Sadness,grief and regret over sons incarceration

[July]

Hi, I am new to this but  need to talk to someone, anyone, I am a mother of 4 children , three adults ages 25, 29,32 and a 10 year old son from from second marriage. My eldest son was convicted of  a crime and is now in prison,he is 32 and the whole experience has devastated me , sitting through the trial I cried the whole two days everyone was looking at me  obviously knowing I was the mother ,then his sentencing was a day I shall never forget I had to write a letter to the judge about my son, about his drug use, about his father not being in his life since we divorced and his downfall, I also wrote about  how I loved him would stand by him, I'm sorry I failed him  and he turned to drugs too take away his pain, but underneath all that was a wonderful creative boy who just took a wrong turn, the judge  starting reading my letter word for word out to the court room, I looked at my beautiful boy and there were tears running down his face, I think he finally realised what he has done not only to himself but to me as his mother, that image is burned into my memory ,for once in my life I could not protect my child and it killed me, his sentence was given and they took him away, he will be released about september. I cannot tell  anyone and the stress is unbearable,I have to lie to people to excuse his absence , he is clean and sober now and has turned this life around he is doing all the courses to correct his life while in prison and is deeply regretful of his choices, I do not excuse his behaviour  but I am his mother and I have to stand by him, I look at all the other families visiting in prison and it is so sad it affects the whole family. This is the first time I have said this out aloud it is so hard to live with this "secret",I just don't know how to live with this.

[Hopefullseeking]

Hi July,

I am still plodding along, the depression hasn't improved much but I keep going, not much else I can do really.

So happy to hear your son is progressing along nicely, he seems to have Gotten It, which my son never did.  Things a looking more positive for him the more he can accept responsibility, so wonderful to hear.  Yes you both have a long way to go but it is looking good for him, he seems to be in the right frame of mind to make it.  All positive.

Of course he is scared, he will have to take responsibility for what ever he does, inside that is taken away from them.  They don't have to make any choices as they are told what to do and when to do it.

I think the rules makes them more secure and you can play a huge part here by setting your own rules for him to follow too.  Boundaries will let him know you love him and support him but will not accept any past behaviours, its a biggy and will be tough for you. I did this with my son and he couldn't take it hence disowned me, your son sounds like he will be willing to follow any reasonable  rules that are set for him.

Loving and nurturing are good and most likely what he wants but be careful you don't smother him, let him have enough freedom to learn how to be a good citizen again but still keep an eye on him.  You have a big job ahead but you are not alone, you have family and us.

You will be fine, keep talking to him and communicate what you expect from him and what he can expect from you.

You can do this.

I have not yet heard from my son, so I suppose I should write again and tell him about my trip away.  Its hard I don't want to be rejected again, feel that is what he is doing now.

Lots of love

Anne

[July]

Hi Anne,

Thank you for your post, your words so true and accurate, I know I have to trust him and his own judgements and yes....it will be a challenge after all that has happened , I hope it goes ok he actually asked me if he could stay at home with us for quite a while, I said he can stay as long as he needs to, and there will be rules at my house...for sure, he needs to earn his trust with us again to.

So true about the rules, they are told when to do everything, its a routine and they get used to it and I understand that I'm sure he will miss certain people, not just other prisoners but some of the officers whom he talks quite fondly of, he has formed attachments to some...that's normal human behaviour, but thats the past for him and when he comes home its a new beginning.

My daughters also told me not to smother him, I know, maybe I just feel some guilt at why this has happened, I do feel a sadness that he went through all this, but I bet when he's home he will drive me crazy lol  its a fine balance and I'm sure it will be ok, I can't parent him out of guilt.

You are right in saying I need to let him have his freedom and for him to control his own behaviour after all he has to take responsibility for himself out in the big world.

Thank you for your support, without you and Donna I don't know how I would have got through my dark days, so our bond has been one good thing that has come out of all this... mother's united.

Keep fighting the good fight, there are happy times ahead, try to look forward not back, maybe write that letter ...put it in the post and see what happens, you can't lose...its your son.... so you have already won.

Take care of yourself, you are in my heart and thoughts.

July

[July]

Hi Anne and Donna,

I hope you are both travelling  along well, been a while since I posted, busy with work and day to day stuff, getting ready for my sons release, all looking positive at this stage, he finished his last course yesterday ....so thats it...  just need to wait for the report to be written and given to the parole board, which is all they were waiting for, everything else was in order.

