Sadness,grief and regret over sons incarceration

[July]

Hi, I am new to this but  need to talk to someone, anyone, I am a mother of 4 children , three adults ages 25, 29,32 and a 10 year old son from from second marriage. My eldest son was convicted of  a crime and is now in prison,he is 32 and the whole experience has devastated me , sitting through the trial I cried the whole two days everyone was looking at me  obviously knowing I was the mother ,then his sentencing was a day I shall never forget I had to write a letter to the judge about my son, about his drug use, about his father not being in his life since we divorced and his downfall, I also wrote about  how I loved him would stand by him, I'm sorry I failed him  and he turned to drugs too take away his pain, but underneath all that was a wonderful creative boy who just took a wrong turn, the judge  starting reading my letter word for word out to the court room, I looked at my beautiful boy and there were tears running down his face, I think he finally realised what he has done not only to himself but to me as his mother, that image is burned into my memory ,for once in my life I could not protect my child and it killed me, his sentence was given and they took him away, he will be released about september. I cannot tell  anyone and the stress is unbearable,I have to lie to people to excuse his absence , he is clean and sober now and has turned this life around he is doing all the courses to correct his life while in prison and is deeply regretful of his choices, I do not excuse his behaviour  but I am his mother and I have to stand by him, I look at all the other families visiting in prison and it is so sad it affects the whole family. This is the first time I have said this out aloud it is so hard to live with this "secret",I just don't know how to live with this.

[Nameless1]

Hi Croix,

is there something I can do to make it easier with the 2 threads I am on? I am not sure how it works and you are one and BOrder line in the other. It is confusing for me too .

I spoke to lawyer today as he is speaking to our son tomorrow but will write more later .

Nameless 1

[Croix]

Dear Nameless1~

The 2 threads are a complex problem as Borderline is a wealth of information on current matters although this is your personal thread here.

Borderline's answers help others as well as yourself.

Can we leave things as-is just for the moment? I do read both threads and you have other supporters here.

I'm hoping your lawyer has some positive suggestions and can lay out matters clearly, please do not be shy in insisting on explanations if you feel at all unsure about anything mentioned.

Thanks

Croix

[Nameless1]

Hi Croix

I can’t see my reply from yesterday .

Just wondering if I can make it easier following both threads .
Does borderline then read this thread as well? And can he reply in here too?
Mu son’s lawyer recommended and he agreed to using a forensic psychologist to help with getting a CCO and good treatment after release. I hope it goes well when the appointment is organised and works well in helping him. I am not sure how he will react as it will dig around in sensitive areas!!

We don’t want it to be seen to be justifying or excusing him but to see the reality behind his behaviour and to make sure on release he gets the right help to heal the problems he had/has to help transition back into real life again. As you said, he has to make that commitment to getting better .

thanks for your replies. It is great to talk someone who has understands

Nameless1

[Croix]

Dear Nameless1~

Don't worry too much about 2 threads at this stage, it is a minor thing and if you can cope so can I. I've no idea if Borderline reads this thread too. The fact you get such good advice at the moment means I'd hesitant to change anything. As for posting here yes I guess Borderline could if it felt appropriate.

Missing posts have been known to happen. If you had misspoken yourself you would have received a note from the Moderators, if not it is simply the internet -I've lost posts too.

A Community Care Order sounds a very sensible way of proceeding, however it is not all that straightforward unless the person concerned wishes to cooperate, so please do not pin all your hopes on it. I have been involved with them and some people present well leaving the CATT team with difficulties.

On the other hand if they do work they can do a fair bit of good. I've seen a person change within a week after the start of a course of the correct (compulsory) medication

I hpe you and your partner are bearing up under the strain

Please let us know how things go.

Croix

[Nameless1]

Hi Croix

Sorry I have not replied as life has been busy . I just also replied to borderline so won’t repeat myself.

His lawyer and the psychologist explained the CCO to my son and he seemed happy with that but I know it means some work and I hope he committs to it, if that is what he is given. That is all to come .

Just wondering what you mean by “

”I have been involved with them and some people present well leaving the CATT team with difficulties.”

