Sadness,grief and regret over sons incarceration

[July]

Hi, I am new to this but  need to talk to someone, anyone, I am a mother of 4 children , three adults ages 25, 29,32 and a 10 year old son from from second marriage. My eldest son was convicted of  a crime and is now in prison,he is 32 and the whole experience has devastated me , sitting through the trial I cried the whole two days everyone was looking at me  obviously knowing I was the mother ,then his sentencing was a day I shall never forget I had to write a letter to the judge about my son, about his drug use, about his father not being in his life since we divorced and his downfall, I also wrote about  how I loved him would stand by him, I'm sorry I failed him  and he turned to drugs too take away his pain, but underneath all that was a wonderful creative boy who just took a wrong turn, the judge  starting reading my letter word for word out to the court room, I looked at my beautiful boy and there were tears running down his face, I think he finally realised what he has done not only to himself but to me as his mother, that image is burned into my memory ,for once in my life I could not protect my child and it killed me, his sentence was given and they took him away, he will be released about september. I cannot tell  anyone and the stress is unbearable,I have to lie to people to excuse his absence , he is clean and sober now and has turned this life around he is doing all the courses to correct his life while in prison and is deeply regretful of his choices, I do not excuse his behaviour  but I am his mother and I have to stand by him, I look at all the other families visiting in prison and it is so sad it affects the whole family. This is the first time I have said this out aloud it is so hard to live with this "secret",I just don't know how to live with this.

[Nameless1]

Thanks Croix
I look forward to hearing more from you another time.
We are letting things settle.
The lawyer needs to help our son know what to do next with getting parole etc . The lawyer had been good at keeping in touch with us with phone calls and keeping us up to date with everything.
Its been hard for our lawyers and our son to talk easily as all done over video links and we haven’t been able to sit and talk things through with him. In a way easier though, in that it was all up to our son to be responsible to dealing with what he had done and the appointments as he wasn’t talking or listening much to us for a while there before he was arrested . He had just started to make changes and engage more with us about the month before the arrest so our relationship had been improving but too late by then,
Chat soon.
Nameless1

[Nameless1]

Hi Croix

I just thought I would update with a few more things, though you said you read the other thread I am on.

I have been reading up about sentencing and parole. I agree about the results…. that from what I was reading about things that it could have been far worse. O did explain that when he mentioned he was disappointed yes in. It getting the CCO. I know that certain things are required to be released on parole I don’t know how many actually get released at their minimum time. I would presume they are very strict.
I know Parole still means he is “a prisoner “ and will accountable for many things. I understand that the magistrate wanted a general deterrence for him and other alike him as well as keep him supervised and guided while transitioning back into the community.
We haven’t heard from him for over a week . Borderline thought he perhaps might be being moved and so can’t contact us. Our lawyer is doing a video conference this week so will hear from him otherwise what is happening with that and what he decided with the fines.

I hope all is okay with you too.
Many thanks for your replies

Nameless1

[July]

Hello,

So sorry I have not read your post until now, but I am so thankful my story has helped bring some comfort to you . My son is now just turned 39 , he got off parole in march after his second stint in prison , I thought he was doing ok but of course on parole he has no option ? anyway he has declined again , my two daughters saw him about 6 weeks ago and told me he was high , and was acting paranoid and clearly under the influence of drugs .

My heart broke... not just for me but for him , how can you be sober for so long then just give in again knowing your life will crumble ...I don't get it ...I never will !! His addiction is clearly his keeper and I sit by and watch my son lured back in , my love has not and is not going to save him ... do I have to give in to ? Being his mum, I to,am fighting this addiction , but the drugs are winning . He wont address his issues and face his problems , its easier to fall back to the darkness than to face the light .

No I wont give up on him although I at times ...wonder how I am going to get through, when I go, will his legacy be left to my three other children to suffer and watch their brother in and out of prison and drowning in his addiction .

In the beginning of this I was optimistic , the ever hopeful mother , praying and begging for an answer, thinking quite naively it will get better, now I just get by each day , hoping I don't get that fateful phone call.

We are not alone and the comfort from other parents living this nightmare is somewhat of a consolation , stay strong .

Regards,

July

[July]

Hi, I haven't been on for a while , life happens to get in the way at times, all said and done I'm doing alright . My son got off parole in march , ok for a few weeks then he's now back I suspect , my daughters confirmed he's drug taking again , also he did not come to our birthday night (his birthday night ) dinner as planned , calling me on the day to arrange something else , I could tell straight away he was not himself and obviously me living through his 20 year addiction , the red flags were flying, my heart again sunk and my hopes crushed. I have not heard from him since , clearly this is what he does when he has regressed, the pain and shame has again caused him to retreat from me , I know and he's told me ...he can't stand to see the immense pain in my eyes , as again he drags me down the rabbit hole with him. At least I know there is some decency and human concern from him to realise he's causing distress to us. I so desperately try to stay positive through it all but to admit defeat and give up is not in me , and I'm terrified if I ever gave up this fight it would completely destroy any glimmer of hope for him knowing that love can survive anything and being his mum is my lifeline .

I carry on with my normal life , but my mind always wanders to him , hoping, praying that he's ok ...its like a living death ...he's here but he's not. Thats the only way I can describe it .

Thankyou for caring .

July

[Croix]

Dear July~

You said “Thank you for caring”.

Actually, we should be the ones saying thank you to you. You have shown what true caring really is. It’s not something that only lasts during the easy times, but continues during the hard, and yours is about as hard as they get. It shows there are steadfast people in this world.

