Sadness,grief and regret over sons incarceration

[July]

Hi, I am new to this but  need to talk to someone, anyone, I am a mother of 4 children , three adults ages 25, 29,32 and a 10 year old son from from second marriage. My eldest son was convicted of  a crime and is now in prison,he is 32 and the whole experience has devastated me , sitting through the trial I cried the whole two days everyone was looking at me  obviously knowing I was the mother ,then his sentencing was a day I shall never forget I had to write a letter to the judge about my son, about his drug use, about his father not being in his life since we divorced and his downfall, I also wrote about  how I loved him would stand by him, I'm sorry I failed him  and he turned to drugs too take away his pain, but underneath all that was a wonderful creative boy who just took a wrong turn, the judge  starting reading my letter word for word out to the court room, I looked at my beautiful boy and there were tears running down his face, I think he finally realised what he has done not only to himself but to me as his mother, that image is burned into my memory ,for once in my life I could not protect my child and it killed me, his sentence was given and they took him away, he will be released about september. I cannot tell  anyone and the stress is unbearable,I have to lie to people to excuse his absence , he is clean and sober now and has turned this life around he is doing all the courses to correct his life while in prison and is deeply regretful of his choices, I do not excuse his behaviour  but I am his mother and I have to stand by him, I look at all the other families visiting in prison and it is so sad it affects the whole family. This is the first time I have said this out aloud it is so hard to live with this "secret",I just don't know how to live with this.

[Doolhof]

Hello July and Nameless1,

Just dropping by quickly, will be out all day working then with friends.

I want to commend you both for being here, supporting each other, caring for your family and trying to do the best you can with what life has dealt you and your families.

I'm counting my blessings for my life. One little slip could have led to a much different life.

May you find the strength and courage you need each day. May there also be moments of happiness, laughter and joy. Kindest regards from Dools

[Nameless1]

Hi Dools

Thankyou so much for your encouragement.

take care too

nameless1

[Doolhof]

Hi Nameless 1, July and all reading,

I've not been around for a few days. Had a bit of a slump. Guess a lot of us know what that is like! I have been out weeding this morning and that has helped a little. I'm trying to look at what I have achieved not so much at what still needs doing!

It can be so easy to focus on the unhelpful!

Later on today I am catching up with a friend for a walk so am looking forwards to that.

Hope you are still hearing from your son fairly regularly and that he is coping okay.

Regards to you and all reading from Dools

[Nameless1]

Hi Dools

I think we all have times we are in a bit of a slump and gardening helps. I love it but this year the weeds have been horrendous and hard to get in top of and the rain and warmth naked them grow quicker. It’s a bit like our troubles . You seem to get on top of things then they come again with a vengeance. You just have to take it day by day and work away at it .abs not worry what is left go do but look at the good job you have done.

Good to hear you are walking talking and sharing with a friend and that it helped. They are also priorities for me. You can get help but also give help too and an understanding ear.
Take care!!
For me It helps that I can see my family … my young grandson again brings great joy

My son rang a lot during their lock-ins from a Covid scare, but not so often now he is busy again with work and the new accomodation means more time preparing food with the group and washing and cleaning.

We heard from a parole officer who is writing the PSA and had a zoom interview and check of accomodation. Still a few months till everything done and decisions finalised. The parole officer will keep in touch with our son and organise the local person not everyone us overloaded .

I have been more focussed on other family health issues the rest of the week.

I hope July you have heard again from your son. I think of you often. keep in touch.
Thanks again Dools . I hope your next week is better for you .

Nameless 1

[July]

Hello everyone,

Happiness has come into my life with the birth of a beautiful grandson last Tuesday , my daughter text her brother with the news of a nephew for him , but no response . Again the hurt of his rejection ripples through our family ...his drug addiction far more important than family ...I know he is an addict and it is a disease ....but for god sake, its so hard to stay sane and forgiving when these types of behaviour occur and its different when he gets in trouble , god forbid we don't drop everything and run to the rescue . My older daughter got sent some "police report " from a unknown person relating to my son?? on a fake Facebook account and then saying how he needs help and he needs his family to help him , I was so angry , we believe it is a girl who was also in prison writing to my son , he did tell me about her and I warned him to stay away . Anyway my daughter wrote to this so called "friend" and said how dare you ,we have gone to hell and back with him, go to prison to visit him ,financially help him ,paid for rehab of which one of his "friends " bought him drugs there so he got kicked out , numerous stories of helping and supporting him . Obviously he spins some sort of sob story about no help from his family to gain sympathy . We do not know any of these so called "friends " he associates with of course. This was so upsetting for me , I'm his mother don't people know I am suffering to with this addiction and it breaks my heart to watch him behave so badly.My daughter also said you are no friend and what you have known him 5 minutes... we have been dealing with this for 20 years . .Some days I feel like I am losing my mind , the worrying is all consuming , I knew when he contacted me last time something was not right , it was my mothers intuition . When he gets in trouble he reaches out but of course doesn't say anything until it gets bad ...so I am now just waiting for the other shoe to drop.I can't help him if he doesn't want the help ....why is that so hard for people to understand , they just don't get it .I lay at night wondering...why ? how ? what can I do ? what haven't I done ? I still border on tears many days , if I let myself think to much about him ...I break down ... I want my little boy back , he's in there I just can't find him.I just needed to let that out. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy , living this double life ...acting happy on the outside but falling apart on the inside is soul destroying.