The community justice worker will be in touch with me again, to see if everything is still alright for him to be released into my care, I can't believe it's nearly all over, when I spoke to my daughter who has been by my side through all this, I burst into tears .....I think the sheer relief and burden that will be lifted, finally hit home.

My painful , soul destroying and life altering "secret " is nearly at an end, my son will be able to move forward with his life and I won't have to cover up his absence in our life any more , its almost surreal to think what's happened in the last 21 months.

He has come such a long way and to his credit... has turned his life around, it was all meant to be....albeit a long and sad journey , but I feel it happened to teach him something and make him stop.... and look at where he was in his life, he himself said "I can't believe I have survived this ", meaning being in prison and all the hardships that brings, but he has paid the price and will now grow and learn from that experience.

I am not really religious...but one night looking at the bright moon in the sky I looked up and said  "Thankyou" to whoever is up there.... for allowing me and my son to have this second chance at life and  for our relationship to reconnect and flourish.

Many a time we both could have given up, but love for your child always wins out, and to hear my 33 year old son say he appreciates what we have done and he loves me.. well thats all I need, my fight has been all worth  it.

My silver lining is starting to shine through.

Take care 

July

[July]

Hi Anne and Donna,

Well my journey is nearly at an end....my son is being released from the prison farm tomorrow morning at 8.30am,  I can't believe this day has come, such a mixture of emotions are swirling around me.

The happiness that he will move on with his life in a positive way now, and appreciate the freedom that we all take for granted, his second chance without the drugs and alcohol that cloud and destroy  any decent life, to have a clear mind and heart......what a blessing.

Along with that, my feelings......of relief, a lifting of the burden that has consumed my life for the last 22 months, the stress, anxiety ,the heavy heart of a mother whose son went down the wrong path.

He has a warm and loving home to come home to ....something not all people have, a soft place to fall....time to think about what comes next with our support he has no excuse to fail.

But of course life has a way of testing us all.... so this will be a challenge, I know he is scared about coming out but thats normal, he will have to rely of himself to make decisions....the right ones now.

I am thankful to the prison staff who have guided him and given him advice and steered him down the right path, he needed that discipline, and I have thanked the staff....not many people realise that they do such an important task in rehabilitating prisoners.

I wish you all the best in your journeys.

Take care

July

[Hopefullseeking]

Hi July,

Hope everything is going ok and you have both settled back into life again.  It will be a huge adjustment especially for you son.  You all need time to get use to each other again but at least you have him home again and you don't have to pretend anymore. Yay.

Nothing has changed for me, I haven't heard from my son which hurts.  I have sent him a Christmas card with a short letter inside the card, didn't say anything about him or me just kept it newsy.

My depression hasn't gotten much better as far as he is concerned, anyone who mentions him can bring me to tears very quickly.  I am continuing with both my shrink and psychologist next year, my friends feel I am better but I struggle to see it.

I don't want to rain on your parade just wanted to wish you luck.  Not having a computer and not being able to type on my phone makes leaving messages hard.

Lots of luck

Hugs

A

[July]

Hi Anne,

I am just so glad to hear from you, I am sorry you are not feeling much brighter at this time....but hold onto hope you never know what is around the corner.

Not hearing from your son would be hurtful, but continue on with your life one step at a time...thats all you can do, don't let his issues bring you down , remember its not your fault, he has made his own decisions so let him live by them.

I picked my son up from the prison farm the morning of Dec 2nd, and yes it was strange, it has been a big adjustment for all of us, but he has been well behaved and open and honest with me, letting me know his where abouts and when he will be home......kind of strange for a 33 year old man, but he needs to live his life and learn to adjust.

He has has drivers license and a car which is good, he is already working, albeit a casual job carpet cleaning but hey....its a job and he was honest and upfront and told his boss exactly where he has been and what he did, so thats made him feel good someone is giving him a chance and not judging him on the past.

He is still having counselling and random alcohol and drug testing which is good, he's had two tests already in the 16 days he's been home, he's knows whats expected of him and he seems so much more open now with his feelings, he did tell me he was having a few panic attacks when he goes in public, I told him that's normal after everything you have been though, so take it slow and steady.

He has a new phone number which he changed himself......so he cannot be contacted from anyone from the past...what a great step forward on his behalf, he talks to me and is polite and respectful and thankful.

To see and hear my son now , I am so grateful this whole situation has changed his life, but I have also told him since he's been home that this has also taken huge toll on me and that I served his "sentence" here on the outside, I broke down and cried he came and hugged me and said he was sorry about it all.

