Sadness,grief and regret over sons incarceration

[July]

Hi, I am new to this but  need to talk to someone, anyone, I am a mother of 4 children , three adults ages 25, 29,32 and a 10 year old son from from second marriage. My eldest son was convicted of  a crime and is now in prison,he is 32 and the whole experience has devastated me , sitting through the trial I cried the whole two days everyone was looking at me  obviously knowing I was the mother ,then his sentencing was a day I shall never forget I had to write a letter to the judge about my son, about his drug use, about his father not being in his life since we divorced and his downfall, I also wrote about  how I loved him would stand by him, I'm sorry I failed him  and he turned to drugs too take away his pain, but underneath all that was a wonderful creative boy who just took a wrong turn, the judge  starting reading my letter word for word out to the court room, I looked at my beautiful boy and there were tears running down his face, I think he finally realised what he has done not only to himself but to me as his mother, that image is burned into my memory ,for once in my life I could not protect my child and it killed me, his sentence was given and they took him away, he will be released about september. I cannot tell  anyone and the stress is unbearable,I have to lie to people to excuse his absence , he is clean and sober now and has turned this life around he is doing all the courses to correct his life while in prison and is deeply regretful of his choices, I do not excuse his behaviour  but I am his mother and I have to stand by him, I look at all the other families visiting in prison and it is so sad it affects the whole family. This is the first time I have said this out aloud it is so hard to live with this "secret",I just don't know how to live with this.

[white knight]

Hi July

If you recall I was your first reply here nearly 5 years ago. A former prison officer.

I must say I’m extremely proud of your development over the years in particular your acceptance of your sons addiction and how far it has taken his life down the slippery slope. You and his siblings are restricted in how much you can help.

Youve remained solid overall and realised his drug fuelled obsession has consumed him leaving others daunted by it.

Importantly you’ve survived. Your youngest , again I can’t believe he is 16yo, would benefit in that prison visit and wow, what a good brother wanting to know how his brothers welfare is.

This story is an example of how life can hurt us, life is not easy and more people out there are hurting than what we think.

I wish you well for 2020 and thank you for your faith in Beyond Blue

TonyWK

[Doolhof]

Hi July,

I'm sorry to read you are traveling down this road again. I'm sure there are many parents who would have abandoned their child by now for this kind of behaviour.

A close family friend has lost everything due to drugs and is heavily in debt and now lives in a tin shed with virtually nothing and is being supported by parents, when he decides to be in contact with them, like when he has had no food for a week.

May you find ways to continue to build your strength and resolve. May you let the tears flow when you need to.

I too wonder how the younger son views his brother. An obscure kind of hero worship can happen sometimes. Are you able to have a heartfelt talk with your younger son about all that has happened and is happening?

This has been quite a journey for you July.

Sometimes in life we need to learnt o say "NO and stand by that, while still loving and caring for others. Hope you can find the balance.

Thinking of you from Dools

[July]

Hi Mrs Dools

Yes this has been very difficult , and to be honest at first I was some what reluctant to post again on here about my son ...because of embarrassment and feeling of failure? but then I thought if one other person can read my story and relate or it helps them, then it is worth it to continue my story .My younger son has been great and is concerned for his older brother but since our visit has not mentioned it , we talked about it and how his brothers choices are what lead him to prison and it has nothing to do with us as a loving caring family. My younger son is very mature for his age and I believe that he sees the consequence of choice and would never follow that path , they are both very different people . But I will monitor any questions he asks of me and I would only take him for another visit if "he " chooses to go. I do feel less stressed since offloading the real truth about his brothers incarceration ...but at the same time careful to ensure it is not "glamorised " in any way . I must say it really helps to hear others opinions and comments ...it makes me believe I'm doing ok .

Thanks July

[July]

Hi Croix,

Thankyou for your words, yes I am very cautious about exactly that ...my younger son putting his brother on some sort of pedestal but I have talked to him about his brothers addiction and what it has done and the choices and effects on his life. my younger son even asked his brother in prison "did you go to rehab " and his brother answered "no I didn't like it " that immediately sent up red flags to me , but I explained that his brother will never get better unless he addresses his issues and faces his demons , but that it was his "choice" and we cannot force him but just support him as best we can , I told him your brother loves you and you love him so we must stand by him but not let him affect our lives because of his addiction , and he agreed , I'm sure it will take time for my younger son to get his head around all of this , so I don't want to overload him with information at this stage. My younger son is very much like me ….a nurturer by nature, but also has his head on straight . But I am very vigilant in keeping my eye on him. It is very hard juggling everyones emotions whilst still trying to keep myself sane to . July

[July]

Hi tony, thankyou and yes i'm doing the best I can under the weight of this situation. It is hard to speak about hurtful problems and make yourself vunerable but i've learned I cannot keep it inside because it only hurts me and then I am not in a position to help any one else. Im very sad about my son returning to prison but I remember you did tell me the "return rate " is high ...unfortunately . I wish they had rehab in prison that would be wonderful to address all the issues to stop them falling back into old patterns . Prison does not rehabilitate anyone, it just takes them out of the "game" for a while. With no coping skills its easy to slide back into the difficulties that got them there in the first place. But I know that until my son wants to truly get help there is nothing I can do but hope and pray he will eventually realise what's important and is it important enough to want to have a happy life . I'm so grateful I have this forum to talk and open up and hopefully help others if they are in the same predicament. I am better this time an di haven't cried once going to his court cases or visiting in prison ...that is a big step for me . July

[Croix]

Dear July~

You are doing more than OK. For a start this thread you started nearly 5 years ago has 14 pages of people who have written and gained from your courage, plus a huge number who who have read it but never post. That is an influence and example to be treasured.