July

[Croix]

Dear July~

I am delighted you have a new grandson to love and be loved by, it is such a boon to have this happen and I hope this happy event can drive out some of your thoughts on your son. Of course they won't all go, but maybe it will help.

When I say 'your son' - please excuse me for being blunt but you know this already - it is not your son as you remember him, true he is a part of this person, but circumstances, associates and drugs are ruling and he is not the same person at all, and even if he changed would still not be as you remember.

I would imagine any help you give will be swallowed up in the latest crisis and then be gone. I can't advise if you should help, however I'm sure you have realistic idea of what happens - I'm sorry.

If I might suggest you daughter and you block this girl - and any other friends of his that may post on the media. Anything they say is only going to underline behaviour that causes you grief.

Such grief as all those thoughts you mentioned "I lay at night wondering...why ? how ? what can I do ? what haven't I done ? I still border on tears many days" need to be minimized as much as possible.

You do not deserve them and this comes back to your son's behavior, which as you say ripples throughout many.

You said you cannot let yourself think to much of these, may I ask what you can do to head them off?

Looking back I think there is a big difference between putting on a brave face -which you do- and masking yourself. Hard to explain except the latter looks inwards and retreats, the former involves genuine bravery. I hope that makes sense.

I would think those the know you and your circumstances and heart-break would admire you for your cheerful aspect.

You cannot change your son, being torn deciding about future help, or circumstances. All anyone can do is look after oneself.

So I've another question, what do you do to look after yourself? You are a most worthy person and deserve huge efforts to give you a semblance of peace.

Croix

[Nameless1]

Hi July,

I wish I could give you a big hug/ meet you for coffee and talk heart to heart !!! I hear the hurt and pain you are feeling and I know much of what you are dealing with .
How exciting about the birth of your grandson. We have another on the way too and it such a blessing when you spend time with them and the cuddles and their need for you. It takes you away from the pain of what else is happening.
For a while.
I understand that hurt that ripples through the family. Our son was still at home when his nephew was born, but never saw him .. Covid .. and our son was in his period of decline, so we were glad not to have visitors
Your son probably deep down wants to be there for you and be part of the family because I don’t believe the real him ever goes. It just gets buried so deeply. We saw these reasons in our so :-
He didn’t feel happy in himself, yet alone feel happy for others. Numbness.
He felt he was missing out, and didn’t want to think about what others were getting, so easier to stay away and have no contact. Isolation. He was too absorbed in his problems so never called to make facetime calls to see how anyone else was or for our son wouldn’t stick around when we were having one.

The drugs, damage them, break us and affect families . They don’t see it.
What we speak in love they hear as criticism and judgement.
What we show in caring actions, they interpret as getting the way.
We were pushed away we had tried to help with mental health and took him to hospital.
Moved out , Then he fell apart and asked to come home. Then resisted our help, took the wrong path again and was arrested.
I know those restless nights and thoughts. Doubts about ourselves.
I know once our son said he wasn’t the same person anymore, but in prison, clean, sober, and in a regular routine with work, gym regular meals and sleep, he is that person we once knew. Funny and chatty and hopeful. I know your son is there somewhere and you love him.
Hope.

I can’t change him but I am trying to change me to deal with him whatever he will be like, or does. So I can still be a good mother and grandmother and friend. Finding purpose.
Your posts have helped me and others so much. You are a wonderful mother and person. Don’t give up.
Find the strength you need to keep going each day from .. a counsellor, a friend, a minister, an interest that can consume your thoughts while you .