Your post describes it so well as do your final words

“I carry on with my normal life , but my mind always wanders to him , hoping, praying that he's ok ...its like a living death ...he's here but he's not.”

Love, determination and hanging on to hope, not just for yourself, but for your son’s sake too. Unlike my parents your children are lucky to be so well cared for and have such an example to follow.

If it is any consolation there are elements of yourself in your son, which I think you can see by his being hurt for you looking at the disappointment and grief in your eyes. Shame and lifestyle may keep him away but he knows you love him.

I do not want to build up false hope in a very poor situation but maybe at some future time that love, differing circumstances plus the other elements of you buried inside him will allow him to change.

In the meantime, your other three children may well be able to see the errors you son fell into and that may help them avoid them.

Thank you

Croix

[July]

Hi croix,

Thankyou for your post , as I read it , it came to me that even as a grown adult and mother myself we still all need that recognition that we are doing a good job or albeit trying the best we can in a soul destroying situation. We all want to be accepted by others .

I never had that love and acceptance from my parents, not once in my life did my mother ever tell me she loved me , quite the opposite , I was a burden , I guess in the sixties you were expected to get married and have children ...she is someone who shouldn't of had children . But my only blessing is ..I am the exact opposite to her , I wanted children , I hoped to show my kids what a real mother does , what real love is and what real love can achieve .Maybe thats why I have survived this ? I don't ever want my children to feel unloved or unwanted . I of course am not the perfect parent ... no one is , but I do know I am a hell of a lot better than how I was raised, I know how it feels to be unloved, unwanted and not cherished.

I don't hold any anger towards my parents now , they are both dead, of course I wish I had a happy childhood who doesn't ... just sadness is left now.

But your childhood hurts often pop up throughout your life , so I have the legacy of feeling under valued and constantly on guard , waiting for something bad to happen , as I never felt that protection of a loving parents arms to support you and make you feel secure.

I am so lucky to have had 4 kids and I will never regret one minute of my life, good times and bad .

You are right , I do see in my son ...a lot of me , deep down he is a beautiful precious boy, and I hope my love wins eventually over the drug use, but I am here for him always , he knows I love him and he loves me ...thats all I need know .

Take care

July

[demonblaster]

Dear July Nameless Croixy and readers hi everyone ☺


Really good to see you July ☺ I've often wondered how it's been going for you all.
How terribly sad he's gone back to the life. You poor lady I feel very sorry hearing that and for your family.


Yes I think we all look for ways to hide pain.
It is hard facing demons and sadly when there's other choices offering promises in the form of lies that it'll all go away which it doesnt it can seem the easier way not that it ever is of course as you poor girls and families of so many know and suffer through. It's so cruel.


I'm so glad hearing that there's a part of him that's aware of pain being caused. That small seed might possibly spark him one day to move in the right direction.
Hold onto hope good people it's a strong lifeline.


It sounds like you've found a place that's I wouldn't thinks comfortable but holding you I guess July.


You're an amazing Mum you have/do stand by your son in such heartbreaking circumstances. You too Nameless this is so sad what you dear people have to go through.


Sending you both and anyone needing heartfelt warmth and care in these hugs 🤗


I really do feel for your pain.
Your children are very lucky to have so much love from you all.


Nameless hi darl ☺ sorry lovey I haven't forgotten you hun. Also been thinking about you.
Read back from top of page. Such an ordeal.


You're amazing people ⚘

[Nameless1]

Hi July everyone!! !

No one posted for a while and I checked everyday then when I looked last night there were some messages!! Great to hear from you all!!

I tried logging in last night and got all sorts of things like my password word wasn’t valid and incorrect credentials . I reset my password and I’m back in.

So glad to hear from you July!! Having read the story from the beginning it is good to hear from you.
I’m sorry for you and very sorry for him that he is so troubled that he can only cope by being high. I know my son became like that before he was arrested. I know from you said that there was so much hope for him this second time. It shows that there is so much still troubling him and he can’t cope on his own and needs to just lesson the pain in the only way he knows despite all the programmes and help and support he has.
I have learnt we will never know what goes on inside their minds and heart. I am sure he doesn’t want to be like this but just can’t escape this. I am sure he is a wonderful caring loving person and son that you have nurtured through life. Like my son. He became a different person too. We go though their pain and addiction with him. You hope that the time in prison will lesson that addiction.
My son seemed to accept what was happening and hopes to be out in low security at some time, but we haven’t heard from him for over a month again son it sure. Last time he was just keeping his head down and getting on with work study and exercise and I guess now he has other programmes to do. He finds it hard talking to us and getting his hopes up about when he will be released on parole . Could be as early as mid October and then 9 months parole. I am not sure how soon after the minimum time they are realistically released but I guess it. depends on the parole board. He seemed to have a good report went to the hearing.

I hope we can continue to support each other through this ans I will make sure I check replies daily to see any messages. Life gets busy doing things for them and then we need to consider other family members and ourselves .

warm regards

Nameless1

[Doolhof]

Hi July,

My thoughts are with you. I can not begin to imagine what it is like to walk in your shoes. I want to acknowledge your pain, the sorrow you must feel for your son and the life he has chosen.

I also want to thank you for sharing your life's journey, your vulnerability, your truths, your strength and your desire to continue. The love and care you have for your son is very special.

Kindest regards to you, may you continue to find strength and hope, from Dools

[Doolhof]

Hi Nameless1,

I just want to acknowledge all you are going through, your son as well.

May you too find strength and hope.

Regards from Dools