cave in.

Lost 3 of 5 kgs I put back on. Hym but how. Many know of some very hard downs of binge eating. It's energy we need, comfort food & letting our internal brat have IT's way.

I nearly got through this relatively unscathed.
A few hards & even stopped a few v.strong mood drops that were sinking me instantly. Mania helped

While coming down had a very hard convo re dear mil which plummetted the downs. Big sads. In mania I had acceptance

She's failing 24/7 care now. Still some goods I hear but SO hard
Empathising with poor sil losing her best friend/Mum & the strain of being one of her carers too was hard

I've been driving again lately going well.
I avoid in BP but can if need be.
Mania's not a prob for me it's the down side.
I havent yet gone further than the next suburb 15 mins away

Wasn't going for Xmas, thought for a bit after & having it with besty here which we still will. Her first without her late love. Sad

I couldn't live with myself if I don't see her before her time. Been grieving for her since my late love.
I can/have driven often there & will be ok. Should be out of mh then.
We'ld go for 3ish hrs. Bout an hr drive

Finances is one of the reasons.
So often on xmas day there was little traffic so going to avoid certain times if we do go then

Some other family have/going too for same reasons

Geesh Mr 😍 bestys/my good friend too has the cancer back he had before this last bout. Damn it!
Let's hope he can beat this lot too. Poor fellad

Eternal love Mrs Grandy Floss. Those beautiful soul/heart words they went deep where you are in my 💜👩‍❤️‍👩 goin to sleep again soon

[demonblaster]

There's a place your head can take you that puts you in the center of the pits of the deepest Blackest darkest place on this Earth.

A 4 hr sleep yesterday awoke with that inside me. It's break through sleep I've had this before and heard here of same for some.

I couldnt shake it but was able to leave it there at times.

Had to get out. That restlessness feeling in the chest. ? Anxiety. Feels like its in the Solar plexis.

Walked to shops slowly with stops cause of the thighs.

We had takeaways. Ate in then walked home in the dark. Not far about 10 mins each way.

IT hovered til sleep. Still waking early but a sleeper gave me more 💤 woke a bit teary but slightly better.

Headaches intermittently over 5 days. They're instant if my heads not in the right place on the pillow. Come on in seconds

Backs easing, not 100% yet but on its way.

I've said over the time here there's two stages to mania.

There's two with this depression too. The usual is incredibly deep & very hard! I'm just starting to crack the surface handling it which at this stage is not letting it take me to suicide. It's an option in this depth that I haven't entertained much as such by not thinking about it. Often it's a choice in the background.

This deeper again that you don't thinks possible is a place my god what words could explain it. Nada.

I thought and how but without the want or further thought

Crying in bits. Happies will come I still have them

I do/dont like people anymore. Don't want to argue will if I have to but many give me the toots. I would them too probs at times. I get on with most well. It's BP

I'm seeing their bad points easier. For yrs I only saw their goods and wore the bad points. Easy target ?

I felt ganged up on here once with a few people disagreeing but it's true. We and I'm to blame as well as much as I try so hard and detest myself let out our problems on other people. It hurts others especially sensitive people. This isn't everyone but how often do you hear if you have an aplology sorry I'm tired/stressed or they won't say that they simply don't give a toss!

I'm ok, can & do function fine-laughing even happy but tiredness let alone extreme & exhaustions energy pulls us down.

The head stops working in parts. Memories a shocker. Reading old notes with unpacking, it was wrecked then too.

Teary today. Maybe more sleep if I can rid this 🤕 Had a 2/3 wk break otherwise most days or catch it early with meds or no pillow laying on my back

Thanks 👩‍❤️‍👩💜

[Sophie_M]

Hey Demonblaster, 
Thanks for reaching out today,

We're so sorry to hear how awful you've been feeling over the past day. We can imagine functioning on only 4 hours of sleep must have you feeling really low. Please know that we are listening and it's there's anything else you'd like to share we are here for you. 
It might also be a good time to check in with a mental health professional. We would  recommend that you get in contact with our friendly counsellors at the Beyond Blue Support Service, available 24/7 on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST here: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport 

Please keep us updated on how you're going when you feel up to it, 

[demonblaster]

Many thanks Sophie.