Nameless 1

[Nameless1]

Hi July,

I thought if a few more things from your last post.
I wish I knew how prisoners can transition that stops them reverting back to the bad habits and ways like many do.
I haven’t been through that part like you have, but I would feel like you do if I did
That message on Facebook would have made me angry too…you have tried so hard to help but he has pushed you away. I’m glad you daughter was there for you.
My son won’t let me tell the family so I tell others who can help that don’t know him. For me .church community…God,

Counsellor,

a few supportive friends( and of course my husband),

lots of exercise started from an injury

…writing music …
…..and photography I put on Facebook ..

good family ..even though we can’t tell them more than he has moved away from home and wants his privacy and space…have helped so much.
But…As a mum of course we never stop thinking of them..everyday, and the thoughts of what could of been.
Recently I have heard of his friends finishing Uni, getting good jobs, getting married etc and how could have it all been different. Then I get irritable. And sad.
Yes I feel the double life around most of the people who don’t know where our son is and what he is done, and I don’t think that goes away. The story Imtell. I just try and shut it down as much as possible. and out in place something positive
..songs and music I am writing,
…the layout for my photography,
…my safe place I can imagine,
…a bible passage I repeat ( or positive phrase ),
…prayer ( or meditation )
and look to reach out to others to give purpose for my pain that at least I can support someone else.
We need to vent and cry at times .. I do too…and share with those who know and care.
I’m so glad we can do it here. I have valued the comments and suggestions and worked at putting them into place . I am no good to my son if I am a sinking ship. I want to be able to take him on board and journey with him and support him.
Bet if he doesn’t want to know at least I have tried.
I hope you can find strength to.
You have come this far and you have inspired me by your story .

take careNameless1

[July]

Hello, thank you everyone , your words are exactly what I feel , I know my son his not the same person under the influence and that's what hurts , people see the worst side of him and may not know that he is a good loving person when not taking that life altering poison , and that's what drugs are .

Even when I read nice comments from others ...first it makes me cry ...then I think are they really talking to me? my self esteem has taken such a battering over his behaviour I fail at times to feel I am worthy , not because of my own behaviour but of what he has become.... if that makes sense??

Nameless, yes I would love to meet you to, just to know another parent going through the same thing is comforting...sad but true . My younger daughter who just had the baby 7 days ago told me she text her brother and has not heard back , I did not tell her about the last incident from my older daughter as I did not want her upset right before giving birth ,she doesn't deserve to have a beautiful moment turned into something sad and I know she worries about her big brother .

This is what gets me , his drug fuelled behaviour affects everyone but he is oblivious to it while he is high , he misses out on all the happy family moments through his own doing ...then complains he misses out ?? I can't win ? I'll never win while he is still taking drugs. I feel scared for his life , obviously in that lifestyle who knows what can happen . I do know I retreat myself, at times , sometimes not wanting to deal with anyone and just to be by myself, its for my peace of mind ...I have to .

I joined the gym and have been going to relieve my stress which is good , even if I am busy I still think ...go for yourself... everything else can wait ! at first self conscious , but now I think who cares there are all sorts of people there.

I have a personal trainer and he has been great adjusting things to suit my level and he also told me if I don't look after myself physically and mentally ...who will ? and he's right , he said I am doing very well and getting stronger ...who would thought I would be at a gym?

I have 4 kids and now 4 grandchildren who need me , regardless of what happens I have to be that lighthouse for them and show them how to survive when life doesn't go the way you planned and the one thing that never changes is how love can see you through it all .

July

[Nameless1]

Hi July,

You and a few others on BB are the only other mothers or people who I have spoken to ever with sons in prison .
I too feel unworthy at times ..that if people knew they may not want to know me. I have piano students come to their house (with parents). What if they knew? Would they still come? The night the police came with a search warrant I had an online student. What if they had been in my house having a lesson? I Thank God they weren’t. He will be living back at home. I have to keep the hope all will be well and there are no problems.
But then I know there are several people I have been helping that I couldn’t have helped except for what I am going through.

I am sure it’s the same with you .because of what you have been through .. Helping others ….you help people here too

At the moment it’s hard planning with not knowing when my son gets out on parole. My daughter and my other family wants us to visit in Sydney just near the time he could be out on parole. What do I say when I seem uncertain about going. I can’t explain as she doesn’t even know where he is? It might be 4 weeks or more till, or even after Christmas depending on reports and how busy it’s us they said before he or I could get a call. I have to trust in providence in good timing . I haven’t been to Sydney since beginning 2020 even when my mum was sick and passed away just as my son went into remand. Due to Covid we couldn’t go up for the funeral so no explanation as to why our son didn’t come at least.

Babysitting, friends visiting. I don’t know how he will adjust so it’s hard to know what to do. I have to trust they won’t let him come home if they don’t think he is ready and hopefully he will have support and guidance from the Parole officer.

Having his nephew around hopefully is good for him but not sure what his brother say when if he finds out.( though I am pretty sure sure he has worked out by no movement in his cars and other things that it must either rehab or prison.

… the faith part … each challenge one day at a time… so hard some days.

I am at a gym too.. never that I would be either . ..with personal trainer .. an exercise physiologist. When I started I was very overweight and weak after a year of Covid and the issues with my son . I am glad it has been helpful like it has for me .

I have seen in your posts how you have survived the ups and downs these years and that encourages me I love your last paragraph… the lighthouse !!

Nameless1