Sadness,grief and regret over sons incarceration

[July]

Hi, I am new to this but  need to talk to someone, anyone, I am a mother of 4 children , three adults ages 25, 29,32 and a 10 year old son from from second marriage. My eldest son was convicted of  a crime and is now in prison,he is 32 and the whole experience has devastated me , sitting through the trial I cried the whole two days everyone was looking at me  obviously knowing I was the mother ,then his sentencing was a day I shall never forget I had to write a letter to the judge about my son, about his drug use, about his father not being in his life since we divorced and his downfall, I also wrote about  how I loved him would stand by him, I'm sorry I failed him  and he turned to drugs too take away his pain, but underneath all that was a wonderful creative boy who just took a wrong turn, the judge  starting reading my letter word for word out to the court room, I looked at my beautiful boy and there were tears running down his face, I think he finally realised what he has done not only to himself but to me as his mother, that image is burned into my memory ,for once in my life I could not protect my child and it killed me, his sentence was given and they took him away, he will be released about september. I cannot tell  anyone and the stress is unbearable,I have to lie to people to excuse his absence , he is clean and sober now and has turned this life around he is doing all the courses to correct his life while in prison and is deeply regretful of his choices, I do not excuse his behaviour  but I am his mother and I have to stand by him, I look at all the other families visiting in prison and it is so sad it affects the whole family. This is the first time I have said this out aloud it is so hard to live with this "secret",I just don't know how to live with this.

[Nameless1]

Hi Croix

Some great ideas and thoughts about the letter writing that I found very helpful. Thankyou. We have tried to put in some things that eill

interest him and your suggestions were spot on I guess too I have tried not to mention things that might make him anxious or worried but perhaps I am being too protective too
Also , he hasn’t asked up about any of his things like his cars or mail or any of his possessions at home.
We have been hesitant in a few things eg how much do we tidy up and reorganise his things that were left in a bad state when he left or do we leave it for him to do when he gets home. ( he had come back home for 12 months in not a good state due to mental health) Some things had to be done of course like his room, cars, but he has a lot of car things, tools left in a huge mess in our garage. He hated us touching his things or tidying up after him, so we left it but it has got to the point of great distress for us. We had to tidy up what was left outside of course. What if we tidy it all and he gets angry when he gets home. Or what if we leave it and he gets angry we didn’t tidy it!!

So many things that might seem small to others, but collectively and for us in the whole experience of what we are dealing with, are hard decisions. It depends on how being in remand etc effects him and changes him I guess. Not having seen him since it happened due to COVID and not much communication, it is hard to know.

What once seemed commonsense I do question and I know it is useless anxiety but there you have it!! Difficult times changes how you think about the usually simple things!!

Thanks for listening Croix.

I value your input and suggestions

Nameless1

[Croix]

Dear Nameless~

I think you are fortunate to have Guest_7403/Borderline to talk with, he has been around here for a while and has a wealth of practical experience with the Corrections System (also he is much more up to date than I).

He did have a very valid reason for asking about drug involvement,however there is never any compulsion on you to say anything you are hesitant about or uncomfortable with.This place is not like that, so don't feel guilty in avoiding giving any answer.

If the question starts you thinking about the drugs matter all to the good.

Borderline is also right about enabling and also about boundaries. It comes down basically to one thing, you son, when he comes out, will either want to improve himself , or not. Being firmer that you probably feel comfortable with is going to be necessary, An example is the garage, if his stuff is in the way then move it, he has to realize that your life has continued, everything does not stop while he is incarcerated.

The boundaries Borderline described need to be backed up, not be disregarded. I guess you have to face the possibility you can only do the best you can with limited options. Holding to your values is important for yourself, but for him too. At least he can see consistency, not weakness.

As for him getting angry eihter way, not on! A boundary right there. This takes strength, fortunately you have your partner, the two of you acting together helps both of you and is more effective too.

It is all an alien world for you and you will not always get it right, but I doubt they'll ever be anything to reproach yourself about.

Croix

[demonblaster]

Hi there Nameless Croixy and everyone ☺

Thanks darl for your reply and you're very welcome. It's so good hearing of other people benefiting from posts.

I too am very happy you're finding some help and comfort from this thread.

My heart truly goes out to people in your situation. It's heart wrenching hearing your pain and you poor people feeling you failed your children is often felt. It's so often not the fault of parenting.

There's so much pressure in life for all ages. As we know growing ups just plain hard work and then the peer group pressure the wanting to be part of the scene. Pressure from schooling exams and just growing up ... going through the mind doing it's acrobatics which most of the time we have no clue how to follow routines.

To me you sound like very caring loving parents who've done everything they can to give a good life to your son. Please believe in yourselves, this is way hard to go through you don't need self destruction adding to your stress.

I think no matter how hard they try not to believe or acknowledge being a better word people know when they're loved. It's not because they don't love you it's survival as touched on in a previous post. Caring brings on more pain guilt shame regret etc. To keep going they need to cut out emotion. It's there though. Loves so powerful.