I'm ok and able to function mostly to a degree minus a few cognitives periodically in the really hard times even yesterday.

Was just saying as well as I can how it is. Hell and beyond but it does pass eventually. No stranger to it all unfortunately

Do appreciate here and your help too.

Thanks ☺

[Ggrand]

Hello Beautiful Deebi👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩...

Im sorry that your crying today...also I feel I let you down by not replying last night as I said I would.

Bbff....honey, please ring the support line that our beautiful Sophie has given you..if you need to...Gee I wish you could phone me...I’m certain that we would win the Guinness book of world records as to how long we would talk for.😂😂😂.

BP cycles does that to us...Liking but not liking people...if you know what I mean....Sometimes we just have enough of all the drama and bands that people can cause for us....and we get done with them for a while...until our soul and heart heals a bit...

Awe Deebi, memories are hard to manage aren’t they...well the bad ones are...These are the ones that needs to be vaulted and never unlocked.....ha look who’s talking, Um, I think I’m one of the worse managers of bad memories...

Darl, when bad memories come to the surface, it’s best to do something ASAP to stop them....If I listened right, you reading old notes, pulled you down...My counsellor told me if I read something that pull me into PTSD....then immediately to find something pleasant to read...do you have something uplifting to read, to help you wipe out the feelings that encased you?...one of our many posts of beautiful adventures we had. and will...Deendy has been hibernating way to long...Maybe if we throw some cold water over it, it might wake our magical dragon.

Please be okay Deebi....I can’t do this on my own, we need each other..👭🤝....SSS 4 EVA....and your/our Mr. Beautiful needs to too.

Bbff....exhaustion caused by lack of sleep, can really pull us down so much.....Not long ago I was sticking to my sleep routine and felt better for it....lately with so much going on, I’ve stopped my routine and feel worse for it...um just gently asking if one of the first things you do, when in BP is to keep a sleep routine going.

So very true Deebi...Just like the clouds... those black menacing clouds are formed by anger, depression, anxiety etc...then when they can’t hold onto the pain they are feeling.....they cry...release their tears by way of rain....then after the tears of rain, which has released their bad and helped their soul heal a little....The beautiful sun comes out shining brightly..

I’m just going to sit with you today, and hold your hand, letting my soul spirit sister feel all the care and love I have for you...my most precious bbff....👂🤝💨🌧🌥🌦🌤..🌈.

Everlasting 24 hour hugs...Bbff 🤗.

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩Grandy

[demonblaster]

Dear Grandy 👩‍❤️‍👩 hi readers

Thank you dear love please don't feel you let me down. Seriously you never could.
I often have every intention of posting & same.
You've said to me "I know you're reading". I know you will when you can hun 😚
You're a CC with others to support too amidst your own mh. No probs

Some things I can do & say are close to normal, others in mh nah/v.hard
I proof read a few times but wasn't clear.
Meant to say had another arvo sleep of 4 hrs.
The past 2 + wks with sleepers even in this mild mania give me about 4-6 hrs if they work.
S.times I shouldn't play poker & don't go back to bed when it starts working. Mania says stay up. Not pokies since b4

Yip Lack of sleep in poor mh screws with our heads adding to it all. W.Knight did a good post on Pauls liking yourself thread

Other times I've woken feeling worse than the deep depression.

I've read at times depression often comes before an episode.
I have it both sides or restlessness. Always afters harder

May have been a ptsd down darl but nothing seemed to trigger.

I pushed through extreme tired doing a bigger walk earlier in mania which probs added to exhaustion but gave me energy. Learnt from that. If need it'll be a shorter one

Some goods. I've had considerably less memories/scenarios. Caught stopped & rationalized.
Huge boom stopping the mood drops going further.