I still give him rules here in my house and he has abided by them , I will not tolerate anything less, I know there is a long way to go and I hope he can get his life together and move forward into his own place, but its early days yet he still needs our support.

I think he is really needing of that nurturing to get him on his feet and of course.....I will be there.....haven't I always... after all I am his mum.

Take care I will keep in touch.

 July

[Hopefullseeking]

Hi July

Sorry I haven't been on here for a while but life has been a real struggle and I haven't been up to posting.

Mum is going to send my son a Christmas card too so that should make him happy.

I really believe he has washed his hands of me and unless he says otherwise this is what I am going to believe.  I could rave on and on about why but what is the point, he has and that is all there is to it.

Good to hear he is also still undergoing counselling, he will make it I am sure of that.  He has a great attitude and wonderful support, he will do well.

It is amazing to hear your son is already working, pat on the back to him.  When my son first got out if his case worker told his prospective employee about his criminal record then good bye job, no one would give him a break.  A bit sad really.

Keep up the rules that will help enormously, he is use to strick conditions so rules will help him readjust which is something my son was never able to do, I think.

You are doing a fabulous job, keep up the good work and you and your son will be fine.

Hugs

A

[July]

Hi Anne,

Thank you for your support, its still a long road, and I have to remind him still about our house rules, I think because  he has never on the outside been responsible  for much or accountable he is still needing to be told, which for me gets frustrating at times, I did have another cry yesterday, I shouldn't have to tell a 33 year old man to pick up his clothes or shut the door so the cats don't run out.

I know they sound like minor things but its my house and I also have my 11 year old son now home on school holidays for 7 weeks that probably isn't helping.

I don't want to keep on telling him but I need to make sure he is aware ....this is not a hotel, and he needs to get his life sorted out and stop living in the past and blaming the past, I said to him yesterday ...."you put yourself in this position not me" so you need to think about moving forward .

I am not letting him stay at home for more than a few months, he needs to get his own place and let my life get back to some normality.

I feel I am always catering to everyone else needs and I don't want to slip back into that depression cycle so I need to look after myself before it gets on top of me.

Its hard being a mum, I just want everything to settle down and with christmas here, it also stirs up a lot of emotions old and new.

I am sorry about your son, he must be dealing with some unresolved issues but we cannot solve all of their problems and like my son, he has to get on with it, you just live your life and when he comes around to being part of your life again....then go from there.

I posted a poem called "Reflections of a Parent" you should read it its so true.

Take care and relax if you can, you are not alone.

July

[Hopefullseeking]

Hi July,

I have some great news, I sent a christmas card to P and yesterday I received one in reply, I was shocked and overjoyed at the same time.  He says he misses me heaps which was great to hear.  Tomorrow I intend to take photos of his cousins and their families and send the photos to him, I know he would love to see them.  I might even ask him about phone calls but I want to sit on that for a while. At the moment letters are a good place to start.

July I know your son is a grown man but this is not an ordinary situation.  Would a written list of your house rules put somewhere prominent be helpful to him, it might even benefit your younger son too.  Maybe pin/stick them on the wall outside his bedroom door so he can see them often.  Include pick up clothes, shut door to prevent cats escaping, and any other rules you want him to learn. Circle on the calendar the date you want him to move out by, he may need a step by step guideline to moving out too, he is not use to doing things for himself yet, not fully anyway.

It is all so hard but you are doing it.  It is overwhelming so having a cry is nothing to be ashamed about, you are his mum and this is still extremely stressful for you.

You are doing ok hang in there.

Hugs

A

[July]

Hi Anne,

I am so overjoyed for you, that you have had a card from your son, what a great christmas surprise, he knows you are a wonderful mum and of course he misses you, its so hard what we have been and are still going through.

Yes, I would send him photos and keep up the connection, step by step, its a great start and you are deserving of some happy news.

The list is a good idea, I did put on note on the inside of our front door to make sure he locks the main door and the security door when he goes out as he has left the security door unlocked at times, and its so annoying to keep asking him, my younger son is no problem he knows the rules, but like you said my older son is not used to the freedom yet.

I am going to sit down with him after xmas and talk about making steps to move forward, and to explain this is just a stepping stone to make him independent, that's what this is about, to make him take responsibility for his own life.

I feel I have been on edge, ever since he got home to be honest, making sure everything is ok and everyone in the house is ok, but I can also feel that stress building up again , I think  thats why I feel so teary more often now.      

Thanks for your support, you are the only one who truly knows what I am feeling inside, hopefully this will settle down.

Take care and have a wonderful xmas with your son in your heart.

July