You said no tears now in court or on a visit. It still hurts just as much but you are handling it the very best way anyone can, and by being mindful of your younger son's ideas show a realistic approach. I'm glad you told your younger son the facts, trying to mask it all isolates you and will only make him suspicious. If I remember he had at one stage thought his older brother had died.

I know you said he did not mention the visit again, perhaps it is something that might be brought up in conversation anyway, as it is important you know his thoughts and feelings, things that are all too easy to bear in silence. For all you know he may think he is protecting you.

You are right, prison does not rehabilitate, quite the reverse, its a reflection on our society. It does not give coping skills and merely encourages people to fall back on old ways as there are few alternatives.

In time is is possible you son may wish to change, and just the fact you are steadfast, loving and a constant presence may help him to do that. Many in that prison will not have such an influence to feel comforted by.

Croix

[July]

Hi Croix,

I will chat to my younger son about his visit, again I need to mind his feelings and make sure hes ok to , that was my worry in confiding in him, the truth about his brother , but I know I cannot hide the truth forever and he is mature for his age , being bought up with 3 much older siblings . Being the mum in all this ...is at times very difficult but I remind myself that I must treat all my 4 children the same , no matter what the circumstances, I want them to know that as a parent we are here to love ,nuture ,comfort and protect .I cannot hold my sons addiction against him, because I know if I give up on him , I would fear for his mental stability, so I need to be that lighthouse through this storm. To be honest even despite my dark moments I would never give up on him ...never, because he is a part of me .. and that would be like giving up on myself . I wish I could for see the future and hope my son gets the help he needs, but I can only take one day at a time for now .

Thankyou

July

[July]

Hello everyone,

Just needed to touch base again, my son was trying to go for parole but I won't take him, so his chances are slim to none. His sister told me that he said "well I have no where to stay when I get out so I will have to go back to "friends" with whom he has a past bad history with ...of course because no one else will consider living with him. That statement to me... is clearly trying to make us feel guilty in not enabling him and giving in and letting him stay at home. I wrote him a long letter about 6 weeks ago and outlined what I will and won't do and how his behaviour and choices have hurt all of us ..including himself. Telling him his choices were about him and that he will have to live with those choices and consequences. I do not believe he will go to rehab from prison now , I feel very anxious and he consumes my thoughts, I try so hard to move forward but that umbilical cord will forever keep us attached and I cannot let go of him .At times I wish I could just block it all out but the fear of losing him terrifies me and I know, as his mum that is a normal thought, doesn't make it any easier though to deal with.

Again the other day I was driving near the court house and saw one of the white prison vans that transport people from court to the prison, I began feeling very anxious and started to cry , the thought that my own son was in prison again was just to much to bare. I couldn't believe I had such a reaction again ,it took all my strength not to break down completely and I felt very weak and defeated. I felt like screaming out for help , but I'm sitting at an intersection and had to bring myself back to reality. The world is going by and I'm wishing my life was normal , I sometimes feel like running away .

I know that what I am experiencing is a normal reaction to trauma but it still upsets me, you can't love someone and watch them destroy themselves without wanting to save them and that's just the problem ….I can't save him no matter what I do , and to me as his mum.... that causes me the most anguish.

I have not seen him for quite a while as there are no visits to prison at this time, maybe I just need to see him and hold him and tell him I love him , I don't know , all I know is my heart aches for him.

Best wishes to everyone

July

[Croix]

Dear July~

Welcome back. I can see all the things you say , from the white van to writing that letter.

Being helpless is perhaps the worst thing of all, when you can see what might have been and have no way to bring it about. Just the knowledge he will in all probability go on making bad choices.

If it was situation that had finished you might have time to come to terms with the grief, but it is an ongoing thing. You are his mum - and that's it.

How is your younger son? Is he behaving OK?

Yes you are a lighthouse, showing fortitude, steadfastness, realistic ideas and love. Your younger son could have no better example. And if he sees you crying he will learn more abut being human. If he sees you overcome your feelings to driv from the intersection and continue, that is a lesson too.

It may be of no comfort to you but I admire you for writing that letter, truth can be hard to write, and at times hard to see when love combats realistic thought. You may have times you feel guilty for writing it, not fronting the parole board, or any one of a million things, if you do please remember my admiration.

Croix

[July]

Hi Croix,

Thankyou for your faith in me, it means more than you know . My younger son just turned 16, he is excelling at school and has an atar score at this moment of around 98, so he is doing well . He is a mature and loving boy and is a blessing to me ,he is very understanding and has not let his brothers predicament hinder his life. I'm sure he worries about his brother but also realises we make choices in life that are of our own doing. We talk about his absent brother and we will see him again when we can .

You are right with my ongoing grief ..yes its like mourning my son but he's still alive . The daily stress of never knowing what will happen when he gets out. At least while he's in prison I feel somewhat safe, as his issues revolve around drugs then crime.

I always tell my boys to express their emotions , and they can talk to me no matter what, my younger son is very affectionate with me , always hugging me and telling me he loves me, he is towering over me now and has a lot of the same mannerisms of his older brother , which at times is precious to see , its like hugging both of my boys at once .. a happy but also sad moment at times. I think being home with my younger son makes me grieve my older son more sometimes , I just wish life was easier and this situation would get better and that's it ….I have grave doubts about his ability to resist the drugs when free... if he doesn't get professional help/ rehab and address his issues.

Going through everything I have with my older son , I have never for one minute regretted having him , being only 19 at the time and ...I have told him that many times. He is loved and valued always .

July