Sadness,grief and regret over sons incarceration

[July]

Hi, I am new to this but  need to talk to someone, anyone, I am a mother of 4 children , three adults ages 25, 29,32 and a 10 year old son from from second marriage. My eldest son was convicted of  a crime and is now in prison,he is 32 and the whole experience has devastated me , sitting through the trial I cried the whole two days everyone was looking at me  obviously knowing I was the mother ,then his sentencing was a day I shall never forget I had to write a letter to the judge about my son, about his drug use, about his father not being in his life since we divorced and his downfall, I also wrote about  how I loved him would stand by him, I'm sorry I failed him  and he turned to drugs too take away his pain, but underneath all that was a wonderful creative boy who just took a wrong turn, the judge  starting reading my letter word for word out to the court room, I looked at my beautiful boy and there were tears running down his face, I think he finally realised what he has done not only to himself but to me as his mother, that image is burned into my memory ,for once in my life I could not protect my child and it killed me, his sentence was given and they took him away, he will be released about september. I cannot tell  anyone and the stress is unbearable,I have to lie to people to excuse his absence , he is clean and sober now and has turned this life around he is doing all the courses to correct his life while in prison and is deeply regretful of his choices, I do not excuse his behaviour  but I am his mother and I have to stand by him, I look at all the other families visiting in prison and it is so sad it affects the whole family. This is the first time I have said this out aloud it is so hard to live with this "secret",I just don't know how to live with this.

[July]

Hi Anne,

Yes, I to feel at times I am going backwards or I can't seem to get over past hurts than have been done to me, I want to not think about it and something will remind me and I feel that old pain of rejection, isolation and unworthiness....I hate it, why can't I just get over things?? or not let it eat me up inside.

I think for me it just reflects back on to my childhood, of not feeling valued and worthy and not being allowed to speak up and voice my opinions, I always want to be in the background no matter where I am, and even when I am praised by someone I feel "oh they really don't mean it", how sad is that.... what a legacy my parents have left me.

I will always feel a piece of me is missing and it really annoys me that I just can't get past it.

I think looking back I have had depression all my life to varying degrees, even as a child, I never thought I would admit that but when my son went to prison , I think that was the straw that broke the camels back for me.

So you are not alone, there are many of us out there trying to live life as best as we can, I am glad to hear your mum is making progress so try and focus on that.

Take care.

July

[Hopefullseeking]

Hi July,

I have the same thing with not being able to let things goand l try so hard. It upsets me that l canbe triggered to the past so easily.

The paragraph where you mention your childhood isme to a tee. Even now l prefer to be fussing in the kitchen at social events where l volunteer so l don't have to mingle and l get such praise for always cleaning up, if only they knew.

I too was tipped over the edge whenmy son went to jail, that was when l revisited my psychiatrist after a 7 year gap. I knew l was loosing it.

I to have had depression all my life and l know when l am going down badly and that is when l knew l needed help.

I feel like my depression and anxiety etc. are a constant battle that have to take day by day and tackle each and every day. Unless you have depression anxiety etc you don't really understand what a battle it is to live with.

Its so fantastic that we are here for each other.

Lots of love

[July]

Hi Anne,

So true, its been a blessing that we have had each other to bounce off and divulge sensitive information to, and all anonymous, sometimes it is easier to talk to someone who doesn't know you...maybe cause we feel like we won't be judged, but I know for me I think I have never spoken so much, than on here about my true feelings, my life and the ups and downs I have been through.

Thank God to, because I feel free to write here and many times I have been crying while writing here as the emotions pour from my heart and soul.

But I am lucky really, my problems are no different to any one else, so we need to push forward and look for a brighter future, I hope you are good today....if not today ...tomorrow is going to be better.

Take care

July

[Hopefullseeking]

Morning July,

Yes l agree whole heartedly, l,can talk here freely and openly and at times l to have cried while typing.

I have some good news for a change. Peter sent me a birthday card which was a few days late so totally unexpected. I had thought that once again he wasn't going to acknowledge my birthday. It wasn't the normal prison card either so that means he must have asked someone to buy the card and bring it to him, huge, massive. My psychologist was pleased, so we are doing the right thing by me writing to him every few months.

Mum is progressing slowly and we can't do much but see how she goes. She is in the rehab ward in the hospital so making snail pace progress.

My depression and anxiety has taken a dive with mum sick but l suppose that is to be expected.

Have taken another blow which has rattled me. The manager where l volunteer has been a huge support to me and l don't think l would have gotten through the last couple of years volunteering without her. She was offered another job, unexpectedly and with very short notice so she has gone. I had put in for two weeks holidays so l am doing that now. My volunteering will be more difficult without her, she understood me, we had wayward children in common and she could always pick when l was feeling down and would be there if l needed someone to talk to. I will feel lost without her. She says the contract is only three months but l don't think she will be back.

l,will see it out for a while and see how it all goes. Hopefully it will be ok as l do like the work l am doing here.