I'll catch up on recent posts soon and will always when I can support you.

I really hope there's something in your lives that can give you moments of light.

Take care of eachother won't you ☺

[Nameless1]

Thanks Croix,
We have been talking about the suggestions raised in this forum and they have been helpful in helping us make a few plans. Being strong and firm and consistent together when we have to us the big discussion.
You have given us some excellent suggestions.
Do you mind us asking more questions as we discuss these things?

Thanks again

Nameless 1

[Croix]

Dear Nameless1~ (plus partner)

Of course not, this is not a situation that resolves itself in a couple of days, it is a very long term matter that may have many ups and downs, with new challenges (and hopefully some wins) as time goes on. You are doing your best, that is all anyone can do in life.

As Borderline will have made clear it is all up to your son, if positive then your role may be to assist at the stumbles.

However you can't change someone who does not want to change.

I too hope he emerges with a positive attitude as he will need it. Life on discharge is not easy , an example is employment which can be very hard to gain, and wihtout that things tend to cascade into more and more problems. Unconditional parental subsidy is no substitute even if it seem logical, self-worth comes from reaping the rewards of one's own efforts.

Still we are getting ahead of ourselves with such talk. I think in one of your posts you mentioned counseling, I think - for you and your partner - this may well be a good idea now and later to head off self-blame and strengthen the resolve on boundaries. You will both need support.

Croix

[Nameless1]

Hi Demonblaster

It is hard being a parent to him at the moment and as much as you are told and know it’s not your fault you can never get rid of that feeling that there was was something you should have done or changed. Everyday it’s a thought you have go force to go away or you will end up not coping yourself. You need to be an example to show that hard things can be worked through by getting the right help. We are blessed in that we have a good support network providing skills and support and prayer.

i like your comment “It's not because they don't love you it's survival as touched on in a previous post. Caring brings on more pain guilt shame regret etc. To keep going they need to cut out emotion. It's there though. Loves so powerful.”
I think that is true. When people hurt they push the people that care the most away.
I agree. Life is stressful. But it is sad where the search for help gascended. We felt we provided a good environment to grow up in with a balance of giving independence and providing support and certainly gave all our kids a lot of opportunities.
Various events in your life with health, school , work , relationships loss and disappointments etc create an overload and push people in the wrong directions to unwise decisions.
thanks for your lovely reply !!

Nameless1

[Nameless1]

Thanks Croix from both of us.
Apart from getting work, the thing that concerns us most will be finding friends who are supportive, and that he will find plenty of good activities to do and continue with gym etc.

He actually hated having us pay for things…!- more the opposite to the normal I guess, wanting his own financial freedom. He had food plans. Self worth is certainly important.
The counselling is definitely helping , mankind is think like a team, making us stronger . It’s the unknown factors in our sons return that makes us anxious… can we really help someone who has gone through experiences foreign to us.
His big criticism of us that we didn’t understand him will be truer than ever I fear. I guess he doesn’t understand what we are going though either. Let’s hope we have all learnt to communicate better and can get through this together

Thanks for your support and suggestions and insight

Nameless 1

[Croix]

Dear Nameless1~

I guess you are right, the type of people he mixes with in confinement and later outside are one of the biggest factors in his future life, and quite frankly I'm not sure what you can do to influence that. Perhaps letting his old friends you thought a good influence know when he is discharged, other than that -dunno.

On release threats are not going to work, leading to either a blank refusal, possible departure, or driving things underground. Bribery also is not realy wise.

I mentioned unconditional parental financial assistance before as being counter-productive, I think Borderline's suggestion of matching his efforts dollar for dollar towards a worthy goal might be a better idea.

His claiming not to be understood is in some ways a cop-out. One does not have to understand everything to love and want to help someone, I think you are on the right track that he has to understand what you are going though too, not as a matter of blame, just that you are human and can feel uncertainty, worry and pain.

So I'm glad the counseling is a benefit, it is a lonely time

Croix

'

[Nameless1]

Hi Croix

Thanks for the good advice. It is a lonely time. Even here no one else replies much on the threads to do with prison / jail , perhaps I need to start my own new thread with a different topic?

As I said to borderline in the other thread, our son has actually rung more often recently. He has also been a bit more chatty about work and a course and exercise he does. He was trying to stay busy as time passes quicker that way and he didn’t just like sitting around. He liked to think he learnt something new each day . I hoping that is a good sign and that it continues no matter the outcome, though realistically it will have its bumps.
Good advice about release and money. Thanks for your help.

Nameless1

[Croix]

Dear Nameless~~

only a short post tonight, yes, it is good he is looking to you more on the phone and those other signs.

Not many peple come here about incarceration, I guess it is not something that occurs to them, a pity really as there is a lot that can be shared.

If you did start another thread it would have to be on a completely unrelated subject, as it is I'm having trouble keeping up with both the threads you are on at the moment.

Croix