Geesh all at a heavy price tho we're bloody veterans at this Grandz. We're making progress is what counts.

I'll try to stick to sleep times bout 10pm now days just gotta tell mania 😅

Probs couldn't have explained yesterday how deep it was & guessing they'd want me to go on meds. Tbh today I even considered them 😲
How will I ever get stronger if I don't keep at it & I'm making progress.
None have worked yet too. Told that to many deaf ears over the yrs.

Oh darl it really does put a dark light on people. True and well put until our soul & heart heals. More sleep heals too

Thx I'll go to our good times. Have so many more to put in my folder.

You're brilliant at wording Grandz great analogy about the clouds.
Loven your funny bits too 🤣

Thank you for being such a beautiful caring loving soul. You're the best of the best ever 💜 I spoke to other bbff she was fine with that. She also has a top besty like you to me. I'm so ok with that and am one of her tops too.You'd love her and ditto.

😂 re talking on phone. I reckon eh 😀

YAdimh and 🗯 Always deepest love 👩‍❤️‍👩💜✨⚘🌈

[Ggrand]

Hi, my bbff...👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩

i haven’t asked you yet....I don’t think?....What are doing Christmas Day?....any special plans...I’m going next door to Mrs NSC for lunch...which I was looking forward too...that is until today...She has also invited her other neighbour...I think I mentioned him before....I don’t like what he talks about..always politics or COVID or more politics..and she has also invited the lady that was renting this house before I bought it...unfortunately she is an alcoholic ....with language that is unacceptable to me.....

Now I cannot get out of going..unless I lie and say I’m sick....but I hate to be dishonest...I put myself into another crappy position.....sigh...

Anyway, it’s not Christmas Day yet....

Meds are not for everyone Deebi, it took 5 different ant depressives until they got the right one for me, still depression hits hard when PTSD triggers down me....There’s no meds to take memories away, so depression from downers is a life time thing for me.....in between triggers, my meds take the outer hard edge of depression...and make it manageable...I feel it’s up to the individual if they want to try meds or not....They are not a magic cure....and we still have to work at our wellness...

Very good girl 🍭 for distracting those bad memories and letting them pass through....That’s something that I find hard to do....The more we practice the better we get...🥵

Oh, your 🎄 🎁...is out of my thoughts and into my work bench...got my tools out ✂️🧵🧶✂️ 💫🌍..and all ready to go....haha...no guessing allowed..

Thank you saying I didn’t let you down...I started feeling so guilty after I said I would .....24/7/365..Eternal love & care, (24/7/365EL&C)...bbff....💚🕊🤗🦋🌹🧸..

Grandy👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩..

[Paw Prints]

Hello Deebi, wave to Mr Deebi,

Oh lass you are doing it tough aren't you... I can't begin to understand what it is like having bp... I do hear your deep pain & exhaustion lass... I wish I could offer some helpful thoughts on what you could to make it easier for you...

Lass I hope you don't mind me say something I think might be adding to your down without you being consciously aware of it... I know you are aware on a conscious level about how you feel with your much loved mil failing... but I do think that there is also another unconscious level of sorrow which is affecting you... being that link that ties her with your late love... she is a connection to him... someone who remembers him... I know how important it is for us humans to still have people in our life who also remember those we have lost... losing them & that link is a double loss.

I really hope the Drs are able to quickly help Mr Deebi finds out what is causing his head issues... when I started having episodes of not recognising/knowing things for brief (minutes only) periods in my late 40s it was very scary... thankfully they were able to diagnose epilepsy brief absence seizures with the memory loss just being part of my coming out of it... since we found a med that works I've not had anymore... I will keep everything crossed that he can quickly have an answer & successful treatment like I did.

Just wondering... would having a neck/shoulder massage help with the headaches?... or would it be more likely to make it worse?

Woofa sends friendly supportive snuffles & here are some big hugs from me

Paws