Sadness,grief and regret over sons incarceration

[July]

Hi, I am new to this but  need to talk to someone, anyone, I am a mother of 4 children , three adults ages 25, 29,32 and a 10 year old son from from second marriage. My eldest son was convicted of  a crime and is now in prison,he is 32 and the whole experience has devastated me , sitting through the trial I cried the whole two days everyone was looking at me  obviously knowing I was the mother ,then his sentencing was a day I shall never forget I had to write a letter to the judge about my son, about his drug use, about his father not being in his life since we divorced and his downfall, I also wrote about  how I loved him would stand by him, I'm sorry I failed him  and he turned to drugs too take away his pain, but underneath all that was a wonderful creative boy who just took a wrong turn, the judge  starting reading my letter word for word out to the court room, I looked at my beautiful boy and there were tears running down his face, I think he finally realised what he has done not only to himself but to me as his mother, that image is burned into my memory ,for once in my life I could not protect my child and it killed me, his sentence was given and they took him away, he will be released about september. I cannot tell  anyone and the stress is unbearable,I have to lie to people to excuse his absence , he is clean and sober now and has turned this life around he is doing all the courses to correct his life while in prison and is deeply regretful of his choices, I do not excuse his behaviour  but I am his mother and I have to stand by him, I look at all the other families visiting in prison and it is so sad it affects the whole family. This is the first time I have said this out aloud it is so hard to live with this "secret",I just don't know how to live with this.

[Doolhof]

Hi July,

It must be really hard as a Mum to have your son in prison at any time, anniversaries, Christmas and Birthdays must make it really tough.

Do you have the opportunity to get away for a couple of days or even for a day to do something totally different? I find that helps me to clear my mind at times.

Sometimes I pack some food and drink and go for a drive and see where I end up. I usually aim for somewhere I can go for a walk either along a beach or in nature.

Writing can help to release how we are feeling and also help us see our thoughts and understand or emotions more clearly. I have been writing a bit more lately in my notebook, but don't tend to go back and re-read what I have written.

You mentioned having to lie about telling people where your son is. I'm sure you have mentioned this before. If you don't mind me asking, do you have any friends who know the situation? Being able to share with others helps sometimes.

I'm not in your situation so don't know how you feel or how people around you will react if they knew the truth. It is hard enough to tell people you have a mental health issue and you are struggling let alone trying to tell them you have a loved one in prison I assume.

Thinking of you from Mrs. Dools

[July]

Hi Mrs Dools, Yes I have told a couple of people I work with because this time around I felt less "blamed or responsible " for his actions. But overall I don't say where he is. My husbands family know nothing about my older son as my first three children are to my first marriage and my younger 16 year old son is to my marriage now and we have been together 24 years . His mother is very religious and highly critical and judgemental of people and his father passed away 10 years ago , we don't see his only brother much and I don't feel close enough to say anything. So I would never feel comfortable to talk to them , at my daughters recent wedding last february , a good friend who knows about my son came up to me and said my husbands mother cornered her and asked where my son was ? how rude... at the wedding , I started to panic and kept my distance from her , my friend said "oh I'm not sure he's away I think ", she was protecting me and told me to warn me she had asked . Because my son has missed both his sisters weddings it does look highly suspicious, I understand but if hes not there then its not your business to ask unless I tell you myself. It made me very anxious, I have never had a close relationship with her, if I did I would have loved to have someone to lean on but I would feel judgement and disappointment , because I have witnessed many incidents of her degrading other family members about their choices or mistakes so I was not willing to put myself or my son under that scrutiny. Its hard to "get away " as I work and have my 16 year old at home , I love just being at home alone some days ...nobody asking anything from me and just to be quiet ,I guess that's my break. I have now also joined a facebook page about mothers with addicted children , it is American , but we are all the same and to see others in the same position as me is helpful. I've lived in a heightened state of stress for so long I'm not sure if I know how to relax properly anyway ...strange as that sounds.

Take care

July

[Nameless1]

Hi July.

I have spent the last week reading everything that has been posted since you started the thread in 2015 till the 17th June when there was suddenly no more posts.
I wanted to know how you were going? I feel like I have gotten to know you. What you have written is the MOST helpful thing I have read or been told by ANYONE since my sons incarceration during lockdown. Thankyou for sharing this story . It has been a life changer hearing both the hardships and the utter despair as well the way you have coped and the experiences and difficulties your son has experienced
I relate to totally everything emotion you are going through!! I certainly am not judgemental of anything you do as my husband and myself find ourselves in the same situation, with the same thoughts and challenges …something I never never imagined would ever happen. We are at the stage of him being in remand for 11 months and going to court in just over 2 weeks. We were told to plan in case he is released and I had no ideas to even where to start. You have given me so many ideas … and to also be realistic !! It is in their hands for the ultimate outcome.
I feel nervous and anxious even though we pray daily for strength ( and would certainly not have coped at all with out being able to pray ).
I won’t write more till I know you are happy to and in the position to keep corresponding with . I know it’s been another birthday for your son and he is possibly out and hopefully things are better than last time and I wonder about all the things you shared. I have so many things to ask advice about to someone going through the same thing and not sure where else to go that is anonymous and happy to talk to the parents and give advice and listen.
I feel nervous writing as I still feel someone will read this someone and find out about my son … I know they can’t and that shows how paranoid snd protective I have become .

