Sadness,grief and regret over sons incarceration

July · ‎13-03-2015

Hi, I am new to this but need to talk to someone, anyone, I am a mother of 4 children , three adults ages 25, 29,32 and a 10 year old son from from second marriage. My eldest son was convicted of a crime and is now in prison,he is 32 and the whole experience has devastated me , sitting through the trial I cried the whole two days everyone was looking at me obviously knowing I was the mother ,then his sentencing was a day I shall never forget I had to write a letter to the judge about my son, about his drug use, about his father not being in his life since we divorced and his downfall, I also wrote about how I loved him would stand by him, I'm sorry I failed him and he turned to drugs too take away his pain, but underneath all that was a wonderful creative boy who just took a wrong turn, the judge starting reading my letter word for word out to the court room, I looked at my beautiful boy and there were tears running down his face, I think he finally realised what he has done not only to himself but to me as his mother, that image is burned into my memory ,for once in my life I could not protect my child and it killed me, his sentence was given and they took him away, he will be released about september. I cannot tell anyone and the stress is unbearable,I have to lie to people to excuse his absence , he is clean and sober now and has turned this life around he is doing all the courses to correct his life while in prison and is deeply regretful of his choices, I do not excuse his behaviour but I am his mother and I have to stand by him, I look at all the other families visiting in prison and it is so sad it affects the whole family. This is the first time I have said this out aloud it is so hard to live with this "secret",I just don't know how to live with this.

Doolhof · ‎17-10-2016

Hi Ladies,

July, I do so hope that your son has learnt has lesson, that he appreciates all he has now and that he works hard on not returning to prison.

Anne, I wish the same for your son when he gets out of prison.

Sometimes I have enough difficulty keeping myself out of possible trouble and mischief. I can not begin to imagine what it is like for you ladies hoping your sons can do the same for themselves.

My sister told me she really enjoyed her time her, that she felt like she had the rest she longed for so that is good.

Our childhood was not all that happy or cheerful. It seemed a lot of what I said my sister turned back to unfavourable events from the past. I guess she was more run down and tired than I had realised, so good she was able to stay and have a rest.

I also caught up with my younger sister who had our Dad staying with her for a few days. We had a family dinner. My husband has not attended these dinners for a couple of years now. In some ways it is easier when he stays home. Ha. Ha.

We had a couple of days of sunshine in our part of S.A. now it has returned cold and wet once more!

Cheerio for now ladies, thinking of you both and hoping your week goes well.

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

Hopefullseeking · ‎14-11-2016

Hi Mrs Dools,

Sorry I haven't answered your post but life has been really sucky for a while now.

My depression has taken a dive and I am struggling to cope with it.

Good news is mum is home from hospital and managing in a sort of fashion. She sent Peter one of my home made cards but it was returned to her, I could have told her that. They are made with 3-D objects and those don't pass prison security.

My health has deteriorated a bit and that has knocked me around. I had an MRI on my knee and I am up for a knee replacement, I knew I was heading that way but thought I could put it off for a few years but no such luck. I am in a lot of pain with both my knees but will handle one at a time.

This has affected my planned trip to New Zealand in feb, I have cancelled it all together. My friend went into panic mode at the thought of me coming over and possibly getting into trouble and needing either Dr or hospital. I felt I couldn't manage to go site seeing so with her reaction and my uncertain thoughts I cancelled.

I also have a phobia of hospitals and operations so I am feeling really anxious even though it maybe years before I can get the operation.

I don't have an appointment with my shrink November, December and January, with her holidays and Christmas and clashing with my psychologists appointments. That is making me feel nervous but I do have my psychologists monthly appointments.

All this has affected my depression and I am struggling to bring myself back up again.

Mum doesn't help. With my depression or knees or even if I have a cold she will ring me nearly every day and ask how I am going with ??? She doesn't get it. My depression isn't going to get better just because she is asking nor is my knee going to get better overnight. I think she expects me to wake up one day and my depression has disappeared over night, not going to happen. I know she is asking out of concern but it is as if she wants things to miraculously get better and that isn't going to happen either.

Sorry I sound like I am ungrateful for her concern I am grateful but I just wish she would 'get it'.

Sorry I didn't answer you at all Mrs Dools and now I have run out of words.

Hope you are doing well and keeping happy.

Anne

Doolhof · ‎14-11-2016

Hi Anne,

You have certainly had a lot to deal with lately. Pain and depression do not go together very well. I know that one with my back.

Is there anything you can do now to help relieve the pain you are experiencing?

I'm sorry to read you had to cancel your holiday to New Zealand. It is difficult to make the most of a holiday if you are in pain and unable to mobilise very well. I do so hope you will be4 bale to have the operation sooner than later and that you will be able to make it to New Zealand in the future.

Wouldn't it be wonderful if you could turn off the depression button! I too have been feeling a bit low lately. It really does suck.

Today I pushed myself out the door and helped out with the Riding for the Disabled group again. It certainly took my mind off things as I had to watch the horses and the children all of the time. No opportunity to think of anything else!

I do so hope that you are able to find some enjoyable moments in your day and can ease your pain somehow!

Good to know you r Mum is doing better too.

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

Hopefullseeking · ‎15-11-2016

I agree with you Mrs Dools pain and depression don't go well together. My depression is always worse when I am in pain.

It is a bit of a double edged sword as pain medication affects my liver so l don't take them.

I am way down on the waiting list so it could be up to two years before the operation.

I would love to have a depression button. It always oes down when I finally think I am getting on top of it, l suppose that is the same with everyone.

I do push myself all the time to o thinks. Today l went to some Internet training at my volunteer job when all l wanted to do was crawl into bed.

All l can say is l am doing my best and managing as well as l can.