My brother from overseas is here at the moment visiting which is nice, we only see him every couple of years. A short visit, a week, which is why l put in for holidays. We are all staying in mums unit and l go back home tomorrow and he goes back home the following day.

Lots is news on my part.

Hope all is well in your households.

Lots of love

A

[Doolhof]

Hi Ladies,

I so relate with both of you with your comments regarding self esteem and wanting to be in the background. I too am the one at parties working in the kitchen, even when it is not my party! We were invited to a party of my husband's friends. I didn't know anyone there, so helped the family with the catering and cleaning up!

I too understand the feeling of being hit by a wrecking ball at times and trying to pull yourself together again.

This year I was hit hard again by grief in August relating to the anniversary of our son's birth/death. For some reason his date hits me the most.

Due to the constant increasing pain in my back, I have decided to resign from work and that takes effect end of this month. My husband has already told me that he doesn't want me bothering him all day! I can tell him when lunch is ready and that is that.

A friend whom I have known since I was 10 is going to be close by us this weekend, but this person has stopped being a friend for some reason. Knowing they are going to be so close and yet so far away at the same time really hurts. I have de-friended them on facebook as looking at their photos really hurts when the contact is no longer there.

On the bright side, I only have a short period of time left at work.

A friend has invited me to join her at a High Tea on the weekend as a fund raiser for a young guy going to Cambodia soon as a volunteer.

Hope your Mum is doing okay Anne. Also hope the time with the brothers goes well despite everything. Great news you had a card from Peter!

Cheers ladies, hugs to you both, from Mrs. Dools

[Nicoc]

Good morning July

I've only returned to the BB forums after a lengthy period away but the word 'incaseration' caught my eye, and I knew I had something valuable to add to this thread.

I am a mother of nine, but I have also spent time in prison. It's a very difficult position to sit with...one that causes shame, guilt, regret and depression...even twenty years on. My greatest sadness is not so much that I broke the law (yes I take full responsibility and I paid my dues...neither have I committed a crime again), but the fact that I caused so many people that I love so much pain.

It's September now and your son may have been released already. Speaking from experience, don't think that the experience will just disappear. He will need continual love and support, and so will you. Events such as these, will not, (CAN NOT), just be allowed to be swept under the carpet. Time does heal, but it takes a lot of effort.... and the scars will never fade completely.

Remind yourself daily of the gift of freedom...remind your son too.

Good luck

[July]

Hi nicoc,

Thank you for sharing your story, yes its been a long and hard road my son was released last December, he has spent a total of 22 months in prison, he lived with us at home for the first 5 months and now has an apartment and has been working full time since his release which has been great , his boss knows all about his past and has given him the chance to make a new life and I am very grateful to him.

No ...we will never forget this episode in "our" lives...never, it has had many consequences but I will always support him and I have , he has paid his price and should be entitled to move on, albeit with the haunting memory of prison.

I know he never "intentionally" set out for this to happen to us, none of us are perfect and he does deserve love and forgiveness which I have and still give him and always will, in fact this has brought us closer together than ever, because he knows who was there when his world came crashing down.

I am glad you have moved forward in your life , for your sake and your children's and yes.....I do appreciate everything, but most of all that my son is still here and ok.

July

[July]

Hi anne,

Oh I'm so glad peter sent you a card....and yes that is a wonderful step ...he does love you and thinks about you, it shows you are moving along nicely together.

Sorry about your manger moving on, it is a hard blow when you finally trust someone with your confidence...can you contact her outside of work maybe? see how you go.

Good, you are taking some time off.. its a good idea to re- charge your batteries and relax, try and enjoy your work, things will get better.

Take care of yourself.

July

[July]

Hi Mrs Dools,

Hope your back pain gets better, probably good giving up work, take some time to unwind.

I understand the heartbreak of a 'friend' not being in your life , I discussed in previous posts about a so called friend at work making my life hell ,on top on my sons problems, it was so awful, I just felt I couldn't trust anyone again.

But I love your positive attitude, no matter what, you always see the brightness amongst the dark times , I wish I was like that, your input is very much valued.

Your precious anniversaries of your babies will always be a hard day...that's completely normal and you should honour their day, their little souls are an important part of your life so should be remembered always.

Take care

July

[Doolhof]

Hi Nicoc,

It is wonderful you have felt able to share your story here. I have no experience with prison life, only because I was lucky enough not to do too many unlawful things and no one in our family has been to prison as far as I know.

I drop in now and then to this thread to say hi and offer some encouragement and a listening ear so to speak.

As you may have noticed, this is a very safe and caring place to share your thoughts, feelings and memories. People here are not judgemental, just accepting and ready for a kind word.

Nine children, I would love to visit your place Christmas morning!

Cheers, from Mrs. Dools