Nameless1

[demonblaster]

Hi July Nameless1 and readers ☺

July if you're reading just want you to know I often have wondered how you're going. I really hope you're ok and that your sons come out of that dangerous path.

Wishing good for you and your family 🕊

Nameless hi there just want to welcome you here and thank you for writing and talking here. That must have been very hard. I hope though it also has shed some locked up pain.

It must be so incredibly hard to go tnrough what you July and so many do. Very sad.

I wish you every bit of luck in your hard journeys and hope along the way you can find help and also ways of coping. This would be such a nightmare.

I'm so glad you've found some comfort and support from this.

Thoughts care and support to everyone going through such terrible times⚘

[Croix]

Dear Nameless1 (with a wavy to July if reading)~

I'd like to join Demonblaster in welcoming you here. As you will have found out already it is a gentle and non-judgmental place where one can voice whatever one needs and be sure of being met with the experiences -and encouragement - of others.

Hard times lead to understanding and we have people here who have undergone just about any of life's trials you can imagine.

I don't think you are paranoid or over protective. This is a safe anonymous place, and everything is moderated, with a view - among other things - to ensure your identity is secure.

I do think you are in a situation where you can't follow your instincts and protect as you might wish. As you can realize there is your actions and feelings, and there is your son's - who is a separate person. It's quite normal in this alien set of circumstances to feel - as you will have read - a whole raft of emotions, from despair to anger, from helplessness to guilt.

I mentioned your son was his own person, and I hope in time that idea will help with the guilt you may be feeling on how you brought him up, or the chances you gave him. Those are things I'd feel in that position, even if undeserved. Most young people as they grow up form attachments and lifestyles away from their parents - even if living at home - and thees influences are not necessarily good for them. They make bad decisions.

Your ability to alter events may be strictly limited, your ability to live a life of love and gentle normality is not. This can be an oasis and an example your son may greatly benefit from in the future.

May I ask if you are together on this with your husband - mutually supporting each other? I do hope so, to shoulder all the burden yourself is incredibly hard.

I'm not going to say more at the moment, I've probably said more than enough for now. I just would like you to know you are always welcome here and can discuss anything you'd like, that will be fine

Croix

[Nameless1]

Hi Croix,

Thank you for your reply. After reading your replies on this thread for over 5 years you have already helped me before you replied to this post. I feel like I know you already!!

The guilt is the worst emotion and it is helpful to be reminded that yes our son is a young adult and is a separate person and makes his own choices. I thought we had a good relationship with him and it is sad he couldn’t talk through what he was coping with. He would just get angry with us if we asked.
Loss, feelings of betrayal, health and PTSD etc got worse and he would constantly tell us all the things he thought we did wrong on how we and others didn’t support him. He started pushing us away and moved out of home for a while till he needed to come home again.
That was the hardest thing .. hearing these things when we thought we had provided him with 2 loving parents in a strong marriage, caring sibling a and extended family, good schooling and opportunities.
feeling we didn’t know and provide for his real needs and that we didn’t help him express them earlier.

I know as an adult it was on him to do that as well though .

Although we tried to help with finding good doctors etc he struggled to get the help he needed and turned to other things as the only way that he could cope. Things got worse and he got arrested. He started to improve with the help of a friend and doctor but things took a turn for the worse due to the bad influences in his life and he ended up in remand and given no bail. Due to COVID the cases are delayed so it has been 11 months. Wow That is very hard to write.
We don’t know what the outcome will be but it has been helpful hearing the stories from July and others on the hardships to have sense of reality from people going through this.

Thankyou to all of you… I feel I can plan from my side a bit and hope he can too and that we will be able talk together with out anger and blame and frustration

Kind regards

Nameless1

[Nameless1]

Hi demonblaster and others reading this post who have followed this thread since July started it.

Thanksfor your welcome and I am so glad to find you. It actually came up when I googled about how to prepare for the release of someone from being in jail.

many husband and I are able to support one another and work through many things together . However, there are many hard things…It is hard to find help and information and support to help you from through this difficult time It is not offered to the family at the time. Our son was taken away and you are left to search the internet for help !! Though I must comment that 2 of the local police that had been present came the next day to see if where okay and made a few suggestions.

We didn’t know anyone else going through this and it’s hard to tell friends . Our ministers at church and our doctor/counsellor have been wonderful though.