Hugs

Doolhof · ‎06-12-2016

Hi Anne,

Seems like I lost track of this post again!

Hope you and July are okay and your Mum too Anne.

Guess you ladies have a bit of a tough time at Christmas with all that has happened over the years.

All the best for the Festive Season.

Cheers from Mrs. Dools

A_Tech · ‎09-12-2016

Hi Anne,

It's been a really long time since I've posted here, about a year I think? Last September was when my brother was sentenced, I've definitely been struggling since then too.

I don't have the physical pain that your also going through, but I DO know what you mean by I wish people just 'get it' about the depression. Just because I don't have a HUGE injury on my body that they can actually see, doesn't mean I'm not crying in pain!

What I struggle the most with I guess is how everyone has seemed to moved on with life, but I'm stuck here in limbo. I know too much to EVER go back to the soul bond of twins, but I can't move on without him knowing he's only 15minutes away from me, but it will never be the same again.

My life before his arrest is gone, most people walked away and I eventually lost the job I loved as much as life. People hear murder charge and of course I'm guilty by association. It didn't help that the trial didn't happen for two and a half years!! And then day one of trial, he changed his plea to guilty.

That's when my life changed . Of course I had believed him! What was wrong with me? What was wrong with HIM? He lied to ME for two and a half years. His other half. The day he was sentenced was like a TV drama movie. I could hear someone scream and wail and sobbing uncontrollably. It took a few minutes to realise it was me.

Guilty of murder, sentenced to life in prison, with a minimum non parole period of 19 years.

What the hell???

So that was just over a year ago. A couple of hospital admissions since then, my husband, son and dad are all that I have and I am so grateful to them.

I do get a sadistic kick though out of messing with people sometimes. If I absolutely HAVE to socialise, it always ends up with the group discussion on how bad things are for this one or that one. So thats when I like to drop in, 'come on I can trump you all and you know it! My brothers a murderer'.

My moment of payback to watch them squirm I guess, the same ones that shunned me, but unfortunately hubby and I worked at the same hospital! Ironic right, I can't put it behind me if tried.

So, I guess I wanted you to know that I know the pain too. My hubby is brilliant but he doesn't really get the depression either. I think only those of us that have been there can really ever understand that part.

I'm always here

Donna xxx

Doolhof · ‎10-12-2016

Hi Donna,

It must have been a horrible shock to you to discover your brother was actually guilty of murder. I don't know how you process that kind of information.

Depression can be different and yet the same in so many people. Like you mentioned it is hard for others to understand when they have not experienced depression. It is not like a broken leg that you can see.

Some people sort of understand cancer, to me depression is like cancer of the mind.

Hope you are receiving the professional help you need to deal with all you have been trough and continue to experience.

It is tough seeing the world keep on moving when you feel like yours has been destroyed.

Do you get to visit your brother very often? I have no idea how the prison system works regarding visitation.

Thinking of you, from Mrs. Dools

A_Tech · ‎11-12-2016

Hi Mrs Dools,

Thank you for your words of support. It's amazing how words from 'strangers' on a forum can mean so much more to me than from people I've known for years, who I know say things only to be polite rather than because I believe it's sincere 😞.

I think deep down I always knew but just couldn't comprehend that reality. After he was sentenced we saw each other as usual, but things were different. Neither of us really spoke about it, I tried at first but he refused, didn't want to hurt me any more.

I had a breakdown and ended up in hospital in April this year, a few days after the anniversary of our sisters death and 3 years since the crime. They were 4 days apart.

I actually haven't seen him since, and he has made no contact with me either. I drive past the prison often as it's only 15 minutes from my home, so that makes it difficult sometimes. I know I will see him soon, I just needed to process things I think? I think he knows that too which is why he hasn't been calling either.

I agree with your statement that depression is a cancer of the brain. Most definitely!!! It's just a shame that not all people are so willing to see that.

And yes, I have definitely been getting all the appropriate help thank you. I am also very blessed to have a extremely supportive husband, son and father. I know that I will be ok. And I know that he will be ok too. That's still very important to me. He is still and always will be, the other half of me!

But today is a wonderful day! My hubby and I leave in a couple of hours for a week in New York. We've been before but not at Christmas time with the snow. It's going to be magical!

So for now I will say bon voyage, and I'll check in in a week or so.

Take care, Donna x

cath57 · ‎11-12-2016

Hi Just thanking you all for this site the reading has been really helpful, son a addict still in denial, facing sentence the 10th of jan 2017. My son has always since 18 used a mind altering substance during his life. Now 39 and facing justice as he should, that part I accept. The mess that is or will be left behind with the help of what is left of my sanity will be ok. Its a nightmare to live this life, where to be open, the grieving never ends. The words you have all shared are words that have led me in my search for my recovery, hoping to be able to find the courage to accept what I cannot change .I am at the point of exhaustion, and yet I read your post and once again commit myself to seeking support for myself, why is it we feel the blame or guilt. I once gain thankyou, as I have so much to share and ask for only the understanding of my ongoing rants in the future. My recovery is not from substance abuse but from the emotional roller coaster my sons addiction has inflicted upon our lives, all the anger in this journey just keeps going. Thanks

Doolhof · ‎12-12-2016

Hi Donna,

Thanks so much for sharing your story. I do so hope you have a wonderful time in New York! I'm writing now, as my mind forgets a lot of things these days and I wanted to respond to you.

At the age of 10 I met a boy and we have been friends ever since. I always thought of him as my brother. The last few years he has not been in contact so much and it has broken my heart. I know your situation is totally different. In a small way I understand the wanting life to go back to how it was.

Once again, I hope you have a wonderful Christmas and enjoy New York!

Cheers from Mrs. Dools