I am getting ahead of myself here and it might not even occur but if my son does struggle with his mental health coming out where is the best place in the evening to go or person to ring in a crisis .. the CATT team? ? Other suggestion? Being taken to emergency is NOT beneficial and from our experience and for others, it only my makes things a much worse as you wait so so long and you still don’t get very good help.

He rang the police himself once and they were very good at coming and calming him down and he didn’t need to go anywhere . Otherwise they would have taken him to emergency .
Beyond blue and lifeline good for one one off conversations at the time of crisis, then will need other help.

My husband and I are very supportive of each other and went to counselling together and have spent many hours talking together . The difficult time will be when we are face to face with our son when he comes out and we have discussions with him again. It has been hard to do that via phone and email

Thanks for listening and for your concern. You will see my other comments in the reply to Border line.

Nameless 1

[Croix]

Dear Nameless 1~

Yes I read the other thread, and as usual Borderline have given excellent advice, so throw the grog out and don't apologize for doing so.

The scenario that puzzled you goes something like a person, be it parent, partner or other close person will ring a CATT team if they believe the peron is not able to look after themself. That does not mean they may be finding life difficult, but they can't function well enough to live unassisted in everyday tasks.

This is just my impression, not an official explanation which may vary a lot.

If the team turns up and is presented with a person who says the matter was a domestic dispute, and appears in all respects rational, then they will find it hard to have a reason to take any action, despite the possible distress of the person calling unless there is further evidence. So they have to make a decision on what action to take and balance one thing against another.

In your son's case his current circumstances and conditon, coupled with a record of calling the police in the past plus a report from his mental health team might help.

This is probably an oversimplified example however I've watched similar happen.

If you can get his permission discuss the matter of mode of treatment wiht his doctor.

I don't know who would be a positive influence to seek help from 24/7. As you say help lines are ok, but not designed for long-term therapy. People trying to kick the alcohol habit had a buddy or mentor to call

Perhaps even asking you son might be productive. Of course there are Forums such as this for peer support, however they are not instantaneous as you know.

Croix

[Nameless1]

Hi Croix,

Thanks for all that and will take it all on board!! I am sure we will fail at times but will do our best fo listen to advice . We have never been down this road before till our son had troubles. A huge learning curve. The system is very overloaded and some areas need to make huge changes.
I e we ill

I will keep you you updated and I’m sure I will have more questions again
Many Thanks

Nameless 1

[Croix]

Dear Nameless1~

Let's indulge in a bit of wishful thinking, that your son is incarcerated, improves himself inside with whatever courses are available (I do not recommend accountancy) and comes out wiht a positive attitude.

Yes I know, this is the very up-side, however I'm sure you have entertained just about continuous dark thoughts so this is by way of a change - a small spark of light.

One of the big problems facing him is employment, and a lot of the world will not employ anyone wiht an adverse police record, however not everyone feels that way. I remember trying to get someone a cab driver's license (but failed due it inflexible bureaucracy) even though I was a serving office and was suggesting him.

I did succeed in the end, fixing tractors on a farm. Not ideal but not that bad either. I lost touch later but am under the impression things kept improving for him and his family.

This is not a typical case, but happens, and there the fact he was released on parole went in his favor in this case with the owner.

OK, not always realistic, but possible

Croix

[Nameless1]

Hi Croix

So let’s see where the wishful thinking ended.

So, the plan had been to plead guilty, provide reports from various sources…doctors psychologists , forensic psychologist psychologists , prison report for the time in remand, us, etc. to explain his background … not justify it … and so he could ask for a CCO and get released soonish using time in remand as time served.

In the end he was given a sentence that was longer than what he has served pre release in remand , but with a 9 month parole, so he will still have a few more months before .

So looking into the future …He can now do those courses to improve himself and come out with a positive attitude. He comes out on parole and does all that is required and works on his mental health and other problems. Due to this positive attitude he gets a job,

a a they see he is a hard worker …and is able to move towards living a normal life, saving money and staying away from the cause of his past problems. He finds supportive friends, and new activities to keep him busy and does volunteer work helping kids. He reconnects with his family.

How was that?
Thankyou for keep the spark of hope alive

Nameless1

[Croix]

Dear Nameless~

Can't give you a long message, I think what has happened could have been FAR worse, and yes, that glimmer of hope has not been extinguished. I'll say more another time

Croix