We finally found some things, but due to privacy, many places can’t talk to family till after release and no one can give out any information as to their well being and what courses they are doing or not for preparation.
it is all definitely made harder, as the others have said. when your son won’t ring very often or write and tell you much. He said it is easier for him to cope that way.
inwould love to know where else provides good information about post release especially

I value the comments made by you all and the others the last few years SO MUCH … even though I have read it all in compact time the last week.

Thanks again. For those going through similar times , I understand your grief and sadness and despair snd fears and happy to provide support and love in return, and of course a listening ear with no judgement….that’s the last thing we need!!
Nameless1

[Croix]

Dear Nameless1~

I'm very glad this thread has been of help, and glad you have come to know me too, I've been quite frank about myself on this Forum

There is no logical way I can convince you that it was not your conduct that led to this, and those criticisms from your son that you were not helping -even sabotaging - and he felt betrayed are symptoms of PTSD as are desires to get away.

There are so many "what if's" that plague the mind and you wonder if you had been stricter, or the opposite, if you had moved from a dubious district, been more vigilant, or any one of a mountain of possibilities.

There is no answer to any of them because they are all false. You love and loved him -that is the important thing -the only important thing, and it comes out in the way you write.

OK, he may come out, he may not. ALL you and your husband can really do is be yourselves - and use common sense. He will not be quite the same peron as he was a year ago. He may not want to come home.

It is generous of you to offer a non-judgmental ear to others in need when you are going though such a tough time yourself. Whether your son believes it or not he has a wonderful mum.

I'm glad the two police checked up on you the next day, there are many good people in the forces.

Talk anytime, and if you do find worthwhile resources please let us know.

Croix

[Nameless1]

Thank you Croix,

Thank you for reminding me of the effects of PTSD. He changed dramatically after what he experienced and wasn’t provided help soon enough by his work.
Yes we do love him very much, just like the others said mainly just because he is our son, be we we know the wonderful person he was and can be.

He will be different but I hope in a way that makes him want to move forward. I k ow from reading July and Anne an Donna over the years that it sadly may not be the case but we hope and pray it is. He is working and doing a course but then so did July’s son.

When we talk we are not even sure what to say. Before being arrested he went through a few years of. It talking to us as he directed blame as I said , for many things though we believe we only provided the. Eat for him… maybe too much. He wasn’t interested before and did t want to hear about family and doesn’t ask now and don’t want to trigger off a reaction to news of the family. We write and constantly tell him we love and support him and will be there for him. We try to find things that are encouraging and remind him how important he is to us and that we all go through rough times swill get through this time. We remind him that there is hope for a good future etc if he can look to things to guide him. We share bits and pieces about my husband and myself and work etc. BUT we never know if any of that is the right thing to write ..we just follow are heart and hope it helps . We don’t know if he wants to hear about his little nephew or sisters new property or if that will make him angry he is missing out.

Another hard thing is family: Our son didn’t want family to know where he was … so they just know he is working away from home and wants some space and privacy. His older sibling a hadn’t been living at home with him during his last few difficult years. They have possibly guessed though . But will they be angry with us when they find out that we didn’t share this with them?
some many other “what if’s”!!

Thank you for listening and replying. It really helps being able to be open!!

nameless1

[Croix]

Dear Nameless1~

I can understand you are stuck. You do not know what to write to your son, how much family information to include, and if hopeful ideas are what he wants to hear.

I -and I'm guessing of course - think that if I was in his position I'd mull over letters received at night, but perhaps not the parts you might think. Talking of love and plans may no longer strike a bell, though I'm unsure what replaces them.

If you have not already done so say something like "I'm always trying to let you know about our love and what we might do to help, however that is familiar and can grow stale to read, would you like to say what interests you, what you think of at night, what might be useful or just plain interesting?"

It might take a while to get a genuine response but I'd persevere. Talking of love given past actions, his current location and your repetition might be ignored or even irritate (I'm being a bit plain spoken here, I apologize, it is no reflection on your love or wishes). He may be interested in anything from how to body build efficiently to cars to -dunno

I'd tell him you have - at his wishes -not told other members of the family about his situation, though he is your son and you would otherwise have told them so they might share and understand his ill-fortune.

You can ask, "Do you want to have news about your nephew and sister, or to wait until he asks?"

I guess what I'm saying is perhaps a change in direction, from emotional matters and the future to the interests of now. If he liked jokes or had a favorite comedian (or you or your husband do) then quote them. I guess looking forward to your letters, and giving non-monosyllabic answers is the aim for now.

With the family that does not know, maybe when the do find out they will start out cross and feeling left out and untrusted. There more plain speaking is needed by you, it is not about them, you were in a cleft stick and went with your son's wishes - he is in a bind and perhaps it made things easier for him, it certainly did not for you.

Thank you for giving encouragement to Evie and Leth - you are a generous soul

Croix